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Internet Oracularities #812

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812, 812-01, 812-02, 812-03, 812-04, 812-05, 812-06, 812-07, 812-08, 812-09, 812-10


Usenet Oracularities #812    (107 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 30 Jan 1996 08:32:08 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   812
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

812  107 votes 2vuA8 agusn gyCe5 9Bwn6 gmkvi ajzxa 6eHwc 9fltx 8eoBo 9ptqi
812   3.2 mean  3.2   3.4   2.6   2.8   3.1   3.1   3.3   3.6   3.5   3.2


812-01    (2vuA8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, tell me where
> to find some die for my hair.
>
> It turned a sickly sea-weed green
> After swimming in a pool with chlorine.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dearest jade-haired supplicant,
}
} You clearly do not know the nature of your problem.  Recent experiments
} by well-known scientists (Jim and Bob) have shown that chlorine itself
} is a die.  Putting a differently-hued die in your hair will thus not
} produce the expected result, but will rather create a completely new
} color - a mixture of your current sickly sea-weed green and the color
} you were expecting to have.  Consider the likely results:
}
} Expected die           Actual hair                Comments to be
}    color             color resulting            heard from friends
} --------------      -----------------        -----------------------
} 'Rugged             1976 Pontiac             "Love what you've done
}   Brunette'           Vomit-Green              to your hair!"
}
} 'Ravishing          Ultra-violet             "Love what you've done
}   Red-head'                                    to your hair!"
}
} 'Blonde             Fred Flintstone's        "Love what you've done
}   Ambition'           shirt orange             to your hair!"
}
} 'Snowy              Sickly Sea-Weed          "Love what you've done
}   White'              Green (tm)               to your hair!"
}
} 'Raven              Batman Forever           "Love what you've done
}   Black'              Fluorescent Green        to your hair!"
}
} -----------------------------------
} Note: You have very polite friends.
} -----------------------------------
}
} As you can see, dying your hair will not produce the intended results
} (but your friends will love it!).
}
} The Oracle recommends investing instead in a good razor and shaving
} your hair off entirely (your friends will love that too!).
}
} You can purchase the necessary supplies at your local WalGREEN drug
} store.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Moonstruck"-era Cher wig.


812-02    (agusn dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh sweet and magnificent Oracle, you detentor of the truth...
> ... why the keyboard is not in alfabetic order?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since your mastery of English is clearly not what it might be, I will
} on this occasion ignore the rather paltry grovel.
}
} Unless you happen to be left-handed, the keyboard *is* in alphabetical
} order. Examine the array of devices arranged in front of you as you
} read this message. From left to right, they are:
}
}      ----------------------------------           -----
}     /                                  \          |   |
}     |                                  |          |   |
}     |                                  |           \-/
}     \__________________________________/
}
}                   KEYBOARD                        MOUSE
}
} Looks like alphabetical order to me. Perhaps English is not your first
} language?
}
} You owe the Oracle a reverse-Polish dictionary.


812-03    (gyCe5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, most amazingly clever oracle, who can balance the federal budget on
> his foot while juggling three flaming members of Congress, please hear
> my unworthy, and confusing query.
>
> Three days ago,Jon Bonjovi's chest hair showed up on my doorstep,
> tousseled, crying, all its mousse had run because it had been out in
> the rain. It had run away because it was sad and lonely; the chest hair
> of an aging fluffy rock singer does not have an easy life, and the
> years of toil and abuse had certainly taken their toll on the
> disheveled mass that was leaving a slick ooze on my couch while sipping
> the tea I brought it. I'm trying to convince the chest hair that if it
> doesn't want to go back, it really shouldn't. there's a million things
> a pile of chest hair can accomplish in this world. but Jon keeps
> calling, making promises that he'll take better care of it, trying to
> bring up memories of all the fun times they shared. I'm torn, Masterful
> Oracle, what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    You're right, of course.  The poor chest hair has been through quite
} enough, and it's about time Jon learned to live with that.  Next time
} he calls, tell him, kindly but firmly:
}
}    "Look, Jon, you KNOW how it goes...  Hair today, gone tomorrow!"
}
}    If that doesn't convince him, feel free to invoke My name in
}    support.
}
}    You owe the Oracle some bad medicine.


812-04    (9Bwn6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, could you tell me who took my bracelet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bigfoot. These normally timid creatures have
} a magpie-like fascination with shiny objects
} and often sneak into urban areas to find them,
} disguising themselves as retired pro wrestlers.
} Caution: Your particular beastie may return for
} the matching earrings - beware of hirsute
} individuals attempting to promote exercise
} videos.
}
} You owe the Oracle some blurry long-range
} snapshots of a retired pro wrestler.


812-05    (gmkvi dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@pobox.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, more than round
> Oracle, Oracle, real profound
> Oracle, Oracle, I must plea
> Answer the question I give to thee:
>
> How many hedges could a hedgehog hog if a
> hedgehog could hog hedges?
>
> Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, supplicant, an answer you crave,
} Supplicant, supplicant, a question so brave,
} Supplicant, supplicant, about hedgehogs you rave,
} What shall I do about you?
}
} Supplicant, supplicant, you stay with the norm,
} Supplicant, supplicant, you use an old form,
} Supplicant, supplicant, you may come to harm,
} What do you want me to do?
}
} Supplicant, supplicant, perhaps you feel hot?
} Supplicant, supplicant, try to run, you cannot!
} Supplicant, supplicant, *ZOT* *ZOT* *ZOT* *ZOT*
} *That's* what I wanted to do!


812-06    (ajzxa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O ever-so-mighty and wise Oracle, whose incredible powers of perception
> put the likes of Sherlock Holmes to shame...
>
> Who was really the leader of the Three Stooges?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The three most powerful leaders of the United States: Clinton,
} Gingrich and Dole, or "Stooges" as you like to refer to them
} as, are all in elected positions.  The beauty of this is
} witnessed when we look at the intricacies of democracy.
}
} You elect the Stooges, the Stooges try to make the laws but the
} Stooges can't agree so you elect three new Stooges.
}
} So, in effect, you, Supplicant, as the average American
} citizen, are the leader of the Three Stooges.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent entertainment act for his birthday
} party... <nyuk-nyuk-nyuk>


812-07    (6eHwc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wonderful Oracle, who never even has a Bad Hair Day, please
> tell me - why is that its only ever the day before an assignment has
> to be in that all the computers get stolen from my University?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most colleges and universities are on similar schedules.  They have
} midterms and finals around the same time, and large projects often
} are due at around the same time.  The College of Criminal Arts in
} your home town is no exception.  Electronics 101, the introductory
} course in the Theft Department has a major project due today.  It
} sounds like this years class is doing very well, wouldn't you say?
}
} You owe the Oracle a degree in Extortion.


812-08    (9fltx dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh fractured gruntbuggly Oracle, whose necturations are to me....
>
> ..can you tell me how Jerry Garcia is doing in the afterworld?  A lot
> of folks down here miss the guy, and I just want to know how he's
> doing.  Also, when I finally shuffle off this mortal coil, I want
> tickets to one of his "afterworld tours."
>
> Where exactly will Jerry be playing, and how do I go about ensuring I
> have tickets when I go?
>
> Also, I would like to see Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix open for
> Garcia, maybe with Keith Moon on drums; or maybe John Bonham from Led
> Zep.  Anyway, whats the afterworld music scene like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Fractured gruntbuggly"... I like that! Who says the art of grovelling
} is dead?
}
} I must confess, however, that I have not been keeping up with the
} venues for Jerry's gigs now that he's joined the choir invisible. But
} since you asked so nicely, I'll find out for you. Going up...
}
} [ZOT]
}
} Now here's the man to tell us. Archangel Gabriel, how's tricks?
}
}    "Hey! Orrie, my main man! How's it hanging, dude?"
}
} Same as ever - slightly to the left, you know. Listen, I came to ask
} about the music scene. What's going down in paradise?
}
}    "You came to the right man, bro. I'm just now putting together
}    tomorrow night's show. It's a screamer - it'll blow the top of your
}    head clear off. Top of the bill are Deanna Durbin and Nelson Eddy."
}
} That's a bit, um, what's a polite word for it... sedate, isn't it?
} Don't you have anything lined up with a funkier beat?
}
}    "Next year we're expecting Julie Andrews to croak. How's 'Climb
}    Every Mountain' grab ya?"
}
} By the throat, mainly. How about electronic music?
}
}    "Oh, you mean rock, soul, punk, rap, that kind of thing? Hey, that's
}    the devil's music. The boss don't hold with that scene. Total
}    sputum, I know, but that's how it is."
}
} So no Jim Morrison, Keith Moon, Jerry Garcia? Ever? Throughout all
} eternity?
}
}    "You're hoaxing me, right? Drug overdoses and suicides? Here???"
}
} I thought you might make a special case...
}
}    "Chill out, babe! And what about the audience? It's immoral and
}    illegal to attend a 'Dead concert unstoned, you know that. And you
}    know how the boss feels about drugs. El bummer grande, but that's
}    how it is."
}
} I guess so... So it's the other place I want if I'm looking for some
} real entertainment, eh?
}
}    "Hey, it ain't that bad. You wanna stick around here a while -
}    things'll really be hotting up once the Osmonds start popping their
}    clogs."
}
} I can hardly wait. Unfortunately, urgent business calls me elsewhere.
} Going down...
}
} [ZOT]
}
} Whew! I'm always finding unexpected side-benefits to immortality.
} Right, unbearable heat, sulfurous fumes, screams of agony - this sounds
} more promising.
}
}    "Tickets, please."
}
} Ah, Mephistopheles, just the person I need. Tickets, you say? Is there
} a concert about to start?
}
}    "You don't get in without a ticket, sonny."
}
} That's okay - I just want to know who's playing.
}
}    "Oh, right. Well, Karl Maria von Weber is opening for Brandenburg
}    Brain Death. You know them? It's a great lineup - Wolfie Mozart on
}    lead, Fred Handel on bass, Joe Bach on keyboard and Louie 'Eh What's
}    That You Say?' Van B on drums."
}
} But they're all classical composers! Where's the *real* dead rockers?
} Where's Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain?
}
}    "Truth to tell, most of them didn't want to keep it up once they'd
}    been here a while. Unremitting torment does that to people. Jimi now
}    presses flowers. Janis Joplin takes aerobics classes. Keith Moon
}    just sits in a corner and says 'Wibble' every once in a while."
}
} And Jerry Garcia? Don't tell me *he* lost the rhythm.
}
}    "Jerry *dead*!?! When did it happen? Why wasn't I *told*?"
}
} What! You mean he's not here?
}
}    "No way, man! I'd have *known*!"
}
} Curiouser and curiouser. Going up...
}
} [ZOT]
}
} Well, supplicant - this is quite baffling, and not a little disturbing.
} You see, if Jerry's not in heaven and he's not in hell, there's only
} one other place he can be. Yes, it looks like Jerry Garcia's now one of
} the hateful undead.
}
} You owe the Oracle absolution for his worst joke of the year so far.


812-09    (8eoBo dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my printer keep jamming?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It tourred with Bob Marley in a previous incarnation.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Alps with dredlocks.


812-10    (9ptqi dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Teww me a stowy daddy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is little Pooky up past her bedtime?  Pooky wants a stowy?
}
} (Hoists little girl onto lap.  She leans against his shoulder and sucks
} her thumb.)
}
} Okay, Daddy-waddy will tell Pooky-wooky a story about Loosy-Goosy and
} Tacky-Wacky.  Lucy-Goosy and Tacky-Wacky were two little micey-wicey
} living in a housy-wousy in the country.  They lived next door to a pig
} named Hammy-Tammy and liked to talk to him.  Farmer Jimsy came out and
} would give Hammy-Tammy some munchies which the little mices would
} share, and the micey-wicey would scratch Hammy-Tammy behind the ears,
} which of course he liked very much.  And they were very happy.
} (Little girl shifts slightly.  Her eyes are closed and she is smiling
} contentedly as she sucks her thumb.)
}
} But then one day a big bad woodchuck Bob came with an AK-47.  Because
} Farmer Jimsy had forgotten to lock the gate and because the micey and
} pigsy had been up the night before partying and were sleeping late in
} the day, no one noticed when he pushed to gate open and came into the
} barnyard.  The cutesy-wutesy woodchuck smiled evilly and blew everyone
} away.
}
} (Girl is now trembling with fear.  She gets up and backs away from her
} father. )
}
} Girl: You're not daddy!!!
} Daddy:  Sure I am Pooky.
} Girl: Daaaaaaadddddyyyyy!!
}
} ("Daddy" pulls off a mask, revealing a really ugly woodchuck with an
} AK-47)
}
} Really Ugly Woodchuck:  Little girl, do you want to hear another story?
} Girl:  (crying) ***WWWAAAHHHH!!!*****
} Really Ugly Woodchuck: Once upon a time... (Girl howls) there was a
} little girl who didn't want to go to sleep....(Girl whimpers)....and
} because she didn't... (Girl backs away)... she was punished....
}
} (All of a sudden, Girl makes a flying side-kick and connects with
} Really Ugly Woodchuck's front teeth.  She rebounds, does a backflip,
} bounces off the floor, jumps over the woodchuck, and pushes a red
} button on the opposite wall.)
}
} Red button:  **ZOT**
}
} (Woodchuck CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED This
} is a service of your local BNTWBTVSASTRGBU (Be Nice to Woodchucks
} Because They're Very Sensitive About Seeing Their Relatives Get Blown
} Up Organization) CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED Censored)
}
} Girl stands over heap of coal.
}
} Girl:  And the forces of good reign once more.
}
} (She accidentally leans on red button)
}
} *ZOT*
}
} Note from Oracle to Supplicant:
} Sorry.  That's the last time I let Quentin Tarantino direct one of MY
} scenarios.


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