} <sigh> Pat Buchanan, Pat Buchanan. You wouldn't believe how many
} questions I've gotten recently that deal with /this/ wanker.
} Your best bet, pal, is anytime between the inauguration and January 1,
} 1998. Here's the chronology:
} 1/21/97: President Buchanan starts off his first full day in office by
} passing the English As The National Language bill, fulfilling a
} long-standing campaign promise (*). The nation sighs a collective sigh
} of relief; "Finally!", they say, "Finally someone had the courage to
} stand up and make a difference! Now maybe we can get all of our TV
} shows, radio programs, street signs, legislation in English instead of
} ancient Greece!" Relieved of this heavy burden, the economy soars.
} 2/13/97: Barely able to fulfill his occupational duties because of the
} never-ending stream of fan mail from and "We Love The President" days
} in such far-flung places as New Hampshire, North Dakota, and even
} South Dakota, the President nonetheless pushes through Congress the
} "Sexual Decency Act". Homosexuality is outlawed, as is the
} solo-watching of "Baywatch" by any man over the age of 16.
} Acceptable viewing of the gritty drama is allowed by chaperoning only.
} 5/6/97: The President, sensing a strong "Silent Majority", adds a
} rider to the SDA, which states that not only is homosexuality
} unacceptable, but so are liaisons between unmarried persons, oral sex,
} inter-racial couplings of any sort, manual stimulation in all its
} forms, dating, and any sexual position beyond the Missionary Position.
} 5/13/97: "Baywatch"'s ratings soar.
} 8/29/97: Cursing the engineers along both the Canadian and Mexican
} borders for not building The Wall to abolish illegal immigration
} quickly enough, the President authorizes the use of Deadly Force in
} stopping any person from crossing the border into the United States.
} He deploys the Marines and the Army along parts of Texas and southern
} California, where there is the most traffic.
} 9/3/97: The 204th Airborne, a crack Marine squad consisting of
} Comanche Attack Helicopters and based in El Paso, TX, is forced to fire
} an air-to-ground missile at a family of four Mexicans. Although no
} remains confirm this, the pilot is awarded a "kill" and is treated to a
} round of "Tecate" by his fellow soldiers.
} 10/10/97: The Wall is finally complete, allowing the armed forces
} units patrolling the border to relax, although there are some small
} skirmishes along the Washington border, as a frenzied group of
} foreigners from Victoria, British Columbia, attempt to climb over the
} wall. Later, Sgt. Terry Pirko would be heard to explain that the
} invaders were "armed and dangerous. My men had no choice but to riddle
} their bodies with bullets."
} When later pressed as to the exact nature of the Canadian's arms,
} Pirko will sheepishly mutter "Hockey sticks" and then scream "I mean,
} "No comment"!!".
} 11/15/97: Feeling that the number of U.S. citizens is perfect
} "right....NOW!", President Buchanan (or, as House Bill #1352.2 now
} dictates he be called, "Mein Fuhrer") announces that at the end of the
} current year, all adult citizens of breeding age will report to local
} hospitals to undergo sterilization.
} 12/4/97: Puzzled by the drastic decrease of U.S. population, Der
} Fuhrer calls an emergency cabinet meeting. Secretary of State Limbaugh
} suggests the possibility that there is emigration from "this great land
} of ours". A round of "dittos" and nodding heads follows from the rest
} of the cabinet, and all eyes turn to the President.
} 12/15/97: An announcement is made by Der Fuhrer: As of the end of
} the current calender year, the borders of the United States are now
} closed to any and all emigration or immigration. This is for the good
} of the country, he will announce, and must not be argued. In fact,
} it'd be best if you don't even think about it. He will then return
} viewers to the show he interrupted, "The Best of Crossfire", which has
} of course been edited to remove all traces of his opposition.
} There you have it. Looks like any flight you can book before then
} would be best. See you on the other side. My new e-mail address will
} be Oracle@ox.ac.uk.
} You owe the Oracle several hundred delegates for either Dole or
} (*) With apologies to Dave Barry, I am not making this up.