[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:47:42 GMT

Internet Oracularities #83

Goto:
83, 83-01, 83-02, 83-03, 83-04, 83-05, 83-06, 83-07, 83-08, 83-09, 83-10


Usenet Oracularities #83
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 16 Dec 89 19:42:56 GMT

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.
Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


83-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What sort of budget did the creator have to work with??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question, and it just so happens that I have a copy of the original
} budget request and approval notices as well as addenda:
}
} ========================================================================
} Date:     October 16, 4.6 billion B.C.
} From:     The Creator
} To:       Office of Budgets and Financial Planning
} Subject:  Creation (Budget Request #1A)
}
} This is in reference to the recent Creation meeting of July 3, 4.7
} billion B.C.  in which the groundwork for a universe was discussed.  Per
} your recommendation I am submitting the following budget for your
} consideration.
}
} (In thousands of $)
}
} Night and Day........................................1,575
} Heaven and Earth.....................................1,250
} Plants...............................................  500
} Animals that swim, walk and fly......................  800
} Humans
}   Man................................................  200
}   Woman..............................................  200
}   Intelligence.......................................  175
} Office equipment
}   Copy machine.......................................    5
}   IBM Selectric Typewriter...........................    1
}   Miscellaneous......................................    2
}
} Total................................................4,708
}
} I anticipate that this project should take 4 days to complete.
}
} Thank you and I await your reply.
}
} ========================================================================
} Date:     January 23, 4.5 billion B.C.
} From:     Office of Budgets and Financial Planning
} To:       The Creator
} Subject:  Budget Request #1A
}
} Your Budget for Creation has been approved in the amount of $4,632,000.
} We are cutting $75,000 off of the Human Intelligence line item and $1000
} off of Miscellaneous office supplies.
}
} This project is being funded for a period of 4 days.
}
} ========================================================================
} Date:     June 12, 4.5 billion B.C.
} From:     The Creator
} To:       Office of Budgets and Financial Planning
} Subject:  Budeget Request #1A: Addendum
}
} Due to a labor shortage (one of my archangels has left and taken many
} other workers with him to work on a competing project) I respectfully
} request an extension of 2 days.
}
} In addition I have experienced difficulties with the contrator hired for
} the Human Development program and have had to send out bids for another
} Human Development contractor.  Therefore I am requesting an additional
} $95,000 for this project.
}
} ========================================================================
} Date:     December 3, 4.5 billion B.C.
} From:     Office of Budgets and Financial Planning
} To:       The Creator
} Subject:  Budget Request #1A: Addendum
}
} Project extension approved for 2 additional days.  However we are unable
} for fulfill your additional budget request of $95,000.
}
} ========================================================================
} There's your answer.  Oh, it turned out that the Creator petitioned for
} a Bond insuance which helped him to raise most of the $95,000 he needed.


83-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me O Oracle most wise in the ways of Personkind...
>
> Do you get visual aids from eyeball sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Always remember to wear sunglasses when ogling broads on the
} beach.
}
} Also, you may get hearing aids from letting your SO lick the inside of
} your ears.  Whispering loving words into the ear of your partner is
} probably safe, at least if he/she/it wears ear plugs.
}
} You owe the Oracle a GIF picture of Annie Lennox in the nude.


83-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is it that many net readers believe that you really are "Mr.  Know
> All" when in reality, it's people like us who are replying to their
> questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it isn't people like you who are replying to the questions.  From
} time to time I send you a few bogus questions just for a laugh, and
} because it is fun to watch students trying to do something with their
} brains, if they have one.  The Oracle is, of course, a highly
} sophisticated, multivariate, highly parallelised, natural-language
} understanding neural Cobol program, which can reliably generate correct
} answers to any question at all withoetotri eotib ftrifi 66%% kgkg
}
} Syntax error at line 3401
} Core dumped
}
} Connection closed


83-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Have you ever been offered a free lobotomy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NO, never a free one.  However, I once got an offer for a trial frontal
} lobotomy for the low introductory price of $9.95, 10-day trial, double
} your neural tissue back if you're not satisfied.  It was from Time-Life
} Inc., I think.  I took them up on it, and was extremely unsatisfied, but
} unfortunately when I took them up on their offer, they didn't send me
} frontal lobe tissue, they sent me an extra limbic system instead.
}
} Never trust neurologists.
}
} You owe the oracle your hippocampus.


83-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much wood could a wood chuck chuck,if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok.  That's it.  This is the last time I'm putting up with this stupid
} question.  I mean, EVERYONE asks this when they can't think of an
} intelligent, well-formed question for me to answer.  I'm pissed.
} Really.  I need a vacation.  I think I'll go to the Bahamas.  Yeah, the
} Bahamas.  That's where all the oracles hang out for New Years.  I hear
} the INTERNET oracle's gonna be staying at the Hilton.  I'll book a room
} there.
}
} <dial 1-809-4HILTON>
}
} <ring....  ring...  ring......  Hello, Bahamas Hilton, may I help you?>
}
} Yes.  I'd like to book a room for New Years week.
}
} <May I have your name please?>
}
} The USENET oracle.
}
} <OH!!!  Mr Oracle!!!!!  I have a message for you here!  Let's see......
} here we go....  "How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck
} could chuck wood?">
}
} <click>


83-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was walking down the street one day, and I heard the punchline of a
> joke, but I didn't catch the first part.  The punchline went as follows:
>
> "...no, but the cucumber is now a pickle!"
>
> O great oracle, could you tell me what the original joke was?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think it takes a greater being than myself to answer that great
} question, although I can think of some pretty nasty insinuations...


83-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know the Periodic Table of the Elements. Well, is there also an
> Elementary Table of the Periods and a Period of the Elementary Tables?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Insanity! Oh, insanity, I implore thee to play games with my mind!


83-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, what is a Redneck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Crimson and vermillion is chroma of the spine!
}   Red, vulgar red, the throat
} Of the dread and filthy redneck, a-mating with the kine
}   and the porker, and the badger, and the stoat.
}
} Gross and flaccid is the tenor of the mind
}   Dull and dingy is the tenor of the eye
} Of the foul and viscid redneck, disheartened and de-spined,
}
} You owe the Oracle a good last line.


83-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does my modem work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It has a little gnome inside
} Who would leave if he weren't tied,
} Who reads your Macintoshes' screen
} Of every dot and every gleam,
} And in his little gnomish voice
} Calls up his girlfriend named Joyce
} And tells her everything you said,
} In hopes that she'll take him to bed.
} But Joyce to him will not put out;
} To fend him off she tries to shout
} And glum, the modem-gnome transcribes
} Those manifestly evil vibes
} And writes each one upon your Mac.
} And yes, it is a kludgy hack.
}
} You owe the oracle a screw, and half a plate of ratatouill.


83-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could you give me a poem about Lithuanian onion farms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The rhythm and rhyme will be a bit cockeyed, as it is (of course)
} translated from the Lithuanian.
}
} Juris trudges to the field of onions
}   For to fetch Marta his love a sharp bouquet
}     of onions, the vegetable of love.
} Marta, she will not see him,
}   For she has many tasks this day.
}     The life on the farm of onions is a work burden
} Marta, she will not see him,
}   She kisses him and takes the bouquet,
}     And then she must go stuff leaves in the mouth of her sleeping
}     brother.
} There are many chores on the farm of onions,
}   This is the way of life in sweet Lithuania
}     This is the joy of the farm of onions.


© Copyright 1989-2014 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org