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Internet Oracularities #826

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Internet Oracularities #826    (121 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 4 Apr 1996 12:14:57 -0500 (EST)

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   826
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

826  121 votes 8hIBf diwzn eHxr4 evLn6 9eGFf 5grOn huAoe mtEl9 cHJg5 5axNo
826   3.1 mean  3.3   3.3   2.7   2.8   3.3   3.6   2.9   2.7   2.7   3.6


826-01    (8hIBf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O all seeing, all knowing, all cooking, all eating oracle, whose
> tax returns are the very epitome of creative writing, please
> tell me...
>
> Why, if I send something by ship it is called a cargo, and if I
> take it myself in a car, it is called a shipment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The words "car" and "ship" are not in fact English words at all
} but corruptions from other languages.
}
} "Cargo" is the Latin "I get someone else to do it", regular first
} conjugation (Cargo, Cargat, Cargas, Cargamus, Cargatis, Cargant).
} It may be transitive or intransitive.
}
}   Virgil: "Mirabile dictu/omnes cargant."
}   tr.:    "Wonderful to tell/other people to do it."
}
} "Shipment" on the other hand is a corruption of the Old English
} "yshifman" (pl. "yshifmen"), earlier "beshifman", a man who other
} people get to do it, a man who takes all the "shif" - a word whose
} meaning we have yet to pin down, though it may be something to do
} with herrings.
}
}   Chaucer: He wolde neer pay ane to move his dung/
}            He was a verray confy yshifman.
}   tr.:     He would never let another flush his toilet,
}            He was always very pleased to do it himself.
}
} You owe the Oracle the meaning of "shif".


826-02    (diwzn dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are all my e-mail messages delayed 55 seconds before my
> computer finally sends them out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It takes that long to assemble the copy that gets sent
} to the National Security Agency.


826-03    (eHxr4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@cs.mcgill.ca

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise and prophetic ...
>
> when will the big one drop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When will the big one drop?  Geesh, you were responsible for knocking
} the poor girl up, and you can't even count to nine yourself, and you
} have the audacity to call her "The Big One"??
}
} My prediction is that she will "drop" on schedule, at approximately
} nine months from the date of conception.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book of names that does not include "Michael".


826-04    (evLn6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Masterful, Exalted, and Most High Groovy Dude,
>
> What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a good one for me to hand to my young assistant, Timmy.
} Common questions like these are a good practice exercise for him...
} ====
}
} Um, ok, let's see.
}
}       Vf = Vi + A*T
}       Vf = 0 (standing still) + (acceleration)*(time)
}       Vf = (muscle*wing tilt)*(time)
}
} Hmmm...muscle and wing tilt are dependant on breed.
}
} Um, Oracle, almighty Sir?
}
} "Yes, Timmy, what is it?"
}
} Well, I'm kind of stuck on this equation.  I need to know what breed
} the swallow is.  Is it African or European?
}
} *ZOT*
} ====
}
} There's just no way to find good help these days.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new assistant named Timmy.


826-05    (9eGFf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I receive Info about Germany's economics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go to the "Hole In The Wall" club in Austin, Texas on a Wednesday
} night.  At 11:30 p.m., go up to the bartendar and put a $20 bill in his
} tips jar.  Then say "The dog sleeps in Madonna's lap at midnight."  The
} bartendar will then reply "My cat is very afraid of you" and hand you
} an unmarked envelope. Inside you will find the address of a dark house.
} Go to this house and knock on the door three times.  Pause.  Then
} knock out the tune to the German National Anthem.  After the third
} stanza, the door will be opened by a weasly lookin man with a claw and
} an eyepatch.  He will ask you how you like your potatoes.  Tell him
} "Covered in gold coins."  DO NOT SAY "Covered in coins."  IF you say
} this, he will proceed to take you to a backroom where you will receive
} a VERY personal exam by a large woman named Helga.
}
} After saying the correct phrase, he will direct you to a room in the
} secret basement which will contain books about the history and economy
} of Germany. You will then have five hours to memorize any information.
} (You will, of course, be forced to remove all clothing before entering
} this room to insure complete security.)
}
} After five hours, the weasly man will open the door and direct you to a
} hidden tube.  Upon entering this tube, you will slide for about five
} minutes and be deposited outside of the state capitol.  You can find
} your clothes in the red trashcan that is next to the statue of the
} fireman.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete synopsis of the German economy.


826-06    (5grOn dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh, ineptitude plagued Oracle.
>
>   Tell me, will I EVER get a humourous answer to a question
> I submit, or am I doomed to forever receive insulting drivel?
>
>   Your deeply disheartened supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well everything's funny to *somebody*.  There are people on
} the net who think the "insulting drivel" you get is the best
} laugh they've had all week.  Apparently, one of the Priests
} mistakenly thought that you were one of those people.  Most
} likely because you kept coming back for more.
}
} Oh, wait a minute.  Here's the problem!  You didn't do all
} the paperwork.  All new supplicants are requested to fill in
} this form and mail it to oracle-register@cs.indiana.edu before
} requesting the Oracle's services.
}
} --------8<--Cut here-------------------------------------------
}
}                     THE INTERNET ORACLE
}               New Supplicant Registration Form
}
} Please answer all questions fully.
}
} SECTION I - PERSONAL INFORMATION
}
} 1a.  Name: _________________________________________________
}
} 1b.  Nickname: _____________________________________________
}
} 1c.  True Name: ____________________________________________
}
} 1d.  Net Persona: __________________________________________
}
} 1e.  Preferred Name: _______________________________________
}
} 2a.  E-mail address: _______________________________________
}
} 2b.  Sysadmin's e-mail address: ____________________________
}
} 2b.  Employer's e-mail address: ____________________________
}
} 2c.  Lawyer's e-mail address: ______________________________
}
} 3a.  Home address: _________________________________________
}
} 3b.  Home phone: ___________________________________________
}
} 3c.  Work address: _________________________________________
}
} 3d.  Work phone: ___________________________________________
}
} 3e.  Fax: __________________________________________________
}
} 3f.  Pager: ________________________________________________
}
} 4a.  Driver's license number: ______________________________
}
} 4b.  Social Security number: _______________________________
}
} 4c.  Date of Birth: ________________________________________
}
} 4d.  Place of Birth: _______________________________________
}
} 4e.  Birth Certificate number: _____________________________
} (Note:  non-human oviparous supplicants may indicate date
}  and place laid, or date and place of hatching.  Indicate
}  which.)
}
} PART II - PERSONAL GOALS
}
} 1.  In 25 words or less, describe what you expect to gain
} from using the Internet Oracle's services.
}
} 2.  In 50 words or more, extol the praises of the Internet
} Oracle.
}
} PART III - LANGUAGE USE
}
} Indicate your level of fluency in the following languages.
}
} Key:
}   0 - What's that?
}   1 - I know all the dirty words, but that's about all.
}   2 - I can read and write slowly, and speak haltingly,
}       but with a funny accent.
}   3 - I am reasonably fluent, but sometimes get caught up
}       on unfamiliar idioms.
}   4 - This is my native language.
}   5 - I speak this language better than the average native.
}
} ____ French
} ____ German
} ____ Spanish
} ____ English
} ____ American
} ____ Portuguese
} ____ Dutch
} ____ Greek (modern)
} ____ Greek (classical)
} ____ Latin
} ____ Russian
} ____ Hindi
} ____ Urdu
} ____ Tamil
} ____ Fortran
} ____ Arabic
} ____ Tagalog
} ____ Esperanto
} ____ Swahili
} ____ Chinese (Mandarin)
} ____ Chinese (Cantonese)
} ____ Japanese
} ____ Korean (North)
} ____ Korean (South)
} ____ Serbo-Croatian
}
} PART IV - CHOICE OF HUMOR
}
} 1.  Indicate which of the following types of humor interest
} you.  Check all that apply.
}
} ____ Puns
} ____ Star Trek
} ____ Jeopardy
} ____ Babylon 5
} ____ X Files
} ____ Soap operas
} ____ Other TV
} ____ Computer geek
} ____ Computer newbie
} ____ Other computer
} ____ Top 10 lists
} ____ Sci-fi
} ____ Paradoxes
} ____ Alternate reality
} ____ Insulting drivel
} ____ Impersonations
} ____ No grovel... ZOT
} ____ Woodchucks... ZOT
} ____ I'm in a bad mood... ZOT
} ____ Lisa
} ____ Joel
} ____ Other (specify) _______________________________________
}
} 2.  Indicate which of the following types of humor you find
} excruciatingly lame.  Check all that apply.
}
} ____ Puns
} ____ Star Trek
} ____ Jeopardy
} ____ Babylon 5
} ____ X Files
} ____ Soap operas
} ____ Other TV
} ____ Computer geek
} ____ Computer newbie
} ____ Other computer
} ____ Top 10 lists
} ____ Sci-fi
} ____ Paradoxes
} ____ Alternate reality
} ____ Insulting drivel
} ____ Impersonations
} ____ No grovel... ZOT
} ____ Woodchucks... ZOT
} ____ I'm in a bad mood... ZOT
} ____ Lisa
} ____ Joel
} ____ Other (specify) _______________________________________
}
} PART V - METHOD OF PAYMENT
}
} 1.  Circle the method you will use to pay the Oracle for
} his services.  You may switch to a different method at a
} later date simply by submitting a new copy of this form.
}
}   Cash       Certified Check       Visa       Mastercard
}
} If paying by credit card, enter card number: _______________
}
} 2.  What the heck, give me all your other credit card
} numbers, too.
}
} --------8<--Cut here-------------------------------------------
}
} Just fill in the form, and pop it off to the administrators.
} That should take care of all your problems.


826-07    (huAoe dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Callipygous Oracle,
> How can God sleep when people are starving?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How could people starve, if God was awake...
}
} You owe the Oracle something a little lighter.


826-08    (mtEl9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty oracle of the Bassalopes:
>
> What is Spam really?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The word "Spam" can be used about anything really, as long as there is
} a lot of it. The word "Spam" can be used about anything really, as
} long as there is a lot of it. The word "Spam" can be used about
} anything really, as long as there is a lot of it. The word "Spam" can
} be used about anything really, as long as there is a lot of it. The
} word "Spam" can be used about anything really, as long as there is a
} lot of it. The word "Spam" can be used about anything really, as long
} as there is a lot of it. The word "Spam" can be used about anything
} really, as long as there is a lot of it.


826-09    (cHJg5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh really hip, groovy, and keen Internet Oracle:
>
>  Will the job opportunity I've found in Atlanta work out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This, my dear supplicant, depends. Please consult the following table,
} provided to me by the US Olympic Oracle:
}
} Supplicant Ability       Prospects look good      Prospects look bad
} ==================       ===================      ==================
} Throwing javelins        Athlete                  Crowd control
}                          Hunting a bear dinner
}
} Swimming                 Athlete                  Ski patrol
}                          Relaxing at the hotel
}
} Running                  Athlete                  Waiting for restroom
}                          Evading wild animals
}
} Jumping                  Athlete                  Limbo
}                          Back-row spectator
}
} Swinging paddles         Athlete                  Elementary school
}                          teacher Insect control
}
} Riding horses            Athlete                  Sneaking into events
}                          Beating the crowd to       without a ticket
}                            the parking lot
}
} Lighting fires           Opening Ceremonies       Hotel maid
}                          Cooking dinner
}
} You owe the Oracle any Medals you receive.


826-10    (5axNo dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great solver of conundrums, what do the following have in common:
>
> John Belushi, whipped cream and Windoze 95
>
> I eagerly await your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} John Belushi       Whipped Cream       Windoze 95
} ------------       -------------       ----------
} Too Fat            Too Fattening       Too Fatheaded
} Comedy Genius      Comedy Potential    Big Joke
} Took Drugs         Acts like a drug    Designed by people
}                                        on medication
} Used by Hollywood  Used by cooks       Used by idiots
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of shades, a full tank of gas and half a
} packet of cigarettes.


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