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Internet Oracularities #808

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808, 808-01, 808-02, 808-03, 808-04, 808-05, 808-06, 808-07, 808-08, 808-09, 808-10


Usenet Oracularities #808    (100 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 1996 19:40:17 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   808
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

808  100 votes 8qslh 5dylr 6rww3 auGh1 3qEjc 46pGn hcquf 5hurl asBh8 8gArd
808   3.2 mean  3.1   3.5   3.0   2.7   3.1   3.7   3.1   3.4   2.9   3.2


808-01    (8qslh dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I find the email addresses for Usenet postings.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Take 1]
}
} Er, what? No grovel, no praise, no, in the name of all that's
} predictive, question mark??
}
} What on earth are you thinking? Do you think the Delphic Oracle
} answered questions like "Where's the nearest vomitorium?" Do you think
} that Gypsies will tell you where to get a good pair of shoes? Do you
} think Sun-Ra does his channeling schtick for questions like "Does this
} scarf match my blouse??" Do you think that the Magic 8-Ball will answer
} if you ask "What's the capitol of Rwanda?!?!?"
}
} NO! NO! AN ALEPH-NULL TIMES NO!!!!!
}
} (For the mathematically impaired, this is more than a million times. A
} lot more.)
}
} THIS IS WHAT A DEGREE IN OMNISCIENCE AND OMNIARTS IS FOR? THIS IS WHAT
} YOU EXPECT OF ME? THIS IS, IS, I MEAN, BUT WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY,
} AND, BUT! OR! WHAT?! JUST EXACTLY DID...I MEAN...
}
} forget it. I'll try again tomorrow.
}
} [Take 2]
}
} You, o insignificant mortal, who's life can be measured in real
} numbers, who's brain's cells are not even numbered as the grains of
} sand on one miserable planet's beaches, clearly do not know the purpose
} of this Most Wonderful Internet Address, Which Has Been Blessed By The
} Ears of Greatness. I amuse myself, and use my powers for good, by
} answering questions of Great Import and Wond'rous Mystery. There are
} others who are a help desk. Mere mortals can answer your question, so
} mere mortals must. It would be shirking my duty to Trivial Man to deny
} them this pleasure. I would be remiss, yes, remiss! were I to usurp the
} tasks of those lesser than me. I would be derelict to steal this sop to
} their imagined usefulness. IT WOULD BE AN ACT AGAINST THE UNIVERSE TO
} ASSUME DUTIES, NO MATTER HOW SIMPLE FOR ME, THAT EXPELL THOSE LESSER
} THAN ME FROM THEIR APPOINTED ROLES! CRIMES AGAINST THE COSMOS OF THE
} HIGHEST ORDER!! A TRAGEDY OF TIME!!!!!! A ACT OF
} INDECENCY!!!111!!!1!!!1!
}
} Dang. I'm running out of exclamation points. I'll just have to try
} again later.
}
} [Take 3]
}
} I don't feel like answering this question today.
}
} [Take 4]
}
} Oh, fine. The mail2news gateway in Texas was shut down by the selfless
} volunteer who'd maintained it for years. I'd take it over myself, but I
} think Usenet's crowded enough already. It's too hard to find
} rec.humor.oracle as it is.
}
} You owe the oracle some Valium, a box of exclamation points, curbside
} pickup of excess ennui, and a peon for mail2news.


808-02    (5dylr dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Amazing, funny, sexy, good looking Oracle please solve this mysterious
> prblem for me.
> Where do the characters go when i use backspace on my PC?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ever wonder where alphabet soup comes from?


808-03    (6rww3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@pobox.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, who never gets crunched for time,
> please help me with a problem for which I see no solution.
>
> I have a project, and originally the deadline for this
> project was 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.  But the weather forecast
> is calling for snow, and (this being down south where the
> local authorities can't deal with it) the whole city is
> likely to be shut down.  In response to this forecast,
> management has moved the deadline up to 3:00 p.m. today.
> It's now 2 o'clock, so I have one hour in which to get
> six hours' worth of work done.  Nobody else is free to
> help me.  What can I do about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've got just the thing for you. Since you sent in this prayer for
} wisdom and guidance via e-mail, you ipso facto use a computer system.
} And so does your management, and these computers are networked,
} I'll warrant.
}
} Now I can't tell you to do anything wrong, for should word get out
} of it, and tarnish my rep as total source of all enlightenment,
} then dire consequences and woodchuck sightings could abound.  So to
} preserve my rep I cannot tell you anything specific, but from the
} vast archives of Oracular knowledge I leave you this tidbit, from
} which you may infer your own ideas:
}
} In ancient times the working class wore wooden shoes known as
} "sabot".  They also at times would express their displeasure with
} their masters by tossing one of these hard shoes into the technical
} bits of the machines they had to labor upon, bringing work to a halt.
} This practice became at one time so widespread a new word was coined
} for it: sabotage.
}
} Now, if you can see inside this historical interlude an avenue to your
} own salvation from this dilemma, you'll not only come through this
} crisis with shining colors, but your growth in character and inventive
} thinking will carry you through until one day you get into management.
}
} You owe the oracle a day-timer and a bottle of linseed oil.


808-04    (auGh1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@pobox.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, oracle, he (or she) who knows all about the movement of
> electrons inside atoms and can actually *image* what goes on in there,
> tell me:
>
> They say, time is a healer. Shouldn't we then refer to time as, i.e.:
>
> What's the time, m.d., sir?
>
> or
>
> Lisa, could you spare some time, m.d.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       To answer this question, O unworthy one, the Oracle must first
} delve into the depths of Time itself.
}
}       Time, you see, is not a physical being but a Concept or an Idea,
} despite frequently being called "Nick" ("It happened just in the Nick
} of time!" Why not the Donna or Barbara or Fred of time? Not even the
} Most High Oracle can answer that question.) Because Time has no
} physical existance, it has never been to medical school, and therefore
} lacks the diplomas to hang on its walls. You've never seen a doctor's
} office without a number of gold-framed pieces of parchment on its
} walls, now have you? Time was embarassed because if it opened up a
} doctor's office, its office would look dull and lifeless next to those
} of its colleagues, and that shame prevents Time from acknowledging its
} own degrees. It has far too much of a sense of interior decorating.
}
}       Actually, Time prefers to be called "Raoul." I've never been
} quite sure why.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's subscription to House Beautiful and a new
} set of purple curtains.


808-05    (3qEjc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@pobox.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, to whom nothing is unknown, except maybe an
> explanation for Gallagher, I beseech thee answer me this question...
>
> When does the next millenium start?  I mean those anal types who like
> to prove their superiority always have to point out that it is Jan. 1
> 2001. But for all intents and purposes it seems that people are more
> interested in Jan. 1 2000.  It is important to me to know which I
> should go by since I am predicting the end of the world at the start of
> this new millenium.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you want round numbers?  Go for 2000.  But the guy who invented the
} current dating system didn't have round numbers.  He had square
} numbers.  His first year was I, followed quite swiftly by II, III and
} IV.  There was no year zero because zero hadn't been invented.
}
} So here is the first Millenium:
}
} I, II, III, IV, V ...
}      ... CMXCV, CMXCVI, CMXCVII, CMXCVIII, CMXCIX, M
}
} Similarly, the second:
}
} MI, MII, MIII, MIV, MV ...
}      ... MCMXCV, MCMXCVI, MCMXCVII, MCMXCVIII, MCMXCIX, MM
}
} That square MM at the -end- of the second Millenium is your round year
} 2000.  The third Millenium begins with the year MMI.
}
} Although you didn't ask, allow me to point out that Millerite
} religions have been predicting the end of the world for some time
} now.  You might join them, or perhaps the Witnesses.  Their expertise
} in predicting the rapture (or rupture) is drawn from their repeated
} experience.
}
} You owe the Oracle all your worldly goods, before the actual
} cataclysm, which I estimate will occur about dinnertime on Monday the
} 15th of January, 1996.  I get your dinner, too.


808-06    (46pGn dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@pobox.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one of the computer age, I am perplexed by the tediousness
> of my job as a computer lab assistant.  All I do is sit and stare at
> a computer that is to slow to do anything other then send mail(ie.
> IBM 386sx-55mhz), waiting for someone in the lab to break their
> computer so that I can fix it.  What, oh illustrious one must I do
> to end the monotony?
>
> Your humble servant.
>
> p.s.  "Quitting is not an option" -I am sure someone has said that
> before...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If quitting is not an option, your only other recourse is to become
} promoted.  This the Oracle will grant you because He is in a good
} mood today.  ZIPPITY-ZIP-ZAP!
}
} You are now an engineer for a small, fast-moving software company.
} You are developing interactive web browsers, and you have your very
} own lab in which to test them.  Let's see:  You have a network sniffer,
} a 12-channel multiplexing router box, and half a dozen IBM 386-sx-55mhz
} machines that are too slow to do anything other than send mail.
}
} Rats.  Perhaps The Oracle didn't promote you high enough along the
} corporate ladder.  Well, let's see what can be done about this...
} ZIPPITY-ZIP-ZIP-ZIP-ZAP!
}
} You are now a senior executive at a large, well-established computer
} software company.  You have a corner office with a great view of
} the parking lot.  You have fancy shoes, a nice suit, and a tie which
} is preventing you from breathing comfortably.  And sitting on your
} very own desk is...a IBM 386-sx-55mhz machine that is too slow to do
} anything other than send mail.
}
} Rats.  Let's try this one more time.  ZIPPITY-ZIP-ZAPPITY-ZIP-ZAP-
} ZAPPITY-ZAP!
}
} You have just taken over for Bill Gates as CEO of Microsoft.  Lowly,
} insignificant people all over the world worship you.  And on your
} desk is:  Horray!  A super-overdrive quad-processor Pentium 200-Mhz
} mega-machine with RAM in the gigabytes!
}
} You should be happy now.
}
} What's that?  The mega-machine is running Windows '95?  All you do
} is sit and stare at a computer that, thanks to its OS is too slow to
} do anything other than send mail?
}
} I'm sorry.  The Oracle is stumped.
}
} Nonetheless, you owe the Oracle an extra 33 Mhz which He badly needs.


808-07    (hcquf dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do we go to a recital to hear people play, and go to a play to hear
> people recite?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Probably for the same reason that our noses run and our feet smell.
}
} You owe the oracle a piano for his thought and knowledge.


808-08    (5hurl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle please tell me...
>
> Peanut butter or jelly

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Peanut butter, of course.  Jelly won't make the cat stick to the wall.
}
} You owe the oracle a slice of buttered bread.


808-09    (asBh8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I find a job this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, not this year.  Try agin in 2002, Mr. Perot.


808-10    (8gArd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>            Why
>            are
>          Email
>       messages
>         always
>           left
>      justified
>              ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But, Supplicant, very few pieces of email are left justified.  In fact
} most messages are left completely unjustified.  At least, my mail is...
}
} You owe the Oracle some justified mail.


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