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Internet Oracularities #809

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809, 809-01, 809-02, 809-03, 809-04, 809-05, 809-06, 809-07, 809-08, 809-09, 809-10


Usenet Oracularities #809    (88 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 1996 15:13:45 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   809
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

809   88 votes afmA5 9jBf8 8nAf6 9owl2 dnlla 9nsk8 ajtm8 cqsg6 8gnqf 9ggno
809   3.0 mean  3.1   2.9   2.9   2.8   2.9   2.9   3.0   2.8   3.3   3.4


809-01    (afmA5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most innocent child, what makes you so inaccurate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I copied off the Oracle next to me.


809-02    (9jBf8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does santa deliver all of those toys in such a short amount of
> time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, well, well, if it isn't the old how-does-Santa-deliver-all-of-
} those-toys-in-such-a-short-amount-of-time question. Every year, regular
} as clockwork, this little gem lands in my in-tray. *You* might get your
} kicks drooling over the gaily wrapped presents under the Christmas
} tree, picking them up and shaking them and trying to figure out what's
} in them. Not me! I await the old how-does-Santa-deliver-all-of-those-
} toys-in-such-a-short-amount-of-time question with barely restrained,
} gleeful anticipation.
}
} Or, to paraphrase the immortal Bard, a woodchuck question by any other
} name is still a pain in the butt.
}
} Well, what shall I tell 'em this time? The one about time dilation
} caused by faster-than-the-speed-of-light reindeer? Or how every time
} you walk down the high street at this time of year you notice at least
} two dozen Santas, which most people might take as a clue that there is
} more than one of the beggars to share the load around? How about, sorry
} kid, there ain't no Santa Claus, it was your parents all the time, you
} gullible little twonk?
}
} Nah... Part of my ineffable charm is how I never repeat myself, not
} even after three helpings of cauliflower cheese. So what'll it be this
} time? How about this: Santa's magic, you see, and he puts us all to
} sleep for a whole year while he does the rounds. So when you wake up,
} it's still Christmas day, only a year later and nobody ever notices.
}
} Sorry, that was really pathetic, I know. Only a complete idiot would
} believe a story like that. I'm not myself today. I got rather tanked up
} at the end-of-semester party Friday night and Marilyn Gillette -- do
} you know Marilyn? She's the head of the university's computing
} department -- well, anyway, she suggested --
}
} What am I saying? Hey, I never told you any of this, right! One word to
} Lisa and you're getting ZOTted with extreme prejudice, you hear me?
}
} Getting back to your question. Well, Santa's magic, you see, and he
} puts us all to sleep for a whole year while he does the rounds. So when
} you wake up, it's still Christmas day, only a year later and nobody
} ever notices.
}
} You owe the Oracle an original question involving running noses and
} smelling feet.


809-03    (8nAf6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Wise Oracle,
>
> Why do I dream only of purple cows stealing my shoes?  What could this
> mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This implies that:
}
} 1. You have fallen for all those ads in which basketball stars want
}    you to believe that buying thier shoes will make you jump as high
}    as they do.
}
} 2. You believe that cows, in their desperate attempts to jump over the
}    moon, are envious of your shoes ability and are constantly trying
}    to steal them from you.
}
} 3. Your dreams are colorized by Ted Turner.
}
} You owe the Oracle a laser disc player and a disc of The Cabinet of
} Doctor Caligari, in black and white, of course.


809-04    (9owl2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please do not fail.  I need your help, desperately, as you well
> know.  Which one should I choose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A tough choice indeed. I guess I'll just have to give you the pros and
} cons for all of them:
} The Brown one: for - resilient, yet stretchable. against: hard and
} tends to chaff the skin.
} The Pink One: for - smooth, comfortable design. Against: batteries not
} included.
} The Rotating one: For: makes you feel better about yourself. Against:
} tends to break down after a few uses.
} The small one: For - good for those hard to reach places. Against -
} will it really make you feel better about yourself?
}
} You owe the Oracle a pink one, a brown one, and one of them funny
} little watchamacallits with the antennae. And next time you have to
} choose a car-vacuum cleaner, just ask the salesman.


809-05    (dnlla dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All-Knowing One,
>
> Something perplexes me.  I am blind, for I know not the difference
> between art and life.  Help me to see.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                art matches your couch.


809-06    (9nsk8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just how many Oracles are there? I mean, one is enough, but.... but....
> INFINITELY many????? Boy, that sure does sound weird. Anyway, I've got
> a question for ya.
>
> Who is your adviser? And no, don't say you are "all knowing" and all
> that stuff. "True power lies behind the throne", as they say. So, who's
> behind your throne controlling your responses, huh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sir, you are correct.  As you are aware from Plato's theory of Forms
} (remember his story about the cave?) everything you see is but an
} imperfect image of its Form.  Plato didn't consider, however, that the
} Forms themselves are but imperfect images of SuperForms.  And the
} SuperForms are but imperfect ...
}
} You begin to get the idea, don't you?  There is indeed a SuperOracle
} and behind him a SuperSuperOracle.  There ARE an infinite number of
} Oracles.  Fortunately, I'm all-knowing, so I can count them.
} Fortunately, I also know a lot of folk wisdom and cheap slogans, too.
} My favorite one right now is, "What goes around comes around."  And
} THAT means ...
}
} I AM THE ULTIMATE SUPER-DOOPER ORACLE!!!  That infinity of Oracles
} went all around, and stopped again at me!  I alone am really in charge
} of myself, not some dweeb SuperOracle standing behind me.
}
} Ain't bogus philosophy wonderful?!?!!!  You can start anywhere, twist
} just a bit, and come out with the conclusion that suits you best.
}
} You owe the Oracle L. Ron Hubbard's typewriter.


809-07    (ajtm8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omnientertaining Oracle, please help me.
>
> I need some ideas to spice up my juggling act.  Fire, knives
> and chainsaws just don't seem to impress people anymore.
> Surely there must be some new twist I could use.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I must say that modern civilization, for all its amenities, never
} matched the juggling prowess of ancient Greece. Who now has heard of
} Chironopolous, who juggled three slaves' heads *before* they were
} decapitaed, or Histaphenes, who juggled a two-handed sword, a barrel of
} wine, and Apollo while dancing on the top of the mast of the noble ship
} Hipholoni while a battle raged on the deck below?
}
} However, as I doubt these feats are within your grasp, I'll offer some
} more down-to-earth suggestions. Although fire on its own may not seem
} exciting enough, juggling three sticks of dynamite and the three
} detonators they are randomly connected to could be good for a bang. If
} you would like to learn from the experts, I suggest going to Washington
} DC to watch Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich juggle figures. For an even
} more impressive metaphysical performance, try Washington State and
} watch Bill Gates juggle lines of code and product release dates at the
} same time. And finally there was the quite famous and fortunately
} videotaped almost everlasting juggling of jurors performed by Lance Ito
} and OJ Simpson.
}
} You owe the Oracle Newt Gingrich juggling three lit sticks of
} short-fuse dynamite.


809-08    (cqsg6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What do I have to do to become an Internet Service Provider?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1)  Find a hula hoop.  There is probably one down in the basement.  If
}     not, go out to the local toy shop and buy one.  This is a must.
} 2)  Mount the hoop vertically a foot off the floor.
} 3)  For i = 1 to 5; repeat (1:2); end for
} 4)  Jump through hoops.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice domain name.


809-09    (8gnqf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose sun always shines and whose sheets are always
> April fresh...
>
> Who is your pick to win this year's Superbowl?  I would really like to
> know so I could make an, um...investment.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
}
} Stop laughing.  Bet on them to win Super Bowl XXX (at ONE QUADRILLION
} to 1 odds).  But then save your receipt.  Here's what's going to
} happen.
}
} Jan. 28--The Dallas Cowboys beat the Pittsburgh Steelers 41-17.
}
} Jan. 29--Dallas is discovered to have gone $83 million over the salary
} cap (mainly as a result of paying Deion Sanders both $15 million and
} $20 million in a case of life imitating pizza commercials), and are
} disqualified.  Pittsburgh is declared the NFL champion.
}
} Jan. 30--The 14 other NFC teams file a grievance, complaining that an
} NFC team was destined to win the Super Bowl, since they ALWAYS win the
} Super Bowl, and it doesn't matter that Pittsburgh was one of the 1966
} NFL teams, they're in the AFC now and any NFC team can always beat any
} AFC team in the Super Bowl.
}
} Jan. 31--In an unusual move, the NFL announces Super Bowl XXX.V will be
} held instead of the Pro Bowl in Hawaii.  It will feature the NFC
} runner-up Green Bay Packers against another 1966 NFL team, the
} Cleveland Browns.
}
} Feb. 4--Green Bay wins Super Bowl XXX.V by forfeit when the Cleveland
} Browns completely fail to show up for the game.  It turns out they
} completed their long-threatened move to Baltimore without even leaving
} a forwarding address.
}
} Feb. 7--The Tampa Bay Buccaneers announce a move to Cleveland.
}
} Feb. 8--A federal judge rules that the name "Cleveland Browns" belongs
} to the city of Cleveland.
}
} Feb. 9--The NFL rules that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, soon to be the
} Cleveland Browns, will play Green Bay in Super Bowl XXX.VI, which
} everyone hopes will be the last one until next season.
}
} Feb. 11--Tampa Bay/Cleveland (still playing as the Buccaneers) and
} Green Bay tie 3-3 in Super Bowl XXX.VI, henceforth known as "The Worst
} Football Game Ever."  It goes to quintuple overtime, lasting until 2:57
} A.M., until everyone just gets tired and agree to look up the
} tiebreaker rules in the morning.
}
} Feb. 12--The never-before-used tiebreaker rule for this situation
} states that the previous meeting of the two teams will be used to
} decide the winner.  In this case, Tampa Bay beat Green Bay 13-10 in
} overtime on December 10.  Tampa Bay is declared the Super Bowl XXX
} champion.
}
} Feb. 13--The Super Bowl champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers announce that
} they sold 45,000 seat deposits for a new stadium in the last 24 hours
} and are staying in Tampa Bay.
}
} So, as you can see, this is truly a lesson that anything can happen in
} the world of sports.  My advice is to bet $100 on Tampa Bay, so as of
} February 13, you'll have all the money in the world, which should be
} just about enough for a luxury box at the new Tampa Stadium.
}
} You owe this long-suffering Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan, a.k.a. The
} Oracle, a wild-card playoff berth next season.  At least.


809-10    (9ggno dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm the new one for this oracle service.Do I have to pay for this
> service?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.
}
} You owe the Oracle all your body hair.


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