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Internet Oracularities #825

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825, 825-01, 825-02, 825-03, 825-04, 825-05, 825-06, 825-07, 825-08, 825-09, 825-10


Internet Oracularities #825    (115 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 30 Mar 1996 10:26:02 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   825
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

825  115 votes 8DIk4 bJss3 auMi9 49GHh 8iwwp 6jPu9 gDyi8 9lGxa 6dGzj 5iwIg
825   3.1 mean  2.8   2.7   2.9   3.5   3.4   3.1   2.7   3.1   3.4   3.4


825-01    (8DIk4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hello oracle. could you please tell me the meaning of life?  and i
> would prefer if you did not tell me that the meaning of life is  asking
> the oracle questions on the internet or something.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To ask intelligent, witty questions humbly of the Usenet Oracle is not
} the meaning of life. It is the *purpose* of life. The meaning of life
} can be found in any dictionary, somewhere between 'lienholder' and
} 'lift.'
}
} You owe the Oracle a letter to your congressman asking him to close the
} loophole in the definition of life which allows woodchucks to exist
} tax-free.


825-02    (bJss3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Buddy, can you spare a dime?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, let's see ....
}
} <rattling of change in pocket>
}
} Well, no dimes, but I can give you these:
}
} - game token from Eddie's Arcade
} - 1984 Canadian penny flattened by locomotive
} - plastic disk marked "tuit"
} - pewter slug with a hole drilled through center
} - peppermint flavored condom wrapped in gold foil
} - fake U.S. quarter with both sides "heads"
} - Richard M. Nixon commemorative "wooden nickel"
} - Chicago Transit Authority "el" token
} - petrified coin-sized banana slice
} - "HypnoWheel" colored spinning disk
}
} Good luck, buddy.


825-03    (auMi9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most funky!
>
> My question is about the band, They Might Be Giants. Where did they get
> their name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was formed from an anagram of "Tiggy bit The Shamen". Tiggy, the
} Giants' Yorkshire Terrier and a good Catholic, confessed to this
} senseless act of violence by cutting out letters from the Portishead
} Advertiser and sticking them together. Dogs, not having opposable
} thumbs, find it difficult to use pens. Having never been taught
} proper English they also find it difficult to spell and although,
} against remarkable odds, Tiggy got all the right letters, he failed
} to put them in the right order and it actually came out "They Might
} Be Giants". Tiggy committed suicide later that evening, consumed by
} angst, and unforgiven.
}
} You owe the Oracle four green holes from the middles of jazz 78's.


825-04    (49GHh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is it that a cat always has to be on the other side of any door?
> When the cat is indoors, it's dying to go out.  When the cat is
> outdoors, it has to come in.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Sigh*.  You wouldn't believe how many questions arise from
} interspecies misunderstandings.  Let me quote you one...
}
} (translated from the original KittyUnicode character set...)
}
} >why is it that humans always screw up my experiments?  when I'm trying
} >to meow a door into splinters, the human always moves it out of the
} >way and won't replace it until I go to the other side...  then I have
} >to start over.
}
} It's all a matter of perspective.
}
} You owe the Oracle a TrueType font that supports the whole KittyUnicode
} character set.


825-05    (8iwwp dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I love him, yeah, yeah, yeah
> I love him, yeah, yeah, yeah
> I love him, yeah, yeah, yeah
> But does he love me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CAN'T ZOT YOU TWICE
} (from the album "A Hard Night's Zot")
}
} I'd zot you in the dark of night
} And in the light of day
} I've never missed a supplicant
} So you'd better start to pray.
} I can only zot you one time
} I can't zot you twice.
}
} Can't zot you twice
} Can't zot you twice
} Can't zot you twice
} Can't zot you twice.
}
} If I zot you once, my dear
} It'll give me such a thrill
} But if I zot you twice, my dear
} That's what I call overkill.
} I can only zot you one time
} I can't zot you twice.
}
} (Repeat chorus)
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} YOU'RE A CRISPY CRITTER
} (single version)
}
} How does it feel to be
} One of the supplicant
} Whiners?
}
} Thinking your song's original
} Blissful in what you thought
}
} And you've forgotten to grovel
} Now I say taste my ZOT!
}
} You're a crispy critter
} You're a crispy critter
} You've been violently squashed flat,
} At least you didn't ask about the woodchucks
} Thank God for that
} Thank God for that
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} A ZOT IN THE LIFE
} (from the album "Sgt. Oracle's Lonely Band of Priests")
}
} I read a question on my screen
} About a lonely girl who fell in love
} And though the question was okay
} I had to get my sta-aff
} I couldn't help but la-augh
}
} She had forgotten to grovel
} Perhaps she was just a clueless newbie
} But she had taken out her sig
} And so I realized
} I was going to have to zot yet another supplicant
}
} I see the question in my mind
} No grovel, does he love me, I love him
} A mortal might let it go by
} But I have zots to lob
} And that is my job
} I need to zot this one
}
} Hovered
} Over land
} Held the staff in my right hand
}
} Found the supplicant
} And raised my arms
} About to harm someone who didn't grovel
}
} Lightning flashed
} And thunder roared
} This never leaves me bored
}
} Swung my arms out wide and finished it
} And somebody else can take care of the ash
}
} I heard a question yesterday
} The lovely Lisa read it out to me
} And though she begged me not to zot
} My ears were burning hot
} So I grabbed my staff and then I let loose with a deadly shot
}
} I need to zot...this...one...
}
} (Orchestra crescendo, piano chord that fades out for several minutes)
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} These songs and many more are on the new "Oracle Anthology 2,"
} available wherever fine Internet Oracle products are sold.  (And
} remember, all Usenet Oracle merchandise is at least 40% off until we
} empty the warehouse.)


825-06    (6jPu9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Has anybody ever tried stuffing the ballot box when voting
> on the Oracularities Digest?  What would happen if someone
> did that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, yes, several people have tried that.  The most interesting case was
} that of one Mr. Samuel Supplicant [1], back in late 1993.  Desperate in
} his attempt to make the 4.0-point oracularity, Sam was engaging in all
} sorts of methods to make sure his luck was up:
}
}   * He sent out $5 to Dave Rhodes and friends to MAKE MONEY FAST!!!11!!
}   * He shipped off 10 copies of another chain letter to make sure he
}     could have GREAT CDA. [2]
}   * He went to Nieman Fields [3] to buy a cookie recipe for $250.
}     (Hey, it's easy once you've MADE MONEY FAST!!!11!!)
}   * He sent 230 get-well-soon cards to Craig Shergold.
}
} Unfortunately, he misaddressed the cards for Craig Shergold and left
} them next to the scanner hooked up to a machine with OCR software
} installed.  A freak power surge activated the scanner, reading the UPC
} code of the card into the machine and transferring the information into
} his account.
}
} The next day, Sam sent email to his girlfriend (who later dumped him,
} apparently because he kept bragging about his GREAT CDA), but a short
} in the keyboard caused him to include the scan of the UPC code in his
} email message.
}
} However, he mistyped his girlfriend's address, and the mail bounced
} back, with a copy to his postmaster.  The postmaster at his site, out
} for a week at Waikiki, set up his .forward file to send things to me
} (as if I didn't have enough to do already).  It seems, though, that
} some hacker, making a practical joke, changed that .forward file to
} send mail to oracle-votes rather than to me personally.  So, here
} "oracle-votes" was, receiving the string '1131541523', when Sam's
} oracularity happened to be the eighth one in the set being currently
} voted on.  In fact, because of a glitch in the system, the votes email
} address received the string sixty-seven times!
}
} Fortunately, that error, giving him a 4.3 rating, was discovered before
} those votes were released.  In fact, I'd have forgiven him if he hadn't
} also send 50 messages of his own ranking things '11111115111'.  I
} zotted the little creep.
}
} You owe the Oracle your talents as a postmaster for the next three
} months.
}
} [1] Name changed to protect the guilty scumbucket.  I'm feeling nice
}     today.
} [2] CDAm.  The gov't rewired my keyboard on me.  Where'd I leave that
}     *ZOT*?
} [3] Or was that Mrs. Marcus?


825-07    (gDyi8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O unsurpassed Oracle, who can smite a device while intimidating your
> cup, whose ear I am unworthy of kicking, whose tasty companion Lisa
> has pretty elbows, and who loves randomly generated grovels,
> why do foreign languages sound so funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Umblehay upplicantsay, hetay Racleoay greesay atthay oreignfay
} anguageslay oday oundsay rettypay unnyfay ncludingiay ourya
} oreignfay ialectday. *OTZAY* oreignerfay.


825-08    (9lGxa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [Priest's note: After the recent events in r.h.o.d, how could I resist
> selecting this one? - ID]
>
> Oracle Most Wise, tell me:
> How can I get in the Net a list of all Russian nouns (words)?
> I need it as ASCII file in cyrilic letters.
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course you do.  You're THAT sort of supplicant.
}
} Listen, do.  I'll tell you a little known secret, just because I'm in a
} good mood and Prometheus is still chained to that rock down there.
}
} There are no nouns in Russian.  All Russian words end with the verb
} "ski".  This is what makes the language so hard to learn--people are
} always moving or screaming or doing or talking or swimming or jumping
} or procreating or wobbling or chaffing or telling or quoting or
} raffling or flying or spitting or chewing or painting or troubling or
} jousting or stabbing or polluting or dribbling or chopping or foulling
} or composing or decomposing or parenting or quivering or phoning or
} destroying or lunching or swaggering or flouting or casting or cheating
} or accepting or blocking or building or shooting or billowing or
} baroquing or castaneting or pirrouting or repeating or repeating or
} listing or lisping or computing or responding or verbing or overdoing
} before you can finish one sentence in Russian since they think you are
} telling them to do something.
}
} Hence the name of the language, which describes the perpetual motion of
} its people.


825-09    (6dGzj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fruit-flavored Oracle, what are people who wear black nail polish
> *thinking*?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "I wish they put expiration dates on these bottles."
}
} You owe the Oracle a tube of 1954-vintage black lipstick.


825-10    (5iwIg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> here
>
> Mighty, powerful Oracle.  Your widsom astounds thousands.
> Please find it within your grasp to grant thee one humble
> question.
>
> Why do Yoda (Star Wars) and Grover (Sesame Street) sound
> identical?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There was a little flap when they were filming _The Empire
} Strikes Back_.  The puppeteers who were moving Yoda's mouth
} decided to have some fun, and made him say all kinds of rude
} things (not suitable for children's ears), instead of what
} was in the script.  Nobody else noticed until it came time
} to add the soundtrack, which of course ended up being
} completely out of sync with the puppet's mouth.
}
} Well, this left them in a bit of a pickle, but then one of
} the film crew, who had small children at home, observed that
} all the words used by Yoda were also spoken at one time or
} another by Grover.  So the sound mixers negotiated a license
} to use Grover's words, and obtained copies of the complete
} Sesame Street tapes.  They then cut and pasted all the words
} into the soundtrack.  In order to get the lip-sync right,
} they had to switch words around in several places, which is
} why Yoda in the wrong order with the words always talks.
}
} A few years later, when they started filming _Return of the
} Jedi_, the decision was made to keep the voice of Grover,
} and continue the word swaps, for the sake of continuity.
} They kept an eagle eye on the puppeteers, though.
}
} A Degoban grammar book the Oracle you owe.


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