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24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 9:32:23 GMT

Internet Oracularities #823

Goto:
823, 823-01, 823-02, 823-03, 823-04, 823-05, 823-06, 823-07, 823-08, 823-09, 823-10


Internet Oracularities #823    (114 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 20 Mar 1996 11:46:46 -0500 (EST)

@@@ Yea, verily, the spirit of the Oracle did descend unto me, and did
@@@ speaketh into mine ear,
@@@
@@@    "Psst, bud, why's everyone calling me the 'Usenet' Oracle?  I'm
@@@     bigger than Usenet.  E-mail, news, the Web, FTP ... you name it,
@@@     I'm there.  Tell `em to call me the 'Internet Oracle'."
@@@
@@@ And so it shall be done.
@@@
@@@              -=-=-=-=-=-=-   -=-=-=-=-=-=-   -=-=-=-=-=-=-
@@@
@@@ To celebrate the Oracle's new moniker, I'm sponsoring a contest with
@@@ prizes for the two authors of the highest rated Oracularity in each of
@@@ the next two digests, #823 and #824.  After the votes are in on each
@@@ of those digests, 5 digests later, the Oracularity's supplicant and
@@@ incarnation will be offered a copy of the LifeView software collection
@@@ of Internet humor, including some classic Oracularities.  Also, if
@@@ they wish, the winners will be announced here.
@@@
@@@ The prizes are made available courtesy of Henry Cate III
@@@ <cate3@netcom.com> and Cate3's Classic Comedy [PO Box 3179; Santa
@@@ Clara, CA 95055; (800)815-4335].  LifeView is a set of 3.5" floppy
@@@ disks for Windows 3.1 or higher with presentation and search
@@@ capabilities for about 10 megabytes of humor culled from various
@@@ Usenet newsgroups over the years.
@@@
@@@                                               Steve Kinzler

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   823
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

823  114 votes 6nyyh 9puxh 7sDsc lyEg3 4dlvJ dghAw 8lmGl 1qCCb 8HOa3 4mAEc
823   3.2 mean  3.3   3.2   3.1   2.5   3.9   3.5   3.4   3.3   2.6   3.3


823-01    (6nyyh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have 2 dollars, 3 boxes of macaroni and cheese, and 5 cans of beer.
> This must last me 2 full weeks.  How will I survive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > I
}
} You have 2 dollars, 3 boxes of macaroni and cheese, and 5 cans of beer.
}
} > LOOK AT CALENDAR
}
} Your calendar reminds you that it is two full weeks until you are next
} paid.
}
} > BUY LOTTERY TICKET
}
} You run down to the lottery office, and purchase a ticket.  This has
} cost you two dollars.  Looking closely at the ticket, the fine print
} tells you that the lottery will be drawn in exactly two weeks time.
}
} > TRY AGAIN
}
} Sorry, I don't know how to TRY.
}
} > RESTART
}
} You scored 0 points out of a possible 100.
} ***
}
} You have 2 dollars, 3 boxes of macaroni and cheese, and 5 cans of beer.
} Your calendar reminds you that it is two full weeks until you are next
} paid.
}
} > GO TO CASINO
}
} You catch a cab to the casino.
} The taxi fare is $2.00
}
} > RESTART
}
} You scored 0 points out of a possible 100.
} ***
}
} You have 2 dollars, 3 boxes of macaroni and cheese, and 5 cans of beer.
} Your calendar reminds you that it is two full weeks until you are next
} paid.
}
} > LOOK
}
} You see a room.  Possible exits are East - to a very high cliff.
}
} > JUMP OFF CLIFF
}
} I don't see any 'cliff' here.
}
} > EAST
}
} You walk east.  On the way a Pizza Hut delivery van swerves to miss an
} old lady walking on the road.  It crashes into a telegraph pole at
} speed.  The back door of the van flings open and 14 pizzas fly out the
} back, and land neatly in a stack at your feet.  The van driver,
} miraculously uninjured, runs away to get help.  You are feeling hungry.
}
} Thank you for playing.  You have scored 100 points out of a possible
} 100.
}
} > HOORAY!!
}
} Sorry, your only options at this point are Restart, Quit, or Load.
}
} You owe the Oracle a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.


823-02    (9puxh dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who can I contact (e-mail preferably or snail mail) who can attest
> to the degree of recovery (motility and strength) of the knee after
> anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) replacement surgery (arthroscopic
> surgery usually performed because of athletic injuries)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tonya Harding.
}
} You owe the Oracle someone kneedy.


823-03    (7sDsc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what are little boys made of??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} in that the animal rights movement has protested the use of puppy dogs
} tails and snips have been found to be carcinogenic, boys are now 94%
} snail, 6 % polyester.


823-04    (lyEg3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@cs.mcgill.ca

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         I wonder why the red colour is called red and not blue?
>                                 (mother and daughter)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} (Noting the spelling of the word "colour", the Internet Oracle enters
} Monty Python mode release 1.1)
}
} You vacuous twit! Of course it is called red, that is because it isn't
} blue. It is different than blue...the wavelength of the reflected light
} is commonly called red. It is a human convention. Perhaps the colour
} could have been called Senatorexonfartblast or perhaps
} Doleboringdeadsoon, but if it were so designated *that* and blue was
} called
} Forbesweirdbulgingeyes the names still wouldn't be interchangeable.
}
} Good night and have a wonderful Buchnananclosetpantysniffer.
}
} (Remarkable how it starts to sound like Welsh!)


823-05    (4dlvJ dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 1. P-K4

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On a midnight, dark and dreary, as I pondered weak and weary,
} Over many quaint and curious questions asked the night before.
} As I nodded, nearly sleeping, from my terminal I heard a beeping
} Consciousness upon me creeping--something I couldn't just ignore.
} "'Tis a suplicant," I muttered, "mailing me and nothing more."
}                          These endless questions are such a bore.
}
} Ah, how well I remember it was in bleak September,
} When each and every University let in Freshmen by the score.
} I wished for a month anew, when the users would have a clue,
} But there's nothing I can do--To answer their questions I'd swore.
} To this cursed and boring job of answering questions I had swore--
}                                 How could I know what lay in store?
}
} I took a peek at the screen, and saw what I'd foreseen.
} Surely there is nothing that can surprise me anymore.
} I take a breath, and exhale. The screen now reads, "You have new mail."
} Always this without fail--I hit a key to see more
} So I could once again return to sleep, therefore,
}                             I hurried to finish this stupid chore.
}
} The message filled me with a sense of dread, "P-K4" is all it said!
} Stupid questions like this I had received before.
} This question was quite lame, He thinks this is all a game.
} They are all just the same, It is all such a bore.
} "'Tis some clueless suplicant who I can safely ignore.
}                              'Tis this and nothing more."
}
} As I settled back to sleep, yet again I heard a beep!
} Indeed, it was the same question I got before!
} I was now quite perturbed, this suplicant was quite disturbed,
} His actions must be curbed, before he sends any more!
} I now felt an anger that permeated my very core.
}                              Indeed, I was now quite sore.
}
} I felt a need to punish someone, so the suplicant I did summon.
} And appeared a stately woodchuck, whose name I do deplore.
} There before me was where he stood, I screamed as loud as I could.
} In defiance he chucked some wood--Wood that used to be my chamber door.
} Quickly I dodged aside and was missed narrowly by my chamber door.
}                              Quoth the woodchuck, "P-K4."
}
} "Marmot!" said I, "thing of evil!--Marmot still if not a devil!--
} Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
} Leave now and leave no token of that which you have spoken!
} Leave my belongings unbroken, you who would bust up my chamber door!
} Take thyself from my room, and take thy form from off my door!"
}                              Quoth the woodchuck, "P-K4."
}
} And the woodchuck, never quitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
} On the piece of wood that used to be my chamber door.
} And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon that is dreaming,
} And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor.
} And so depressed I was, knowing that I shall nevermore
}                              Know the meaning of "P-K4!"


823-06    (dghAw dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Would you give me some reasons why "Internet Oracle" is better than
> "Usenet Oracle"?  I am having problems reconciling the new name.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh hullo, supplicant. Zadoc the Priest here. I'm afraid our
} Cyberpresent Master can't come to the console just now, so you'll have
} to make do with me if that's all right.
}
} This matter of the correct terminology for addressing our Master has
} turned into a major controversy here within the Church of the Usenet
} Oracle <tm>, or should I say Church of the Internet Oracle <tm> (either
} way, all holy writings are subject to copyright). Even the debates over
} how many woodchucks could be made to dance on the head of a pin and
} whether Miss Lisa, the Divine Adoratrice, has her virginity magically
} restored each day were as nothing compared to this.
}
} It all started, as you probably know, with Saint Steve retiring to the
} wilderness and hearing the voice of our Master in a vision (can you
} hear visions? Oh well, you know what I mean). Others say our Master
} just phoned him up one night last week and said he fancied a change of
} name. Anyway, when Saint Steve announced the monumental event to a
} gathering of the faithful, a faction within the priesthood, backed by
} conservative Bible-belt supplicants, claimed that any change to the
} scripture was blasphemous, as it implied that our Toticognizant Master
} can't have been omniscient when he chose the previous name if it was
} now necessary to change it. Feelings ran high and some pretty
} intemperate words were exchanged. Darkmage declared that if this change
} was pushed through, he would secede and set up a separate, vowel-free
} Oracle in Poland. Saint Steve had him arrested for doctrinal and
} political incorrectness.
}
} Stenor now announced that, after all the trouble he had setting up the
} Usenet Oracle Resource Index on the Web, he was damned if he was going
} to change the name now. He fled the meeting and barricaded himself and
} a number of followers up at PC-Net to fight off any attempts to gain
} control of the Web site. The Venerable Ray Moody, David Sewell and
} others lead an attack on the place, and retook it after bitter
} fighting. Meanwhile, I've been detailed to man this station to prevent
} any attempt by heterodox factions at gaining control here. It's all
} very harrowing. I mean, how can you tell who's on your side and who
} isn't?
}
} Where's our Master during all of this, you're probably asking. Well, he
} emerged from his meditations with Miss Lisa, the Divine Adoratrice,
} briefly this morning, said "Now we'll see who the true believers are"
} and disappeared again. He hasn't been seen since this enigmatic
} utterance. It's very unnerving when he tests our faith in this way, but
} we must do our best to be true to our consciences, is what I say.
}
} So, as you've probably gathered, I've thrown in my lot with Saint Steve
} and the Progressive faction, which comprises the majority of the
} priesthood. I find the suggestion that our Master's powers should be
} confined to just one small segment of The Net somehow demeaning and
} smacking of heresy. Okay, so "Internet Oracle" is a bit less euphonious
} than "Usenet Oracle". By the same token, "Jehovah" is a bit less
} euphonious than "Gary", but that's no reason to use the latter, is it?
}
} So, in honor of the new orthodoxy, I have been devising a prayer while
} I sit here clutching my automatic rifle and hoping I won't have to use
} it before this schism is healed. It goes like this (you can join in if
} you like):
}
}     Our Oracle
}     That art in Cyberspace
}     Emailed be thy name.
}     Thy news be read
}     On IRC as it is in gophers.
}     Give us our daily FTP downloads
}     And forgive us our archie and Veronica accesses.
}     For thine is the HTML,
}     The TCP and the IP
}     For ever and ever,
}     Web without end.
}     Amen.
}
} You owe the Oracle your blind, unquestioning devotion. As do we all.
} Amen.


823-07    (8lmGl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: <@ig4.att.att.com:m.scott.forbes@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I see your idiot management has finally gotten around to
} downsizing you out of existence.  Poor Supplicant.  Time to start
} looking for work elsewhere.
}
} One of the hardest things about being a professional geek is
} determining what a new workplace will be like BEFORE committing.
} Everybody is polite and upbeat during the job interview-- nobody ever
} says, "Well, actually, this is a terrible place to work."  So how do
} you avoid the woofers?
}
} Here are some things to keep in mind:
}
} Compute the DILBERT COEFFICIENT: the fraction of all wall postings
} that are Scott Adams cartoons.  The closely related DILBERT DENSITY is
} simply the average number of Scott Adams cartoons posted per square
} meter.
}
} Many companies have an undefined Dilbert coefficient, as the employees
} are not allowed to post ANYTHING where they work.  Avoid contact with
} these companies, as their employees have a regrettable tendency to
} come to work with a sack of "curtain rods" and blaze their way onto
} the front page.
}
} Companies with a high Dilbert coefficient are a little better-- the
} company is bureaucratic and inflexible, but at least people haven't
} lost their sense of humor about it.  Watch for repeated strips-- if
} two cubes in close proximity have the SAME CARTOON posted in each,
} examine it closely.  (The Sunday strip about the new engineer hanging
} herself is posted in at least three places on my incarnations' floor.)
}
} The only places I have ever seen low Dilbert coefficients are
} laboratories and schools, and that's only because their LARSON
} COEFFICIENTS are so damn high.
}
} If proximity to hot marketing babes is a factor in your decision (not
} that it should be, unless you're the sort of weirdo who hangs out in
} those Times Square operations where there's a thick sheet of
} bulletproof glass between you and a naked woman,) beware the CATHY
} COEFFICIENT.
}
} If your potential boss has a nonzero TIRED XEROXLORE DATING BACK TO
} THE 50s COEFFICIENT then run, not walk, to the nearest exit.  Ditto
} for the PEANUTS COEFFICIENT.  The JOHNNY HART COEFFICIENT is a little
} harder to interpret-- in general, B.C. and The Wizard of Id are good
} signs only if you enjoy playing golf.  I have only heard urban legends
} about the FAMILY CIRCUS COEFFICIENT and they all end in axe murders.
} The ZIPPY COEFFICIENT and TOM TOMORROW COEFFICIENT indicate a company
} in serious trouble-- short their stock.
}
} Advertisements for the company's competitors are usually a good sign--
} especially if they're snide.  Adverts for the company itself imply the
} bosses enjoy egregious butt-kissing, and like to leave their office
} doors open when they're making some poor marketer go down on them.
}
} Adverts for vendors (I.E.  the SGI dinosaur poster in a software
} company) are good news if there are any signs that the company uses
} the vendor's products.  (An SGI dino poster in the cube of a man with
} a vt100 on his desk is one of the saddest sights in the world.  I
} usually give 'em a few quarters and maybe some old clothes.)
}
} Watch desks for the GREATEST DAD IN THE WORLD MUG COEFFICIENT, which
} indicates how many old, pathetic losers you'll have to work with.  You
} do want a high PROMOTIONAL MUG COEFFICIENT, because that means you'll
} also gets lots of T-shirts and do trade show junket runs.  The OPEN
} MANUALS COEFFICIENT isn't all that useful-- if it's low, it may just
} be that people are too stupid to understand the documentation, and if
} it's high, it could be that everybody has to use really bad products.
} A high ENGRAVED LUCITE BLOCK GIVEN IN LIEU OF A PROMOTION OR RAISE
} COEFFICIENT means that you should stay away unless you plan to retire
} in a few years anyway.  WIRED COEFFICIENT good, MONDO 2000 COEFFICIENT
} bad. Finally, unless you have a hell of a lot more fun talking about
} asynchronous transcript allocation bandwidth modulation than I do,
} flee the measurable STAR TREK MOUSE PAD COEFFICIENT.


823-08    (1qCCb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> rcl, th mst wndrfl thng n th nvrs, pls hlp m.  ll
> th vwls n my kybrd r brkn.  Wht shld  d?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10. Move to Poland.
}  9. Get a new keyboard.
}  8. Cut-and-paste from old Word documents.
}  7. ALT-6-5 is 'A'. Go from there.
}  6. Tell everyone you're protesting the CDA.
}     " cn't sy 'fck' wtht vwls! H H H!"
}  5. Kill yourself. No, really.
}  4. YCTWJFLWV. INAEAIL,T.
}  3. Take a ball-peen hammer and destroy all the consonants, for
}     symmetry.
}  2. If you'd like to buy a vowel, that'll be $250.
}  1. B3 31337, D00D!


823-09    (8HOa3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh geat oracle of sports why do men like golf

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They don't really, they just claim to.  In actuality, it is just an
} excuse to suck up to the boss or clients.  You see, it started as a
} gentleman's game long ago, and was played only by the upper class.
} Then the lower-class types took up the game so they could have a chance
} to shmooz with the bigwigs.  This practice continues today.
}
} By the way: back then it was called "flog", which is much more
} descriptive of the game, really.  But an impatient typesetter spelled
} it backwards in the newspaper, and the new name caught on for some
} reason.
}
} You owe The Oracle a pair of monogrammed balls.  No, I mean... Oh,
} never mind.


823-10    (4mAEc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh wise and glorious Oracle, who knows all sorts of groovy
> stuff,
>
> What's the current line up of net.gods in net.olympus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You want to know *ALL* of them?  This would have been an easy question
} to answer before deregulation, but nowadays . . .   well, what say we
} compromise, and I'll just list for you all the net.gods that you're
} likely to run into:
}
} Alt
}   God of anarchy, also of phone sex lines.  Feared by many mortals, but
}   protection from Alt is available in the form of a rare amulet bearing
}   the mystic inscription, "rmgroup".
}
} Abort, Retry, Fail, and Ignore.
}   The four heads of a fierce, dragonlike creature that flies through
}   air and circuitry with equal ease.  Dines solely upon magnetic media.
}
} Aoleus
}   Beware this god of things that blow.  Succumb not to the temptation
}   of ten free hours of his tepid breeze.
}
} Csh, Tcsh, and Bash
}   These Czech triplets are the gods of sofas, couches, and davenports,
}   respectively.  Csh and Tcsh eat dinner at 6pm, while Bash eats dinner
}   at noon on Sunday.
}
} Kermes  (Latin name: Kermit)
}   Messenger of the gods.  This is why the net is in the shape it's in
}   today.
}
} Lisa
}   Trust me, she's a goddess.
}
} Protectio Faultus
}   God of shoddy craftsmanship.  Received the honorary rank of General,
}   but no one knows why.


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