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Internet Oracularities #827

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827, 827-01, 827-02, 827-03, 827-04, 827-05, 827-06, 827-07, 827-08, 827-09, 827-10


Internet Oracularities #827    (110 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 1996 10:45:08 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   827
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

827  110 votes ouor5 Cqs99 vFt81 aosye 2tAqh bxws6 4moAo 8pCv8 5uCra dvzla
827   2.9 mean  2.6   2.3   2.2   3.2   3.2   2.9   3.5   3.1   3.1   2.9


827-01    (ouor5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, mooooOOOOighty Oracle, thou who art mooooOOOst wise;
>
> What exactly are the symooooOOOOOptoms of MooooOOOad Cow Disease?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd tell you, but I need the milk.


827-02    (Cqs99 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: <@ig1.att.att.com:trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> opostroseisthakimithis

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Nispoantiaugrethinkalopodis, Yaquandopranadi
} spilatsiopruskioloporothos. Rodonoplanostotiastioko
} lirastarioropundireno"grovel"stilato.
} Parataliormigalio uruZOTsopalidskiomoratundiaskaZOTros
} thikamalitistolosti woodchuckthamastos.  Imagrafwestliops
} ufundoforgorothanistes,
} vrandanatuliopshigalajakaminopses.  ForNATalopidos
} antoPRESTIonGATHontoros IPRENTIOStanatrelpoLOPSESintesis!!!
} IONAPOLOSTIKOS WENTI"GROVEL"THOSANTISES PRONOTO*ZOT*TIKOS,
} ANLUMISETELEECHI*ZOT*INORO*ZOT*IPSES *ZOT*ANOS*ZOT*TIKOS
} IBANO*ZOT*THAMO*ZOT*ZOT*ZOT*ZOT*ZOT*!!!!
}
}   Inispatikos?
}
}   Inispatikos?
}
}   Feh.  Indrandojopouloracleistikos antidani"dictionary"thalos
} tinadoEnglishran thaminestes.


827-03    (vFt81 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that the recent benchmarks for oracle have shown that it is
> slipping behind its competitors' benchmarks?  If it's not any good, we
> need to choose another.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I will assume you are referring to The Internet Oracle, and not the
} corporation. Who says I am falling behind my competitors? Just give me
} a name, any name, and I'll *ZOT* them back to hell, or New Jersey, or
} wherever they're from.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clear definition of "benchmark"


827-04    (aosye dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Why is it so hard for my advisor to get his NIH grant renewed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} This is because he has not given a shrubbery to the knights who say
} "NIH."
}
} You owe the Oracle the clue to identifying a king.


827-05    (2tAqh dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey mensa! What were you doing in that hotel room anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can't tell you directly, but I can give you this handy
} chart so you can determine on your own:
}
} NUM. OF OCCUPANTS         PROPS                 POSSIBLE REASONS
}
}        1                  a suitcase          merely a business
}                                               traveller bedding down
}                                               for the night
}
}        1                a cucumber            could be making a
}                                               salad, but usually up
}                                               to no good
}
}        2                two suitcases         a business trip, natch
}
}        2                  nothing             copulation
}
}        2                blow-up doll              "      of sorts
}
}        3                three suitcases       economy travellers
}                                               sharing a room
}
}        3                nothing               something your mother
}                                               never explained to you
}
}        3                a small dog           don't ask
}
} Anything above 4 is automatically assumed to be either a family
} or a movement.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cucumber.


827-06    (bxws6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one, most brilliant of the glitterati, most knowledgable of
> the know-it-alls,  what are Shelley Winters, and can they be prevented?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Ahh, a more hideous blight could not be found upon the land, humble
} supplicant.  The first Shelley Winter, thought to be the product of
} some horrifying military research, was spotted in 1943.  What sick and
} twisted mind would devise such a thing remains unknown, America blames
} Germany, Germany blames Britain, Britain...
}
}    Well, the politics are unimportant, all nations have been affected
} (except France, which has remained under the grip of an even more
} fiendish phenomenon.  One known only by its initials, the JL), but
} America has been affected the worst.  Of the 113 confirmed Shelley
} Winters, each doing untold damage to culture and the arts, the vast
} majority have formed on and spread from America's southwest coast,
} leaving a blasted, desolate wasteland in their wake.
}
}    As to your second question, a legion of scientists have been working
} for decades on it, and many have been lost to the mind-destroying
} toxins of the Winters, but progress has been made!  Thanks to them, and
} the brave souls of the Emergency Response Shelley Winter Containment
} Team, the number of the Winters has been on the decline.  Why, the 80s
} saw only 10 of them in total.  Unfortunately, they appear to be making
} a comeback, 8 since 1991, and one of the latest, the worst in decades,
} was formed on the Pauly Shore...
}
}    Ahh, I see the color drain from your face, dear supplicant, come,
} let us retire to my study.  I sense we both need strong drink.


827-07    (4moAo dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's 4:30 AM. I just finished a term paper. I have exams for a month. I
> start grad school in September. Why the hell am I doing this to my
> life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I feel sorry for you.  Your parents rob you of your childhood, ram you
} through all sorts of accelerated, high-intensity pre-schools designed
} to give you a cutthroat edge over everyone else who'll be graduating
} college and entering the job market in 2012, which in reality means
} that you'll probably be beating out three hundred lesser-qualified
} applicants for the position of Vending Machine Engineer, and on top of
} it all, they have you thinking that it's your fault!  Well, I say give
} it a rest.  Go watch some cartoons.  Play outside.  Throw some temper
} tantrums.  And if you must sit in front of this computer, at least play
} Doom or something.  You won't be young forever.
}
} You owe the Oracle a few years of innocent, uncomplicated youth.
}
} P.S.  It's spelled "grade."


827-08    (8pCv8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     O great grobular Oracle; who wears his skin so well, true to
> the testament of loose-fitting flesh; in the bathwater of whose
> verisimilitude soft sausages would gladly procreate; please tell me:
>
>     Why does the Easter bunny lay eggs? It's a mammal, dammit.
> Shouldn't it be an Easter snake, or an Easter chicken? Or, if you
> must have a mammal, an Easter platypus? These religious icons would
> be a lot more believable if they made some sort of sense.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As I sit in the Oracle hottub, pondering your question, my mind is
} troubled. You see, dear supplicant, it is not easy to create a
} religious icon from scratch. I have tried my hand at icon design, and
} belive me--as well you must--that it is not easy to get just the right
} proportions of familiarity vs. supernaturality. Some more notable
} failures on the part of various Oracles are the Easter Bunny, Santa
} Claus, and the Great Pumpkin. Each of these icons began with an idea.
}
} For example, I remember when the Oracle of All Things Spooky was
} working on a Halloween project. "Internet Oracle," he said (we dispense
} with the formalities and grovelling during business hours), "I've got
} this spooky thing I've designed for Halloween.  What shall be its
} form?" I told the Oracle to make it something familiar to all
} supplicants, old and young, thus producing the greatest spookiness.
}
} As you can see, this project was a dismal failure, as only a Mr. C.
} Brown even believes in his existance. While there is something to be
} said for a religion of one's own, the sheer volume of hate-mail and
} spammage convinced by the various Oracles has convinced me that this
} was a Bad Idea.
}
} Santa Claus was the next icon to be attempted. This was a joint project
} between the Oracle of Fast Sleds and the Oracle of All Things Jiggly.
} Although a much better icon than the Great Pumpkin, many supplicants
} over the age of 10 or so see a few design flaws that they had tried to
} gloss over. The Oracle of All Things Jiggly left the project and has
} since had a series of successes, most notably Jell-O.
}
} The Easter Bunny was the best of the series, possessing a design far
} surpassing that of the Great Pumpkin and Santa Claus. There are of
} course contradictions, but it was felt that an an Easter Bunny that
} went around giving live birth was not a good idea, and the mere mention
} of an Easter Duck was enough to make many an Oracle cry. We liked the
} idea of laying eggs, since dyeing eggs is an inherently Fun Thing. The
} Oracle of Cuddly Things proposed the Bunny schtick and we, still
} somewhat light-headed from blowing so many eggs, agreed. We felt that
} the sheer cuddliness of a bunny was enough to overcome the concept of
} said bunny laying eggs. And it has worked, as I have yet to recieve any
} complaints about the idea of cream-filled chocolate eggs. In fact, the
} Oracle of Oddly Designed Animals did propose an Easter Platypus. A
} collective *zot* convinced him of the error of his ways.
}
} You owe the oracle an Easter Aardvark.


827-09    (5uCra dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, thou who would never spend half an hour trawling shops for
> something decent to eat, and then choose an inedibly tasteless
> ciabatta, unlike a certain supplicant I could name, please hear this
> equally tasteless question of mine...
>
> Oracle, what is the exception which proves the rule that there is
> always an exception that proves the rule?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The exception is the rule which states. "There is an exception to every
} rule," as it is without exception except for itself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rule saying that no one can ever drive in the left
} lane.  Except me.


827-10    (dvzla dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If one is not invincible, does that mean that that one can be "vinced?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you're thinking of "unvincible."  "Invincible" means that one is
} capable of being in Vince, presumably because he swallows you whole.
} The easiest way to avoid becoming invincible is to feed Vince three
} meals a day, making sure that he gets lots of vitamin C.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of whoever came up with Windows 95.


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