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Internet Oracularities #811

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811, 811-01, 811-02, 811-03, 811-04, 811-05, 811-06, 811-07, 811-08, 811-09, 811-10


Usenet Oracularities #811    (106 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 24 Jan 1996 18:15:32 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   811
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

811  106 votes 8zDl3 6jzvf gszn4 mrokd aqKm2 bhxpk 4stve fzrib 0aCAm 5qvvd
811   3.0 mean  2.8   3.3   2.7   2.8   2.8   3.2   3.2   2.8   3.7   3.2


811-01    (8zDl3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O groovy and smurfy oracle, is it better to find yourself or to lose
> yourself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant, let me answer this question with a parable, since
} true enlightenment can only be achieved through meditation, spiritual
} exercise, and ingesting considerable amounts of pecan pie.
}
} A philosopher went into the deep forest. Along the way, she reflected
} that all paths of life are the same; so thinking, she took an
} unfamiliar turn to see where it led. Soon she chanced upon a clearing
} where a small cabin stood. As she was preparing to enter, however, her
} pager went off - a call from the Dean to remind her of a lecture in the
} afternoon. Hurriedly calling up her notes on her palmtop, she got back
} in the nick of time to the university, where she bored half her
} students to death.
}
} I hope this has shed some light on your question; if not, remember
} that you'll always find yourself in the last place you look. You owe
} the oracle a pecan pie.


811-02    (6jzvf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get through level 3 of Super Mario Brothers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suggest using the double-barrel shotgun from Doom 2.  You'll
} find it much more effective and satisfying that jumping and
} bouncing all over the place.


811-03    (gszn4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oracle, burning bright,
>
> Who would win in a fight, Cthulhu or Nyarlathotep?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Neither. They'd both gang up to fight the REAL evil in the world.
} Bill Gates.  Unfortunately, they both decided to get computers to
} organize their assualt, and got ones with Winslows 95 pre-loaded.
} Their attack will come sometime around 2053, when OS/2 and Linux will
} have sent ol' Billy-bob to an early grave anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle Cthulhu's autograph.


811-04    (mrokd dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you make an Oracle float?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .... actually I make it long double :)


811-05    (aqKm2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Usenet Oracle, I prostrate myself before you now in the hope of
> comprehending a smidgeon of your incomprensible knowledge.
>
> For many years I have had on my desk a mug filled with pens, pencils,
> and such-like instruments. The mug stands upon two stumpy legs, and it
> wears brown shoes. Why is that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's obviously a mutant garden gnome. Its particular genetic deformity
} caused it to be hollow, to have no head or arms, and to be small enough
} to fit on your average desk. I suggest willing its remains to science.
} You just _thought_ it was a mug.
}
} You owe the Oracle your pens and pencils. You're causing the poor gnome
} too much pain.


811-06    (bhxpk dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <html>
> <head>
> <title>Please answer my humble question.</title>
> </head>
> <body>
>
> <p>
> <center><h2>A quick question</h2></center>
>
> <p>
> <grovel>
> Oh powerful and mighty Oracle, who's boundless wisdom and charming good
> looks are unmatched, who knows the addressess to all of the cool Web
> pages, who is the undisputed "Webmaster" of the internet, I beg you to
> humor a lowly supplicant like myself and answer my humble question.
> </grovel>
>
> <p>
> <question>
> Do I spend too much time on the World Wide Web?
> </question>
>
> </body>
> </html>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <html>
} <head>
} <title>Oracle's home page.</title>
} </head>
} <body background="woodchk.gif">
}
} <p>
} <center><h2>The Oracle replies!</h2></center>
} <center><img src="qstnmrk.gif"></center>
}
} <p>
} <answer>
} No.
} </answer>
}
} <h3>Friends</h3>
} <ul>
} <li><a href="http://www.heaven.com/~god">God</a> - We go way
}     back.
} <li><a href="http://www.microsoft.com/~bgates">Satan</a> - I
}     taught him everything he knows!
} </ul>
}
} <p>
} Send me <a href="mailto:oracle@cs.indiana.edu">mail</a> please!
}
} </body>
} </html>


811-07    (4stve dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most knowing of all possible oracles, you who are the only one to
> comprehend the entire topology of the Internet, answer, I beg this
> simple question:
>
> What is a netstorm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Today's forecast is brought to you by the Bureau of Packetology
}
}  alt.sex.*:
}  Crowded over the bizarre end with scattered flames and periods of
}  spam. Isolated AOL'ers and storms elsewhere north of alt.sex.bondage.
}  Quiet in alt.sex.sysop.
}
}  Moderate northwest spams about the binary groups. Light spams
}  elsewhere north of alt.sex.sun4. Moderate easterly MSN users ahead of
}  a sharp Compu$erve change developing in the south this morning.
}
}  FLAME DANGER:
}  High over the alt.os.linux-vs-win95 region.
}
}  WARNINGS:
}  Bill Gates seen posting in the vicinity of alt.fan.gerbils
}
}  You owe the Oracle the final five minutes of a prime time daily news
}  program, on a high rating national network. And a pointer.


811-08    (fzrib dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> pi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No thank you, I prefer cake.


811-09    (0aCAm dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [Supplicant note: this is the 2nd posting of this question, the first
> answer was cut off in the middle, so I am blaming the problem on
> a newsserver that undoubtably runs Windows95, and am trying again.
> Thank you, the supplicant.]
>
>   Oh gracious Oracle, who can decipher "waR3 R tH3 SannDRA Bu((0c!<
> n00ds?" type language without getting a headache, please help this
> humble, horny supplicant.
>
>   I am unable to fulfill my last remaining sexual fantasy.  I want to
> have sex with the au-pair girl that lived with us when I was seven,
> but I have recently run into her, and she weighs 300 pounds and has
> a mustache now.  I want the luscious 18-year old Swedish nymphette
> of my youth.
>
>   So, Oracle, please instruct me how to go back in time, render my
> seven-year old self unconscious, seduce the au-pair girl in my current
> body and then use my current savings of $500 to buy stock in Apple,
> Inc. so that I can come back and retire at age 27.
>
>   While you're at it, can I have Traci Lords' address in Redondo,
> CA in 1989, or furnish me with the location in France of that legal
> movie she shot after she turned 18?
>
>   Oh, and I need to know what the highest dosage of vitamin E a human
> can safely consume is.
>
>   Thanks, Orrie, I knew I could count on ya'.
>
> Yours,
>
> Bob Stacktimber

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bad supplicant.  I detect at least seven distinct questions.  In the
} future, consider sending them in as seven different messages.  But, as
} the Oracle, I'm honor-bound to reply, so, here are your answers.
}
}   "...please instruct me how to go back in time..."
}
} Well, since you said "please"...
}
} The trick to going back in time is simple.  Just move faster than the
} speed of light (C).  Since C++ is one greater than C, clearly it moves
} faster than light, and moves backward through time.  So to move back
} in time, upgrade some legacy C code from the appropriate time period
} to C++.
}
} Unfortunately, if you successfully do this, you'll be moving one mile
} per hour faster than the speed of light.  This is bad.  Not only are
} you likely to be pulled over and ticketed, the high velocity is likely
} to crush you.
}
}   "...please instruct me how to...render my seven-year old self
}    unconscious..."
}
} I suggest a tire iron.
}
}   "..please instruct me how to...seduce the au-pair girl in my
}    current body..."
}
} If your current body?  Are you sure you'd rather not spend a few
} months at the gym and seduce her with a good looking body?  Fine,
} fine.  It's just that this is much harder.  First, travel to France.
} Second, acquire a gold ingot, cover it with a thin layer of lead.
} (I said this was hard.) Then travel back in time to the days of King
} Arthur, and find Merlin.  (Hey, you're the one too lazy to get into
} shape.)  Prove to Merlin that you've mastered turning Lead to Gold by
} chemically removing the shell of lead from the gold ingot.  In exchange
} for the secret of alchemy, ask for a love potion, the same one he gave
} Arthur's dad... What, is this getting too tough?  You'd rather just
} work out?  Fine.  Then spend a few months getting into shape, then read
} on:
}
} Okay, now that you look like a stud, bleach your hair blond, get some
} blue contact lenses, and a box of chocolates.  That'll be enough to
} seduce her.  (In fact, it's this box of chocolates that later leads
} to her current weight problem.)
}
}   "...please instruct me how to...use my current savings of $500 to buy
}    stock in Apple, Inc."
}
} Simple, buy some stock in Apple, Inc. while you're there.
} Unfortunately, you seduced the Swedish girl just before Steve Jobs was
} about to.  He'll be unable to seduce her with his box of chocolates,
} because she's quite content with yours.  Steve will be so depressed
} that he'll give up on the computer industry.  Apple, Inc. will never
} produce the Macintosh, and your investment will be worth almost
} nothing.
}
}   "...please instruct me how...I can come back..."
}
} You did remember to bring some C++ code from the present, right?  You
} did?  Good.  Just convert it to C.  You'll be back (either through
} time dilation, or just spending forever translating C++'s elegant
} but slow Classes into C's ugly but fast functions) soon enough.
}
}   "...please instruct me how to...retire at age 27."
}
} Quit work.
}
}    "While you're at it, can I have Traci Lords' address in Redondo, CA
}    in 1989, or furnish me with the location in France of that legal
}    movie she shot after she turned 18?"
}
} Oooh, my choice?  I'll take French Film for two hundred please.
}
} A quick call to the French Oracle revealed that you can find a copy of
} that movie at (Might be mis-spelt, my french ain't so hot), "Eeks,
} eeks, eeks, shoald, shoald, shoald" in Paris.
}
}    "Oh, and I need to know what the highest dosage of vitamin E a human
}     can safely consume is."
}
} *BZZZZT*  I'm sorry, please rephrase your answer in the form of a
} question.
}
}    "What is the highest dosage of vitamin E a human can safely
}    consume?"
}
} 17 FT. (FT is a pharaceutical term for measuring vitamins,
} approximately equal to one Flintstones Chewable Vitamen Tablet.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better grovel, one question per message, a
} carriage return every eighty characters, and Traci Lords.


811-10    (5qvvd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (standing on tippy-toes)  Mr. Orrie, sir?  (sighs, turns and looks back
> at mom for re-assurance, and speaks a little louder)  Mr. Orrie, sir?
> My mommy says you're really nice and that you'll answer my question if
> I'm really polite...  (smiles a bit when Orrie nods yes)  Well, my
> brother Doug told me at the circus last night that cotton candy is
> really made of (*wrinkles nose*) recycled cotton underwear.  Mommy says
> it's not, but Doug says that mommy's just saying that because it's one
> of those Adult Secrets that she doesn't want me to know.  You know,
> like how some foods that taste good really have lots of vitamins anyway
> or something like where babies come from...   So, I wanted to ask you
> because everyone says you'll tell me the truth.  Is it really made out
> of that?  (exhales breath she's been holding and plays with one
> braid...)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear young lady, I'd be most pleased to help you. Just sit down on
} that chair over there. The one with the pillows, yes. Ma'am, could you
} please get the lights? The switch is just behind you. Wonderful.
}
} <A blank white screen descends from the ceiling behind the Oracle,
} while a previously-unnoticed projector lowers itself from the ceiling
} and switches on. The Oracle pulls out a laser pointer, and uses it to
} illustrate his points on the projected diagram>
}
} This <box labelled 'Meredith'> is you. This <box labelled 'Doug'> is
} your brother. These arrows represent the relations between you. For
} example, Doug "is-brother-to" you. This <box labelled 'Heather.> is
} your mother. Yes, you, ma'am. As you can see, she "is-mother-to" you.
} Also, Doug "is-jealous-of" her "has-affection-of" relation with you.
} This has created this "wants-to-hurt" arrow, which, combined with your
} "believes" arrow (a direct result of the "is-older" relation), has
} created this "lies-to-in-order-to-hurt-psychologically" arrow. So you
} can see that nothing he says is true, and you have nothing to worry
} about. Can you get the lights again, ma'am? Thanks.
}
} You owe the Oracle 10 reasons why relational databases don't work.


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