[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:50:43 GMT

Internet Oracularities #822

Goto:
822, 822-01, 822-02, 822-03, 822-04, 822-05, 822-06, 822-07, 822-08, 822-09, 822-10


Internet Oracularities #822    (117 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 15 Mar 1996 10:19:11 -0500 (EST)

@@@ Yea, verily, the spirit of the Oracle did descend unto me, and did
@@@ speaketh into mine ear,
@@@
@@@    "Psst, bud, why's everyone calling me the 'Usenet' Oracle?  I'm
@@@     bigger than Usenet.  E-mail, news, the Web, FTP ... you name it,
@@@     I'm there.  Tell `em to call me the 'Internet Oracle'."
@@@
@@@ And so it shall be done.
@@@
@@@              -=-=-=-=-=-=-   -=-=-=-=-=-=-   -=-=-=-=-=-=-
@@@
@@@ To celebrate the Oracle's new moniker, I'm sponsoring a contest with
@@@ prizes for the two authors of the highest rated Oracularity in each of
@@@ the next two digests, #823 and #824.  After the votes are in on each
@@@ of those digests, 5 digests later, the Oracularity's supplicant and
@@@ incarnation will be offered a copy of the LifeView software collection
@@@ of Internet humor, including some classic Oracularities.  Also, if
@@@ they wish, the winners will be announced here.
@@@
@@@ The prizes are made available courtesy of Henry Cate III
@@@ <cate3@netcom.com> and Cate3's Classic Comedy [PO Box 3179; Santa
@@@ Clara, CA 95055; (800)815-4335].  LifeView is a set of 3.5" floppy
@@@ disks for Windows 3.1 or higher with presentation and search
@@@ capabilities for about 10 megabytes of humor culled from various
@@@ Usenet newsgroups over the years.
@@@
@@@                                               Steve Kinzler

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   822
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

822  117 votes rzrm6 awLo4 9uBz6 6nAso hoDpc 9nNt7 8doFv 5dyFo atGnd 6oBuk
822   3.1 mean  2.5   2.8   3.0   3.4   2.9   3.0   3.6   3.6   3.0   3.3


822-01    (rzrm6 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what's the best place to meet someone for a profitable, long-lasting,
> enjoyable relationship?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What are you in for?
}
} You owe The Oracle a nailfile and a bar of dark coloured soap.


822-02    (awLo4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gracious Oracle, your benevolence is astonishing, your wisdom is
> astounding.  I am in awe of you
>
> Why doesn't England just get rid of that embarrassing monarchy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is simply an example of the "Not In My Backyard" principle.  Quite
} frankly no one likes to have deposed or disposed of monarchies in their
} backyard.  Look at the trouble the US had over that Shah fellow from
} Iran.  In many ways, the monarchy is like a land fill site.  Allow me
} to enumerate:
}
} Five Reasons Why a Monarchy is Like a Landfill
} ----------------------------------------------
}
} 1.  Everyone should go at least once.  Otherwise you never really
}     believe what they look like on TV.
}
} 2.  People are always amazed at how much stuff there is around the
}     place.  And most of it looks old or likely to fall apart.
}
} 3.  They usually put a big fence around and guards to keep people from
}     sneaking in or out.  (But always ask yourself, "Who would want to?"
}
} 4.  The goverment pretends that they control how much money goes into
}     one, but the truth is you give them as much money as they want just
}     to keep them from giving you a bad name.
}
} 5.  Everyone thinks it's a nifty idea to have one unless they're
}     footing the bill or the damn thing lives too close to home.


822-03    (9uBz6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The correct question (to your answer, in "Jeopardy!" format) is:
} What did the Buddhist monk say to the mime?
}
} You owe the Oracle a hearing aid.  I fear I may not have heard you
} correctly.


822-04    (6nAso dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Oracle!
>
> Vinnie the Squid was visiting with the Padrone yesterday with
> what appeared to be a terrible problem:  he can no longer make
> the nut on his payoffs.  I wasn't in the room, but the word
> on the street is that Vinnie was in a very bad way.  The Padrone,
> seeing as Vinnie is married to his wife's cousin and the fact
> that Vinnie is a made man, was naturally very concerned for
> Vinnie.
>
> Now usually, a bookie can't make the nut, he's been giving bad
> odds or skimming too much and spending it on booze or drugs or,
> heaven forbid, he's got troubles collecting on his debts.  These
> things happen sometimes and we know how to handle them.  A few
> boys pay a call, and debts get paid.  Likewise, if it's booze
> or drugs, the same boys pay a different kind of visit.  Anyway,
> Vinnie's been bookmaking for something like 17 years and never
> had these kind of problems.  Like I said, he's a made man and
> very respectful to the Padrone and the family.
>
> So naturally, the Padrone can't understand what the problem is.
> Well, it takes a while for the story to come out, but apparently
> Vinnie's been on the Internet of all things and is trying to
> expand his business.  It all looks good for a couple of months until
> he starts getting the most amazing bets made by some guy called
> Orrie.  100 to 1 odds.  500 to 1 odds.  Simply amazing bets.
>
> But you know, this Orrie guy, he knows his stuff.  He always wins.
> And poor Vinnie, he tries to keep up with it for a while but he
> figures the guy's on a streak and he takes one last bet to try to
> catch up for all the payoff's he's been making.
>
> Well, you know the rest of the story.  At any rate, it turns out
> the Padrone's connected, right?  He's HEARD of this Orrie guy.  It
> turns out he goes way back.  He had some kind of scam going on in Italy
> a while back.  Get this:  the guy's omniscient.  He KNOWS how the bets
> are gonna turn out BEFORE they happen.
>
> So, the Padrone, on the account of Vinnie being married to family
> and all, takes on the debt.  Vinnie owes him a small favor but that's
> another story.  The Padrone calls me into his office, explains the
> situation, and asks me personally to come talk to you.
>
> What it comes down to is that the Padrone would like you to forget
> about the money.  It's a family thing.  You do this favor for the
> Padrone and some day the Padrone does a favor for you.  I'm sure
> an omniscient guy like you can understand.
>
> Whaddaya say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In fact, The Oracle was performing a service for his friend the
} Padrone, by showing him that this gnocchi-for-brains Vinnie the Squid
} should not be allowed to make book, 'cause he was too soft on the
} suckers.  If Vinnie had had the ounce of sense that Dio gave to a
} pesce, Vinnie would have tried to muscle up this "Orrie" for his
} system.  (Of course it would'nt have worked, but you see my point.)
} Tell Mr. Graciella, uh, I mean "Mr. Smith" that the debt is forgiven,
} with no harm done.  (Besides, The Oracle has plenty of money for the
} moment, been having some fun with selling short calls on the options
} exchange, you should see the SEC squirm!)
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing, just take your horse's head and leave.


822-05    (hoDpc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (test)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the sky really blue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's recovering from an unhappy love affair.


822-06    (9nNt7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, who is quite simply super-duper smart
>
> I was reading in this book I found in my hotel room about three wise
> men who brought gifts to a baby in a manger.  You were not mentioned by
> name, but I assume you were one of these wise men and I was wondering
> which gift you brought the baby?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That book in the hotel room doesn't tell the whole story.
}
} In actual fact, there were FOUR wise men.  Yes, I was the fourth.
} But I didn't go traipsing in with those other guys with their gold,
} frankincense, and myrrh.  I waited till they'd gone, and then persuaded
} the baby's mother that the kid had no earthly use for that kind of
} rubbish, and she'd be much better off if she traded them to me in
} exchange for a dozen packages of disposable diapers.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the original King James edition, before
} that bit got taken out.


822-07    (8doFv dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Huh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I SAID, "THAT'S NOT WHERE THE SUPPOSITORY GOES".


822-08    (5dyFo dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, all-powerful, politician-squashing Oracle:
>
> The voices is my head left me recently, and I've been lonely without
> them.  I've asked in the lost and found departments of several
> stores, but the salespeople just stared at me.  How do I get my voices
> back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant, please tell me you have checked the classified ads
} already?  Everybody knows that voices usually apply for work there.
} Here's a few I took from my morning copy of Delphi Times.
}
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} DEEP THROATY VOICE seeks head to occupy and lavish with words of
} self-loathing and doubt.  Is good with angst, dejection, pain,
} misery and small animals.  No smokers.  555-2626
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} SMALL, WHIMPERING NASAL TONE desires young child's head to reside
} within and suggest interesting ways to seek revenge against the
} local oppressors.  Extensive firearm and power tool knowledge
} available, leave message at 867-5309.
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} SPIRIT OF A LONG DEAD ANCIENT CHINESE GOD seeks mortal to
} reincarnate within to resume the plans for domination of mankind.
} Am good with lightning and tsunamis.  We'll contact you.
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} VOICE OF REASON, recently deposed from previous housing, looking
} for person with doubt to help soothe anxieties and guide in life.
} Past experience and resume available upon demand.  Leave voicemail
} at 411-7734.
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle 25 cents for the paper.


822-09    (atGnd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Had your name changed huh?
>
> Who are you trying to hide from? :)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um, no.
} I think you have the wrong guy, actually.
} I'm me. Always have been.
} Check my papers. They're all in order.
} Honest.
} It's just a hobby of mine to turn my head fast when I hear the name
} Harvey. No name changes. Not at all.
} You can even check my Omnipotent Oracle job application; it's on file.
} Really.
} Trust me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better Witness Relocation Program.


822-10    (6oBuk dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, please tell me where in the holy Cyber does February
> 29 hide during 1997.1998, and 1999?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As the Oracle is sure you know, compression techniques have been
} dramatically improved over the last few years.  We can now store what
} used to take up gigabytes on megabytes, and so on.  What is happening
} to February 29th, is that it's only allowed to be uncompressed every
} four years, otherwise the calendar runs out of space, and time comes to
} a standstill.  It's still there the rest of the time, just compressed
} down to 24 nanoseconds between February 28th and March 1st.
}
} You owe The Oracle a month of Sundays.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org