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Internet Oracularities #824

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824, 824-01, 824-02, 824-03, 824-04, 824-05, 824-06, 824-07, 824-08, 824-09, 824-10


Internet Oracularities #824    (130 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 26 Mar 1996 12:30:42 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   824
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

824  130 votes mzIm7 xMBb1 8zCCb 5fMCo 5hoAM hRFg3 9CKod 3dQHj 7oTya ctQx4
824   3.0 mean  2.7   2.2   3.1   3.5   3.8   2.5   3.0   3.5   3.1   2.9


824-01    (mzIm7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: <@ig4.att.att.com:m.scott.forbes@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, please tell me who I am.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm still working on _what_.


824-02    (xMBb1 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" <amg@pobox.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most definatly do, but only on odd seconds, and 3 times apiece.
} If the pangalatic gargleblasters get in the way, I can take care
} of them.  Use only 72% muna hydrotic sulfate, and atleast .06%
} lonnietort zilchwat.  Also, on alternate uses, use 5.3% cendrel zornk,
} replacing the 5.3% xeron alcow.  When finished, be sure to remodulate
} the plasma coils and such, and cover up your work with a tuzkwalp
} mortinoodle (TM).  After the deed is done, please inichiate the
} selfdestruct system, as to prevent all things such as hidden Querena
} Alpha cameras and its like, but use your special oracle-manufactored
} joquer lemur escape module.  That should do it.  As for your other
} questions, no, I do not keep hungry walruses in my cumquat salad,
} yes, dead penguins of the Beta Loreta galaxy are great for the game
} of pwomart, and finally, only sometimes do telephones spontaniously
} try to strangle republican canidates.


824-03    (8zCCb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gratest of all great oracles,  would you happen to know another
> listserver adress that had "letteman's top ten" list on them?  I tried
> listserv@listserv.clark.net and they do not have that list any more.
> I also can't use the www so any adress you give me there will not help.
> Thank you oh great oracle for your help and time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why bother with that gap-toothed New Yorker, when you can get top ten
} lists from yours truly?  I have produced classics like 137-05, 308-03,
} 393-05, 568-01, and 569-10!  Now, here's one more for you:
}
} TOP TEN REASONS THE INTERNET ORACLE BEATS THE PANTS OFF LETTERMAN
} ----------------------------------------------------------------
} 10. They were on fire.
}  9. Supplicant grovels are way more entertaining than stupid people
}     tricks.
}  8. I'm smart enough to not let Madonna in in the first place.
}  7. My band can play symphonic music.
}  6. I don't have to negotiate with television networks.
}  5. Indiana is a MUCH nicer place than New York.
}  4. I have bulging muscles.  Need I say more?
}  3. Women adore me (see #4).
}  2. My language is not limited by any @#$*%?! broadcast code (just a
}     @#$*%?! Internet Decency Act).
}
} And the #1 reason I beat the pants off of David Letterman is:
}
}  1. *I* am funny!
}
} You owe David Letterman a tube of tooth-gap filler and some better
} writers.


824-04    (5fMCo dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle so good and wise
> hear my plaintive, puny cries.
> I have no sense of smell, you see
> and here is what that means to me.
>
> I can clean up cat poop quick,
> there are no smells that make me sick.
> The trouble is I can not cook.
> I have to follow close the book.
>
> I love my husband lots, you see
> and want to feed him treats from me.
> but guessing spices is my fate
> which risks disaster on a plate.
>
> Food is all consistency
> at least it seems that way to me.
> Crunchy, soft, complex or plain,
> to me most flavors are the same.
>
> Oh Oracle who knows it all
> (I know this is an order tall).
> How can this poor girl learn to make
> feasts of food for her poor mate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I know full well, dear scentless one,
} a gourmet kitchen's hard to run.
} It's not the proper place to be
} when taste's a scarce commodity.
}
} If in other ways he can be pleased,
} you could just feed him MREs,
} but if you can't, here are some tips
} to satisfy your husband's lips:
}
} Above all else, ask what he wants.
} He may not care for elephants.
} He may prefer a steak or ham
} or might despise the taste of yams.
}
} The color is important too
} especially if it's something new.
} His response won't be surprising
} If it looks unappetizing.
}
} Start with things you know he likes
} and serve just one new dish each night.
} That way, your hubby's satisfied
} no matter what strange thing you've tried.
}
} These little hints should help a bit
} to keep your fella's taste buds lit.
} If it doesn't work, as a last resort
} buy Tabasco by the quart.


824-05    (5hoAM dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@cs.mcgill.ca

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr, Oracle, sir,
>
> I've been really, really bored lately.  I mean we're talking some
> serious boredom here.  I'ts like I'm just tired of everything in life.
> Nothing excites me like it used to.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            TOP ONE-HUNDRED FIFTY THINGS TO DO WHEN BORED
}                      (in no particular order)
}
} Quit your job.  Learn to ski.  Make a snowman.  Eat some turkey.  Run
} a marathon.  Play "Marathon."  Take a shower.  Shake a tower.  Play a
} game.  Play a wild game.  Play with wild game.  Make a lintman.  Fold.
} Spindle.  Mutilate.  Throw pencils at the acoustical tiles.  An
} "askme."  Ten "askmes."  A hundred "askmes."  Make a spamman.  Learn
} Bourne shell.  Learn Korn shell.  Learn elisp.  Learn TECO.  Port
} "wordstar" to a Cray.  Port "pong" to a SGI.  Procrastinate.
} Prognosticate.  Procreate.  Proliferate.  Proportionate.  Write a new
} operating system.  Market it.  Piss off Bill Gates.  Date a girl.
} Carbon-date a girl.  Date a boy.  Twister! (a Milton-Bradley game).
} Eat some Jello.  Trek Classic.  Trek: The Pepsi Generation.  Take a
} drink everytime Wesley saves the ship.  Nurse your hangover.
} Contemplate your navel.  Comprehend Andy Rooney.  Rhyme with "orange."
} Lambada!  Sing the lyrics to "Gilligan's Island" to the music of
} "Stairway to Heaven."  Write a complex simulation game where Sylvester
} Stallone and Douglas Hofstadter battle each other for domination of
} the universe.  Market it.  Piss off Bill Gates again.  Compare apples
} and oranges.  Circle the square.  Square the circle.  Solve the
} four-color map problem.  Explain "SeaQuest DSV."  Rent a movie.  Buy a
} movie.  Wonder why you buy movies when renting them is good enough.
} "Classic Transformers."  Enjoy it.  "Transformers Generation 2."  Toss
} your cookies.  Kill Garfield.  Kill President Garfield (time machine
} required).  Throw water balloons.  Throw syrup balloons.  Throw
} concrete balloons.  Eat some pizza.  Make some money.  Work.  Play.
} Be a dull boy.  Drink no tea.  Play NetHack 'till you have a "Hack
} attack."  Even more "askmes."  Join in the "UNIX" vs. "NT" flamewars.
} Join in the "Smalltalk" vs. "C++" flamewars.  Join in the "Big-endian"
} vs. "Little-endian" flamewars.  Join in the "Usenet Oracle"
} vs. "Internet Oracle" flamewars.  Get first aid.  Rollerblade.  Sex.
} Drugs.  Rock-n-roll.  Listen to rock-and-roll while stoned on drugs as
} you have sex on rollerblades.  E-mail.  IRC.  AOL (Just kidding). Swim
} to Japan.  Did we suggest: Lambada!  Ice hockey.  Street hockey.
} Cottage cheese hockey.  D&D.  R&R.  S&M.  P&Q.  Read a book.  Book a
} trip. Trip a man.  Man a ship.  Ship a package.  Fed-Ex yourself to
} Lithuania.  Find the "real" murderer.  Watch your TV.  Kill your TV.
} Home Shopping Network!!!  Run down the street, naked except for a pair
} of ruby slippers, yelling, "Toto! Toto!"  Let's all sing the Skittles
} Song!  Monty Python.  Monty Hall.  Dress up as your favorite character
} from "Friends."  Dress up as your favorite character from
} "Superfriends" (Form of... an ice jet!).  Start an argument.  Change
} sides.  Giggle uncontrollably.  Stretch.  Get a back massage.  Give a
} back massage.  Give a *yick* foot massage.  Denny's run!  Drive your
} car.  Drive your karma.  Call up Lamar! Alexander and ask if "Lou Zer"
} is there.  Go see "Ice Capades."  Fire drill.  Earthquake drill.
} Asteroid drill.  Ice-age drill.  Pat-Buchannon-becomes-President
} drill.  Yet more "askmes!"  Run.  Skip.  Jump.  Hopscotch.  Drink
} scotch.  Find a Scotch.  Find out what's under that kilt.  Find out if
} a guy in a bear suit can get a hug from a New York cabdriver.  Scream
} for ice cream.  Eat all thirty-one flavors.  Crank calls.  Disneyland!
} Top Ten lists.  Top One-hundred-fifty lists.  Count the number of
} times the word "Ice" has appeared in this list.  Make sure there are
} actually one-hundred fifty items here.  Turn off the computer.  Enjoy
} life.


824-06    (hRFg3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O overrated Oracle,
>
> When the swallows return to San Capistrano, do they bring anything with
> them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TOP 10 THINGS THE SWALLOWS OF SAN CAPISTRANO BRING WITH THEM:
} 10: A PowerBook 5300c, equipped with a cellular modem for those urgent
}    latnight Usenet Oracle queries.
} 9: One word: (actually, two) Cheez Whiz.
} 8: A radio, to listen to the rantings of their favorite AM radio
}    personalities.
} 7: _People_ magazine, to read on pit stops.
} 6: Heavy artillery. Don't mess with *these* birdies...
} 5: Anti-cat weaponry.
} 4: _Garfield_ books (see #7).
} 3: Boots with insulated soles (and you always wondered how they could
}    safely sit on power lines).
} 2: Sweaters. It can get *real* cold there in Capistrano.
} AND THE #1 THING THE SWALLOWS BRING IS...
} 1: Their teddy bears!
} You owe the Oracle a true love.


824-07    (9CKod dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Powerful Oracle, whose knowledge knows the limits of the known
> Universe because you Know All, please explain a vexing problem to me;
>
> I keep an open soda on my desk, right next to my computer and is
> sheilded from attack on two sides.  Why is it, then, whenever someone
> uses my phone, which, by the way, I do not like them doing, my soda
> gets spilled on top of useless documents?
>
> These documents are there just for the express purpose of catching
> spilled sodas.  They look important in the hopes that people will
> realize that maybe they should not get soiled and be a little bit more
> careful around my desk. Obviously, this is not the case.  Please tell
> me why this does insist upon occuring much more often than I deem
> necessary, and what further steps must I take to prevent this from
> occuring in the future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} You obviously fail to understand the quantum effects of all the
} electrons racing around inside your computer. The movement of all these
} particles warps space and also creates an inverse probability field
} which allows certain improbable events to become not only likely, but
} certain:
}
} 1) Sodas placed in the vicinity of the computer will undoubtedly spill
} and the soda will be attracted to the most important documents, the
} irreplaceable data disk, the keyboard, and even manage to enter your
} disk drives. If it is hot coffee, it will undoubtedly fall into your
} lap.
}
} 2) Call waiting will only activate in the middle of essential downloads
} and will only disconnect you when a someone else calls in and hooks
} directly into your account without a password. They will find and
} download your love letters to your significant other, and will post
} them to Usenet.
}
} 3. Cigarette ashes will always fall into your keyboard or on to
} unprotected disks.
}
} 4. Power surges will always occur when your computer is writing to your
} file allocation table.
}
} 5. If you drink flamable alcoholic beverages..stay away! They are
} attacted to your power supply and will cause a nasty fire.
}
} This is why you are forbidden to eat, smoke, or drink in most
} professional computer installations...now you know why.


824-08    (3dQHj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (Otis Viles)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                             Meaning of Life FAQ
}                             -------------------
}                        Created by The Internet Oracle
}                        Created: 4004 BC
}                        Last updated: 25th March 1996
}
} Q: How can I discover the meaning of life?
} A; Search for it.
}
} Q: Is the answer 42?
} A: No.
}
} Q: Does it have anything to do with Monty Python?
} A: No.
}
} Q: Is there a Web site I can browse?
} A: Yes, but it only contains pictures of nude women.
}
} Q: Is the answer within me?
} A: No, grasshopper. If you look within you, you'll only find bones,
}    blood and guts and stuff. Not very attractive and very messy.
}
} Q: Will it help if I read the Bible, Torah, Koran, Tripitaka, Ramayana,
}    Bagavad-gita, Khorda Avesta, Necromnicon or other book?
} A: Probably not, but it will keep you off my back for a while.
}
} Q: Has anyone ever discovered the meaning of life?
} A: Yes, of course I have.
}
} Q: Please tell me.
} A: No.
}
} Q; Awwwww.... go on, please?
} A: Oh okay, ask away.
}
} Q: What is the meaning of life?
} A: Read the FAQ.
}
} Q: While I'm here, is there life elsewhere in the Universe?
} A; Yes.
}
} Q: Does this explain Illinois?
} A: No.
}
} You owe the Oracle


824-09    (7oTya dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> so what do ya think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think I'm overworked.  I think that by and large, supplicants
} are getting far too flippant these days.  I think it's a royal
} shame that Pat Buchanan didn't win the Republican presidential
} nomination - that election would have been SO entertaining!  I
} think the cheese omelet I had for breakfast was a mistake.  I
} also think the milk was sour.  I think I'll fire the cook if
} this happens again.  I think it would be nice if people would
} just shut up about my recent name change.  I think it's MY name,
} and I'll do what I like with it.  I think "potted meat food
} product" is scary.  I think it only gets worse if you actually
} read the list of ingredients.  I think some people ask me
} questions which are entirely too vague.  I think a nice, hot
} bath would be nice, except I think that if I were to take such
} a bath, it would be constantly interrupted by a stream of
} overanxious supplicants.  I think the curtains are getting a
} bit old.  I think I'll have the living room redecorated.  I
} think it should be blue this time around.  I think I'll have to
} get new furniture to make that work.  I think the old stuff
} will be OK in the den.  I think the priests would appreciate
} the things that are in the den now.  I think the cheese omelet
} was a REALLY big mistake.  I think I've rambled on far too long.
} I think I've got to go now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a penny for his thoughts.


824-10    (ctQx4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whodunit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was forged through an illegal beta of Netscape and posted from a
} two-bit ISP in Chicago, through an anonymous remailer, through the
} cypher-punks list, to a nonexistent account in Connecticut.  The
} message was bounced from there, with a fake header, to an FTP-Usenet
} gateway in Norway, where it caused a short file, containing a WinWord
} macro virus,  to be sent to root@whitehouse.gov.
}
} When the file was opened the virus forced MS Mail to send PGP-signed
} messages to various directors of the CIA, who sent it down to several
} operatives countrywide, and  the cat did it, I think.
}
} It tends to get edgy in the dark.
}
} You owe the Oracle a packet sniffer.


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