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Internet Oracularities #819

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819, 819-01, 819-02, 819-03, 819-04, 819-05, 819-06, 819-07, 819-08, 819-09, 819-10


Usenet Oracularities #819    (116 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 27 Feb 1996 09:49:58 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   819
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

819  116 votes hnzz6 xxCa2 8crKn 9HNe1 6kNub 9rutl htDq5 6qCyc fdxqt 1hIBh
819   3.0 mean  2.9   2.3   3.6   2.6   3.2   3.2   2.8   3.2   3.4   3.4


819-01    (hnzz6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle Most Wise, privy to knowledge arcane and forbidden.
>
> I've just heard a rumor that a secret satanist cult has Jimmy
> Durante's nose hooked up to some kind of life support system and
> are planning to use it in a nefarious scheme to conquer the free
> world...
>
> What can we do to thwart these plans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never fear.  The same cult has, as its mastermind, Ronald Reagan's
} brain preserved in a jar of salicylic acid.  You can sleep in peace.
}
} You owe the Oracle Dean Martin's liver.


819-02    (xxCa2 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, most wise and benevolent oracle, which sister is a more talented
> advice columnist, Dear Abby or Ann Landers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, hon, I hate to tell you, but neither of them is going to give
} the right answer to the question that you intend to pose.  You are
} doomed to a lifetime of heartbreak and misery.  Sorry chum.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question that has no relevance to your love life.


819-03    (8crKn dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderful oracle, whose microprocessors never fail to
> complete a division problem accurately:
>
> Which has more silicon: a teraflops P6 9000 massive parallel processing
> computer or Pamela Anderson?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, Pamela does, of course.  However, the P6 9000 has the
} advantage of being a general-purpose processor, whereas
} Pamela's CPUs are limited to solving a small class of
} bounded, constrained fluid dynamics problems.
}
} You owe the Oracle Pamela Anderson's schematics, in JPEG
} format.


819-04    (9HNe1 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great, noble, and all-knowing Oracle, I beg your answer to this
> question:
>
> I've noticed that all my prepackaged food come labeled with 'Nutrition
> Facts'; in my youth, they had all this information, but it was not so
> labeled.
>
> Does this mean that all that previous information was non-factual? Was
> it mythical? Symbolic? Rumored? Please tell me, Oracle, so I may take
> appropriate action for my health.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the way of the world, after all if products are labelled as
} "new and improved" then logic dictates that the previous products were
} "old and crap", and therefore their contents were also old and crap. Of
} course for some products this doesn't hold true, McDonalds and
} Coca-Cola have always been filled with non-nutritional ingredients.
}
} As for taking care of your health I would direct you to "New and
} Improved" Oracle Ambrosia (tm), food good enough for the gods.
}
} You owe the oracle FDA clearance for Oracle Ambrosia (tm).


819-05    (6kNub dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: m.scott.forbes@att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear, dear, DEAR, DEAREST all-knowing, never-bothered-by-relation-
> problems, everlasting Oracle,
> WHY doesn't everything just go the way *I* want them to go???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I checked with the Why Everything Goes the Way It Goes
} Department, and it seems there's been a terrible misunderstanding, some
} kind of paperwork mix-up.  They were under the impression that you were
} a trapped '90s man who, beneath his facade of manliness and machismo,
} longs to be pushed around and dominated by the woman you love, to be
} taught proper manners and cleanliness, to finally experience what it
} means to be a well-rounded, fully realized man, strong, but in touch
} with your feminine side.  And they thought you might like an enchanting
} ballet every now and then.  Imagine their surprise, realizing that you
} weren't trapped, you didn't want to be dominated, and you weren't even
} a man.  What a mess.  They apologize for the great inconvenience.  At
} least you got their attention before they fulfilled your burning desire
} to father children and find true love with a woman who would grow old
} loving you for the man you are.   I don't want to think about it.
} Anyway, we hope this mid-life course change doesn't throw you off too
} much.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise that you won't let this screw up your
} kids. The chain has to stop here.


819-06    (9rutl dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why won't anyone do their @#^&?% job?   Why do I have to call their
> bosses and their bosses' bosses?  I'm about ready to go on a rampage.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lissen, mate. I just logged on ter this 'ere Oracle feller ter get me
} question answered, dinni? I wants ter know 'ow ter skive orf this 'ere
} job they're tryin' ter foist on me dahn the flamin' Job Centre. I din't
} expect ter 'ave ter answer *your* bleedin' questions as well. Flamin'
} liberty, I calls it. Answer yer own bleedin' questions, mush.
}
} What? Yer what? So what yer gonner do abaht it, eh? You don't like it,
} you go whinge ter sysop@cs.indianer.edu, or Steve Kinzler, or Ian
} Davies, 'im wiv 'is bleedin' PhD, stuck up git. Or the bleedin'
} guv'mint. Or go on yer rampage, sunshine, see if I care. I'm orf ter me
} tea break, I am.
}
} Bloomin' cheek. I pays me taxes, dunni? I got me rights...


819-07    (htDq5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, tell me Latin names of the following trees:
> loblolly pine
> slash pine
> jack pine

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pinus popchucki
} Pinus lorena
} Pinus sparetira
}
} You owe the Oracle an updated field guide.


819-08    (6qCyc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do all modems look like this?
>
> @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
> @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
> @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
> @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
> @ o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o  o   @
> @ MR HS AA CD OH SD RD TR PWR @
> @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Modems are, in essence, computer-controlled phones. They are better
} than regular phones because the computers can compress speech, thus
} saving your time and keeping your phone bills reasonable.
}
} Modems, unlike regular phones, can provide you with some information
} about your call. The information is provided via LED indicators on the
} front panel.
}
} The standard set of indicators is derived from the communication
} protocol used by most phone companies. Here is their meaning:
}
} MR     You are talking with a male
} HS     You have reached your recipient's Home Secretary
} AA     You have reached your recipient's Administrative Assistant
} CD     You will get a Cash Discount from your phone company
} OH     You are talking with somebody from Ohio
} SD     You are talking with somebody from South Dakota
} RD     Your conversation goes through Rural Delivery
} TR     You are talking with Theodor Roosevelt
} PWR    You've got the Power!
}
} You owe the Usenet Oracle a new dictionary.


819-09    (fdxqt dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                     EXPERIMENT #4
>
> You will need:
>
>       1 Marmota Monax
>       1 Pole (10')
>       A Supply of Hard Fibrous Xylem
>       A large field
>       A Pair of Safety Goggles and an Apron
>
> CAUTION:
>    As with other experiments of this type, you should wear safety
>    goggles and an apron at all times.
>
> PROCEDURE:
>
> 1. Carefully fill the large field with Hard Fibrous Xylem.
>
> 2. When you are ready, obtain a Marmota Monax from the instructor. Care
>    should be taken when handling the Marmota Monax to reduce chance of
>    injury.
>
> 3. Combine the Marmota Monax with excess Hard Fibrous Xylem.
>
> 4. Observe the reaction between the Monax and the Xylem. Record your
>    observations. You will note that under normal conditions, they do
>    not react in any significant way.
>
> 5. Poke Monax repeatedly with ten foot pole until it begins reacting
>    violently.  Note that the pole is a catalyst and is not directly
>    affected by the reaction.
>
> 6. Observe the reaction between the Monax and the Xylem. Record your
>    observations.
>
> 7. If you have time, repeat the experiment.
>
> QUESTIONS:
>
> 1. What quantity of the hard fibrous xylem will have reacted when the
>    xylem-monax system reaches a state of equilibrium?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your Oracle has no need to perform experiments, as he has the uncanny
} ability of bending reality to his will, in the unlikely event that it
} misbehaves.  If it were possible for marmota monax to react with the
} xylic material as you suggest, the quantity would be precisely that
} amount that would react, if the marmota monax actually did thus react.
}
} In lieu of performing the experiment, I shall do something else that
} is bound to please you, you compulsed and repressive masochist ...
}
}                                ***ZOT***


819-10    (1hIBh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why can't I sleep tonight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lay off the coffee.  You know what they say, it's the first cup that
} gets you wired.  Because then you just can't stop.  You should know
} you're reaching your limit when you've had six or seven 32 oz. cups, a
} small smile creeps across your face and turns into a gigantic grin for
} no reason at all, and there's a path worn in the carpet from your desk
} to the restroom.  You should really consider treatment if you find
} yourself throwing a childlike fit with grown-up words every time
} someone empties the pot and doesn't make more, and then you start
} making regular in the decaf pot so that no one else will drink it,
} except for those wierd people who actually like the taste but not the
} caffeine.  You're at rock bottom when you crawl into the office and
} start drinking the cold, left-over brew from the day before, chewing on
} the floating chunks of non-dairy creamer which can't dissolve at room
} temperature.  That night you go home and get in bed, but you toss and
} turn, wake up, and watch lousy old movies.  You try sleeping pills, but
} all you get is a restless, nervous sleep, filled with dreams that Juan
} Valdez is in your bedroom, and you chase him all through the house
} trying to take away his aromatic hand-picked beans.  Waking up in
} sweat, you realize that it's 4:00am, and maybe you could get another 2
} hours of sleep if only the visions would leave you alone.  If only you
} had listened to the Oracle.  "Lay off the coffee," he said, "lay off
} the coffee."
}
} You owe the Oracle a gallon-sized coffee mug.


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