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Internet Oracularities #817

Goto:
817, 817-01, 817-02, 817-03, 817-04, 817-05, 817-06, 817-07, 817-08, 817-09, 817-10


Usenet Oracularities #817    (131 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 15 Feb 1996 00:10:37 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   817
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

817  131 votes pDHk4 9lFGi 4gEIr fwzAd iCAta buszr 7uRsd 7kJGh lAzqd 77ABI
817   3.1 mean  2.5   3.3   3.6   3.0   2.8   3.3   3.1   3.3   2.8   3.8


817-01    (pDHk4 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My flatmate has just got Chicken Pox. The last time I was
> spotty my voice went all funny and girls didn't like me.
>
> What should I do to avoid catching it!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need not fear catching chicken pox again. Given the symptoms you've
} described, you're still suffering from the last time you caught it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dozen leeches.


817-02    (9lFGi dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh great wise Usenet Oracle...Who knows what Senator Exon REALLY
> does with his free time on the Internet...
> Please tell me, how will the new Telecommunications law effect me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     I love you, you love me,
}     We're a happy family!
}
} I'm so glad you asked me your wonderful question!  I always
} love it when people ask me questions! There are many happy
} children on the Internet and I am so happy to answer
} their wonderful questions!
}
} You will find that the Computer Decency Act has not
} changed anything on the Internet!
}
} You owe the Oracle a big warm hug and a subscription
} to "Reader's Digest".


817-03    (4gEIr dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Say, buddy... Yeah, you, the all-powerful, all-knowing, so-full-of-
> knowledge-one-would-think-you-were-obese... I have a question.  It's
> simple, really, so you should have no trouble just tossing an answer my
> way.
>
>   Why's my CD player wigging out this morning?  It keeps stopping at
> random intervals.  I hate when that happens.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The FDA (Federal Department of Acoustics) has designed a "music
} pyramid" to help ensure that your CD player is getting a well-balanced
} diet. The diagram looks like this:
}                                      /\
}                                     /  \
}                                    /pop \
}                                   / rap  \
}                                  /hip-hop \
}                                 /folk,metal\
}                                /____________\
}                               / Reggae, ska  \
}                              /  classic rock  \
}                             /__________________\
}                            / oldies   |  Jazz   \
}                           / classical |  blues   \
}                          /____________|___________\
}
} Your CD player's diet should consist primarily of music from the lower
} two areas. Music from the middle area should be played less frequently,
} and music from the top area should be played rarely.
}
} To restore your CD player's health, cut down on music from the top
} area. Remember: an ounce of the Mothers of Invention is worth a pound
} of the Cure.


817-04    (fwzAd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Will the Bulls win seventy games?  Does Dennis Rodman
>         have a penis ring?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                      ** INTERCEPTED BY SEN. EXON **
} Sen. Exon:
} I'm sorry, I can't allow this kind of languge to be used on the net.
} I'm afraid you'll have to come with me.
}
} Suplicant:
} But!  But!  It was a private email!  You can't do this!
}
} Sen. Exon:
} I just did.  This is an anonymous email, the worst kind.
}
} (Oracle hears comotion and checks on it)
} Oracle:
} Whats's going on out here?  Keep it down!
} (Oracle sees Sen. Exon and mumbles)
} *mumbles something about god not creating politicians*
} What brainless senators.  *ZOT*
}
} Ah, a question!  *reads question*
} What brainless suplicants.  *ZOT*
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of Doom with one of the monsters replaced
} with Sen. Exon.


817-05    (iCAta dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, when were you last updated?
> I'm beginning to see a few bugs and design flaws that seriously need
> fixing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those aren't bugs - they're features!
} You owe the Oracle --ERROR! EROOR CODE 1DC8 DADA 55BG 32DE PLEASE
} REPORT THIS FATAL ERROR TO THE ORACLE DEVELOPMENT TEAM AT
} ORACLE@CS.INDIANA.EDU REPEAT A FATAL SYSTEM ERROR HAS OCCURED YOU MUST
} NOW REBOOT AND LOSE ALL THE HOT LOVE NOTES YOU WERE WRITING TO YOUR
} SECRET LUST. IT'S HORRIBLE, WE KNOW. --


817-06    (buszr dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> D00D! WH3RZ TH3 N00D G1F5!?!?!!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!11!!1!!!!111!!!
>
> PL33Z HURRY! I 0NLY HAV3 T3N FR33 H0URZ 0NL1N3!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *The Oracle mutters something under his breath about damn newbies*
}
} Listen, kid.  I don't have the time to help you get nude GIF files to
} drool over, ok?
}
} Geez. Not even a grovel or anything.
}
} *He glances over his shoulder, sighs, and leans forward, whispering
} conspiratorially*
}
} But listen.  I'm feeling nice today.  All you have to do is grab a web
} browser and point it at http://www.prism.gatech.edu/~vaps4dk -- the
} secret word i...
}
} *BOOM*
} *The door gets knocked in*
}
} FBI AGENT> Away from the computer.  AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!  NOW!
}
} Wha... Who...?
}
} FBI AGENT> Hands against wall!  NOW!
}
} Don't you know who I am?  I'm the USENET Oracle!  I'll ZOT you all to
} he --
}
} FBI AGENT> I don't CARE who you are.  It's Communications Decency
} pal... there's a law against pages like that!
}
} But... it's a fake page... there's nothing sexu...
}
} FBI AGENT> Tell it to the JUDGE!  Get out of my sight.  Alright, come
} on, turn all these things off.  NOW!
}
} *The agent reaches for the plug at the wall*
}
} Wait!  No!  Don't!  It's just a big misunderstan@HE)@*@9u3(@#(!*!
} (*&WE(@
}
} Connection closed by foreign host.
}
} You owe the oracle a first amendment.


817-07    (7uRsd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Howdy Hi!
>
> Can you tell me the way to the bathroom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Down the hall and to your right; it's the door that says, "Bathroom".
} (The Truth in Advertising Act at work.)
}
} I'll overlook your unseemly haste -- and the omission of a grovel --
} in view of the way you're pressing your legs together.
}
} You owe the Oracle... Nah. Forget it.  Just put the seat down.


817-08    (7kJGh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, what's a <<<<CENSORED>>>>?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A <<<<CENSORED>>>> is a kind of <<<<CENSORED>>>> which a lot of
} animals/mammals etcetera have. They are not gender specific, so men and
} women both have a <<<<CENSORED>>>>. <<<<CENSORED>>>> also happens to be
} one of the "Seven dirty words" which are banned in most transmissions
} (except autos and fluids). The other six are <<<<CENSORED>>>>,
} <<<<CENSORED>>>>, <<<<CENSORED>>>>, <<<<CENSORED>>>>, <<<<CENSORED>>>>,
} and finally <<<<CENSORED>>>> which isn't really all that bad, but is
} impolite to use at parties.
}
} You owe the Oracle one <<<<CENSORED>>>> of your <<<<CENSORED>>>>.


817-09    (lAzqd dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whose is the most delicious sh*t to be eaten instead of the X-mas
> turkey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That of any Republican Presidential candidate. They are aware of this
} fact, and that's why they dish up heaping portions to the American
} people, via their TV sets, every hour on the hour or even more often in
} you live in New Hampshire. Each candidate wants the people to pick his
} sh*t over that of any other candidate, and that's why they all run
} negative ads expounding on the sh*ttiness of the other candidates' sh*t
} and glorifying their own. In reality, they are really all the same. Any
} way you slice it, it's still sh*t.
}
} You owe the Oracle an exemption from the Communications Decency Act.


817-10    (77ABI dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a new user - test run - how do I get to the web browser?  I click
> "web" and it takes me to a statement about the protest and then some
> suggestions but i do not see how to actually initiate a search.  Thanks
> Also - can I use netscape along with pipeline?  I tried and got a
> "check winsock" and "connect first" message.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think I know from where your problems stem.
} Would you, could you, RTFM?
}
}   I would not, could not, RTFM
}   I want *YOU* to solve my problem.
}
} Could you read the docs online?
} Would you read them any time?
}
}   I would not read the docs online,
}   Without them I can do just fine.
}
} Would you read a FAQ or HOWTO?
} Is this something you could do?
}
}   I could not read a FAQ or HOWTO.
}   Even the thought makes me spew.
}
} What could I suggest next?
} Would you read it in HyperText?
}
}   I would not read help in hypertext,
}   For the problem with which I am vexed.
}
} How about if you could read it through
} A conveniently placed system menu?
}
}   I will not access help from a menu.
}   That stuff is a bunch of ballyhoo!
}
} How much simpler could this be?
} Did you try the help hotkey?
}
}   I'll try not a help hotkey,
}   To that I will never agree!
}
}   I would not, could not RTFM.
}   I want *you* to solve my problem!
}
} Since you will not RTFM,
} You I must now condemn
}
} To a life without working software,
} And a constant feeling of despair.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book by Dr. Suess,
} Or maybe something by Mother Goose.


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