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Internet Oracularities #81

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Usenet Oracularities #81
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 15 Dec 89 03:55:27 GMT

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81-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Dear Oral:
>
>   It seems I can only have a good time these days by making an imaginary
> fort out of the seat cushions on our couch.  My roomate thinks I'm under
> too much stress.  I was okay until I changed my major to Economics.
> What do you think I ought to do?
>
>  Sincerely:
>
>  Captain Bob, Fourth Regiment -- Living Room Corps

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's good to see that you are least preparing for the next black
} thursday..  It shows that you have good financial intuition..  If,
} however, you are really stressed out(preparing for a crash that wont
} even affect you since you aren't an economist yet..)..(unless, of
} course, you're really serious about this economist deal...  If you are,
} I suggest you get lotsa graph paper and notebooks instead of cushions so
} you can analyze the crash..  The fallout wont be too bad..) If (you seem
} to be a go getter with all this anticipation..) you feel that you might
} not be satisfied with your future job, perhaps you should try lion
} taming...


81-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend doesn't understand me, could that be because she's from
> Saoudi-Arabia ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nein, es ist denn du spricht Anglais aber dur Madchen spricht Deutsch.
} Versteht du die Madchen hat nichts mit sie bist einer Saudi Arabian.
} Iffen uber mit Wiederhausengehen, ja?
}
} Du haupst die Oracle einen Anglais-Deutsch/Deutsch-Anglais verkoffen
} Bucher.


81-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yesterday, I was walking down the street when car.  Then, I |  |  into a
>                                                              ||
>                                                             fell
> manhole, whereupon, my Nike-Air-get-'em-cheap-at-Al's-Aution-Barn'O'Rama
> did untie.  Wet and dirty, I pressed on and shirt.  Actually, you could
> say that it was sunny out, was it not for the clouds, and green toads on
> the turntable going round and round and round and round.  When I got to
> a junction, turn, decision point, thought-provoking-turn-of-events, I
> went Indiana.  All of a sudden, hamster did get loose when I was three,
> and then I was lost, up a creek with an outboard, rev-em-up-and-kill-30-
> innocent-people-a-swimmin'-in-the-sink.  What should I do?  Here I stand
> at the horse show, with nothing to show but the stubs of a lost life.
> What is the meaning of the Martian-invasion-from-outer-space-needs-women
> plot in most of todays intellectual TV dinners to go with a silver
> spoon?  Also, tell me what you think of this little groundhog:
>
> "...and suddenly it's day again,
> the sun is in the east,
> even though the day is done.
> Two suns in the sunset,
> hmmmmmmmmm.....
> Could be the human race is run?"
>   Please answer soon, as it is getting dark, my lap-tops-ever-lasting-
> Reebok-battery is getting low, and this satellite uplink window through
> an RCA- HBO-VHS hookup will not last forever.  By the way, the car was
> an iguana.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Upon delving into the depths of my infinite knowledge, your question is
} not only absolutely clear to me, but the answer is just as simple:  the
} fourth lawnmower on the left.
}
} You owe the oracle an appointment at a certified psychiatrist.


81-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is this gorgeous redhead who keeps following me around, mailing me
> love letters, asking my opinion of her underwear, and has repeatedly
> tried to sneak into my bed at night?
>
> Why does she do this?  What should I do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, this isn't really happening at all.  What you are experiencing
} is known as the Lucy Ball Complex.  It usually occurs in men you have
} psycologically blocked out any memory of Lucy's death.  This prevents
} the sufferer from experiencing the normal anger, denial, mourning phase
} that is commonly associated to the death of admired TV personalities.
} The result is the manifestation of hallucinations brought on by the
} psyche's inability to cope with this trama.  The symptoms can last for a
} few hours to many years.  Though sexual fantacies of the type you
} mention are not unheard of, most experience a peculiar desire to cry out
} loud, make fun of people with latino accents and pull pranks on your
} spouse and neighbor's spouse which eventually lead to chaos.
}
} It is very similar to a malady known as Jim Baccus Syndrome; a
} schitzophrenic disorder in which victims flip from thinking they're
} almost totally blind and getting into all sorts of mishaps, to believing
} they are Harvard grad- uate money grubbers with a wife named 'Lovey'.
}
} There is no known cure.


81-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I wonder if you can help me with the following major problem of mine:
> During the past 12 months I've been developing a chess program which
> I've been writing in LISP.  Now, my friends claims (I think they look at
> themselves as some sort of "computer fashion pack") that I have to
> convert my LISP program to the C language in order to prove that I'm a
> serious computer science student.  My question is simply:
> Is that really true, and are they right ?
> Is C more serious than LISP ????
>
> Besides, I'm from Sweden (By the way:  do you know anything about Sweden
> ??) so for any misspellings in the text I really do appologize.  As you
> realize, english is not my native language.
>
> Many thanks in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Instead of converting your LISP chess program to C, I would recommend
} that you convert it to INTERCAL.  INTERCAL is a computer language
} designed by Donald R.  Woods and James M.  Lyon.  INTERCAL is purposely
} different from any other computer language in all ways but one:  it is
} purely a written language, being totally unspeakable.
}
} The Name "INTERCAL" is an abbreviation for "Compiler Language With No
} Pronounceable Acronym."
}
} An excerpt from the INTERCAL Referece Manual will make the style of the
} language clear.  In most programming languages, if you want a variable
} (say A) to have the value 65536, you would write something like
}    LET A = 65536
}       or
}    A := 65536;
}
} The INTERCAL Reference Manual, however, explains that "it is well-known
} and oft-demonstrated fact that a person whose work is incomprehensible
} is held in high esteem.  For example:  if one were to state that the
} simplest way to store 65535 in an INTERCAL variable is
}
}    DO :1 <- #0%#256
}
} any sensible programmer would say that that was absurd.  Since this is
} indeed the simplest method, the programmer would be made to look foolish
} in front of his boss, who would of course have happened to turn up, as
} bosses are wont to do.  The effect would be no less devastating for the
} programmer having been correct."
}
} INTERCAL has many other peculiar features, as well, to make it even more
} unspeakable.  The language was actually implemented and used by many
} people at Princeton University.


81-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wise Oracle,
>
> What is the password of the root account?
>
> % cat /etc/passwd | grep root
> root:13Lez5.7lmdwM:0:1:Operator:/:/bin/csh
> %

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want me to decrypt '13Lez5.7lmdwM' for you, don't you?  Well, I
} could easily do that, but I think of what you would do with that
} information.  You would try get 'hacker' status among you friends,
} wouldn't you?  But what would you say if they wanted to know how you did
} it?  'I asked the Oracle.', eh?  They would laugh you through the floor!
} So, to save you from that, I refrain from giving you the password.
} Ain't I nice?
}
} You owe the Oracle crypt.c (mail it to gorbie@kremlc64.kreml.su.mil)


81-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I never find sentence in the land?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "...what an incredibly stupid question!  Ah well, maybe I can get
}  away with this..."
}
} [Skipping unavailable article]
}
} [Article #88963 marked as read]
}
} "OH NO YOU DON'T!  ANSWER THE QUESTION PROPERLY AS YOU WERE TRAINED
}  OR I'LL PUT YOU ON SUSPENSION, YOU LAZY EXCUSE FOR AN ORACLE!"
}
} "But your greatness, it makes no sense!  How can I respond to such
}  a lame question?"
}
} "ALRIGHT, I'LL ANSWER IT YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF DINGO'S KIDNEYS!
}
}  AHEM,
}
} OF COURSE YOU CAN'T FIND SENTENCE IN THE LAND!  AS ANY FIRST GRADE
} ENGLISH TEACHER COULD TELL YOU, "THE LAND" IS NOT A COMPLETE SENTENCE
} AS IT ONLY CONTAINS A DETERMINER AND A NOUN WITH NOTHING ELSE.  HOW
} STUPID CAN YOU GET?"
}
} I NOW RETURN YOU TO THE ORACLE."
}
} "Sorry 'bout that.  Anyway,"
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the MLA Writer's Guidelines.


81-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I was young, oh so much younger than today,
> I didn't need anybodys help in any way.
> Now I find that things have changed,
> so help me if you can, I feeling down.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, once when the world was a very new world
}    (Sing ho!  for the elegant Squid!)
} You went for your hair and your eyes to be curled
}    (Sing ho! For the Squid says he Did!)
} You had three complexions, you kept them on ice
}    (Sing ho! for the Squid has a devilish laugh.)
} And you dazzled the ladies with sparkles and spice
}    (Sing ho! for the Squid's making time and a half!)
} Now, buy an anemone stuffed in a vase
}    (Sing ho! for the Squid is rather complacent)
} And be careful, because Dr. Smurdstone (your dental surgeon) is
}    trying to sneak up on you and klonk you over the head with an anvil,
}    (Sing ho!  for the Squid is getting a degree in dental surgery as
}        well, and is a hell of a lot more dangerous than Dr. Smurdstone.)


81-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, please tell me:
> If you know everything, how come you're so often contradicting yourself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I always never contradict myself.
}
} Besides, we're schizophrenic.
}
} You owe the oracle several answers to one question.


81-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does the oracle look like??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Included please find the latest
} MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM picture of the Usenet Oracle.
} MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM........MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
} MMMMMMMMMMMMMM............MMMMMMMMMMMMM Have a nice day.
} MMMMMMMMMMMMM..............MMMMMMMMMMMM
} MMMMMMMMMMMMM..###....###..MMMMMMMMMMMM You owe the oracle a line-
} MMMMMMMMMMMM................MMMMMMMMMMM printer to GIF conversion
} MMMMMMMMMMMM................MMMMMMMMMMM program.
} MMMMMMMMMMMMM..###....###..MMMMMMMMMMMM
} MMMMMMMMMMMMM....######....MMMMMMMMMMMM
} MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM..........MMMMMMMMMMMMMM
} MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
} MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM


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