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Internet Oracularities #828

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Internet Oracularities #828    (130 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 16 Apr 1996 08:49:20 -0500 (EST)

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   828
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

828  130 votes eIHja 8pwxw fwOlc 8lKBi 8gMGg mMwo4 nAzr9 irLnf blIEe 4cIvD
828   3.1 mean  2.7   3.4   2.9   3.3   3.3   2.5   2.7   2.9   3.2   3.7


828-01    (eIHja dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, grovel grovel GROVEL
>
> Everyone in the office got these rock-solid fudge easter eggs.  No one
> wants them.  What do we do with these four hundred eggs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Groveling supplicant, the Oracle has a list of the top
} ten things to do with 400 chocolate eggs.
}
} 10. Try to hatch them in an oven.
}
} 9. Hide them for the janitor.
}
} 8. Send them to Bosnia.
}
} 7. Hold a company picnic and use them for softball.
}
} 6. Leave them on the seats of cars that park too close to yours
}    (in the midday heat).
}
} 5. Give them as tips for snotty waiters.
}
} 4. Use them like spit wads to torment unpopular co-workers.
}
} 3. Market them as implants.
}
} 2. Give them to your dentist.
}
} 1. Dress up as Isaac Newton and drop them from the roof of
}    your building on passersby.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fudge sculpture.


828-02    (8pwxw dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: <@ig4.att.att.com:trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Allknwoing Oracle of the internet please answer a humble mortal's
> question:
>
> What is the proverbial "Jack-in-the-box" doing in there? Something
> naughty?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The figure we know as Jack-In-The-Box is but an anglicised corruption
} of his real name, Yachinda Bochs.  Yachinda is a figure well known
} through Buddhist history (even though the name sounds a bit Jewish.
} Funny that.).  'Yachinda the meditator' they'd call him.  For days
} on end he would just sit, cross legged, palms upward, taking it all in.
}
} Of course, being a minority as he was, many people made fun of him.
} They shouted names, threw rocks, poked him with sticks.  But still,
} he wouldn't budge.  Calm, quiet, and peaceful, he would ignore the
} madness going on around him.
}
} One day some particularly nasty people took some elaborate steps
} toward annoying Yachinda.  If he derived so much pleasure from the
} outside world, they determined in their cruelty to shut him out of it.
} With a few pieces of wood, a few nails, and a lot of foolishness, they
} built a rough wooden box around Yachinda.  Still, he did not move.
} People still passed by, hurling insults, and rocks.  One enterprising
} young fool but a hole in the side of the box so once again they
} could poke him with sticks.  Which, of course, they did.  Often.
} To his credit, Yachinda didn't so much as bat a serene eyelid.
}
} The more Yachinda did nothing, the more agitated his agitators
} became.  Eventually, they desired to annoy him constantly.  Non-stop.
} Twenty-Four hours a day.  After pondering for some time how this could
} be achieved, one of the fools gained inspiration from the hole that
} had been cut in the side of the box.  'A Machine!' he exclaimed.
} 'Much easier than poking with sticks,' he said rapidly, drawing
} crude diagrams of his invention.  "Just turn this handle here,
} connected to sticks and rocks and coarse bushes, here, which will in
} turn hit Yachinda, here,' he said, with a flourish.  The other fools
} soon agreed.  And so it was.  Over the next few days they toiled
} tirelessly, collecting the required materials, and putting together
} the machine.  The whole time, Yachinda ignored them with as much
} disdain as a cat would.
}
} Finally, it was done.  The machine was built, the staffing agreements
} for the handle-turning had been determined (after much bickering, of
} course), and they began.  Day in, day out, turning the handle, hurting
} Yachinda, turning the handle, hurting Yachinda.  Who didn't react.
} No, he sat, still as a rock, deep in his meditation.
}
} By day four though, things were starting to change.  There is only
} so much a human being can bear....
}
} It was crowded at the town square, being mid-day this was not entirely
} unexpected.  People were milling around engaged in their daily
} business, and a handle-turner had just started on his shift. Within
} seconds, it was over.  There was a rumble in the box, and instantly
} the figure of Yachinda, somewhat battered, appeared.  He let out a
} scream of such vengeance, such power, that the entire population of
} the square clasped their hands to their ears.  The cry rang out but for
} a second, but to the fools it seemed like a lifetime.  They staggered
} and fell, hands clasped to their eyes in a futile gesture, and died.
} All of them.  The power that such a man could wield was unheard of,
} and new soon spread of the occurrence.  He gained an almost religious
} significance, and was idolised by generation after generation.
}
} Even to this day can examples of his worshipping can be found in
} small boxes with a handle on the side given to children, reliving
} that fateful moment all those years ago...
}
} You owe the Oracle a new spring.


828-03    (fwOlc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, please tellme who Don Knuth is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure I can.  I'm the <shudder> Internet Oracle, ain't I?
}
} It all started on the set of "Three's Company".  Getting pissed off for
} having to do yet ANOTHER take in that scene that forces him to bug his
} eyes out so that they actually hang outside of the orbs, dangling off
} the optic nerves like an overripe tomato on a vine, the actor who was
} once beloved by millions as the goofy Deputy Fife on "The Andy Griffith
} Show" went nuts and bludgeoned the director to death with his own
} chair.
}
} He was immediately jailed by the L.A.P.D., and when squeezed by
} detectives, he admitted to years of mob ties.  If, he said, they'd let
} him off and give him a new identity, he'd testify against Guido "The
} Fish" Motoni and Luigi "The Duck" Campisi.  From that moment forth, Don
} Knotts no longer existed.  Donald Knuth was born.
}
} He was set up with a new identity in another part of California;
} Stanford, to be exact.  He went back to school and majored in Computer
} Science; he took quite a liking to the subject, and continued his
} education with advanced degrees.
}
} Now considered by many to be the world's pre-eminent computer
} scientist, he's the author of _The Art of Computer Programming_, the
} definitive reference work for over 25 years.  He has over 100
} publications to his credit, and has also developed breakthrough
} applications in computer typesetting and software development.
}
} Although Professor Emeritus at Stanford University, Knuth is once again
} looking to Hollywood to see if he can get a "Reunion" episode of
} "Three's Company" off the ground.   John Ritter recently showed up on
} the NBC sitcom "Newsradio", and Suzanne Sommers, of course, can be
} reached through the Thighmaster infomercials.  The third roommate,
} however, is at this point in time unreachable.
}
} You owe the Oracle the last known whereabouts of Joyce DeWitt.


828-04    (8lKBi dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greetings, Mr. INTERNET ORACLE of INDIANA!  You have been randomly
> selected from our database of contestants, thus qualifying you for
> ROUND TWO of our special contest!
>
> Yes, that's right!  If you have the winning numbers, you'll hear Steve
> Kinzler announcing on rec.humor.oracle.d:
>
> Mr. INTERNET ORACLE has won TEN MILLION DOLLARS!!
>
> All you have to do is return the winning reply card before the
> deadline, and the TEN MILLION DOLLARS is YOURS!
>
> +--------------------------------------------------------+
> |                                                        |
> |  Numbers:                      +------+   +------+     |
> |  0017634  2396453              | MAGA |   | MAGA |     |
> |  3671420  3702809              | ZINE |   | ZINE |     |
> |  3888105  5039761              |      |   |      |     |
> |                                |  #1  |   |  #2  |     |
> |                                +------+   +------+     |
> |  Mr. INTERNET ORACLE                                   |
> |  cs.indiana.edu     +-------------------------------+  |
> |  United States      | Place "Early Bird" stamp here |  |
> |                     +-------------------------------+  |
> +--------------------------------------------------------+
>
> Naturally, we hope that you'll be interested in getting some
> specially-discounted magazine subscriptions, too.  You'll find a wide
> selection on the accompanying sheet of stickers, all with easy-to-pay
> installment plans.
>
> We regret to say that, due to the high costs of printing and mailing,
> we cannot guarantee to keep you on our list for future sweepstakes
> unless you order at least one suscription.  And that would be a shame,
> because we want the ORACLE family to make money.  Lots of money.  Fast.
>
> Good luck!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Ed,
}
} Why don't you and Dick Clark ever learn? I KNOW the outcome already.
} Sanford M. Manley of West Palm Beach, Florida will be the winner.
} However, I will order these magazines. I can't find the "Early Bird"
} sticker, so I will just give you the bird.
}
}  +--------------------------------------------------------+
}  |                                                        |
}  |  Numbers:                      +------+   +------+     |
}  |  0017634  2396453              | TIME |   | PLAY |     |
}  |  3671420  3702809              | LESS |   | GOD  |     |
}  |  3888105  5039761              |      |   |      |     |
}  |                                |      |   |      |     |
}  |                                +------+   +------+     |
}  |  Mr. INTERNET ORACLE                                   |
}  |  cs.indiana.edu     +-------------------------------+  |
}  |  United States      | Place "Early Bird" stamp here |  |
}  |                     +-------------------------------+  |
}  +--------------------------------------------------------+


828-05    (8gMGg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most grand, who understands that the Twins Paradox depends
> entirely on whether the twins were identical or fraternal and whether
> the travelling one left on a leap year, please answer my humble query:
>
> Does an application of relativistic time dilation exist that will
> enable me to finish studying for all five of my final exams within the
> next twenty minutes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, only one. It's called the "procrastinatorial parabola effect."
}
} It deals with two factors: the level of procrastination as directly
} proportional to the amount of time remaining to complete the task.
}
} Scientific study confirms that the closer one gets to a deadline,
} the more intent that person gets on wishing that deadline did not
} exist. The more procrastination applied, the greater that wish
} becomes.
}
} Now, there exists a point in time shortly before the deadline is
} reached in which this procrastination and its related desire to
} complete the task comes together in perfect synchronization. It is
} at this moment that the effects of monumental slackerism actually
} _cancels out_ time as a constant. For a brief instant at this
} point, all time stands still for you to complete your studies.
}
} Further study has it that this point in time is called "Jolt Cola."
}
} You owe the Oracle a C- on at least one of your exams.


828-06    (mMwo4 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grovel:
> Oh glorious Oracle who knows who really killed JFk and if Elvis is
> alive.
>
> Question:
> Why is it I only meet interesting men when I have a boyfriend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "It is known from the wisdom of the ancients that the heart grows
} fonder in absence, yet familiarity is due no more than contempt.  Thus,
} when in your life there is an absence, you strive to fill it with the
} first acceptable substitute that comes along.  Thus is the absence
} banished, and here begins the path to familiarity.  So, be not confused
} by that bouffant hairstyle, those quivering lips, and that silvery
} tongue. The true path to happiness lies not down that path, but down
} the path to the Computer Science building wherein dwell the most
} interesting ..." *ZOT*
}
} "Who hath let that foul cretin into my sanctum?  I cannot perform under
} these conditions!!!  Get me my Agent!!  Moses!!!"
}
} A priest runs up and pulls you away from the Oracle, saying,
}   "Oh, this has been happening much of late. Best not disturb him for
} awhile, until he comes to his senses."


828-07    (nAzr9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <HTML><HEAD><TITLE>Oracle inquiry</TITLE></HEAD><BODY>
> <P>
>   <H1>Grovel</H1>
>   O Great and groovy <STRONG> Oracle </STRONG>, grant this humble
> supplicant an answer to my inquiry...
>   <H1>Question</H1>
>   Why all the hype about HTML and the internet?  after all, you've been
> there for centuries.
> </BODY></HTML>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <!-- sex boob boobies tit titties jpeg mpeg gif gif sex nookie knockers
} hooters kajoobies wanking tibbies hooker yumnuts poobies muffins yank
} spank frank peepee urine jpeg mpeg tit titties --!>
}
} <html>
}  <head>
}   <title> The Oracle Answers! </title>
}  </head>
} <body>
}
} I think it's the universal appeal and quest for understanding that
} attract people to the internet. But beware false enlightenment, it is
} like a corrupted JPEG. Now begone, meager supplicant. I haven't been to
} alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.zot yet!
}
} </body>
}
} </html>


828-08    (irLnf dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: <@ig4.att.att.com:trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> xxx

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's entrapment, Senator Exon.  You won't catch me THAT easily.
}
} You owe the Oracle...well, I can't actually say it to your face in this
} medium, let's put it that way.


828-09    (blIEe dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Orrie, the all knowing mate...
>
> Why do the fractal mountains that xmountains 2.2 creates look more like
> real mountains than real mountains do? If one clapped or fell over
> would anyone hear/see or care?
>
> Please accept this fur coat made from the skin of *ZOT*ed virtual
> woodchucks as a token of my esteem.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah Supplicant the unknowing mate...
}
} Xmountains look more like *real* mountains than real mountains
} because they're calculated from exact mathematical formula designed
} to model fractal geometry and approximate chaos, real mountains
} however use exact chaos and make rude gestures towards the concept of
} maths. So there you go.
}
} At this stage I feel I should point out that if Xmountains look more
} real than real mountains then by default they look less real than
} real mountains. After all if they don't look real then they look
} unreal. They can't look more real than the real thing. The question
} should have been "why do Xmountains look more unreal than real
} mountains?". Real mountains don't look unreal, they look real, so the
} question should have been further refined to "why do Xmountains look
} nothing like real mountains?". In this instance I would refer you
} back to my first paragraph.
}
} You also seem to be confused about what exactly mountains are. They
} are bloody great big chunks of rock. If one fell over I'm sure a hell
} of a lot of people would care (especially those living at the
} bottom), it would probably be heard for quite some distance and if
} nobody saw anything else they'd see the sky turn dark and stone
} textured (briefly). The good thing about mountains though is that
} they tend not to fall over - they sort of dissolve instead. And at
} the last check the total number of mountains reported clapping was
} zero.
}
} Thanks for the coat. I'll use it to incubate the worms and bacteria
} in my compost heap.
}
} You owe the Oracle a molehill (so I can grow my own mountains).


828-10    (4cIvD dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most [adverb-adjective combination denoting something mighty
> and omniscient], whose [attribute] [verb such as 'swells' or 'boggles']
> the mind, please [clever way of saying 'answer a stupid question']:
>
> (please pick one question)
>
> __I have no shoelaces, because I thought that's what cool people do.
>   Does that make me stupid, fashion conscious, a trend setter, or am
>   I just wearing loafers?
>
> __There is a tree in the plaza in town with my initials on it.
>   Did I carve them there, or is it a sign from the talking
>   chickens again?  Damn them.
>
> __How does one remove club soda from a white dress shirt?
>
> __If you thread good, sturdy toilet paper into a toilet and flush it,
>   will it pull the paper off the roll really fast and make a whirring
>   sound like it did in that Calvin and Hobbes cartoon?  Do you
>   remember that one?
>
> __Is epistemology just a way for humans to categorize that which
>   they believe is not possible or real, or is it a doorway to
>   understanding things which are presently beyond comprehension?
>
> __I have a cat named Pee.  Wait--that's not a question.  Sorry.  Uh...
>   What does Pee call it when he pees?  'Me?'  Okay, that's good.
>
> __Do you use antennae from old radios when the one on your boom box
>   bends and snaps, or do you buy a new one from Radio Shaft, or do
>   you have a special antenna farm in Pittsburgh?
>
> __It's good that light is affected by time, because that way we can
>   witness cosmic events that occurred billions of years ago.  But if
>   you send an episode of 'Full House' to a sattelite hypothetically
>   located in the Horsehead Nebula and it returns millions of years
>   later, is it considered a rerun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, Supplicant, you [demeaning, derogatory, insulting adjective-noun
} combination]. You thought you could trick me by sending multiple
} questions. Well, fear not, because like the American Express card,
} omnipotence has its benefits: I can handle all of your questions in
} any particular order.
}
} In fact, choose one of your questions, and then choose which answer
} of mine you like best. It doesn't really matter which belongs with
} which.
}
} __There is no soul in soul food. It's just a misplaced thematic
}   device. Get over it.
}
} __Baking Soda, Peroxide, Lime Juice, and Tequila. Shake well, chill,
}   serve with pickles.
}
} __There's more to life than just what you wear. For instance, there
}   is that small matter of _breathe in, breathe out_ which seems to
}   perplex a great number of people. You see, humans are built to
}   last like us immortals, but somewhere along the line they just
}   forget to breathe. Don't ask me why: We've had our best men on
}   it for years and they're just stumped.
}
} __Have you considered aromatherapy followed by a little electroshock?
}
} __Apparently, you haven't played with enough explosives in your life.
}   I recommend a teaspoon of Ammonium Nitrate with your Lucky Charms
}   each morning.
}
} __Frogs don't have ears. And they don't croak. That's just what the
}   popular media of the day would have you believe.
}
} __Have you ever seen "My Favorite Martian?" I'd take a hint from that
}   show and just stick two fingers in the hole where the antenna used
}   to be and turn your entire forehead into a little radiating
}   directional antenna. Of course, don't come to me whining if you
}   lose a little hair... You play with electromagnetics, you deserve
}   what you get.
}
} __People are basically good. It's their lawyers you've got to watch.
}
} __I'll bet you had a copy of "American Pie" when you were growing
}   up and listened to it every night before you went to bed. Don't
}   worry, that would drive anyone insane.
}
} __Maybe you're confusing me with someone who actually considers that
}   question important?
}
} __Millions of neurons can't be wrong. Trust your instincts on this
}   one, but remember: If you get one type of cancer, you can't just
}   go get another type and hope they'll eat each other up and leave
}   you alone. Sorry.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Book of Lists and two stiff drinks.


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