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Internet Oracularities #810

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810, 810-01, 810-02, 810-03, 810-04, 810-05, 810-06, 810-07, 810-08, 810-09, 810-10


Usenet Oracularities #810    (111 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 21 Jan 1996 14:01:07 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   810
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

810  111 votes 9BAn6 6gKz8 3ftKi bwGl5 rhtv7 jkBt6 4isyr dpxqe 2kyHc 7fzxl
810   3.1 mean  2.8   3.2   3.5   2.8   2.8   2.8   3.6   3.0   3.4   3.4


810-01    (9BAn6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> But what of Earth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure it's a nice pretty blue planet, and some would argue that the
} death of ALL life there would be a terrible waste, but we must not
} let the terror spread. The destruction of even one small
} insignificant planet is no small loss. But when balanced with the
} obliteration of a greater evil, a rodent whose deforestation habits
} are intriguing enough as to invade all of humanity with one lousy
} question, I think the loss is justified. Therefore I am seconding
} Zues' motion to let the earth fall into the sun without remorse.


810-02    (6gKz8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Hawaii truly in the tropical zone (i.e. between the Tropics
> of Capricorn and Cancer), or does it just seem that way?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That Hawaii is in the tropics is a popular misconception.  Hawaii is,
} in fact, a legend, or government conspiracy, if you will, much like
} Atlantis or Milwaukee.  The island is said to be a tropical paradise,
} inhabited by wealthy American retirees and surf bums.  When these
} people disappear from the continental U.S., it is often said that
} "they've moved to Hawaii."  This is a polite way of saying that they've
} been eliminated -- disposed of by government death squads.  You may
} occasionally see e-mail or postings from people claiming to be from
} Hawaii: ignore them -- they are delusional.


810-03    (3ftKi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the value of pie, to 10 significant digits?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If it comes from a vending machine or fast food chain, about zero.
} If My Grandma baked it, its value is immeasurably huge, and you can
} bet your bottom that I'm gonna have all ten of my significant
} digits in that pie for the entire 3.1415926535 nanoseconds it takes
} to move it from the plate to my mouth.
}
} You owe the Oracle a napkin.


810-04    (bwGl5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one.
> Reach out to this unworthy suplicant with your wisdom.
> Allow me to feast on a crumb of your knowledge.
> Chase away the ignorance that scourges my life.
> Lest I dolt over your greatness,
> Echo your response to me...
>
> I am being my family told me that I may have a drinking problem.  But,
> I tell them "I drink, I get drunk, I fall down...NO PROBLEM!"  Do you
> think they might be right.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish supplicant.  It seems that some people believe
} that everything that they learned, they learned in Kindergarten.
} It seems that everything that *you* learned, you learned from
} a BUMPER STICKER.
}
} I would suggest to you that your family may be right.  Seek out
} inner peace and find what is truly causing you to turn to
} such a filthy and destructive habit.  Because it is only through
} inner reflection that ...
}
} *****zzzzzzzzzzzOT!
}
} The Oracle wishes to express its utmost apologies for
} letting Confuscious sit in over lunch.
}
} My advice?  Party on, Dude.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of cold beer.


810-05    (rhtv7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Have condoms been created for dogs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, in fact condoms _have_ been created for dogs.  However, getting
} them to use one can be a real bitch, har har har ...
}
} You owe the Oracle a meteorological balloon.


810-06    (jkBt6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, please tell me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, I'm closed.  Next teller please.


810-07    (4isyr dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Bill Petrosky <gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, my life Master. Oh, light of my way.
> What does "I love you!" means?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends on who's saying it and when and to whom.  Let's take a brief
} look at some of the definitions:
}
} Small child to mother:  I'm glad you're here and that you take care of
}   me.  You give me a feeling of security.
}
} Small child to puppy:  You're soft and sweet and so much fun, I'm glad
}   you're here.  I like it when you lick my nose.
}
} Little girl to little boy on playground:  I think it's great fun
}   chasing you around the playground, and it's neat to see your face
}   turn all red when I say this in front of your friends!  Look out,
}   here I come!
}
} Little boy to little girl on playground:  (Are you kidding?  Do you
}   think any little boy would say that to a little girl on the
}   playground?!  They think girls are poisonous at that age!)
}
} 6th grade boy to girl at school sock-hop:  I think you're fun to be
}   around, and I'm hoping you'll let me kiss you.  I'm not sure what
}   it's all about, but my big brother got really embarrassed last summer
}   when my friends and I saw him kissing his girl goodnight once, so it
}   must be really good!  Besides, my friends Jeff and Rob and I have a
}   bet for who gets to kiss a girl at the dance first.
}
} 10th grade boy to girlfriend:  I like being with you, kissing and
}   hugging you is lots of fun, and you're pretty so it gives me great
}   status with my friends to be around you, too!
}
} 10th grade girl to boyfriend:  I like you and you're such a sensitive
}   kind of guy, you're a great kisser, and all my friends approve and
}   think you're great.  Well, except Candace, who thinks I should go
}   after Brad, but I think she only says that 'cause *she* wants to be
}   with you.
}
} School jock to any girl that passes by when he's at a party:  Hey
}   honey, I don't really love you, but I'm kind of drunk and the guys on
}   the team would think I'm a real stud if we could, you know, make out
}   or something...
}
} One friend to another:  I'm glad we're friends and that we've known
}   each other so long.  I know we'll always be close even if we move to
}   different places.  Thanks for being supportive of me when I need it.
}
} Parents to growing children:  We care about you very much and you mean
}   the world to us even though we sometimes argue.  The most important
}   thing to us is your happiness and well being.  We trust you to do
}   what's right as you've learned while you were growing up.
}
} Drunk Frat man to college freshman at frat party:  Hey, baby.  My
}   hormones are driving me wild.  None of that committment stuff--let's
}   just do what feels right, you know.  I'm older and I know what's best
}   for you.  Trust me.
}
} Young man to long time girlfriend:  I like being with you.  You're fun,
}   caring and compassionate.  I'd like to share my life with you.
}
} Michael Jackson to Marie Presley:  (Well, this goes beyond even the
}   Oracle's omniscience!  I'm still trying to figure this one out, too!)


810-08    (dpxqe dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I ever get a dog? If so when?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I understand your fears, Mr. Stone. Here, as a public service and as a
} warning, is the progression of your career between now and your forced
} retirement.
}
} * "The Chairman" -- Your unauthorized biography of Lee Iacocca is
} highly controversial and highly successful. Alec Guinness turns in the
} best performance of his career as Iacocca. Chrysler's board of
} directors sues you over a scene in which you depict them defeating by
} only one vote a proposal to install really fragile brake cables so that
} people will have to buy new cars more often, but the media coverage of
} the court battle spikes ticket sales up another twenty percent, which
} well offsets the judgment against you. The film wins Best Picture, Best
} Director, Best Actor, Best Screenplay, Best Cinematography, and Best
} Best Boy. In a televised interview on "Entertainment Tonight," you
} mention that since you started work on a non-CIA bashing film, the CIA
} agents have stopped shadowing you, bugging your phones, and beaming
} microwaves into your brain.
}
} * "Weekend Warrior" -- Your historical account of the Grenada invasion
} wins mixed reviews. Charlton Heston is Ronald Reagan and Joan Collins
} plays the First Lady In Red as a sharp-tongued harridan. Your choice to
} use videotape to create eerily realistic reconstructions of planning
} meetings and battle scenes convinces thousands of people that the CIA
} actually planned both the coup in Grenada and the subsequent U.S.
} invasion. Hundreds of Grenadans picket the CIA's offices and are
} tear-gassed live on the evening news, while you videotape the whole
} event for inclusion in a future movie. "Weekend Warriors" is nominated
} for Best Picture and Best Director and fails to win either one,
} although it does pick up an Oscar for "Best Title Sequences" due to
} your choice to write the credits in blood on a Grenada beach.
}
} * "Prince of Peace" -- Brad Pitt is Jesus, Sharon Stone plays Mary
} Magdalene, and Anthony Hopkins wins his twelth Oscar for portraying
} Pontius Pilate as a vengeful defrocked ex-Pharisee. Audiences across
} the country shout their disbelief at the screen as you unfold your
} theory that the CIA orchestrated the trial, arrest and execution of
} Christ, along with your belief that he was killed not by crucifixion,
} but by a slingshot-wielding assailant on the sandy knoll. Nuns picket
} the premiere. The Pope calls you a buffoon in English, Latin, and
} Polish.
}
} * "Helter-Skelter" -- Your choice to cast Jim Carey as Charles Manson
} is a bad move. The film goes straight to video stores, where it dies a
} quiet death as the rumor spreads among patrons that if they rent the
} film, tape something over it and never bring it back, the video store
} won't care.
}
} * "Screaming Buick" -- Your four hour extravaganza about the CIA's role
} in causing President Bush to vomit all over the Prime Minister of Japan
} is stopped in pre-production by studio heads, and you are transported
} to a remote resort where you are prescribed heavy psychedelics, and
} live out your life gnawing at your straitjacket straps and telling the
} nurses about the bugging devices in their blouses.
}
} You owe the Oracle a director's cut of your private film which proves
} that all the Bond films are secretly a PR project for the CIA.


810-09    (2kyHc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between common stocks and prefered stocks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Common stocks are made from two large pieces of wood with little
} half-moons cut out for the head and hands generally located right
} across from the church in the middle of the town square for all to see
} and admonish.
}
} Preferred stocks have velvet slip covers and a stool to sit upon.
} These are generally located up-wind of the livery stable.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of The Scarlet Letter and a whip.


810-10    (7fzxl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Amazing Oracle, you know the latitude and longitude of origin of every
> kernel of corn you eat, and can create topspin with your mind!  Truly
> you are too amazing even for Ripley's Believe It Or Not.  Now hear my
> plea:
>
> I was playing racquetball with my roommate when I tried too hard for a
> point, ran into a wall, and fell to the ground, stunned.  My roommate
> took the opportunity to rush up and hammer my foot repeatedly with his
> racquet, breaking a bone.  I was in an orthopedic shoe for seven weeks.
> The rat bastard insists that I broke my foot on contact with the wall,
> but I know the truth.  How may I best get revenge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm... that depends on what sort of person you actually are.
}
} If you're fond of psychological warfare, you could just stare at him
} for five minutes every hour. Don't say anything, just stare. If he asks
} you why you're doing this, say "What? Doing what? Looking at what?".
} The other fifty-five minutes, you'll just glance at him out of the
} corner of your eye and be careful never to turn your back completely.
}
} If what you want is a chance to return his good offices by beating him
} up, you should turn off the lights every night before he comes in. Then
} lie in wait for him with a baseball bat. When he opens the door, you
} hit him in a place of your choice. Then apologise profusely, saying
} that you thought it was a burglar.
}
} If you are a real sadist, and prepared to make a mortal enemy of this
} bastard, you install Windows 95 on his computer. This method should be
} used sparingly, and only when all else fails.
}
} You owe the oracle a new roommate.
}
} ... the Turtle Moves ...


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