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Internet Oracularities #82

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82, 82-01, 82-02, 82-03, 82-04, 82-05, 82-06, 82-07, 82-08, 82-09, 82-10


Usenet Oracularities #82    (offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 16 Dec 89 04:01:52 GMT

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82-01    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why on earth does the IBM JCL reference manual contain so many
> references to my sex life?  There's at least one per chapter, and it's
> pretty embarrassing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh!!  So you've also read "What to do when your dick gets stuck in disk
} drive A..."


82-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I addicted to roast beef?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  The real question, of course, is why.  It has to do with that
} fling of yours on a farm, with someone whose name you never knew.  [I
} will reveal her name at the end of my answer.]
}
} Do you remember that fine spring day when you were so starved for
} companionship, so you thought to clear your mind by taking a walk in the
} pure countryside?  You were enjoying the pastoral view and the fresh
} air, just a bit nippy with the gentle spring breeze bringing you the
} fragrance of just-opened buds.  Then you saw her, the female of your
} dreams.
}
} You knew at once that you were meant for one another, and you stood
} enraptured at her calm, ingenuous country beauty, unsullied by the smog
} or the grinding, mind-numbing bustle of the city, free of the
} gum-snapping vacuousness of so many you'd met (and, you were forced to
} admit, even lusted after).
}
} You hadn't known that such beauty existed:  as she relaxed near your
} path, your eyes feasted on her.  She had, in the words of the
} Victorians, a beautifully-turned ankle, and her figure -- ah, her
} figure.  Some might call her overly plump, but you knew better, and your
} eyes travelled up her leg, past her ample rump, to her enormous ...
} ahem.  But her most striking feature was her eyes.  Large, brown, almost
} liquid with emotion, they beckoned you closer, and her full lips wore a
} Mona Lisa-like expression.  You approached, touched, caressed.
}
} She seemed a tease:  despite her enticing manner and her acquiescence to
} your advances, she was reluctant to lie down in the field with you.  You
} were making progress -- though few words were exchanged, few were needed
} -- when a shotgun blast sailed over your heads.  The farmer!  With your
} clothes in some disarray, you took off running, and he shouted after
} you, "What you doing in my cow pasture, boy?  You leave my Holsteins
} alone!"
}
} Now you eat roast beef to try to purge the memory of that cow (and the
} protective farmer) from your memory.  You are psychologically dependent
} on it, and though it makes you miserable, you can't stop.  It's quite a
} shame, actually.
}
} Her name was Bossy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rare steak.  Very rare.  In fact, it will be
} sufficient to just walk the cow by the fire.


82-03    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What should I get my Father (49), Mother (48), Sister (15), and Uncle
> (40-45?) for Christmas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For your father:
}       A transparent nightgown (for his secretary, not for him)
} For your mother:
}       A transparent nightgown (to make your father a little more
}         interested)
}       A vibrator (if he isn't)
} For your sister:
}       A padded bra
}       A diaphragm
} For your uncle:
}       The key to your sister's bedroom
}
} You owe the Oracle a Merry Christmas


82-04    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ai, yai yai yai, your mother eats batshit off cavewalls.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps you should refer to an elementary school grammar book as you
} seem to be unclear as to how to form a question.  The correct form for
} this question would have it end with a question mark.  In case you don't
} know what they look like, they look like this:  ?
} That would be shift / on most keyboards.  It is also advisable to make
} clear what the question is trying to find out, for example:  "Is it true
} that your mother eats batshit off cavewalls?" or "Did you know that your
} mother eats batshit off cavewalls?"
}
}       The omniscient oracle hopes you have been enlightened.


82-05    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise, I need help.
>
> I am in my bedroom.  A woman with big biker thighs is wearing a leather
> teddy, jack boots and a German officers hat while goosestepping around
> the bed.  What does this mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means that you are going to owe this woman a lot of money very soon.
} Or perhaps an Iron Cross medal.  If you wish to get rid of this woman,
} show her a picture of the holes in the Berlin wall and remind her that
} pieces of it are now being sold in America for Christmas gifts.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Heavy Blimp's trashing single "Uber De
} Alles"


82-06    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many chucks could a woodchuck chuck, if I were larger than Mt.
> Everest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So next time you buy a vowel
} and you're staring at Vanna
} don't you throw in the towel
} but rather sit bak and peal that ban ana.
}
} Just remember to form your answer as a quest tion
} or you won't win any money
} And we all know its so much fun
} to smear you crotch with honey.
}
} 4 score an d nine ban anas ago
} a would chucked Mt Ever rest into the sea
} And we should all know
} that he chuked a chuck total of three.
}
} So Happy Yule and Merry new year
} as Santa robs from the poor and gives to the rich
} Be free of pain, strife and fear
} A female dog is a bitch.


82-07    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it safe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nothing is ever safe.  Security is an illusion.  We're all going to die
} in the Universe's heat-death, so what the f*ck does it matter anyways??
} I'm getting sick of answering all these questions from brain-damaged
} computer geeks!  I'M AN ORACLE FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
} ---======*********SKKAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOM********======---
} "Oracle, this is GOD speaking..."
} Er um...  I'm sorry oh lord of the cosmos!  It's been a bad day, my
} priests have been bugging me about a raise and the mists all stink of
} swamp gas and..." "Shut up.  Do you think I want to hear this sh*t?  I'M
} GOD!  Now stop your mewling and anser the persons question CORRECTLY."
} But...  but...  I don't know what they are reffering to!!  <sob sob>
} "Stopping that sniffling you miserable wretch!  They are obviously
} talking about safe sex.  Do I have to replace you with Johnny Carson??"
} NO!!  Oh No sir, I promise, I'll do better, it was just a temporary
} lapse...  <smarm gorvel grovel>
} "STOP THAT!!!! GET BACK TO WORK BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO A LAVA-LAMP!!!!"
} KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
}
}
} Um....
}
}
} Oh yeah... is it safe...
} um, of course it is!! But only if you use a Condomn... or a diaphragm.


82-08    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that all short people are inferior?
>
> P.S. I'm 6'3"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  I'm 6' 0", and I would acknowledge being inferior to you, except
} that I am the Oracle and you aren't, so nyaaaaaaaaaah nyaaaaaaaaaah,
} nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!
}
} Listen, sunshine.  Short people start wars, scare animals, abuse
} children, smash windows, resist arrest, take drugs, spread AIDS, perform
} cruel experiments upon live animals, support the IRA, buy imported
} goods, draw social security, distribute buggy compilers, drive over
} hedgehogs, burn the cakes, forget the words to `God Save The Queen',
} listen to commercial radio loudly at 3 AM, borrow the books from the
} library that you want for your assignment, join the Labour Party, join
} the Conservative Party, support independence for Scotland, give their
} girlfriends cheap perfume, refuse their boyfriends intercourse, and
} generally make life for us normal people into an insufferable torture.
}
} I am NOT a shortophobe -- !BUT!  -- Hitler was short, Mussolini was
} short, the people who invented BASIC were all short, the Viet Cong are
} short, the Irish are short, gypsies are short, homosexuals are all
} decidedly below average height, Lord Lucan is short, Ron Brown MP is
} short, Colonel Gaddafi is short, Ian Paisley is short, fleas are short,
} Ron Todd is short, rats are short, bacteria are microscopic, the
} striking ambulance workers are all short...what we need is the FINAL
} SOLUTION!


82-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, we have all heard a lot about Lisa, the
> net.sex.goddess, whose life is dedicated to sex, and who is a true
> master in her field.  But surely, there must be other net.*.god(desse)s,
> who excel in "*".  (Although not as intereseting as Lisa).
>
> But it would be intersting to hear about others.  So I ask you this
> time:  Who is the net.suppleness.goddess ?  Please, Oh Mighy One, tell
> me about her.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Her name is Barbara, and she lives on the fourth floor.
} You must go and meet her personally.
} Her phone number can be found by dialing 411 and asking for Barbara
} the Great Goddess of Suppleness.
} By the way, she loves Dominoes Pizza.


82-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What shall a pure virgin do when she's cornered between:
>
> 1. An aroused highpriest of the Oracle.
> 2. A recruiting priestess of the Secluded Monastery of Bald Virgins.
> 3. A pit filled with hairy and vicious tarantula's.
> 4. A dark and suspicious phone-box with the message ' Aids telephone '.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Pure virgins indeed face a dilemma.
}
}         Let the oracle analyze your situation:
}
} > 1.  An aroused highpreist of the Oracle.
}
}         These people are dangerous, but the Oracle keeps Lisa around to
} allow them to relieve their petty human pressures with.  The Oracle's
} high priests are quite satisfied with Lisa, and would not easily be
} convinced to choose another.  The Oracle's high preistesses, on the
} other hand, are very happy with Dave, and will not even give you a
} second glance.
}
} > 2.  A recruiting preistess of the Secluded Monastary of Bald Virgins
}
}         These people are also dangerous, but are even fewer in number
} than the elite high preists of the Oracle.  The SMBV's work for peace,
} justice, and the American way; but are dying out because of in
} explicable inability to reproduce.  If you think you can produce
} spontaneous impregnation in a community of bald virgins, than this is
} for you, and there are several people who would like to have you deliver
} sermons on the mount of olives.
}
} > 3.  A pit filled with hairy and vicious tarantulas.
}
}         These are just plain gross.  Stay away from them.
}
} > 4.  A dark and suspicious phone-box with the message 'AIDS telephone'.
}
}         This is simply one of Jesse Helms' direct phone lines to report
} suspected cases of homosexuality.  You are supposed to call if you see
} anything that doesn't correspond to his rather narrow definition of what
} we should and should not do.  Most people just urinate in them.
}
}         It seems that you're stuck, but the Oracle suggests the aroused
} high preises of the Oracle of a choice has to be made.


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