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21 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 4:55:09 GMT

Internet Oracularities #830

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830, 830-01, 830-02, 830-03, 830-04, 830-05, 830-06, 830-07, 830-08, 830-09, 830-10


Internet Oracularities #830    (94 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 27 Apr 1996 18:14:42 -0500 (EST)

@@@                        *** We Have a Winner! ***
@@@
@@@ Oracularity #824-05, the Top 150 Things To Do When Bored, was
@@@ the highest scoring of its digest by a good margin, with a 3.8
@@@ out of 5.0 and a distribution of 5hozM.  Its authors, supplicant
@@@ Clay Petsche of Blackburg, Virginia, USA and long-time incarnation
@@@ extraordinaire Robert Menke of Los Alamitos, California, USA, are
@@@ being awarded a copy of the LifeView software and LifeHumor humor
@@@ archives <URL:http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor/> (courtesy of
@@@ Cate3's Classic Comedy and Steve Kinzler).
@@@
@@@ On the occasion, Robert had this to say:
@@@
@@@     It is ironic (or strangely just?  You decide) that I should be the
@@@     one to receive an award that commemorates the new name of the
@@@     Great One, as I have been vehemently opposed to such a change from
@@@     the start.  It is equally ironic that I cannot benefit from the
@@@     prize as I only have a SparcStation and a Macintosh at home.
@@@     Perhaps it IS just.
@@@
@@@     You have to understand.  The Oracle and I have been together a
@@@     long time, almost as long as you and he (my first contribution to
@@@     a digest was in issue 11).  He was there when my hard drive
@@@     crashed ("so you lost a bunch of nudie pictures, so what"); he was
@@@     there when I graduated ("stay in school"); he offered advice about
@@@     my first job ("bail, man") and my lovers ("dump 'em"); he consoled
@@@     me through layoffs ("keep looking") and working for IBM ("RUN
@@@     AWAY!"); and, most importantly, he told me who would win in a
@@@     showdown between Picard and Darth Vader ("depends on WHICH Picard
@@@     and Vader").  I was there when Lisa appeared, when Barbara was in
@@@     vogue, when the Oracle couldn't decide whether he was a super-
@@@     intelligent computer or an obscure panmythologic deity, and when
@@@     he had to hoof it over to Radio Shack to buy parts for a <ZOT!>
@@@     gun.  I witnessed woodchucks, lemurs, and other fantastic beasts
@@@     have their Warholian fifteen minutes. Changing the Oracle's name
@@@     at this point is almost akin to killing him.  It just won't be the
@@@     same, somehow.
@@@
@@@     Anyway, I'm waxing maudlin.  As Shakespeare so simply put it: "A
@@@     rose by any other name would smell as sweet."  I will get used to
@@@     the new look-n-feel, but it will take Time.
@@@
@@@     BTW, how many past Oracularities are referenced in the list?  I
@@@     think that contributes to some of its charm...
@@@
@@@ I hope Robert, and others who prefer the Usenet name, will realize the
@@@ Oracle will always be The Oracle, and will always answer to its first
@@@ electronic name, no matter how many additional ones it may accumulate
@@@ through the ages.  Congratulations to the winners!

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   830
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

830   94 votes 5swja kusc4 3fnCf 4bGv6 fAu94 8sxi7 5jEm8 cDz71 8pur4 9msle
830   2.9 mean  3.0   2.5   3.5   3.3   2.5   2.9   3.1   2.4   2.9   3.1


830-01    (5swja dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 1099?  W-2?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Al Heiselmann here -- CPA for the Internet Oracle.
}
} Orrie and I, after reviewing your records, have decided
} that you're going to need a few other forms than just
} those two. After all, a man in your position owes a bit
} more than usual. The forms you need are:
}
} W-8 Certificate of Foreign Status
} W-8A Certificate of Receipt for Italian Porn Star
} W-10 Dependent Care Provider's Identification
} W-4 Employee's Withholding Allowance Certificate
} W-93 Certificate That Means Nothing At All
} W-2GU Island of Guam Wage and Tax Statement on Secret Evil Lair
} W-3PR Informe de Comprobantes de Retencion Transmit
} W-43PR El taxo de Los Cajones
} 706CE Certification of Payment of Foreign Death Taxes
} 706NA United States Football League Sucks
} 1000 Caribou Ownership Certificate
} 1040X Amended U.S. Individual Income tax Return for Imbeciles
} 1040ES (Espanol) Contribucion Federal Estimada Del taxo
} 1040A (Schedule 1) Interest and Dividend Income
} 1040A (Schedule 2) Roommate Care Expenses
} 1040 (Schedule D) Capital Gains and Losses
} 1040 (Schedule E) Brain Loss Due to Electroshock
} 2119 Sale of Your Home
} 2119A Sale of Your Life
} 2290 Heavy Vehicle Use Tax Return
} 2291 Crappy Car Surcharge (Eyesore Tax)
}
} Be sure to fill out everything you can, even if the box given
} doesn't seem to have the space for what you want to write; The
} IRS can sort it out later.
}
} Oh, by the way, I just thought I'd remind you that your
} taxes were due LAST week.
}
} You owe...
}
} Oh, let's be honest. You're screwed; I'm not gonna ask
} anything in payment from _you_.


830-02    (kusc4 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me ye funky oracle:
> If your girlfriend won't cook and she doesn't put out, do you give her
> bus money on the way out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you might be a little confused, dear supplicant.  Your
} girlfriend doesn't need to cook; that's what you have cookers for.  All
} one of you needs to do is operate it.
}
} And you put out cats, not girlfriends.  Cats have more fur and hence
} stay warm outside.
}
} But you could give her bus money.  Just be aware that it takes a lot of
} money to buy a bus.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bus (preferably double-decker) in 64 bits.


830-03    (3fnCf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, who is never late (no matter how much
> the clowns in r.h.o.d gripe), please shed some light on a
> mystery for this humble supplicant abasing himself at your feet.
>
> I'm supposed to get to work by 9:00 in the morning.  However, I
> never manage to make it in until 9:30.  There's something about
> the traffic that I just don't understand.  If I leave home at
> 9:00, it takes me 30 minutes to get to work.  If I leave at
> 8:50, it takes me 40 minutes.  If I leave at 8:30, it takes an
> hour.  I haven't tried it, but I bet if I left yesterday, it
> would take me the entire day to drive to work.  Please, oh
> mighty Oracle, can you explain this ungodly phenomenon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are encountering Murphy's Law of Traffic Recursion: As departure
} time approaches a fixed point, journey time decreases. However, you
} have failed to spot the obvious solution; If you leave after 9:30,
} you will actually arrive at work before you left home.
}
} Do not leave at exactly 9:30, as then you will become infinitely
} heavy and find it difficult to get trousers that fit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a flashing blue light for the top of his car.


830-04    (4bGv6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and omnipotent Oracle, one who has more knowledge of the
> breeding habits of the peregrine falcon than the whole world combined,
> could you answer me this simple question? No, not that one, this one:
>
> If you're so omnipotent, why don't you already know the questions
> people are going to ask you and then correspondingly send them their
> answers before they ask the questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Accounting, mostly. If I just send answers out, there's no paper trail.
} It's a lot easier to send a collection agency after a supplicant when I
} can prove that they actually asked the question that I'm charging them
} for.
}
} Oh... you thought this was free, didn't you?
}
} You owe the Oracle some big guys named Vinnie.


830-05    (fAu94 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, and so shining, though I guess, you are so bright,
> thus can answer my question.....
>
> You see, I go to school, and in that shcool, we have different classes,
> one of that is marketing, you see we have projects too, and one in
> that class.  And we shall deliver the final paper next monday, and
> you see this is the last day we can work on that, and I got the work
> of writing a foreword....
>
> It's about marketing relationship, could you please help me write
> it......??????
>
> I only got as far as "this procject is about......" please pretty,
> with sugar on....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damnedable procrastinator!  you think you can just slap on a few pretty
} words, grovel, and I, the Great Oracle, would write your report for
} you? HA!
}         what...MY CONTRACT???!?!?....oh all right....I SAID ALL RIGHT!!
}     some people think that I should do it for...other...reasons.  Here
}     we go:
}            Here are some famous first words.  maybe they can help:
}                 In the begining...(maybe not)
}                 Four score and...(too presidential)
}                 Call me Ishmael...(copywrite infringement?)
}                 This is the ORACLE speaking!....(YES!YES!YES!)
}     Okay, now you have a start,  now the end:
}                 THE END...(too final)
}                 El Fin....(Too Foreign)
}                 You owe the Oracle...(Hey, it works...)
}     All you have to do is fill in the middle...not hard, right?
}         okay boss, I gave the supplicant his STINKING answer.  can I go
}         home?
}
} You owe the Oracle a new batch of ideas for papers.


830-06    (8sxi7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can we do a broadcast message on my lost wedding ring?  It's oval
> shaped diamonds on the side with a guard with round and marquis shaped
> diamonds in it.  Any help would be deeply appreciated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course you can. For this answer, you owe the Oracle one oval shaped
} ring with diamonds on the side, and a guard with round and marquis
} shaped diamonds in it.
}
} Hang on, scratch that ... I've just found one wedged in the
} sole of my shoe.


830-07    (5jEm8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O premium Oracle, not from concentrate:
>
> Why does Zima taste like flat Sprite? And why do they make that Gold
> Zima when the selling point of Zima in the first place was that it was
> clear? And what's the point of clear Pepsi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle wonders why a mortal such as yourself would
} waste the few precious moments of your lifespan even
} thinking about such travesties as Zima or Pepsi, however...
}
} Zima is the ultimate extension of the American beer
} marketer - beer that doesn't taste like beer. This is
} done in pursuit of the greatest good for the profit margin.
} By removing excess product such as quality hops, barley, and
} yeast, the corporation extracts the maximum amount of profit
} per Zima unit.  I have it on the best authority that Zima
} is nothing more than diluted generic brand carbonated lime
} flavored water mixed with small quantities of Everclear.
}
} The Zima Gold is the same, but with a tiny bit more Everclear.
} That came about when marketing studies showed that teenage boys
} perceived Zima as "a girl's drink". Actually that is a misnomer
} since Zima is "a person who doesn't know what good beer is like"
} drink, however, the Marketing department responded by upping the
} alcohol level in hopes of creating an image for Zima Gold
} as "a person who wants to get really hammered" drink.
}
} Pepsi Clear is another matter altogether. For generations,
} cola drinks have had a bad reputation of promoting acne
} in teenagers on the evidence that:
}
} Major Premise: Teenagers drink a lot of cola drinks
} Minor Premise: Teenages generally have acne
} Conclusion: Drinking cola gives teenagers acne
}
} The astute observer will note that this is a variation of
} the "sex is good for the skin" argument:
}
} Major Premise: Most teenage boys don't get laid
} Minor Premise: Most teenage boys have acne
} Conclusion: Teenage acne can be cured by getting laid
}
} But I digress...
}
} Common wisdom holds that the caramel and other artificial colorings
} are responsible for teenage acne. So by removing these and
} associating the word "Clear" with Pepsi, the Marketers hoped
} to instill the idea that drinking the product would lead
} to Clear-er skin. Note the similarity with Clearasil, zit cream
} to generations of American teenagers. There were future plans
} to market Pepsi Clear with Aloe, but that fell through when
} no one bought Pepsi Clear.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Guiness


830-08    (cDz71 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *Supplicant drops a quarter in the machine and the red *grovel* sign
> lights up.*
>
> "Super nifty, neato, really wondrously smart Oracle"
>
> * changes to green *ask question* sign*
>
> "Why is it that people never realize they've done something
> irretrievably stupid until a split second after they do it?"
>
> *Blue *pondering* light goes on for a moment.  Then the Oracle drops a
> card through the slot that says...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                        _______________________________
}                       |                               |
}                       |                               |
}                       |     YOUR WISH IS GRANTED      |
}                       |                               |
}                       |                               |
}                       !_______________________________!
}
} The Almighty Oracle wonders whether thee be a true believer or just a
} back row oraclist ?
}
} Firstly, you cannot find true enlightenment for the mere price of a
} quarter.  Your immortal soul is required to know the deepest meanings
} of life.  Oh well, here is a freebee:
}
}         Stupidity is a trait usually attributed to the young.  However,
} as the Oracle, I have been witness to countless acts of stupidity from
} all age ranges.  There is no avoiding it, there is only trying to make
} up for it. The only sure fire way to avoid a stupid act is to avoid
} acting altogether. The goal in this life is to find one who understands
} and accepts that there will occasionally be acts of stupidity yet
} chooses to remain by your side to the end.  Find that person.
}
} Oracle out.


830-09    (8pur4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [;rsdr yr;; mr"
>
> ejsy s, O fpomh wtpmh eoyj ,u lrunpstfz
>
> yjsmld om sfbsmvr gpt upit jr;[

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh encumbered supplicant,
}
} Your problem is twofold.  The immediate cause for
} your difficulty is that you are holding down your
} shift key all the time, presumably because you are
} trying to "shout" electronically.  Please stop that.
} I'm not deaf.
}
} "But why," you may ask, "doesn't that just turn all
} my letters into capitals?"  That brings us to your
} second problem.  Your keyboard is defective.  In
} particular, the shift keycap has been installed
} sideways, so that the little arrow is pointing off
} to the left.  The result of this is that each letter
} is shifted to one side, rather than being capitalized.
}
} You owe the Oracle a seakrit dekodur wring.


830-10    (9msle dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, tell me a story!  Please!  Please, please, please tell me a
> story!  Tell me, tell me, tell me story!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, again?  And you just had a glass of water?  Oh, all right.
}
} Once upon a time, oh best beloved, in the days when everybody took
} rather than gave, there was a self-righteous TV preacher, some drugged
} wine, a hot tub, and a secretary with more curves than brains.  (Do not
} forget the curves, oh best beloved.  Ask your mother to tell you about
} bimbos.)
}
} On this Saturday night, my child, the two had just reached a tentative
} merger agreement.  What is a merger agreement, oh light of my eyes?  It
} is a type of non-hostile takeover.  Ask your friend Sammy the Fish
} about hostile takeovers, my child.
}
} However, as some things will happen (Do you remember the curves, my
} child?) and just as they were about to get into the tub, the Oracle
} came home, and there was a huge
}
} *ZOT*
}
} And that is the end of the story, oh best beloved, and that is why your
} mother lives in the jar on the mantel.  Now go to sleep and dream of
} mongooses.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "A Child's Garden of Awfully Nasty
} Things."


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