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Internet Oracularities #818

Goto:
818, 818-01, 818-02, 818-03, 818-04, 818-05, 818-06, 818-07, 818-08, 818-09, 818-10


Usenet Oracularities #818    (122 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 21 Feb 1996 12:26:41 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   818
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

818  122 votes gyAt7 bxDta hrCpf 8vvFb frzA9 3lMzf rHvc9 lzCn5 alsGl sAqp7
818   2.9 mean  2.8   3.0   3.0   3.1   3.0   3.3   2.5   2.6   3.4   2.6


818-01    (gyAt7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle!
>
> Dear Oracle! I wonder: where does the phrase "false as water" origin
> from?
>
> From Leo in Sweden

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Have we any water?" asked Boole.
} "We have not water," was the reply.
} "We have not water is true," stated Boole.
} "Not water is true," they said.
} "Thus water is false."
}
} If not water then you owe the Oracle ((Windows '95, Mr. Spock,
} woodchuck) XOR (woodchuck, Windows '95)).


818-02    (bxDta dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest most transdimensionally transcendental Oracle,
>
> Is it true we're going to be seeing a new Dr Who movie on TV in May?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but the correct Timelord grammatical construction is:
} will have been going to have seen.
}
} You owe the Oracle an English-Gallifreyan dictionary, which you
} gave me next Thursday.


818-03    (hrCpf dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what program will un"zip" files

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Well, maybe you can use this flyer I received yesterday--O.]
}
}          ATTENTION DEMIGODS AND AUXILIARY DEITIES!
}
} SeraphSystems is ready to serve all your software needs!  Now, you
} don't need to be a major object of worship in order to be able to
} take advantage of advanced applications such as these:
}
} *  Worshipper database tracking
} *  Payroll for divine minions and priests
} *  OmniScan computer control and monitoring of holy places
} *  Computer Aided Design of manifestations and visions
} *  Electronic mass mailings to promote devotion
}
} Hear what these satisfied customers have to say about SeraphSystems:
}
} "Using SeraphSystems' spreadsheet alone, I am now able to get six
} months of work done in only two."
}                               ---Persephone A.,  Grand Junction CO
}
} "Morale among my subordinates has never been higher since I began using
} SeraphSystems' TQM package to reward productivity."
}                               ---Shub N., Cedar Rapids IA
}
} "SeraphSystems software is well-constructed and easy to learn.  Most
} importantly, it makes my routine chores actually FUN now."
}                               ---Lucifer B., New York NY
}
} We know that divine end-users don't always have the time they need to
} work their way up the steep learning curve of most software packages
} in order to take advantage of all the powerful features that are
} there.  At SeraphSystems, our philosophy is to put together a seamless
} interface between the most popular and powerful software, together
} with extensive on-screen help.  It is all laid out in a fashion that
} makes it simple to use by even the nature sprites of old.  Our 24-hour
} Technical Assistance line is always ready to help you install and use
} any of your SeraphSystems products.
}
} Sign up before June 30th and we'll send you a FREE set of popular
} games:  Divine Myst, Wing Commander 10, Immortal Kombat, and much more!
} Consider it a way for us to express our appreciation for your support.
}
} Enclosed at the end of this mailing is a program for you ABSOLUTELY
} FREE AND WITHOUT OBLIGATION which we believe you can use to trim hours
} or even days off of your monthly workload.  This is just one way we
} will boost your productivity, so that you have more hours to spend
} time with your divine consort doing what you enjoy the most.
}
} -------------------------cut here-------------------------
} perl -e 'for(1..16){$p.="ZOT! ";print "$p\n";$a+=$_};die "$a times.\n"'
} -------------------------cut here-------------------------


818-04    (8vvFb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *** TRANSMISSION BEGINS ***
>
> ATTENTION WISE AND POWERFUL ORACLE, WHO'S WISDOM IS UNMATCHED ON THIS
> PLANET, OR ANY OTHER:
>
> THIS IS CAPTAIN ZWABNIX OF THE BLORMIN INVASION FORCE. IT HAS BEEN
> DETERMINED THAT WE WILL CONQUER YOUR PUNY PLANET, ENSLAVE ITS
> OCCUPANTS, AND TAKE THE TECHNOLOGY FOR MANUFACTURING TERMINALS THAT
> SUPPORT LOWER CASE. WE HAVE INTERFACED WITH YOUR GLOBAL COMPUTER
> NETWORK AND BEGAN COLLECTING INFORMATION THAT COULD BE USEFUL IN AN
> INVASION.
>
> OUR SEARCH LEAD US IN YOUR DIRECTION, A BEING THAT COULD ANSWER ANY
> QUESTION WE ASK OF IT, AND GIVE US THE BEST ANSWER. SO ON BEHALF OF THE
> ENTIRE INVASION FORCE, I BEG YOU TO TELL US WHAT THE MOST EFFICIENT WAY
> TO CONQUER YOUR MISERABLE PLANET IS. WE WISH TO MINIMIZE DAMAGE TO THE
> PLANET'S NATURAL RESOURCES AND INDIGENOUS SLAVE POPULATION.
>
> IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR COOPERATION, WE ARE PREPARED TO OFFER YOU A
> POSITION OF POWER AS AN ADVISOR TO OUR KING WHO WILL CONSULT YOU ONLY
> ON MATTERS OF IMPORTANCE AND YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE TO ANSWER A WOODCHUCK
> QUESTION AGAIN.
>
>                                        - CAPTAIN ZWABNIX
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> VISIT OUR WORLD DOMINATION HOME PAGE AT: HTTP:\\WORLD.DOMINATION.IF
> TO FIND OUT WHERE YOUR SPECIES WILL FIT IN TO THE NEW WORLD ORDER!
>
> *** TRANSMISSION ENDS ***

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um. Look, sorry about the last answer I sent you to this question.
} There was a bit of a mix up with the filing, you see: you got sent
} someone else's reply, and they must have got yours. I'd be the first to
} confess that a wonderful operating system with no bugs, taking up
} little disc space, running at speed on all current machines and capable
} of taking advantage of all future technologies isn't going to help you
} destroy or conquer the world.
}
} Still, Bill hasn't complained about his Oracularity yet...
}
} You owe the Oracle some of those spare capital letters.


818-05    (frzA9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SEX! does this catch your attention? HOw does this ask the oracle thing
> work? Is someone actually responding or is it a machine.  Did you know
> that racecar spelled sdrawkcab is racecar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am the Oracle.  Please, describe your problems.  Each time you are
} finished talking, type RET twice.
}
} > SEX!
}
} Can you elaborate on that?
}
} > does this catch your attention?
}
} Why do you say does this catch my attention?
}
} > HOw does this ask the oracle thing work?
}
} Is it because does this ask the oracle thing work that you came to me?
}
} > Is someone actually responding or is it a machine.
}
} You have your mind on machines, it seems.
}
} > Did you know that racecar spelled sdrawkcab is racecar?
}
} Does it bother you that racecar spelled sdrawkcab is racecar?
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with Eliza.


818-06    (3lMzf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wondrous Oracle, Grant Us A Boon Of Thy Wisdom...
>
> What is the market price for a double-sided thingamajig?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're not a very good deal.  For only a little more, you can get a
} double-sided, double-density thingamajig.  Those have a capacity of
} twice as many whatsits.  The quad-density thingamajigs are not very
} popular yet, but expect them to take over the market within a year.  Of
} course, in order to use them, you need to have a quad-density
} thingamajigamadrive, and that may represent a bit of an investment.
} And then there's the installation.  You would be wise to also invest in
} a good machine that has Poke-and-Play capability.
}
} In the long run, I wqould recommend either sticking to the
} double-sided, double- density, or investing in a whole new
} whatchamacallit.
}
} You owe The Oracle one of those doohickeys over there.


818-07    (rHvc9 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Net Police
> They live on the Web
> The Net Police
> Saw my nude pics of Deb.
> The Net Police
> Are coming to arrest me. Oh No!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no, indeed. For the mortal sin of posting nekkid pictures on the
} web, you will be forced to watch an endless loop of Barney videos for
} the rest of your life, and will be forced to survive on a diet of
} yogurt and Ring-Dings. You owe the Oracle a hot soft pretzel with extra
} mustard.


818-08    (lzCn5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's wrong with Paul Auster?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         **** Top 10 problems with Paul Auster ****
}
} 10. Does not grovel when addressing The Usenet Oracle (hint)
}
}  9. Likes to wear diapers when going to Mike Jackson's house for sleep
}     overs
}
}  8. Thinks Sadam Hussan is a pretty cool dude after a couple beers
}
}  7. All posts to Usenet are all caps
}
}  6. Enjoys igniting flatulence (both his and other peoples) at formal
}     parties
}
}  5. Thinks $20,000 isn't a bad price for a toilet seat
}
}  4. Wants the US to become a colony of England
}
}  3. Can you say, "Bestiality"?
}
}  2. Grinds his teeth while sleeping
}
}  1. 4 words - Pro Communications Decency Act


818-09    (alsGl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of Valentine's Day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Long, long ago there was a man named Valentine who, I suppose, was
} basically a decent old coot.  One day he croaked.  Later, he was
} Poperized (it's my word, and if you don't like it, go away) into a
} saint.  Of course, some fool decided to make this day into a holiday,
} creating great difficulties for the rest of us.
}
} Well, earlier in this century, a bunch of gangsters in the U.S. killed
} a bunch of other generally unsavory characters on that day of the year.
} This became known as The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
}
} After that, on this holiday, people took to tracking down folks they
} didn't like, and shooting them in the ass with an arrow, or feeding
} them poisoned confections, to commemorate the great massacre (without
} quite killing the targets - that was frowned upon).  Another common
} practice was to surround their victim's domicile with flowers or other
} plants to which the victims were especially allergic, thereby causing
} the victim to fall into a coughing, choking, asthmatic fit.  If you
} were particularly clever, you might even find a way to get this noxious
} pollen INTO the house.  This was considered a great accomplishment.
} Typical weapons were tulips, roses, chocolates or mints, and
} razor-edged arrowheads.  Sometimes notes or letters were sent to the
} victim to fool them into being somewhere at a particular time, in order
} to set up the "joke" more smoothly.
}
} Of course, someone realized they could take advantage of this
} situation, and started selling pre-printed notes and cards especially
} for this holiday. Thus, the great Card Franchises (such as Hallmark)
} sprang up.  They also started selling candy and flowers.  Of course,
} because of interstate trade laws, they could not commercially sell any
} of the poisons and such, so through subtle mind control and clever
} manipulation, the symbol of the arrowhead was gradually changed to a
} "heart" (though it resembles no actual heart anywhere in the natural
} world, but still rather looks like an arrowhead), the candy was pushed
} wothout additives, and the proprietors started to make good money.
} Realizing they had a Good Thing going, they applied more gentle but
} constant influence and have even managed to convince the public in
} modern times that they are supposed to send these things to FRIENDS!!
}
} They actually printed pictures of some little *cherub*, for Grid's
} sake, shooting someone in the ass with an arrow, and managed to market
} it as some sort of symbol of love!  Have you ever heard anything more
} ridiculous?!
}
} So if you want to celebrate the true spirit of Valentine's Day, you
} should visit your girlfriend and shoot her in the ass with an arrow.
} If this is too uncivilized for you in these modern days, I'm sure you
} can think of something at least Freudianly symbolic of same.  If you
} happen to be female, well, I'm sure you'll think of something.
}
} You owe The Oracle a new history book.  This one is getting hard to
} read.


818-10    (sAqp7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, o wise and mighty oracle, how much federal financial student
> aid will I be eligible for?  Also, Great One, is there any way for a
> humble supplicant like myself to increase this amount?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure!
}
} Follow these instructions EXACTLY, and in 10 to 15 days you will
} receive
}
} ATTENTION RECIPIENT OF MAIL MESSAGE QWERTY987654.321: THE COMPOSER OF
} THIS MAIL MESSAGE HAS VIOLATED THE TERMS OF HIS OR HER LICENSE
} AGREEMENT. THE USER HAS ACCORDINGLY BEEN TERMINATED. FOR FURTHER
} INFORMATION, SEND MAIL TO ORALCE@CS.INDIANNA.DUPE WITH THE SUBJECT
} LINE "TELL ME" AND TEXT "HOW MUCH WOOD WO
}
} owww! leave me alone! hey!! Ian! No!!! not that. ANYTHING but! please!!


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