} [Take 1]
} Er, what? No grovel, no praise, no, in the name of all that's
} predictive, question mark??
} What on earth are you thinking? Do you think the Delphic Oracle
} answered questions like "Where's the nearest vomitorium?" Do you think
} that Gypsies will tell you where to get a good pair of shoes? Do you
} think Sun-Ra does his channeling schtick for questions like "Does this
} scarf match my blouse??" Do you think that the Magic 8-Ball will answer
} if you ask "What's the capitol of Rwanda?!?!?"
} NO! NO! AN ALEPH-NULL TIMES NO!!!!!
} (For the mathematically impaired, this is more than a million times. A
} lot more.)
} THIS IS WHAT A DEGREE IN OMNISCIENCE AND OMNIARTS IS FOR? THIS IS WHAT
} YOU EXPECT OF ME? THIS IS, IS, I MEAN, BUT WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY,
} AND, BUT! OR! WHAT?! JUST EXACTLY DID...I MEAN...
} forget it. I'll try again tomorrow.
} [Take 2]
} You, o insignificant mortal, who's life can be measured in real
} numbers, who's brain's cells are not even numbered as the grains of
} sand on one miserable planet's beaches, clearly do not know the purpose
} of this Most Wonderful Internet Address, Which Has Been Blessed By The
} Ears of Greatness. I amuse myself, and use my powers for good, by
} answering questions of Great Import and Wond'rous Mystery. There are
} others who are a help desk. Mere mortals can answer your question, so
} mere mortals must. It would be shirking my duty to Trivial Man to deny
} them this pleasure. I would be remiss, yes, remiss! were I to usurp the
} tasks of those lesser than me. I would be derelict to steal this sop to
} their imagined usefulness. IT WOULD BE AN ACT AGAINST THE UNIVERSE TO
} ASSUME DUTIES, NO MATTER HOW SIMPLE FOR ME, THAT EXPELL THOSE LESSER
} THAN ME FROM THEIR APPOINTED ROLES! CRIMES AGAINST THE COSMOS OF THE
} HIGHEST ORDER!! A TRAGEDY OF TIME!!!!!! A ACT OF
} Dang. I'm running out of exclamation points. I'll just have to try
} again later.
} [Take 3]
} I don't feel like answering this question today.
} [Take 4]
} Oh, fine. The mail2news gateway in Texas was shut down by the selfless
} volunteer who'd maintained it for years. I'd take it over myself, but I
} think Usenet's crowded enough already. It's too hard to find
} rec.humor.oracle as it is.
} You owe the oracle some Valium, a box of exclamation points, curbside
} pickup of excess ennui, and a peon for mail2news.