[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 17:58:44 GMT

Internet Oracularities #816

Goto:
816, 816-01, 816-02, 816-03, 816-04, 816-05, 816-06, 816-07, 816-08, 816-09, 816-10


Usenet Oracularities #816    (119 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 13 Feb 1996 11:55:37 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   816
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

816  119 votes hFts4 aAOk3 eGCl4 dvvsg 6gyFm enzyd 4eqyF 5bLIc bsxpm 8kGpo
816   3.1 mean  2.7   2.7   2.7   3.0   3.5   3.1   3.8   3.4   3.2   3.3


816-01    (hFts4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        why do people stare at me strange when I carry a moose in my
>        pocket?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They try to stare at you normally, but it's kind of tough to pull off.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Swiss pocket woodchuck.


816-02    (aAOk3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Chemically Adept Oracle,
>
> I have Pseudophedrine Hydrochloride (60mg,) Doxylamine Succinate
> (12.5mg*,) Dextromethorpan Hydrobromide (30mg,) Acetaminophen (1000mg,)
> and FD&C Yellow No. 6, but it's green, not yellow.  What do I do with
> it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy. Market it as 'Apple Fresh' rather than 'Lemon Fresh', and sue
} FD&C for breach of contract.
}
} You owe the Oracle some FD&C chartreuse.  It's probably yellow.


816-03    (eGCl4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how can i find a stock quote

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usually, I just remember them, but if it's early morning and I haven't
} yet had My second cup of coffee, a good source is Bartlett's Familiar
} Quotations.
}
} You owe The Oracle a quote of "Requiem" by Robert Louis Stevenson.
} Heh, heh.  Just TRY to find that one.


816-04    (dvvsg dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...all right, now all opposed:
}
} N   N   A   Y   Y  !
} NN  N  A A  Y   Y  !
} N N N AAAAA  YYY   !
} N  NN A   A   Y
} N   N A   A   Y    !
}
} The motion is rejected.  Thank you for participating in the
} Oracular Referendum on Content Censorship on the Internet.
}
} All I ask in payment is that you find out how your congressman
} voted on this and then remember that next November.


816-05    (6gyFm dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> please tell me why America can't appologise from Japan for the atomic
> strike which resulted the death of 300,000 civilans when it can compell
> Japanese to applogise from Koreans for the barbrism they did in korean
> war.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, supplicant, I agree with you completely.  A sincere "I'm sorry
} and it'll never happen again, honest" is entirely in order on both
} parts.  But allow me to point out that there are many other cases in
} the annals of history even more deserving of such expressions of
} remorse.
}
} * The U.S. owes the Indian nations several large floral arrangements
} (I'm talking the $250 jobs here).
}
} * I'd like to see the Angles, the Saxons, and the Jutes all pitch in
} for a nice set of towels to make up for invading the land of the
} Britons.
}
} * Still outstanding on the books is the first instance of man's
} inhumanity to man (Ogg vs. Throg; 453,282 BC) and I am sure everyone
} would like to see an equitable cash settlement in this case.
}
} * Need I mention the matter of Prometheus' theft of fire from the
} Olympic gods?  Yes, I know that he did personally serve time for his
} crime (chained to cliff, liver ripped out by vultures, etc.), but I
} know that Zeus would still appreciate an official statement of regret
} from a representative of all mortals.  Plus, of course, a return of the
} "gift" of fire forthwith.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Whitman's chocolates, by Wednesday at the
} latest.  And could you include a card reading "To Lisa, from
} snugglebunnies"?


816-06    (enzyd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>  please tell me if the communist party will win the next political
> elections in Italy
>
> M. D'Alema

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant, no one wins in an election in Italy.  Like the
} French, they simply wait to surrender to the next invader.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Lambourgini.


816-07    (4eqyF dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and scrumptious, please explain
> a minor mystery to this humble supplicant who kneels
> before you.
>
> When people are speaking of some task which is
> incredibly easy, they call it a "piece of cake".
> Why, then, is it so difficult to bake a cake and
> get it to come out right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The mistake you are making is a simple one; the correct usage is not
} "piece of cake" at all, but "picocake", wherein the "cake" is the SI
} unit of "ease of pilfering".  Naturally, the "pico-" prefix refers to a
} larceny one-trillionth the size of this--thus, a very _easy_ job
} indeed.
}
} Here is a list of Standard Reference Rip-Offs which have been
} established by the American Burglarilogical Society:
}
}  PICOCAKE  Taking candy from a baby (sleeping).
}  NANOCAKE  Slipping a half-dozen sugar packets from a restaurant into
}               your pocket.
} MICROCAKE  Switching price tags to buy two tubes of toothpaste for the
}               price of one.
} MILLICAKE  Nabbing a neighbor's Playboy out of his mailbox before he
}               knows it's been delivered.
}      CAKE  Filching a cake which has been left on an open windowsill
}               to cool.
}  KILOCAKE  Shoplifting a pound of Limburger cheese, getting away on the
}               subway, undetected.
}  MEGACAKE  Using stolen credit card information to purchase a
}               sportscar which you take on a week-long Florida vacation
}               spree.
}  GIGACAKE  Ransacking a nuclear weapons arsenal for a warhead _and_
}               smuggling it to Cuba by disguising it as a large bologna.
}  TERACAKE  Taking candy from a baby (awake).
}
} You owe the Oracle a cake with a hacksaw baked inside.


816-08    (5bLIc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. or Mrs. T.U.Oracle
>
> I would like to submit a complaint to your advise service.  I asked you
> about an important interview which could change my entire life, and I
> got a reply with a recipe for your special bean soup.  Thanks to your
> lack of organization, I lost the opportunity of a life time.
>
> I would appreciate your immediate attention to this matter.
>
> P.S. Try adding a little ground beef to your bean soup, it makes a most
> delicous new soup.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is a very interesting question supplicant, and it's funny that you
} should ask it at this time because as of 10 PM, last Thursday, the
} universe that you live in suddenly stopped expanding and started
} contracting. The upshot of this is that time (and the natural order of
} things) has reversed. So, from now on I give answers and *then* you ask
} questions. Take for example a short series of questions and answers
} between this Oracle and a supplicant (this has been shortened for the
} sake of simplicity)
}
}         Supplicant Question: >What's the highest peak in Africa?
} T  |          Oracle Answer: >No chance
} I  |    Supplicant Question: >Can I score a date with Lisa?
} M  |          Oracle Answer: >Argh!! Another woodchuck question!! *ZOT*
} E  |    Supplicant Question: >How much wood would a woodchuck chuck...?
}    v          Oracle Answer: >Please reword that as a question.
}         Supplicant Question: >
}
} ... and so on.
}
} You'll find now that my responses will seem even more erratic and in
} most cases not the slightest bit related to your questions. Don't be
} alarmed by this. All effects of reversed time wear off after the brain
} becomes used to experiencing things backwards.
}
} You owe the Oracle an email addressed to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the
} subject line of "tellme" and in the body write "Oh wonderous Oracle! Do
} you know any good soup recipes?"


816-09    (bsxpm dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Convoluted Oracle, all too often I seem to be asking you questions
> about the process of asking questions of The Usenet Oracle, that is,
> you.  This tends to leave me in a rather untenable situation.  It's
> almost as if I had my proverbial but tiny cranial dome up my
> euphemistic but huge nether cavity.
>
> How can I hope to avoid disappearing into a fat and sloppy singularity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple! Just join the crew of the Enterprize!
} ...
}
} Data: Captain, the scanners are picking up what appears to be a
}       singularity. There is no record of a singularity in this section
}       of space.
}
} Riker: We'd better investigate this, Captain.
}
} Picard: Hmm, yes. It could be the work of this week's guest God Like
}         Alien. Make it so.
}
} <Cut to some character development in which we find out that Worf had>
} <A poodle dog as a child, something all the other klingon kids gave  >
} <him a hard time about. Apparently all his troubles with the Klingon >
} <Empire stem from this, and not the fact that his father might have  >
} <been a traitor.                                                     >
}
} <One commercial break later...                                       >
}
} Data: Apparently this singularity is the natural result of all the plot
}       holes and inconsistancies in our show. Captain, we are caught
}       in its gravitational field and are just barely holding our
}       position now.
}
} Picard: What should we do? Suggestions?
}
} Riker: Should we beam some Red Shirts over to it for some gratuitous
}        violence?
}
} Picard: No, we stopped killing people we introduce you to unless they
}         ask for more money during contract negotiations. So killing
}         off Red Shirts is not an option.
}
} Riker: Damn!
}
} Worf: Perhaps we should attempt to use the ships weapons to destroy the
}       singularity?
}
} Data: That would not work, as a singularity by definition is a single
}       point of space that absorbs anything that falls into it.
}
} Riker: (Asides to Troy) That was a really violent suggestion from a guy
}        who had a poodle dog as a kid.
}
} Picard: Perhaps Councellor Troy could use her telepathic powers to
}         ascertain the feelings of the singularity?
}
} Data: That would not work as a singularity has no intelligence.
}
} Picard: Oh. Rather like the plot of most of our shows.
}
} Riker: (Thinking to himself) Hoo! Do I ever want to get into Councellor
}        Troy's pants! Man is she hot!
}
} Troy: (Thinking to herself) There's now way that loser is going to get
}       into my pants.
}
} Picard: Stop thinking that, you two. This is a family show.
}
} <A comlink feeps>
}
} Engineering: Captain! We've got an emergency down here!
}
} Picard: What is it?
}
} Engineering: There are only five minutes left before the last
}              commercial break!
}
} Picard: Oh my God! Engineering! Get us out of here! Do whatever it
} takes!
}
} <There follows a short scene where the bridge of the Enterprize stays>
} <absolutely stable.                                                  >
}
} Riker: They did it! We've moved away from the singularity!
}
} Picard: And just barely in the nick of time for the last commercial
}         break. Good job everyone!
} ...
}
} You owe the Oracle a completely unpredictable episode of TNG.


816-10    (8kGpo dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <obgrovel.h>
>
> Why do i always get the weird ones?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The weird ones flock to you like silver-winged geese, ripe
} with expectation for the jollities you provide.  Running
} through piles of blue and yellow fried pork chops, they
} laugh and chitter excitedly.  Golden rays of joy permeate
} the room, spinning webs of gossamer which evaporate as soon
} as they touch the mirror.  Smoky green tendrils climb the
} walls, causing vast wonderment at their purpose.  Amid
} all of this, your question pours from your lips, and you
} wait expectantly for the reply that is your due.  A
} feathery crowd rushes up to you, a breeze brushes across
} your face, and the weird ones reply:
}
} "We love you, man!"
}
} You owe the Oracle some colorless green ideas, sleeping
} furiously.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org