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Internet Oracularities #820

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820, 820-01, 820-02, 820-03, 820-04, 820-05, 820-06, 820-07, 820-08, 820-09, 820-10


Usenet Oracularities #820    (124 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 1 Mar 1996 11:04:33 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   820
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

820  124 votes 8tVo6 8ioFx byFu8 bpFuh 0fCFu bxLmb 4mJEd 7byGu 1iAKn 9rJud
820   3.3 mean  2.9   3.6   2.9   3.1   3.7   2.9   3.3   3.6   3.6   3.1


820-01    (8tVo6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, thou who is the only being in the world capable of cooking
> a Yorkshire Pudding to perfection in a Hangi. Thou who can best any
> Knight with a Greenstone Mere while wearing a full coat of arms. Thou
> who can drink Scotch Whisky out of a flax blossom, please hear my
> question.
>
> Oracle, I'm born of an English father, and a New Zealand mother. Does
> that make me intercultural?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Antipodal Supplicant, you run the gamut from N to Z.  Half of you is
} interlingual, and the other half multicultural.  The Irish Parliament
} pauses to listen when you approach.  Your coat of arms has far too
} many sleeves.
}
} Your true virtue is that you can pass for an Australian anywhere in
} North America, allowing you to gain vast wealth by misrepresentation.
}
} You owe the Oracle three acres of flax, filled with Glenlivet, please.


820-02    (8ioFx dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O all seeing, splendiforous, magnificent Oracle, please deign to
>      respond to this most unworthy supplicant's request.
>
>      I live on the outskirts of Washington,D.C., and have been watching
>      the progress of the Republican nominee selection process with some
>      trepidation. My question is this: if Buchannan keeps winning, at
>      what point should I apply for landed immigrant status in New
>      Zealand, in order to beat the rush?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <sigh>  Pat Buchanan, Pat Buchanan.  You wouldn't believe how many
} questions I've gotten recently that deal with /this/ wanker.
}
} Your best bet, pal, is anytime between the inauguration and January 1,
} 1998.  Here's the chronology:
}
} 1/21/97:  President Buchanan starts off his first full day in office by
} passing the English As The National Language bill, fulfilling a
} long-standing campaign promise (*).  The nation sighs a collective sigh
} of relief; "Finally!", they say, "Finally someone had the courage to
} stand up and make a difference!  Now maybe we can get all of our TV
} shows, radio programs, street signs, legislation in English instead of
} ancient Greece!"  Relieved of this heavy burden, the economy soars.
}
} 2/13/97:  Barely able to fulfill his occupational duties because of the
} never-ending stream of fan mail from and "We Love The President" days
} in such far-flung places as New Hampshire, North Dakota, and even
} South Dakota, the President nonetheless pushes through Congress the
} "Sexual Decency Act".  Homosexuality is outlawed, as is the
} solo-watching of "Baywatch" by any man over the age of 16.
} Acceptable viewing of the gritty drama is allowed by chaperoning only.
}
} 5/6/97:  The President, sensing a strong "Silent Majority", adds a
} rider to the SDA, which states that not only is homosexuality
} unacceptable, but so are liaisons between unmarried persons, oral sex,
} inter-racial couplings of any sort, manual stimulation in all its
} forms, dating, and any sexual position beyond the Missionary Position.
}
} 5/13/97:  "Baywatch"'s ratings soar.
}
} 8/29/97:  Cursing the engineers along both the Canadian and Mexican
} borders for not building The Wall to abolish illegal immigration
} quickly enough,  the President authorizes the use of Deadly Force in
} stopping any person from crossing the border into the United States.
} He deploys the Marines and the Army along parts of Texas and southern
} California, where there is the most traffic.
}
} 9/3/97:  The 204th Airborne, a crack Marine squad consisting of
} Comanche Attack Helicopters and based in El Paso, TX, is forced to fire
} an air-to-ground missile at a family of four Mexicans.  Although no
} remains confirm this, the pilot is awarded a "kill" and is treated to a
} round of "Tecate" by his fellow soldiers.
}
} 10/10/97:  The Wall is finally complete, allowing the armed forces
} units patrolling the border to relax, although there are some small
} skirmishes along the Washington border, as a frenzied group of
} foreigners from Victoria, British Columbia, attempt to climb over the
} wall.  Later, Sgt. Terry Pirko would be heard to explain that the
} invaders were "armed and dangerous.  My men had no choice but to riddle
} their bodies with bullets."
}  When later pressed as to the exact nature of the Canadian's arms,
} Pirko will sheepishly mutter "Hockey sticks" and then scream "I mean,
} "No comment"!!".
}
} 11/15/97:  Feeling that the number of U.S. citizens is perfect
} "right....NOW!", President Buchanan (or, as House Bill #1352.2 now
} dictates he be called, "Mein Fuhrer") announces that at the end of the
} current year, all adult citizens of breeding age will report to local
} hospitals to undergo sterilization.
}
} 12/4/97:  Puzzled by the drastic decrease of U.S. population, Der
} Fuhrer calls an emergency cabinet meeting.  Secretary of State Limbaugh
} suggests the possibility that there is emigration from "this great land
} of ours".  A round of "dittos" and nodding heads follows from the rest
} of the cabinet, and all eyes turn to the President.
}
} 12/15/97:   An announcement is made by Der Fuhrer:  As of the end of
} the current calender year, the borders of the United States are now
} closed to any and all emigration or immigration.  This is for the good
} of the country, he will announce, and must not be argued.  In fact,
} it'd be best if you don't even think about it.  He will then return
} viewers to the show he interrupted, "The Best of Crossfire", which has
} of course been edited to remove all traces of his opposition.
}
} There you have it.  Looks like any flight you can book before then
} would be best.  See you on the other side.  My new e-mail address will
} be Oracle@ox.ac.uk.
}
} You owe the Oracle several hundred delegates for either Dole or
} Alexander.
}
} (*)  With apologies to Dave Barry, I am not making this up.


820-03    (byFu8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why does life suck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As Prince might say, "dig if you will the picture" of a perfectly
} unsucky existence. A peaceful, serene, mirth-filled life just like my
} own, only for everyone, every day. Can you imagine how boring that
} would be................ for ME?!?
}
} I mean, my GOD, man! Put yourself in my place. Can you imagine life as
} an extended episode of Full House? Just brimming with cute wonderful
} care-free people and smart-mouthed but loveable game-show-host-like men
} who talk like Popeye and are well in touch with their "feminine side"?
} There's only so much of that maddening Olsen twin cuteness a man can
} take before he just wants to grab them by their little blonde locks and
} drown them in Johnson's Baby Shampoo.
}
} "Oh, but life sucks," you whine. "My car broke down, my grandma died in
} a crop-dusting accident, the space shuttle crashed into the roof I just
} had shingled." Blah, blah, blah!! What about MY needs? If you and your
} sickening ilk insist on make life "better" for yourselves, who am I
} going to laugh at? It's people like you that nominated "Babe" for best
} picture!
}
} You owe me free Cinemax for a year and a direct camera feed to the
} Florida gas chamber.


820-04    (bpFuh dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I've been waiting for you folks from the Gallaudet University of the
} Deaf to give me a ring.
}
} To answer your question, really it's quite simple.  The trick is not so
} much WHERE you apply the cream but HOW you do it.  If you do it slowly,
} the effect is much greater than if you get too eager and do it fast.
} Not something you want to do alone, either.
}
} By the way, chocolate is NOT an aphrodisiac.
}
} I hope she likes the banana splits.  Tell me how your date goes.


820-05    (0fCFu dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@pobox.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh spiffy Oracle, who is old enough to remember such things, please
> tell me why the dinosaurs died out.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there are many, many theories about why the dinosaurs died out.
}
}         Paleontology
}                 The dinosaurs were killed by a change in the Earth's
}                 climate.
}
}         Geology
}                 They were whomped by a comet.
}
}         UFOlogy
}                 They were kidnapped by aliens.
}
}         Biology
}                 They were not able to sufficiently evolve to match
}                 the ever-changing environment.
}
}         Fundamentalist Christian
}                 There weren't any in the first place.
}
}         Less Fundamentalist Christian
}                 God wanted them to be fossil fuel.
}
}         Eveready Battery Company
}                 They didn't use the same battery as the Bunny.
}
}         United States Internal Revenue Service
}                 If you are a dinosaur, you must file form SAUR 1045B.
}                 Please be sure to consider the presence of
}                 turboencabulating factors in the depreciation of
}                 the scales involved in the sale of the mammilian
}                 deductions taken in form FR237-A.....
}
}         Programmers
}                 They never left. We have COBOL, don't we?
}
} But the truth is a bit more mundane: someone forgot to change the
} litterbox and they left!


820-06    (bxLmb dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@pobox.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me why you're human beings but can't act like human beings?  Has
> using a computer so much turned you all into one?  Or is there only one
> of you?  Well there wasn't a "tell me" or "ask me" in the message I
> sent because it was a different kind of message.  A message that
> EVERYONE should take note of and pass on.  That's the beauty of this
> net connection -- so many can be reached.
>  Perhaps your function is not to do anything but provide silly replies
> to ask mes and tell mes but you're a human being and you ought to "ask
> you" if you're overlooking that.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your Oracle counsels you to breathe deeply and slowly, picturing
} yourself lying in a plush, verdant meadow on an early, sunny Spring
} day, with a brook babbling softly underneath the elm tree.  Zephyrs
} blow the billowing cumuli into comfortingly familiar shapes.  You could
} lie here forever, letting the day drift by lazily.
}
} There are numerous apparitions of the Oracle, each with Its own
} responses.  Exhaling highly acidic, incendiary, noxious fumes at one
} may be injuring an innocent.  Surely you do not wish to be guilty of
} that.
}
} The Oracle is a unique forum in which supplicants beseech from an
} Oracle answers to questions: that's its reason for being.  If you wish,
} instead, to broadcast a noble, sublime thought that will transform
} every reader everlastingly into an angel of immaculate, pure light, it
} behooves you to locate a more suitable medium, quite possibly still on
} the Internet somewhere.  Fortunately, you haven't asked this apparition
} of the Oracle for that address or how to get there, questions which It
} intends to duck with alacrity and steely determination.
}
} On the other hand, if you'd like to submit a teasing question and
} receive a refreshingly witty reply, the Oracle is your oyster or your
} ocean, depending on which metaphor you wish to mix.


820-07    (4mJEd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@pobox.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, gracious, benevolent, magnificent,
> and all those other superlatives, please grant me an
> answer to my question.
>
> My best friend has asked me to be his newborn son's
> godfather.  I am honored, of course, but this is the
> first time anyone has made this request of me before,
> and I honestly haven't the foggiest idea of what I'm
> supposed to be doing.  Please tell me, great Oracle,
> how does one go about being a good godfather?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm glad you've come to me Guido. All the other boys show me no
} respect, they've forgotten about the old ways. But when I first saw
} you lying in your mothers arms I knew you'd be standing before me one
} day. This isn't just about business, Guido. It's about respect and
} Family. True, we're not as powerful as we were back in the 20's, but
} those were good years. The Family was stronger back then - more boys
} showed respect. I showed respect. Take your brother Luigi - he
} doesn't care about tradition or respect. All he cares about are fast
} cars and fast women, but I'll tell you this, he'll screw around with
} the wrong girl one day. Then he'll know about tradition and respect
} for the Family. Our Family.
} But this is a good day Guido, and I'm an old man. You've shown
} loyalty and respect over the years. You took orders and shown
} initiative, and I respect that. And now it's time for you to get
} made. To take over the businesses and look after the Family. I've
} seen it in you Guido. The fire in your eyes when we talk about the
} old country. A respect for tradition and the old ways. You'll be good
} for this Family Guido. Now you must go. I'm an old man and old men
} need their rest.
} Go on! Get outta here before I slappa ya 'round the face with a big
} dead fish.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better Italian accent.


820-08    (7byGu dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> >>>>>>>>>> This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The
> >>>>>>>>>> original is in a room in Palaiseau. It has been sent
> >>>>>>>>>> around the world nine times. The sex has now been sent to
> >>>>>>>>>> you. Hot women or men will visit you within four days of
> >>>>>>>>>> receiving this message -- provided you, in turn, send it
> >>>>>>>>>> on. This is no joke.
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>> You will receive good sex in the mail -- but no condom.
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>> Send copies to people you think need sex.  Don't send money
> >>>>>>>>>> as fate has no price.  Do not keep this message. This
> >>>>>>>>>> message must leave your hands in 96 hours.
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>> Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.
> >>>>>>>>>> The chain comes from Palaiseau and was written by R.F. , a
> >>>>>>>>>> student from a little town in France. Since the copy must
> >>>>>>>>>> tour the world, you must make ten copies and send them to
> >>>>>>>>>> friends and associates. After a few days,you will get
> >>>>>>>>>> asurprise.  This is true, even if you are not
> >>>>>>>>>> superstitious.
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>> Good sex, but please remember: 10 copies of this message
> >>>>>>>>>> must your hands in 96 hours... You must not sign on this
> >>>>>>>>>> message...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant,
}
} If I knew ten other people who needed sex, I really wouldn't need
} your help, now would I?
}
} You owe the Oracle ten people who need sex badly enough.


820-09    (1iAKn dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh most sage and callipygous of Oracles please answer my humble query.
>
> Why is Sunderland, England the largest Woodchuck pelt producer?  I am
> thinking of moving there to get in on the action, would you recommend
> it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!
}
} Congratulations!  You are the 1,000,000th supplicant to ask a woodchuck
} question!  You have won this valuable prize package:
}
} 1. A trip for two to Paris!  We'll fly you and a guest one-way,
}    cargo-class aboard Rickety Airlines to Paris, France.  You'll spend
}    six fun-filled days and one glorious night at the beautiful Chateau
}    Pue, the finest one-star hotel in the world.
}
} 2. A new car!  Yes, it's the Yugo Skrapmetal, the epitome of European
}    engineering.  Comes with all standard features, plus these options:
}    bucket seats, paint, and AM-FM radio antenna.
}
} 3. A special mystery prize!  Please stand over there next to that
}    lightning rod.  Why are you looking at me like that?  You were
}    expecting this all along.  NOW MOVE IT, SUPPLICANT.
}
} The Oracle owes you a cremation urn.


820-10    (9rJud dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@mincom.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Implausible Oracle, what accounts for my inability to discomprehend
> the plethora of nihility that abounds only rarely today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Applying the analytical and psuedo-psychic and quasi-religious
} cognitive formulations of this (only) monadically coporeal entity
} results in a triumverate of distinct but hardly exclusive conclusions
} re the questioner's existential and/or socially inculcated
} estrangement:
}
} A) Desconstructionism provides only the merest foundation of
} intellectual reference with regard to the ebullient but vaguely
} redundant optimistism reflected in the prevalent zeitgeist of the
} collective anima of the current state of the species.
}
} B) Mass channels of communication offer only the merest respite from
} painfully peripatetic and parsimonious, yet paringly purulent and
} pusilanimous particular phillandering purported purely, per se, as par
} for the Parthenon.
}
} C) You know you're supposed to unwrap the Pez before you eat them,
} don't you?  That's what the dispenser that looks like Goofy is for.
}
}   You owe the Oracle a master's degree in Sociology, a gallon of water,
} and a bucket suitable for head-soaking.


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