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21 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 4:57:29 GMT

Internet Oracularities #829

Goto:
829, 829-01, 829-02, 829-03, 829-04, 829-05, 829-06, 829-07, 829-08, 829-09, 829-10


Internet Oracularities #829    (118 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 23 Apr 1996 08:32:07 -0500 (EST)

@@@                        *** We Have a Winner! ***
@@@
@@@ Oracularity #823-05, the P-K4 Edgar Allan Poe parody, was the highest
@@@ scoring of its digest by a good margin, with a 3.9 out of 5.0 and a
@@@ distribution of 4dlvJ.  Its authors, supplicant Ariel Scolnicov of
@@@ Mevasseret Zion, Israel and incarnation Nathan Green of Fargo, North
@@@ Dakota, USA, are being awarded a copy of the LifeView software and
@@@ LifeHumor humor archives <URL:http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor/>
@@@ (courtesy of Cate3's Classic Comedy and Steve Kinzler).
@@@
@@@ On the occasion, Ariel had this to say:
@@@
@@@     Well, I just wrote the question for #823.  Don't be fooled by the
@@@     apparent brevity -- this question took me *months* to perfect.
@@@     It was so profound, in fact, that the first time I sent it I got
@@@     an unsatisfactory answer, from someone who clearly didn't under-
@@@     stand the question.  I sent it again, and was somewhat dismayed to
@@@     get it back from the same incarnation!  I mean, the odds against
@@@     that were stupefying!  Obviously, Fate intervened; I was Destined
@@@     From Birth to Win #823 (and you can quote me on that).
@@@
@@@     Aside to Nathan (who's wondering what kind of idiot can't edit his
@@@     own message lines) -- "P-K4" is (antiquated) notation for an open-
@@@     ing in chess. I thought it would be funny to lose to the Oracle...
@@@
@@@     Finally, I don't know about the question, but the answer certainly
@@@     deserves to be archived forever in the Us^H^HInternet Oracle Hall
@@@     of Fame for all eternity.
@@@
@@@ And, Nathan, our poet on the plains, says:
@@@
@@@     It is an honor and a privilege to win such an important award as
@@@     this. I'd like to thank the little people without whom I wouldn't
@@@     be accepting this award today: the Supplicant, Steve Kinzler and
@@@     the priesthood, Henry Cate III and Cate3's Classic Comedy, the
@@@     voters, Edgar Allen Poe, the instructor of the class I skipped to
@@@     write the Oracularity, the ... well, you know who you are.
@@@
@@@     ..., you may quote me as saying:
@@@     "I can't believe it happened to me!"
@@@
@@@     You owe the Oracle (incarnated as N.G.) a copy of the LifeView
@@@     software.
@@@
@@@ Congratulations to the winners, and stay tuned for the winners of the
@@@ second half of this Internet Oracle contest with the highest scoring
@@@ Oracularity of digest #824.

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   829
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

829  118 votes qktvc bDHh8 ewysa 8jEAf 6sQlb 8jsAr 6pvHd 8eFAj bhsBp bmwwl
829   3.2 mean  2.9   2.8   2.9   3.3   3.0   3.5   3.3   3.4   3.4   3.3


829-01    (qktvc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Would you like to buy an owl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
}
} For answering your question, you owe the Oracle an owl.


829-02    (bDHh8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We have a person here at work who greatly resembles a weasel.
> Do weasels ever take human form and get PhD's in Computer Science?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A few do, yes.  More of them go into law school, though.
}
} You owe the Oracle an arrangement of "Pop Goes the Programmer"


829-03    (ewysa dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You recently suggested to me that ...
> } You owe the Oracle to translate digests 800 to 828 (obtainable
> } via anonymous ftp from ftp.cs.indiana.edu/pub/oracle) into
> } Welsh.
>
> I am please to offer you the Entire Set of Oracularity Digests, 1 to
> 828, all in Compressed Welsh, with the usual security codes.  Here
> they are:
>
>      1
>
> Note the high compression factor.  I'm sure you will have no
> trouble with it, being the omniscient being that you are.
>
> I've taken the liberty of translating into Pictish and Urdu.  Here is
> each:
>
> Picthsh  0
>
> Urdu     0  (This is a backwards 0.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} You are very, very funny. In fact since you have been so good, I will
} grant you three wishes if you complete the following tasks:
}
} 1) Pry that pen from Bob Dole's hand without the secret service beating
} you to a pulp.
}
} 2) Provide a successful criminal defense for the Unabomber.
}
} 3) Throw a pie in Dennis Rodman's face while wearing a referee's
} uniform.
}
} 4) Dance around in the Demilitarized Zone between North and South Korea
} dressed like Ronald McDonald.
}
} 5) Get O.J. Simpson to confess by spraying him with a can of mace.
}
} If you do these things I will start by granting your first wish:
} Paying your hospital bills.


829-04    (8jEAf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        Oh Great Oracle, Marvel among marvels and being above being,
>
> Why does the delete key work so fast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In one word:  downsizing.
}
} Time was when Delete, Inc. had the monopoly on text removal services.
} Back then, the market was small, as were keyboards, and Delete was
} pretty much the only game in town.  You wanted to correct your typing,
} you used the Delete key.  Pretty comfortable arrangement, and Delete
} kept picking up the royalties.  Just a tenth of a cent per use, but it
} added up to fortunes.
}
} Unfortunately for the company, the arrangement was not destined to
} last. The sudden explosion in computer use opened vast new markets for
} Text Removal Service Providers (TRSPs), and expanded keyboards opened
} new slots for competition.  Pretty soon, Backspace Corp. was in the
} business, giving Delete a run for their money.  But Delete had a
} massive base of installed users familiar with its services, and this
} along with skilled marketing allowed them to maintain their vast lead
} in market share.
}
} By the mid-80s, everything had changed.  The business was
} unrecognizable. The advent of graphic interfaces, with mouse-driven
} software, threatened to make Delete obsolete.  Cut & Paste
} International provided a simple, intuitive and flexible editing
} interface, while also serving as a TRSP. Undo Ltd. picked its own
} market niche, allowing for fast error correction in many circumstances.
}
} Today, Delete is only one of many TSRPs, serving a highly competitive
} market.  Profits are down, market share is plummeting and many
} employees are, frankly, worried.  Delete, Inc. cut some 5,000 jobs in
} 1995 and more layoffs are expected.  The new company president, Tex E.
} Race, is looking to restructure and reorient the business for future
} success, possibly looking into joint ventures with text production
} companies.
}
} But for now, the remaining staff at Delete is working harder than ever,
} nervously hoping to keep their jobs.  And that's why your delete key is
} working so fast.
}
} You owe the Oracle a silicon eraser.


829-05    (6sQlb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty One, in whose hands our lives are putty; Two days ago, in
> biochemistry class, I had to kill and disect a rat, and do an insulin
> experiment. Am I a murderer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble but violent supplicant:
}
} The Oracle thinks that you are asking the wrong question.  The issue is
} not *whether* you are a murderer, but rather whether you can get away
} with it.  Ask O.J. or the Menendez brothers about this.  In order to
} assist you in getting away with it, the Oracle suggests the following:
}
} 1.    Pick your victim carefully.  For example, had the rat been
} maliciously stealing your Pop-Tarts during the past few months?  If so,
} what jury could convict you, especially if they were Chocalate
} flavored?
}
} 2.    Pick your lawyer carefully.  It's much more important that you
} have Alan Dershowitz pleding your case on Good Morning America on a
} regular basis than it is to have someone who actually knows something
} about what goes on in court. Can you see the Dersh waving around that
} pop-tart at 7:30am on national TV? Think of the sympathy that will be
} built up for you.  (Moreover, if this tip fails, and you are somehow
} convicted, (a) there will at least be a riot of hungry folk on your
} behalf, and (b) there's sure to be a made-for-TV movie, off of which,
} if you play your cards right, you can at least earn some
} residuals......)
}
} 3.    Pick the location of your killing carefully.  Who's going to care
} if you kill a New York City rat?  Some people might even view that as a
} public service, and declare you some sort of hero.  On the other hand,
} if you kill the rat in some wide-open Rocky Mountain state, people are
} sure to see you as some sort of fringe lunatic, undoubtedly connected
} with the Freeman, and the rat as a an innocent victim.
}
} 4.    Most importantly, never, ever admit that you did it.  Compare
} O.J. with the Menendez brothers.  Hence, sending this question to the
} Oracle was something of a foolish act.  Especially if the Oracle
} decides to testify.....  (The Oracle has already signed a contract for
} a made-for-TV movie of these hideous, gruesome, unwarranted murders,
} and has right of first refusal over the actor who will play the Oracle.
}  The Oracle is currently having trouble deciding between Madonna and
} Michael J. Fox.)
}
} The Oracle wishes you the best of luck in your future pursuits.  You
} owe the Oracle a copy of your arrest record, fingerprints, and personal
} diary.


829-06    (8jsAr dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh shrewd smart Oracle, Who knows what in the Hell actually is going
> on, I've generally been courteous and deferential to babes I was
> interested in, and they've generally responded by telling me I'm "a
> nice person" but uninteresting.  Just the other day I insulted a woman,
> and she has responded by getting flirty, and I think she might like me.
>  So, please advise me, oh Capable-of-Landing-The-Babes Oracle, what in
> the Hell *is* going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're obviously running incompatible system software. I'd suggest
} an immediate upgrade to Life96 to solve your problem. My guess is
} that you're still running Life 3.1... and to quote the Appendix of
} Error Messages which came with Life96:
}
}       "Error 1443: 'Nice Person - Incompatible
}                     S)ever Contact, B)e Friends, F)ail Outright?'
}
}       This message means that Life96 has detected an error
}         condition in the operation of SexLife (Life96's own
}         input/output/input/output controller). Possible causes:
}
}         - Port is already in use (See Network Chastity, pg. 343)
}         - Protected-mode is not engaged (See Viruses, pg. 436)
}         - The request for port usage was made by a
}              well-behaved, well-adjusted person running
}              Life 3.1. Recommend user upgrade. (See Get A Life96,
}              pg. xxii)"
}
} While you're at it, you might as well purchase and install
} Plus Pack for Life96, which includes the newest release of
} Atlas Muscles(tm), FastCar Expensive Model, and FaceLift
} 3.1.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Life96 Exchange... on time.


829-07    (6pvHd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@mincom.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get a static IP address?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rub it against an Angora sweater.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Tesla coil.


829-08    (8eFAj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it me or is it hot in here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, it really is quite hot in there, and it's only going to get worse.
} And it's quite a shame too: I've never before encountered a lobster
} intelligent enough to use E-mail.  I'd save you if I could, but the
} guests are going to be here soon, and they're going to be very hungry.
}
} If it's any consolation to you, you're going to accumulate a lot of
} good karma from your unpleasant demise, and are likely to be reborn
} considerably higher on the food chain (pardon the expression), probably
} as a lawyer.  True, you'll still just be an overgrown bug, but the
} benefits are better and, since you'll be quite inedible (if not
} poisonous), no one will be seriously tempted to boil you for dinner.
} (For fun, yes, but not for dinner.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a pound of flesh.


829-09    (bhsBp dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There is an ancient Oracle,
> Who stoppeth one of three.
> His beard is white, his staff is hot,
> Will he tell his tale to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you would have a tale of me
} Consider this I pray:
} Two others sought to question me.
} I let *them* get away.
}
} My tale is long and tedious,
} An infinite lament
} Of foolish, perverse questioners
} Too clueless to repent.
}
} My beard is white, 'tis as you say,
} As is my cranial foliage.
} I'm wearied, prematurely gray,
} From imitation Coleridge
}
} And other such poetic crimes
} Unfit for human scansion,
} Sonnets, couplets, nursery rhymes
} Too vile to even mention.
}
} As for my staff, why yes, 'tis hot
} And look, forsooth, it's humming.
} Your "poetry" deserves a *ZOT*!
} (I'm sure you saw it coming.)
}
} And yet, methinks, you might survive.
} (My staff is set on stun.)
} I'd much prefer you stayed alive:
} Your pain is lots more fun.
}
} And should you have more inquiries,
} Remember, thus it goes
} With literary wannabes:
} You'd better stick to prose.


829-10    (bmwwl dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@cs.mcgill.ca

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderous and patient oracle, whose knowledge could fill books
> which would span the universe -
>
> Please explain to me why you shouldn't ZOT the people who wrote these
> painful analogies?  I got this in a mail this morning.  Please do what
> you wish to them.
>
> ------- Forwarded Message
> Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay"
> contest. ============
>
>  He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
>  guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
>  those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
>  speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
>  eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
>  (Joseph Romm, Washington)
>
>  She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
>  dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door
>  open again.
>  (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
>
>  The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
>  bowling ball wouldn't.
>  (Russell Beland, Springfield)
>
>  McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled
>  with vegetable soup.
>  (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
>
>  From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
>  surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
>  "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
>  (Roy Ashley, Washington)
>
>  Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
>  (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
>
>  Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
>  center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
>
>  Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
>  T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by
>  mistake
>  (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
>
>  Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.  (Unknown)
>
>  He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy
>  Chase)
>
>  The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
>  fry them in hot grease.
>  (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
>
>  Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
>  movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
>  "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
>
>  Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
>  grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
>  left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
>  at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
>  (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
>
>  The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
>  Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
>
>  They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
>  resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth
>  (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
>
>  John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
>  also never met.
>  (Russell Beland, Springfield)
>
>  The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
>  of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
>  (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
>
>  His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
>  underpants in a dryer without Cling Free
>  (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
>
>  The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The all-knowing all-seeing Oracle has personally thwapped each and
} every person on your list, much like the sound a tennis ball makes when
} you're playing a tennis match in the rain but you miss and the ball
} hits the ground instead, and the sounds of both your raquet and the
} ball combined create a thwapping sound.


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