} Bad supplicant. I detect at least seven distinct questions. In the
} future, consider sending them in as seven different messages. But, as
} the Oracle, I'm honor-bound to reply, so, here are your answers.
} "...please instruct me how to go back in time..."
} Well, since you said "please"...
} The trick to going back in time is simple. Just move faster than the
} speed of light (C). Since C++ is one greater than C, clearly it moves
} faster than light, and moves backward through time. So to move back
} in time, upgrade some legacy C code from the appropriate time period
} to C++.
} Unfortunately, if you successfully do this, you'll be moving one mile
} per hour faster than the speed of light. This is bad. Not only are
} you likely to be pulled over and ticketed, the high velocity is likely
} to crush you.
} "...please instruct me how to...render my seven-year old self
} I suggest a tire iron.
} "..please instruct me how to...seduce the au-pair girl in my
} current body..."
} If your current body? Are you sure you'd rather not spend a few
} months at the gym and seduce her with a good looking body? Fine,
} fine. It's just that this is much harder. First, travel to France.
} Second, acquire a gold ingot, cover it with a thin layer of lead.
} (I said this was hard.) Then travel back in time to the days of King
} Arthur, and find Merlin. (Hey, you're the one too lazy to get into
} shape.) Prove to Merlin that you've mastered turning Lead to Gold by
} chemically removing the shell of lead from the gold ingot. In exchange
} for the secret of alchemy, ask for a love potion, the same one he gave
} Arthur's dad... What, is this getting too tough? You'd rather just
} work out? Fine. Then spend a few months getting into shape, then read
} Okay, now that you look like a stud, bleach your hair blond, get some
} blue contact lenses, and a box of chocolates. That'll be enough to
} seduce her. (In fact, it's this box of chocolates that later leads
} to her current weight problem.)
} "...please instruct me how to...use my current savings of $500 to buy
} stock in Apple, Inc."
} Simple, buy some stock in Apple, Inc. while you're there.
} Unfortunately, you seduced the Swedish girl just before Steve Jobs was
} about to. He'll be unable to seduce her with his box of chocolates,
} because she's quite content with yours. Steve will be so depressed
} that he'll give up on the computer industry. Apple, Inc. will never
} produce the Macintosh, and your investment will be worth almost
} "...please instruct me how...I can come back..."
} You did remember to bring some C++ code from the present, right? You
} did? Good. Just convert it to C. You'll be back (either through
} time dilation, or just spending forever translating C++'s elegant
} but slow Classes into C's ugly but fast functions) soon enough.
} "...please instruct me how to...retire at age 27."
} Quit work.
} "While you're at it, can I have Traci Lords' address in Redondo, CA
} in 1989, or furnish me with the location in France of that legal
} movie she shot after she turned 18?"
} Oooh, my choice? I'll take French Film for two hundred please.
} A quick call to the French Oracle revealed that you can find a copy of
} that movie at (Might be mis-spelt, my french ain't so hot), "Eeks,
} eeks, eeks, shoald, shoald, shoald" in Paris.
} "Oh, and I need to know what the highest dosage of vitamin E a human
} can safely consume is."
} *BZZZZT* I'm sorry, please rephrase your answer in the form of a
} "What is the highest dosage of vitamin E a human can safely
} 17 FT. (FT is a pharaceutical term for measuring vitamins,
} approximately equal to one Flintstones Chewable Vitamen Tablet.
} You owe the Oracle a better grovel, one question per message, a
} carriage return every eighty characters, and Traci Lords.