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Internet Oracularities #814

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814, 814-01, 814-02, 814-03, 814-04, 814-05, 814-06, 814-07, 814-08, 814-09, 814-10


Usenet Oracularities #814    (113 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 6 Feb 1996 09:18:27 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   814
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

814  113 votes 2fqCw arqxh 2nHwd qumr8 ajJof xCo99 8lezz 7vAw7 fAow6 3mzrq
814   3.1 mean  3.7   3.2   3.3   2.7   3.1   2.3   3.6   3.0   2.8   3.5


814-01    (2fqCw dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh exalted dean of all wisdom, whose office hours are eternal, who has
> an entire priesthood begging to grade papers, and who _never_ gets in
> trouble for accepting sexual favors in exchange for grades, hear this
> lowly, half-baked, not-quite-tenured professor.
>
> As a monument to your greatness, I have made for myself an office on
> the tenth floor of one of the most hallowed halls at my university.  My
> door is open to students, and the wise and foolish alike flock to my
> office in the sky.  Some of them come in search of truth.  That's okay.
> I tell them the truth, and if I don't know, I make something up to
> save you the trouble.  If I can't make something up, it is only then
> that I refer them to Your Busyness.
>
> Some of them come in search of better grades.  If they wear clothes
> that highlight an attractive figure, that's okay too.
>
> But then there's the rest.  Wasting my time with foolish questions.
> Coming to my office in the sky, plopping themselves in front of my desk
> to get me to sign a petition.  Asking for letters of recommendation
> (*as if* last night... ahem!).  Telling me what will happen if I don't
> change my mind about Jesus.  Not to mention the woodchucks in my class.
>
> These folks are an annoyance to anyone who doesn't have a staff of ZOT
> handy.  University policy says I can't open the window of my office in
> the sky and toss them out.  I can't threaten them with failing marks
> because this is a private university, and I have to get permission from
> the President to give anyone a grade lower than a B+.
>
> Most wise oracle, you use your staff of ZOT only as a convenience, and
> you are surely clever enough to eliminate annoying supplicants even if
> you could not fry them.  Teach me your ways, so I can use my office
> hours for productive research on the hemlines of my graduate
> assistants.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you have problems with annoying people wasting your time?  Would you
} rather be paying attention to beautiful woman than losers with stupid
} questions? Isn't there a better way to offer consulting services?
}
} NOW THERE IS!!!!
}
} Now you too can own a -=> Staff Of *ZOT* (tm) <=- just like the one the
} Usenet Oracle uses!  Feel the power as your supplicants grovel before
} you to improve the chance of them surviving!  With your own -=> Staff
} Of *ZOT* (tm) <=- only those with meaningful and important questions
} will dare approach you.  The -=> Staff Of *ZOT* (tm) <=- has many
} useful settings! From 'Vaporize' to 'Hot Foot' to 'Roast in own body
} fat', plus *many* *many* more!
}
} How much would you pay for this kind of power? $30.00? $40.00? $50.00?
}
} Don't answer yet! There's More!
}
} Along with your -=> Staff Of *ZOT* (tm) <=- You will receive ABSOLUTELY
} FREE, a rechargeable Dustbuster (tm)!  The Dustbuster makes cleaning
} ashes out of your carpeting a snap!
}
} How much would you pay now? $75.00? But Wait! There's still more!
}
} If you are one of the first one thousand people to order your very own
} -> Staff Of *ZOT* (tm) <=- you will also receive an official copy of
} the book "Cooking With the -=> Staff Of *ZOT* (tm) <=-" which contains
} 500 easy to follow recipes. If you thought the microwave was fast, just
} wait until you try the Power Of *ZOT* (tm)!
}
} You get the -=> Staff Of *ZOT* (tm) <=-, rechargeable Dustbuster, and
} marvelous cookbook for one low price!
}
} How Low? $100.00? $200.00? Are you kidding?
}
} The -=> Staff Of *ZOT* (tm) <=- is available for six easy payments of
} $125,000! (U.S. funds only)
}
} Supplies are limited! Order Today! (No C.O.D's Please!)
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of batteries (not included).


814-02    (arqxh dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful and wise oracle, whose powers are so mighty,
> please tell me:
> How come they call a driveway a driveway when you park on it, and a
> parkway a parkway when you drive on it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, grovels these days are starting to get kind of annoying.
} I mean, with "wonderful and wise", you're spot on, if a little
} understated, but "whose powers are so mighty"???
}
} I'm an Oracle, not a God!  I'm Omniscient, not Omnnipotent!
}
} My contract specifically states that as long as I answer questions
} posed by you mortals, I shall be granted Omniscience and Immortality.
} If only they'd granted the Omniscience before I'd signed on.
} Sheesh.  I mean, talk about your fine print!
}
} You'd think that with immortality might come eternal youth, right?
} I did.  Big mistake!  I mean, I'm 87 thousand years old, and I look
} and feel like it.
}
} Can you imagine what my arthritis feels like???
} (Note: that was a rhetorical question.  Obviously, I know the answer:
} that your puny brain is incomprehensible of imagining such pain).
}
} "Powers?"  Ha!  I mean, 87 thousand years ago, right after I took this
} job, I knew that, today, I'd be sitting here, in sub-zero Indiana,
} complaining about my arthritis, right after going through a streak of
} 14 consecutive w**dch*ck questions, but did I have the power to change
} anything?
}
} Let me explain something to you.  You see, in nature, knowledge and
} power are opposites.  The more you have of one, the less you can have
} of the other.  (Yes this is similar to the way your brilliant
} scientists and engineers are all managed by idiots.  Stop
} interrupting).  The powerful gods that you mortals worship are some
} of the most idiotic beings in the universe.
}
} I mean, I mean, you're wondering how I manage to ZOT all those people
} who ask the unaskable, when I have no powers.  I just tell Zeus that
} his wife is in love with them.  And he always believes me!  He's so
} jealous that if I told him that his wife loved him, he'd kill himself.
}
} Enough ranting for now.  On to your question:
}
} > How come they call a driveway a driveway when you park on it, and a
} > parkway a parkway when you drive on it?
}
} Even in your feeble mind, the light of understanding is starting to
} glimmer.
}
} Yes, the people who created the nouns like "driveway" and "parkway",
} were very powerful, as they would influence the ways in which
} millions of people think, just by choosing the words.
}
} Hence, they were idiots.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's supply of pain-killers.


814-03    (2nHwd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Why does a cat have nine lives???????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because, as aristocratic as cats present themselves to be (the only way
} you can be assured to grab one's attention is to sound the can opener),
} they aren't overly bright.  Here is a sampling from one tabby's group
} of lives (it is presently residing somewhere in California, enjoying
} old-age in its 9th life with large amounts of sunbathing):
}
} (Life number spent in parentheses)
}
} (1) -- As a kitten, frequently attempted to chase neighbour's pitbull
} up a tree.  Result:  an overhelming fear of dogs and a slight
} concussion.  Now prefers to chase itself up a tree.
}
} (2) -- Attempted to use live power cord to hook that goldfish once and
} for all.  Result:  goldfish still alive (but God was only kind enough
} to grant goldfish 4 lives and that's a different story altogether).
}
} (3) -- Ran into sliding patio door at full sprint after owner cleaned
} the glass.
}
} (4) -- While leaping up to a window sill, learned a split second too
} late that the owner had opened up the window to allow some air inside
} the house. Result: cat flies out of house onto outside driveway.
} Learned that cats don't always land on their feet in panic situations.
} Plus, gained a phobia of all doors and window sills.
}
} (5) -- Attempted to invent "cat paddling" in a swimming pool.  Result:
} now leaves paddling for the dogs to do.
}
} (6) -- Second lesson about electricity when it nibbled something
} particularly enticing on the owner's Christmas tree.
}
} (7) -- Learned never to confuse the tablecloth in the kitchen with a
} scratcpost.  Result:  owner had to buy new dinnerware to replace the
} broken ones that were on the table in this incident.
}
} (8) -- Learned that sleeping on big screen TVs can be hazardous to
} one's feline self (you may have seen on one episode of "America's
} Funniest Home Videos" a videoclip of a cat falling off a TV set -- this
} was the cat). Result:  owner is $10,000 richer for having the funniest
} home video of the week.
}
} (9) -- Still living this one... .
}
} You owe the Oracle some kitty litter.  Bulk.


814-04    (qumr8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    O abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz Oracle, whose praises span the
> alphabet, please tell me...
>
>    What have we done to deserve "Sesame Street?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'd prefer a kangaroo, a bunny rabbit, a moose, and a color blind
} farmer?


814-05    (ajJof dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most high
> please listen to this lowly
> supplicant's query.
>
> While not at a loss
> for words, I simply cannot
> write like others do.
>
> My first line has five
> syllables, second seven,
> and the third, too, five.
>
> They keep stressing rhyme,
> iambic pentameter,
> and say I write prose.
>
> Poetry to them:
> always lines ending alike,
> other ways uknown.
>
> Poetry to me:
> rythm across the tongue, and
> opposing ideas.
>
> Why do they guffaw
> misunderstanding my works
> penned seriously?
>
> Oh what must I do
> to be seen as a poet
> by these blind critics?
>
> I await your light,
> piercing though the shadows which
> have befallen me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish supplicant
} Faithfully fills out a form
} Bureaucrat rigor
}
} Wise, ancient poets
} Serene and afire with life
} Silent, composing
}
} No pen in the hand
} Put your soul on the paper
} Then trace it with ink.
}
} For sagest advice
} The Oracle charges you
} To learn Japanese


814-06    (xCo99 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> At what resolution are most images on Web Pages?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The resolution of industry/inferiority (Ericson)


814-07    (8lezz dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you tired of answering the same lame questions? Tired of the
> Oracle's priests ignoring your thoughtful and hilarious answers? Don't
> you wish your oraclarities were all the rage on rec.humor.oracle.d?
>
> THIS QUESTION CAN HELP!
>
> Simply ignore this question for 24 hours so it gets passed on to the
> next incarnation. IT'S AS EASY AS THAT! Your supplicants will start to
> grovel! They will ask enlightening question! You are GUARANTEED to make
> the Digest within a week!
>
> This question was asked by Brian Smyth on August 23, 1992. It has
> traveled around the world 15 times without being answered!
>
> Jill Forman of St. Paul, MN, read this question and let it pass on to
> the next incarnation. She now has made the Best Of Usenet Oraclaries 12
> times to date!
>
> DON'T BREAK THE CYCLE!
>
> An incarnation in Miami, FL, received a similar question on November
> 12, 1993. He didn't follow the directions and sent a reply to the
> question. Now he spends all day answering questions about lemurs and
> has NEVER ever made it into the Oraclarities Digest!
>
> THIS IS NOT A CHAIN LETTER!
>
> Bill Zimmerman of Seattle, WA, not only made the Digest after not
> answering this letter, but HE IS NOW DATING LISA!
>
> Jack Donnaldson of Salt Lake City, UT, not only didn't answer this
> question, but mailed in a couple more copies as questions. He is now a
> member of the Orcacle Priesthood!
>
> YOU DON'T NEED TO SEND ANY MONEY!
>
> Remember! Do not respond to this letter and all your problems will be
> solved!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Sigh* Now I'll have to update my kill-files _again_.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to get into the digest, guaranteed.


814-08    (7vAw7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@pobox.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most grand exalted oracle, oh you who's lowest thoughts are
> astounding knowledge, who is the ultimate of ultimates,
> supreme of sumprmes, sings better than diana ross, and grand exalted
> keeper of knowledge so high that we mortals are incapable of grasping
> it, i prostrate before you to ask one simple question, one that
> i hope is deamed worthy by you as a good question,
>
>       is humility REALLY the one true path to happiness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humility can bring you happiness but this is a long, arduous road
} you are embarking on.
}
} However, in the future, none of this will be necessary.  We are
} working on a brand of piety 32% more humble than the next brand.
} Through consultations with Benedictine monks and Mother Theresa, we
} have managed to distill commonplace humility and pass the savings on
} to you.
}
} Furthermore, we are developing technologies that will allow you to
} circumvent the old, outmoded method of demonstrating your humility
} in the usual manner.  For just pennies more than you're paying now,
} you will be able to live an extravagant lifestyle, yet you will be
} able to beam your humility directly to the heavens.
}
} Have you ever felt one with the universe, communed with the spirits,
} and experienced all the joy of human existence?
}
} You will.
}
} *brought to you from AT&T*


814-09    (fAow6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle--
>         Can nothing be something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Non nihil ex nihilo, you mean?  The reification of zero?  Negatory.
} Nothing, nohow.  There ain't nuttin' like that, and I know.  I've seen
} it.


814-10    (3mzrq dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what is the legendary Stonehenge used for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Doh! Thanks for reminding me!
}
} My mother always got mad when I'd forget to put my blocks away when I
} was done playing with them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a HUGE set of Legos (tm).


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