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Internet Oracularities #821

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Usenet Oracularities #821    (125 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 6 Mar 1996 08:29:24 -0500 (EST)

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   821
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

821  125 votes ktArd 3iFAr 5nIHa 6uHsi hmEwe 5nJvl 6hJO7 8vyAg guFqc foFwd
821   3.2 mean  2.9   3.5   3.2   3.2   3.0   3.3   3.3   3.2   2.9   3.0


821-01    (ktArd dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@cs.mcgill.ca

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,  You are incredibly intelligent and handsome, I
> might add, If thou art the most wise indeed, please answer the enigma
> that has been puzzling me for many centuries: How much wood would a
> woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh my GOD GAG ME WITH A SPOON!
}
} You've, like, TOTALLY offended me.
}
} I mean, first, I'm like, a girl, you know, and by saying i'm HANDSOME
} you are stating implicitly that I'm probably, you know, like *gross*,
} a male.  How do you know that I'm not, like, some kind of trasnvestite?
} You just can't win.
}
} GOD, you are such a DWEEB!  Don't you know English?  No one says
} 'thou' anymore.  You're so DORKY!  You're probably, like, OLD, like,
} REALLY ANCIENT.  Like, wrinkled skin and maybe you walk around with
} your pants pulled up really high.  Ew, gross.
}
} You're so damn NERDY.  I can't talk to you.
}
} You thought I was going to, like, zot you?  Like, NOT.  I'd probably
} break a nail or something and then I'd like be really mad and wouldn't
} have anyone to kick around.
}
} You're such a Beavis.
}
} Some people.  WHATEVER!


821-02    (3iFAr dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hiya there Oracle, wasup?
>
> Does this make sense:
> "I See," said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
>
> Thanks a bunch!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "I hear," said the deaf man, as he picked up his sheep and heard.
} "I speak," said the dumb man, as he picked up his bicycle and spoke.
} "I smell," said the nosy man, as he picked up his fish and smelt.
} "I feel," said the insensitive man, as he picked up his flannel and
}   felt.
} "I run," shrugged the lame man, as he picked up his Atlas Ayn Ran.
} "I know," said the supplicant, as she took off her clothes and nude.
} "I zit," said the Oracle, as he picked up his staff and *ZOT*.
}
} Does this make sense?  Nope.
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of yourself just before the *ZOT*.  On
} second thought, never mind.  I'd rather have the fish.


821-03    (5nIHa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great megaknowledgeable Oracle extraordinaire, I come to you as a
> rather perplexed supplicant and beseech you to answer my humble query:
>
> Why the @#%& do the car manufacturers make it so @#%!$&% difficult to
> take everything apart?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dearest Supplicant,
}
}    They don't make it difficult to take things apart.  They merely
} require the right tools.
}
}    Compare the price of an ordinary wrench at your local hardware
} store ($2.50) with the price of one of Ford's Auto-sensing Easy-remove
} Pliers for the Third Bolt on the Left of the radiator ($250.00).
} With the first, you have to tug and tear at each bolt.  With the
} second, you merely turn and the radiator's third bolt on the left
} will come off with ease.
}
}    Although the complete cost of all the tools required to open
} a car's engine completely might be a bit steep for the average
} hobbyist, if you don't have the right tools, what are you doing poking
} about the engine?
}
}    You owe the Oracle an inverted 5/23-inch heptagonal wrench and a
} pair of underflung pruning-hook pliers with electrical resistance
} greater than 100 ohms.


821-04    (6uHsi dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, most - excuse me...
>
> Sorry, Oh might- sorry here they come again...
>
> Oh magnificent Orac.. ouch!
>
> Hold on a moment...
>
> Please excuse me, I'm a little out of breath... Right! Oh magnificent
> Oracle etc. I hope you'll pardon the rather perfunctory grovel, but I
> am being pursued by some militant members of the Woodchuck Liberation
> Front. What should I do?
>
> I tried taking your earlier advice about the egg-whisk and the signed
> photograph of Bill Clinton, and although it seemed to work in the
> short term, but they've come back, in considerably greater numbers
> this time.
>
> I fear that unless you can hel... oh bugger - here they come again.
> Help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} You are obviously in dire need of the tried-and-true methods of
} political dissuasion:
}
} Splitting the factions.
}
} First and foremost, you must understand that nothing destroys a groups
} internal dynamics like internal conflict. So try introducing such
} precepts to them as "Wood Chucking may be Bad for the Environment",
} "Chucking Quotas and a Fair System" and "Differently Abled Citizens and
} their Right to be Chuckers". Agree to meet with them when they can come
} to some sort of agreement about Volume vs. Weight measurements. Ask
} them to present a policy on the introduction of Wood Substitutes.
} Suggest a forum of interested parties debating the topic "IS
} Woodchucking as bad as Woodchipping, and is it Sustainable?" There's
} nothing like having two topics at the one discussion to really bring
} out the dissenters there.
}
} Then, once the partitions (veneers?) are starting to show, invite the
} heads of the obviously-still-dedicated sectors to a meeting at your
} place, and ensure that while they're gone, some sort of rumour starts
} circulating among the waiting faithful that their beloved leaders are
} defecting to the other side.
}
} Finally, it shouldn't be too hard to plant the following disinformation
} package among those remaining in the cause:
}
}         Woodchuck History:
}
}         Recent excavations in Norway have proved that the origins
}         of the humble Woodchuck (Marmota Monax) and those of the
}         Red-backed Lemming (Lemmus Myopus) are identical.
}
}         The ancestor of both these animals, the Larger Burrowing
}         Migrator (Bagginsus Fiskia Spilodes), eventually evolved
}         into the two well-known animals. However, these studies
}         have also proven that the true evolutionary path was that
}         followed by the Myopus. Members of the Monax group
}         appeared as a result of a drastic mutation caused by
}         over-exposure to wood sawdust in the trees destroyed by
}         this feral beast. True Spilodes descendants . . .(etc.)
}
} This should result in the animals giving up the wood-chucking part of
} their lives, and retiring into the background of groundhogging, where
} they belong. Either that, or they should begin marching inexorably
} towards the nearest high cliffs...
}
} You owe the Oracle a cloudy day next Feb. 2nd.
}
} This answer provided by the incarnation also known as the Midnight Fox


821-05    (hmEwe dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> %DCL-I-SUPERSEDE, previous value of ORRIE has been superseded

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.
}
} $ SHOW ORACLE /UPTIME
}
}       Uptime: 000 00:00:00.20
}
} $ SHOW ORACLE /QUESTIONS
}
}       Questions handled this session: 62498
}
} $ SHOW ORACLE /QUESTIONS /FULL
}
}       Questions handled this session: 62498
}
}       Distribution:
}
}       Woodchuck       62497   (99.99%)
}       Personal        0       (0.00%)
}       Political       0       (0.00%)
}       Philosohical    0       (0.00%)
}       Meaningful      0       (0.00%)
}       Computer        1       (0.00%)
}
}       Original questions asked: 0 (0.00%)
}
} $ SHOW ORACLE /ZOT
}
}       Total ZOT Buffers: 65536
}       Free ZOT Buffers: 65536
}
} $ SHOW ORACLE /CURRENT_SUPPLICANT /GROVEL
}
}       Current supplicant grovel rating : 0
}       ZOT recommended.
}
} $ LOGOUT
}
} It would seem you are correct. You owe the Oracle a copy of VMS which
} runs on a PC.


821-06    (5nJvl dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I go to New York or to Chicago for my vacation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a good question...let's look at the ever-popular handy comparison
} chart:
}
} CATEGORY           NEW YORK                    CHICAGO
} Type of pizza      Thin crust and greasy       Stuffed and greasy
} Rapid transit      Subway                      Elevated
} Found in river     Dead people                 Green dye
} Bad baseball team  Mets                        Cubs
} Souvenir           Statue of Liberty figurine  Al Capone figurine
} Airport named for  Assassinated President      Shot down WWII aviator
} Major newspaper    No comics                   Plenty of comics
} Named after        Town in England             Smelly onions
} Department store   Macy's                      Marshall Field's
} Name of downtown   Downtown                    The Loop
} Famous street      Broadway                    State Street
} Capital of U.S.?   Yes, in 1780's              Never
} Engineering feat   Brooklyn Bridge             River flows backwards
} Media hdqtrs.      ABC, CBS, NBC, many others  Oprah Winfrey
} Famous mayor       Ed Koch                     Richard J. Daley
} Famous phrase      "How am I doing?"           "Teargas the protestors."
} Poet               Walt Whitman                Carl Sandburg
} Poem about city    "Crossing Brooklyn Ferry"   Hog Butcher for the world
} Universities       Columbia, NYU               U of Chicago,Northwestern
} Ethnic food        Bagels and lox              Polish sausage&sauerkraut
} Recent disaster    World Trade Center bombed   Downtown tunnels flooded
} Smelly suburb      Bayonne, New Jersey         Gary, Indiana
} TV show locale     "Seinfeld"                  "Perfect Strangers"
} Movie locale       "Miracle on 34th Street"    "Home Alone"
} Book locale        "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn"  "The Jungle"
}
} So, after weighing each of these factors, it appears that the best place
} for you to vacation is...Acapulco.
}
} You owe the Oracle six days and five nights at a beachside resort.


821-07    (6hJO7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oh wonderous Oracle, he who knows the secret of the black magic
>      box, please help me thy humble supplicant by sparing a tiny morsel
>      of your wisdom to enlighten me.
>
>      Will my sex life ever return now I have a baby daughter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sadly, no.  When you procreated, you passed on most of your sex life to
} your daughter.  It will lay dormant in her until puberty, when she will
} then have full access to it.  Don't be fooled by the "residual" sex
} life that you will experience during the next few years.  As your
} daughter matures, you will be plagued by thoughts of "Oh my God, my
} daughter is doing *this* with someone?" which tends to put a damper on
} things for yourself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book about whatever hobby gradually fills uses
} that soon-to-be-spare time and energy.


821-08    (8vyAg dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Orrie,
>
> I think I probably found the solution to the energy-problems in the
> world, but before I hand in my patent request, I thought I might
> check it with you, you know, just for old friends' sake.
> When you explode a H-bomb at the South pole, would there be cold
> nuclear fusion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The one problem with H-bombing the South Pole is that penguins tend to
} mutate under intense radiation.  They grow to huge proportions, and
} develop sharp incisors, and gnaw upon the Antarctic ice, leaving you
} with hundreds of thousands of giant mutant icechucks.  Ice gnawed by
} these creatures would break loose, float north to warmer climates, and
} melt.  If enough ice is dislodged, coastal areas could be flooded.  The
} question is, how much ice would these icechucks chuck?


821-09    (guFqc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you've failed the Turing Test.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn Kaplan..."guaranteed higher scores" they said...I'll prove them
} wrong...<sound of shotgun being cocked>.


821-10    (foFwd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I ask you this humble question - "How are
> ball-bearings made?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First you find a ball.  Any ball will do, but you might prefer one
} no smaller than a softball.  Then pick any four sides.  The choice
} is yours.  On one side write the letter "N", on another the letter
} "S", on the third the letter "W" and on the fourth the letter "E".
} There you have it.  Then anytime you throw, bounce, toss, roll or
} whatever, that ball, you will forever know that ball's bearings.


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