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Internet Oracularities #815

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815, 815-01, 815-02, 815-03, 815-04, 815-05, 815-06, 815-07, 815-08, 815-09, 815-10


Usenet Oracularities #815    (116 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 9 Feb 1996 11:06:24 -0500 (EST)

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   815
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

815  116 votes 6lErm xxnj8 7juyq 8hkHs crAx8 7kAwl dnxxe 6btGs clAsj bqCub
815   3.2 mean  3.3   2.4   3.5   3.6   3.0   3.3   3.1   3.6   3.2   3.0


815-01    (6lErm dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise Oracle, thou whose magnificent healing powers can cure even the
> massive inferiority complex that puny mortals get when they compare
> themselves to thou, please hear this truly pathetic question, and
> perchance, to answer.
>
> Oracle, why is the word 'therapist' made up of 'the' and 'rapist'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I guess you've never seen your wallet after an hour session.
}
} You owe the Oracle an unlimited bank account.


815-02    (xxnj8 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please be sure your question is in the form of a question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question.


815-03    (7juyq dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    You walk down a hallway, towards the boudoir, mesmerized by that
> heady, exotic aroma you identify with her, the object of your desires.
>
>    You open the door.  There, lounging on the bed in a skimpy negligee,
> she waits.  The light plays about her form, teasingly.  "Come here,"
> she beckons.  "I've got a surprise for you, hon."
>
>    You close the door behind you, unbuttoning your shirt as you
> approach. You pre--
>
>    SLAM!!  The door splinters open behind you, and two jackbooted thugs
> with AK-47s and "CDA" helmets burst onto the scene.
>
>    "Trying to peddle your smut on the Internet, eh?" the taller one
> sneers. "We've got your number now!  Heh heh heh..."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Supplicant, stay calm. You see the one on the left? Well he's not
} quite as confident about this as he looks - notice the nervous
} glances over his shoulder? The jerky body movements? This man is
} unsure about himself, his abilities, and the legality of the
} situation. Chances are they've failed to clear the paper-work before
} coming round (after all would you fill out form no. IP100324/295a
} rev2.1.c "Confiscation Of Equipment Suspected Of Holding Encoded
} Pornography - Warrant" or crack out the AK-47's and kick down
} doors?). It's a fairly sure thing that the papers aren't filled out.
} Shoot you now and it's murder (technically). You've got to keep calm
} and watch the situation. Wait for the guy on the left to turn
} slightly toward his partner, just enough for the muzzle of his gun to
} be off you. Pick up that half-cup of cold coffee with the fuzz
} growing on it from beside the monitor (carefully, they're nervous as
} it is remember). Wait for your moment and fling the scrofulous
} contents into the face of the guy on the right. This is when you've
} got to be ready to move, and I mean MOVE. Bring your left shoulder
} down and charge the guy on the left, try to make contact between your
} left shoulder and the guys breast-bone. This should knock him over,
} unbalance him or even crack said breastbone if you got it right. Grab
} the AK-47 from behind him and waste his son-of-a-bitch partner while
} using nervous bloke as a shield. Waste the nervous bloke (you should
} have disarmed him by now). Waste the woman (who was she anyway?) -
} too many witnesses already. Right, time is of the essence -
} disconnect your PC's peripherals, they're cheap and can be replaced.
} Find a bag and shove the desktop box into it. Think man think!
} Where's your driving licence? Library ticket? Video rental card?
} You've got about ten minutes to collect all your major forms of ID
} and get the hell out of there. You won't be back for a while, and the
} cops are probably en-route even as I type this. Head for the Lincoln
} memorial (use the overnight Greyhound - I don't trust trains). Be
} there by ten tomorrow morning and look out for a guy selling Fake Dog-
} Turds. Ask to buy five "for my mothers birthday". The words are
} important. His name's Bernard - he'll get you out of the country.
} Good luck and viva la resistance!
}
} You owe the Oracle some fuzzy coffee.


815-04    (8hkHs dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many apples would Bill Gates chuck if Bill Gates
> could chuck apples?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 655,360. Because 640K ought to be enough for anybody.


815-05    (crAx8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, Pluto is a dog, but what is Goofy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. Rush Limbaugh in a speedo brief
} 2. All the Connie Chung look-alikes doing news
} 3. OJ on CNN
} 4. Running naked through the rain wearing one red and one yellow
}    rubber boot
} 5. Asking the Oracle to take a break from beer, chips, and
}    Superbowl reruns to answer goofy questions


815-06    (7kAwl dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who is truly a blithe spirit,
>
> I was reading Percy Bysshe Shelley's "The Mask of Anarchy," which is
> about the August 16, 1819, police brutality incident at St. Peter's
> Field, Manchester.  The third-to-last stanza is:
>
>               And that slaughter to the nation
>               Shall steam up like inspiration,
>               Eloquent, oracular --
>               A volcano heard afar.
>
> I couldn't help but notice the word "oracular" in there.  What's up
> with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I wish that little episode could be forgotton.  Bother
} that Shelley character.
}
} I'm afraid I had a (minor) hand in that confrontation.  It
} wasn't my fault, though, honest.  You see, the police
} lieutenant had got wind of some impending domestic disorder,
} and he asked me for my advice on the situation.  I told
} him, of course (in the language common at the time) to
} "stay the unrestful hands".
}
} Unfortunately, just as I set out to write out my answer to
} this gentle supplicant (bear in mind that this was before
} the advent of computers), I heard the next supplicant in line
} rehearsing his question:  "How much wood..."  you know the
} one.  And in my sudden extreme irritation, I neglected to
} cross one of my t's.  The police took my advice seriously,
} for which I suppose I can't really fault them, and the
} unrestful hands were slain forthwith.
}
} You owe the Oracle that supplicant's head on a platter.


815-07    (dnxxe dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, who drives the coolest cars and who never gives
> the finger when cut off in traffic,  I need a REAL quick answer
> to this problem.
>
> I'm currently sitting in the left turn lane at the corner of
> Higgins and Mannheim.  The left turn arrow has just come on
> but there is a squirrel right in front of my car.  Should I
> wait until he gets out of the way risking the wrath of the,
> oh, 15 or so cars behind me or should I just turn the little
> bugger into road pizza in the name of traffic flow?
>
> Please hurry.  I think I have about 15 milliseconds until the
> guy behind me starts leaning on his horn.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have reached the useanet oracle, providing answers for 2 millenia!
} If you wish to subscribe to the oracle newsletter press 18373634 now
} if you wish to ask a question push 84736475867363746657 in exaclty 3.65
} seconds if you want to complain about an answer wait for the dial tone
} if you want to ask the woodchuck question press 666 then wait for the
} ZOT if you need to talk to the oracle in person, he is on lunch break
} right now and will be back in fifteen minutes, please hold on.
}       (cheasy music plays)


815-08    (6btGs dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@oeonline.com (Otis Viles)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and powerful Oracle, please let it be known the answer to
> this question:
>
> Is the Dark Side stronger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but the Far Side is funnier.


815-09    (clAsj dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most sage,
>
> How can I deal with the pain of divorce and the separation from
> my children?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get a knit stocking cap, a black sweatsuit, and a pair of $150 gloves.
} Put your passport, a fake beard, a shovel, and $10,000 in the Bronco.
} Call a limo to take you to the airport.  Wait a minute.  Didn't I
} give you this advice almost TWO YEARS ago?  What's the problem?
}
} You owe the Oracle a treatise entitled, "How the pampering of athletes
} in America severely distorts their sense of responsibility," and if
} you want me to leave you alone, LEAVE ME ALONE!


815-10    (bqCub dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is better, cake or pie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Choosing between cake and pie can be a difficult decision indeed.  We
} will have to look at the features available in each so you can decide
} which is better for you.
}
} Both come with a wide range of installation packages, ranging from easy
} starting kits, to the do it all yourself 'scratch' method.
}
} Both will work with your existing hardware.  You will not need to
} upgrade your spoon or your bowl.
}
} Although pie is a strong contender in the Thanksgiving market, it
} doesn't even compete with cake when it comes to birthdays.
}
} Cake has an interesting 'cupcake' option you might like.
}
} Most cake systems require the use of 'frosting', which has to be
} assembled separately.
}
} Cake is simple, but nothing is supposed to be easier than pie.
}
} Now that you have all the facts, you can make an informed decision. The
} Oracle personally suggests you learn both systems, since they are both
} quite useful.
}
} You owe the oracle an electric mixer.


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