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Internet Oracularities #807

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807, 807-01, 807-02, 807-03, 807-04, 807-05, 807-06, 807-07, 807-08, 807-09, 807-10


Usenet Oracularities #807    (104 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 14 Jan 1996 13:42:22 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   807
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

807  104 votes fxtgb 8vzl9 6fuBg bGyc5 dsAm5 9Aup4 6ouue 2jAwf 2orFa cfvrj
807   3.0 mean  2.8   2.9   3.4   2.6   2.8   2.8   3.2   3.4   3.3   3.2


807-01    (fxtgb dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To the one who knows anatomy better than most I pose an interesting
> question:
>
> Just how long _is_ Jay Leno's chin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The same size as the gap between David Letterman's teeth, the distance
} between Ted Koppel's ears, and the height of Conan O'Brien's hair.
}
} You owe the Oracle a late-night television personality who isn't a
} freak.


807-02    (8vzl9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
>       ...whose knowledge of the known world makes the Encyclopaedia
> Britannica look more like the tip of the gargantuan information
> iceberg, whose reach encompasses the whole known and unknown universe,
> whose fine tastes would make any Earth-bound conniseur look like a
> mere McDonald's swilling "critic on fine cuisine", I place at your feet
> whose footprints would awe those who ever wanted to fill your shoes...
>
>       ...I have been looking for the spiciest cuisine known to man.  So
> far, the lowliest excuse for spiciness was an orange habanero which
> I had the honour to bite into.  It was a formidable experience but
> I'm looking for something with an effect no less than one thousand
> atomic blasts detonating concurrently.  I'm looking for some serious
> heat...far more heat than any mere sauce or pepper pod can contain.
> I beg your assistance oh omnicient Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's what you do:
}
} 1. Go outside.
} 2. Fill a Weber with a load of charcoal briquettes.
} 3. Soak them with charoal ligher.
} 4. Strike a match, and light the pile of charcoal.
} 5. Wait approx. 30 minutes until the charcoals have obtained a
}    consistant coating of white ash, and are glowing a nice cherry red.
} 6. Pick one up and put it in your mouth.
}
} You owe the Oracle a visit to the burn center and a new tongue.


807-03    (6fuBg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I weigh nothing
> I am invisible
> I sound like nothing
> I taste like nothing
> I am not nothing
>
> What am I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In debt.
}
} You owe the Oracle something.


807-04    (bGyc5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Korthooblian Oracle, I grovel before you by taking my left hind foot
> in my mouth and belching powerfully.  My shoe falls off, exposing the
> hoof-rot.  I need to know, when will I win?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle needs somehow tactfully to suggest that an early step
} you must take is learning to keep your foot at all times out of your
} oral cavity. Now, this may come as a shock to you, but the mouth was
} created for other purposes than providing sanctuary for your pedal
} appendages or generating loud, non-verbal explosions that vaguely
} pertain to the enterprise of ingestion.  Belching, at whatever the
} decibelic level, is probably somewhat less charming than you might
} suppose.  What worries this apparition of the Oracle is that if the
} behavior you have described is you at your most exemplary, what must
} you be like ordinarily?  (The omniscience of the Oracle omits this
} information in the interest of good taste.)
}
} The Oracle recommends that you commit yourself to the serious
} attendance of about three charm schools simultaneously.  Study your
} lessons diligently, then report back to the Oracle in about a decade
} or two. It's possible that your Oracle cares, but for what, It is
} unprepared to say.


807-05    (dsAm5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and somnambulant oracle, cast off thine heavenly burdens and
> walk amongst us mortals for one brief moment. Thy wisdom is as the hind
> quarters of a diva, far-reaching and immense. Thy ken of earthly
> dilemmas akin to the strength of gravity. Disburse, oh wondrous fount,
> with thy knowledge of things we be-coiled beings best not know, the
> answer to this ponderance:
>
>      What is a Gordian Knot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A Gordian Knot is a brutal form of torture involving splinters, water,
} beer and Woodchucks.  It is usually reserved for the most vile
} criminals imaginable -- those that fail to offer a suitable grovel to
} the Oracle.
}
} Fortunately for you, your grovel is adequate.
}
} You owe the Oracle splinters, water and beer.  I already have
} Woodchucks.


807-06    (9Aup4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> whats the deal with all this snow??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} During times of heavy snow, it's customary for the dealer to announce
} at least one game of "five-card snowball," where Ace through 10
} represent inches of snowfall, and face cards represent snowplows.  Or
} you can just all play drinking games with the cards, since you're not
} going anywhere for a few days.


807-07    (6ouue dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> I come before you humbly to beseech your counsel in my
> time of need. You see, o divine oracle, I have a decision
> to make.  I must decide which class to take next semester.
> Which will be more beneficial, "Linear Algebra", or "History
> of Film"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, yes.  You clearly need to read the -extended- versions of the
} course synopses in the Larger Catalogue.
}
} History of Film:
}   The development of photography led quickly from the glass plate to
} photographic film, especially through the pioneering work of George
} Eastman.  Course work includes preparation of detailed maps of the
} City of Rochester as it was in 1880, and reconstruction of the glass-
} topped tables on which the first sheets of commercial nitrate film
} were prepared.  The difficulties of moving a twenty-four-foot-long
} table covered with quarter-inch plate glass to a new factory location
} will be the subject of experiment.  Actual use of cellulose nitrate
} will be demonstrated.  Survivors will receive full course credit.
} Professor Ilford Fuji.
}
} Linear Algebra:
}   The solution of simultaneous equations is but a tiny facet of this
} subject.  Initially, field trips to Padua, Moscow, Athens and
} Heidelberg will be conducted during a single week, so that students
} may gain an appreciation for doing everything at once.  A second field
} trip, to Paris, will investigate various aspects of groups and
} transformations, using methods unusual for an undergraduate course.
} The third field trip, to Rome, will involve an attempt to discover
} Transfinite Cardinals in the Vatican, even though they are normally
} thought to have little bearing on the subject of Linear Algebra.  All
} costs, including tuition, are covered by the generous Georg Cantor
} endowment of the Department of Mathematics.  The endowment was created
} by an anonymous benefactor who succeeded in business without ever
} actually studying Linear Algebra (or any other mathematics beyond long
} division), and whose wishes were to provide similar opportunities for
} all students.  Every student who registers for this course will
} receive full 4.0 (A) credit.  Professor Francine Curvo.


807-08    (2jAwf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm doing my taxes now.  Back in October, a guy escaped from the trunk
> of my car.. can I consider him a business loss?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   That depends on whether or no remuneration was received for disposal
} of said body.  In your body disposal contract take careful note
} of Terms Of Payment. Ideally, payment will be due from the person
} requesting the service once the body to be disposed of is taken into
} your possession.  However, it is also possible that payment is not
} made until proof is given from the disposer that the said body has
} indeed been disposed of.
}   In the event that the latter payment option was in effect at the time
} of the disposal, then you may claim an amount for the loss of the
} body before disposal was completed.  Assuming you adhere to the
} Body Disposal Agreement of 1920, you would have accepted the body
} into the trunk of your car on the assumption that it was either (a)
} bound and gagged or (b) completely unconscious.  If you accepted
} these terms in good faith and signed the accompanying documentation,
} then you are able to claim for the loss as it is not your fault that
} the body did indeed escape.
}   However, if you didn't sign the accompanying documentation, or if you
} did sign and forgot to send off all fifteen carbon copies to the
} correct governmental departments, then, unfortunately, you are at
} fault and no claim is possible. Furthermore, no correspondence will
} be entered into.
}   A special case exists in regards to amputations.  If the said body
} has had parts removed, and it still escapes, then you are only able
} to claim for the parts that did indeed escape.  For example, if the
} arms of the body were removed, by you or any other person, and the
} body escaped, then you can only claim for approximately 80% of the
} value of the rebate.  A full table of prescribed percentages for body
} parts can be obtained from the corresponding government departments.
}   Of course, reparation can also be sought from the manufacturer of
} your car, especially so if you have expended additional monies to
} purchase Trunk Securement Kits from the endorsed manufacturers.
} Terms and Conditions for these situations can once again be obtained
} by the corresponding government departments.  Note also the different
} levies applicable to Station Wagons, Hatchbacks, and Sports Utilities.
}
} You owe the Oracle your strict adherence to the above laws, lest you
} are selected for the annual testing of the 'effects of limb removal
} on percentage of body weight' documentation.


807-09    (2orFa dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
> Do you think I passed or failed the first exam in Mechanics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's have a look at the exam.
}
} 1) What team of mechanics did the crank work for Doug Thorley's
}    "Funny-car" for the 1968 racing season?
}    You answered "Wreath Automotive."  The correct spelling is Reath,
}    but you'll get the points on this one.
} 2) Who starred in the movie "The Mechanic"?
}    You answered "Charles Bronson."  This was a trick question, since
}    the term "mechanic" was used to mean "hit man."  Good job getting
}    that one right.
} 3) Name the head mechanic at the local Sears store.
}    You answered "Ralph Whittaker".  I'm afraid that's not quite right.
}    Ralph mostly does brake jobs and exhaust.  His brother Tom is their
}    head mechanic.
} 4) What is the most popular color of shirt worn by mechanics?
}    You answered "Blue."  Close enough, but they wanted the answer "pale
}    blue."  See chapter 5 (attire) in the book Mechanics at Work.
} 5) What's the name of the mechanic on "Wings" and what brand of tool
}    boxes does he have in the shop?  You said "Loel, Craftsman."
}    Good for you.
}
} Yes, it looks like you passed it, but you could do better.  You owe
} the Oracle an A on your exam next week in Waitresses.


807-10    (cfvrj dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What makes marshmallows soooo elastic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite your rather pathetic, well, nonexistant grovel, I will answer
} your question, although my finger hovers over the ZOT button.  Nah, I'm
} feeling merciful today.
}
} The marshmallow was first invented by cavemen back around 17,432 BC.
} They had long since learned to eat cooked meat and were just beginning
} to move out of the caves.  However, one of the cavemen (named Ugh!)
} decided when he took his son (also named Ugh!) on a cave scout outing
} to sit around the campfire and tell ghost stories.
}
} The ghost stories quickly grew old, as any story consisting of only the
} word "Ugh!" would.  After all language and ghosts had not been invented
} yet (neither had woodchucks.  Hmmm....).
}
} The cave scouts had nothing to do, so the caveman went into the marsh
} and pulled out some globs of swamp moss and put them on sticks to eat.
} Their mellow flavor caused them to be known as "marsh mellows"
} (although this name would come many years later, when professor P.H.
} Dee would translate the original cavemens' stories from "Ugh!" into
} English).
}
} The other strange thing is that these marsh mellows were not elastic at
} all.
}
} As time passed, the popularity of these marsh mellows grew.  It was
} said that Socrates was really killed by getting a marsh mellow caught
} in his throat (after an angry person objecting to him wearing his toga
} open in the front started throwing them at him.  Marshmallows, not
} togas.).
}
} These marsh mellows were still nonelastic, though.
}
} Ancient Rome also has recorded instances of marshmallows.  However,
} these nonelastic marshmallows had been used for weaponry:
}
}         Caesar: Marshummellowum Firus!
}         Centurion: Yessum Sirrus!
}         Ceasar: I came, I saw, I threw marshmallows at them.
}
} This famous statement was later revised to make the historians happy.
}
} Throughout the dark ages, the art of the marsh mellow was lost, except
} in monasteries where it flourished.  This was also when sugar was
} discovered, making marshmallows sweet and a little bit more elastic
} (although not nearly elastic enough to use as birth control, as one
} ex-monk discovered). Now, the marsh mellow could be used as both a
} weapon and a food item once again.
}
} The renaissance and the reformation and all kinds of other historical
} stuff occurred, with the marsh mellow pretty much remaining the same.
} The one significant change came when Vice-Duke Daniel Quayle IV of
} Stupidia misspelled marsh mellow.  The term "marshmallow" was created.
}
} Later, in early colonial America, the elastic marshmallow that you know
} today was created.  Susie and Tommy Quaker were fighting, since Tommy
} had used their father's musket to blow off the head of Susie's Pilgrim
} Barbie (Complete with funny hat and turkey).  Their mother decided to
} try to calm them down by bringing marshmallows to them.  However, this
} didn't even work, and they began tugging at the marshmallow, but it
} cracked into powder.
}
} Their mother, Betty Quaker, thought for a while and then decided to
} make a new marshmallow that would not break.  Instead, this marshmallow
} would cause the two to stop fighting by making them spend more time
} together.
}
} Susie and Tommy again began to fight, but their mother gave them the
} marshmallow, and they pulled and pulled, and the marshmallow kept
} pulling until it was a thin sticky rope surrounding the children.  This
} was a great success, since the two children had to eat their way out,
} giving their mother time and silence to rest and write down her recipes
} (which she published under her maiden name, Crocker).  These
} marshmallows would have become big as child rearing tools, except that
} Betty forgot part of the recipe when she wrote it down.  However, the
} new recipe was still very elastic.
}
} As time passed, there was a schism in the world of marshmallows.  One
} group stuck with the old marshmallow type and another began to use
} these new elastic marshmallows.
}
} This schism exists yet today.  The old school marshmallows can be found
} in places like hot chocolate and Lucky Charms (the sponsor of the
} Somewhat Underused Great Antigque Recipes (SUGAR) foundation, which
} makes the old marshmallows).  And the new style can be found roasting
} over campfires and stuck on the bottom of shoes everywhere.  There can
} be only one word to truly capture the magnificence of these sweet
} treats.
}
} "Ugh!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a real grovel, a box of Lucky Charms, and a
} campfire.


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