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Internet Oracularities #813

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813, 813-01, 813-02, 813-03, 813-04, 813-05, 813-06, 813-07, 813-08, 813-09, 813-10


Usenet Oracularities #813    (122 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 2 Feb 1996 17:15:29 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   813
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

813  122 votes erJx3 oFwbe grAte 36qEL fpDy9 2fuEz 9sAyf 8gKDd 8uCAa afjIy
813   3.2 mean  2.9   2.6   3.0   4.0   3.0   3.7   3.1   3.3   3.1   3.6


813-01    (erJx3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why arnt their hot wimin on this use net work?  are you tye sysop ot
> the bbs or can i volintear and get some babes free logons or like that?
>  oh yah, i like the hot sex forims the use net bbs has!  man, i cant
> waite to convert the files to graphic raster output that i can print to
> my screen!  woo hoo!! do you have a file changer i can install on
> this???!!!???!!!  far out man!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wrong newsgroup.  Try alt.hot.women.wanted.  That's where they all hang
} out. They're so frustrated by the lack of attention shown them by men
} in person that they flee to cyberspace and wait, biting their nails,
} for you to announce yourself.  That's when the flame war starts, and
} all the women begin ripping each other to pieces, degrading one
} another, and posting pictures of themselves that would embarrass Sharon
} Stone.  This continues until you, the available man, select two or
} three to be your constant love trophies, and parade about in front of
} the other men who thought they were so good-looking, but who now are
} merely green with gut-wrenching envy, and take it out by beating each
} other up.  But for the love of God, let them down easy when you get
} tired of them.  There's nothing I hate to see more than a wasted, used
} up Usenet babe.  They come to me asking questions like, "Ever since Ed
} moved on, all I find are overly muscled, perfect-skinned, wealthy
} bachelors hanging all over me.  Don't they understand that what I
} really care about it what's inside?  Will I ever meet another nerdy yet
} nice guy like Ed on the 'net, or should I just give it up and become a
} lonely, single lingerie model?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a date.  Can you get me one, too?


813-02    (oFwbe dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Testify! Jump back! Kiss myself!
}
} You owe the Oracle the James Brown box set.


813-03    (grAte dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> What color are thine eyes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mine eyes aren't gray, they are not blue,
} Nor any other different hue -
} Not green nor black nor hazel brown
} Not red post-party-in-the-town.
} All-seeing Oracle am I
} But metaphorical my eye
} In fact, (perhaps a slight surprise)
} The Usenet Oracle has no eyes!


813-04    (36qEL dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@pobox.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh wise and groovy Oracle, who knows all sorts of neat stuff,
>
> If you're the Oracle who knows all, is there also an Opticle who sees
> all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, in fact there's a whole tribe of us.  No wonder Mt. Olympus feels
} a little crowded at times..
}
} The Oracle - Knows all there is in the world.
} The Opticle - Sees all there is in the world
} The Auricle - Hears all there is in the world.
} The Follicle - Has all the hair in the world.
} The Metrical - Owner of all centimetres, litres, and hectares in the
}   world
} The Sphericle - Makes the world go 'round
} The Imbecile - Keeps asking me about Woodchucks.
} The Popsicle - A sweet fellow, but so cold-hearted..
} The Hypotheticle - What would you do if such a person existed?
} The Rhetoricle -  A Grandiloquent chap - prone to using fancy words
} The Bicycle - Loves to travel
} The Particle - Not a terribly big person.
} The Barnacle - Nice guy, but so hard to get rid of...
} The Politicle - Lies a lot, has a fondness for kissing babies
} The Practicle - Always makes the best out of a bad situation
} The Biblicle - Tends to knock on your door early Sunday morning
} The Cuticle - Nice fingernails
} The Manacle - Doesn't like to let you go
} The Typicle - He's just the kind of guy you'd expect.
} The Magicle - Has a fondness for rabbits.  Keeps disappearing in puffs
}   of smoke.
} The Article - Writes an awful lot.
} The Ventricle - This fellow has a good heart.
} The Criticle - Never thinks anyone can do anything right.
} The Wrinkle - Really showing his age these days.
} The Carbuncle - He's a pain to be with.
} The Monocle - Has a one-eyed view on the world.
} The Medicle - Always concerned for your health.
}
} You owe the Oracle net.access for all of the above - wouldn't it make
} life just so much easier?


813-05    (fpDy9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Arrrg matey!
> Couldst thou bestow upon me a few words of wisdom?
> What helpless shore shall I pillage next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} now, now, Mr. Turner. take off that pirate's hat and get rid of the
} parrot. you'll own Nickelodion and HBO soon enough.
}
} you owe the oracle Jane Fonda walking the plank.


813-06    (2fuEz dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, help me, help me, help me....
>
> I have been afflicted by the most terrible disease known to mankind...
>
> COMEDY HAIR.
>
> Yes, it's gone apeshit this morning.  Some diseases just spring
> themselves on you without warning, and Comedy Hair is definitely one
> of them.  There are no precautions you can take.
>
> I got up this morning as normal, washed my hair as normal, combed
> it as normal.  Yet by the time I got to work (as normal) my hair was
> sticking up in sixteen different directions, the parting was halfway
> down the wrong side of my head and it had all gone curly at the back.
>
> Tell me, O mighty, omniscient Oracle, what can I do??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Poor supplicant!  Comedy hair is only part of your problem.  I've
} rewound your life for the past year (yes, that's what that was) and
} have listed some things that have conspired to cause you grief:
}
} 1. Get rid of the convertible.
}
} 2. I know you enjoy your work, but you must stop break dancing
}    when you arrive each morning.
}
} 3. After you comb the wig, don't stuff it in your pocket!
}
} 4. You didn't realize it, but this past March you had the Medusa
}    Syndrome. The stone statues should have been a clue.
}
} 5. Stop stuffing bread in your mouth and sticking your fingers in
}    the toaster. That's not how to make toast.
}
} 6. In June you had lice.  Big lice.  Big hyperactive lice.
}    Fortunately, the finger-in-the-toaster routine did the trick.
}
} 7. I know you're combing it "as normal", but try using a comb.  Your
}    hand and fingers may look like a comb, but trust me . . .
}
} 8. You have Hair 95 and it acts up periodically.  Hold down your left
}    earlobe and right eyebrow at the same time and hit the DELETE key.
}    If that doesn't work, cycle power on yourself.
}
} 9. In August you caught a Buckwheat Germ. <O-TAY!>  Try some Alfalfa
}    sprouts and wash your hands.
}
} 10. Get used to Marilyn's father - I know those bolts in his neck are
}     strange and the scar on his forehead is hideous, but if you keep
}     getting upset each time you pick her up, this is going to happen.
}
} 11. Stop going on TV and saying "I'm not just the president of Hair
}     Club for Supplicants . . ."  You're jinxing yourself.
}
} 12. Each strand of hair is experiencing a slightly different time
}     dilation. Reroute the backup EPS conduit through the warp matrix.
}     If you time it just right, you'll slingshot all your follicles into
}     the same dimension!  But be careful, just one femtosecond early or
}     late . . . well, let's not think about that.
}
} 13. Your head is in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.  Use
}     the wizard word!
}
} You owe the Oracle a giant tub of that hair cream . . . a little dab'l
} do ya'!


813-07    (9sAyf dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is ftp.cdrom.com always unreachable?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 530-Sorry, the current infinite limit of anonymous supplicants has been
} reached.
} 530-Please try again in a few aeons.
} 530-
} 530-User anonymous access denied
} Enlightenment failed
}
} This time, you owe the Oracle nothing.


813-08    (8gKDd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me if it will stop raining again in spain

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TO acertain the answer, we must go to Jane, who lives on the plain of
} Spain and watches the rain.
}
} "Jane, with your weather vane, tell me about the rain; is it starting
} to be a pain?"
}
}       "Ah, Orrie, the reign of the rain here on the plain of Spain
}       is plainly becoming a pain. We work in vain to retrain the
}       rain and remain sane, but the rain refuses to wane; it's
}       plain that it is our eternal bane."
}
} "Oh. That's too bad. *pauses* Bummer."
}
} You owe the Oracle a new rhyming dictionary and a copy of "My Fair
} Lady."


813-09    (8uCAa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greatest Oracle, I have a question for your fearful omniscience:
>
> I am in love with a woman, but do not know if she feels the same way
> for me.  Please tell me if this is an acceptable substitute for
> picking daisy petals:
>
> #include <stdio.h>
> #include <stdlib.h>
> #include <time.h>
>
> void main()
> {
>   randomize();
>   if (rand()%2)
>     printf("She loves me!\n");
>   else
>     printf("She loves me not.\n");
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} not bad, but it can be optimized to:
}
} #include <stdio.h>
} #include <stdlib.h>
}
} void man()
} {
}   printf("She loves me not.\n");
} }
}
} You owe the Oracle at least one daisy
} with an odd number of petals.


813-10    (afjIy dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could warp speed ever be achieved?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dammit, supplicant! I'm a soothsayer, not an engineer!


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