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Internet Oracularities #831

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831, 831-01, 831-02, 831-03, 831-04, 831-05, 831-06, 831-07, 831-08, 831-09, 831-10


Internet Oracularities #831    (120 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 1 May 1996 14:38:38 -0500 (EST)

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

831  120 votes dNwk6 fEKe5 ervvh 8pByg euFr8 39NBm fpEv9 awyya 8hAAn 6yNq5
831   3.0 mean  2.6   2.6   3.1   3.2   2.9   3.5   3.0   3.0   3.4   2.9


831-01    (dNwk6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wise Oracle,please tell me: which is university BEST in the world

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} The best university in the world is the University of Haight-Ashbury
} which offers such courses as:
}
} -Qualitative and Quantitative Analysis of Belly Button Lint
} -Autoerotic Technique
} -Sublingual Concealment of Contraband
} -Appreciation of Leather Clothing Systems
} -Tatoos in Historical Context
} -Maintenence of Internally Concealed Rodents
} -Cloud Appreciation
} -Methods of Unassisted Flight
} -Public Relations in Obtaining Alternative Sources of Income
}  (Panhandling)
}
} You owe the Oracle a date to speak at your graduation.


831-02    (fEKe5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle whose brain we love to pick, much like the little bird
> picks at the mites running across the back of the hippopotamus,
> Please answer your humble servant this question:
>
> Why is it that after brushing your teeth, certain foods like
> orange juice taste so bad?   Is this perhaps an early warning
> system for your body, letting you know that these items should
> never be mixed outside of a controlled environment?  Are there
> any foods that should not be mixed for fear of internal damage?
>
> (My lunchtime is fast approaching, and I want to be sure I have nothing
> potentially dangerous waiting for me, so please answer soon)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The FBI would never admit it, but mixing orange juice and toothpaste
} can make a powerful explosive, especially if a good quantity of baked
} beans are added.  You should be careful of other dangerous
} combinations:
}
}   - Greek salad with Turkish Taffee
}
}   - Russian caviar with sashimi
}
}   - Corned beef with cabbage
}
} You owe the Oracle an Hungarian Goulash.


831-03    (ervvh dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will my code pass the code review?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > #include <pasta.h>
} >
} > class Sauce {
} > public:
} >     veg Tomato;
} >     veg Garlic;
} >     herb Basil;
} >     oil OliveOil;
}
} With spaghetti code like that, they're not even going to bother with a
} walk-through.
}
} You owe the Oracle the latest update to Victual C++.


831-04    (8pByg dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, wise and all-powerful giver of truth, fact, and information;
> bountiful source of knowledge of all things real and imagined; terrific
> of personality and a really sharp dresser, please excuse this truly
> insufficient grovel from your most devout worshipper and
> humble-beyond-all-humility servant, and deign to answer this, my most
> sincerely asked question yet:
>
> What toy was the song "The Marvelous Toy" about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Definitely the Fisher-Price Castle, with the trapdoor on top that leads
} into a little dungeon where you can lock up the little wooden people.
} Or better yet, you tie a piece of yarn real tight around one of their
} little necks, then wind it all in and out the windows and doors, and
} finally down the trapdoor and into the dungeon.  Then you make like
} he's walking around on top of the castle, just strolling along, not a
} care in the world, then - Oh, no - you start yanking really hard on the
} yarn, and he gets pulled into the castle through a window and he gets
} bounced around and comes flying back in the door and rattles some more,
} and then he launches out the other side (he's in little Fisher-price
} wooden guy hell right about now) swings up, over the castle and gets
} sucked right down the trap door into the dungeon.
}  Whew!  Let's do that again!  If that's not marvelous, I don't know
} what is.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Fisher-Price Garage, with the little cars and
} the little ramp that leads up to the top.  And some golf balls.


831-05    (euFr8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would be a good name for my new band?
> If I dont find one by monday I'll just call myself "Orbit" to confuse
> matters further.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know why you're asking for MY help... you seem to have a few
} good ideas there.  My favorite four from your list would be:
}
} "A Good Name"
} "Find One by Monday"
} "Confusing Matters"
} "Call Myself Orbit"
}
} Any of those ought to work.
}
} You owe the Oracle an album from "Toad the Wet Sprocket."


831-06    (39NBm dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose skills in any strategy game, even those you've
> never played far outclass anyone who has ever played any games
> anywhere, please tell me this:
>
> Will computers ever be better than humans at chess?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heck, already most computers are better than most humans at chess. It
} won't be long until even grandmasters are unable to beat the best
} chess-playing computers. Let me just consult the schedule of future
} events...
}
} (sound of pages flipping)
}
} 1997  In a historic re-match, "Deeper Blue", the updated version of
} Deep Blue, wins five straight games against Garry Kasparov. During
} post-game analysis, a flustered Kasparov is quoted as saying,
} "Basically, it plain whupped my ass."
}
} 1998  Expert systems are now in common use, performing highly
} complicated tasks such as stock market analysis, medical research,
} real-time weather modeling, and installing Microsoft Windows.
}
} 2000  "High RISC" is the first computer to join a high school chess
} club. Is given frequent wedgies by the cooler computers on the football
} team.
}
} 2002  Nearly all chess games are now played by computers. Humans still
} compete to see who can program the best chess-playing algorithm.
}
} 2003  All chess-playing algorithms are now developed by computers
} themselves.
}
} 2008  America elects a computer for President, a massively parallel
} workstation called "Fred". Although pundits originally claimed that
} voters weren't ready for a robot in public office, Fred countered,
} "Well, they didn't have a problem with Al Gore."
}
} 2017  With computers to do the thinking, most of the human population
} has by now completely given up on forming complex thoughts. Across the
} globe, average I.Q.s plummet.
}
} 2019  "Baywatch" remains the most popular television show in the world.
}
} You owe the Oracle Bobby Fischer's home phone number.


831-07    (fpEv9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Venerated Oracle, who always knows what time it is, even when he's
> wearing two watches:
>
> For a perfect cup of tea, what is the proper amount of time to allow
> the teabag to steep in the hot water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ah, young seeker of Enlightenment.  Is it not written that the
} first step upon the journey to true Wisdom is to ask the correct
} question?  It is written, isn't it?  Because I could have sworn I read
} that somewhere.
}       Young eyes look, but they do not see.  Young ears hear, but they
} do not listen.  Young kids ask for all kinds of toys for Christmas, but
} when they get them, they never play with them.
}       For it is not the tea bag which is allowed to steep in the
} water.  It is the water which is allowed to surround the tea bag,
} partaking of its glorious essence.  Much as the young novitiate may
} absorb the wisdom of the Masters by sitting at their feet, so also the
} plain and ordinary water is transformed by its proximity to the tea
} bag. Notice that the young novitiate is sitting *at* the Master's feet,
} not *on* the Master's feet.  It's a subtle point, but you'd be
} surprised how many novitiates I get who try to sit on my feet.
}       Not only is it painful for the Master, but there are some risks
} for the novitiate as well.  Particularly those assigned to Master Kim.
} You didn't hear this from me, but he has the most disgusting toe nail
} fungus I have ever seen.  Anyway, back to the question.
}       Consider the lotus blossom.  O.K.  That's enough.  We don't have
} time to sit around considering lotus blossoms all day.  There's work to
} be done.  Can the essence of the spiritual communion between water and
} tea bag be truly quantified in limited Western units such as minutes or
} seconds?  I don't know.  My assistant handles that kind of thing.  His
} e-mail address is   worthless.groveling.servant@dungeon.darkest.com.


831-08    (awyya dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If electronic mail is e-mail, and postal mail is snail mail, what is
> fax mail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Waste of paper-mail.
}
} You owe the Oracle two dead trees and a voice mail
} greeting in the style of Mae West.


831-09    (8hAAn dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Tell me, oh well dressed, good-looking,
> oracle-to-put-all-other-oracles-to-shame oracle,  how did you become
> the oracle?  Were you born with these special powers, or did even a
> higher being incarnate you into this exalted position?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Higher power?  HIGHER POWER????  There IS no higher power!!!  I
} am the highest power in the universe!  I control all I survey!!  There
} is nothing that can stand before me without cowering in utter despair!
} I am the best, most omnipotent, most
}     ****ZOT!!****
} .. What the hell was that??
}
} .. What?
}
} .. Oh come on, not now.
}
} .. But --
}
} .. But --
}
} .. But, PLEASE?
}
} .. I don't wanna come in.  I don't, I don't I don't.  I'm not hungry
} right now, and I'm not done playing with my supplicants.
}
} .. Aw, come on.
}
} .. Aw, MOM!!...
}
} Sorry, supplicant, but Mom says I gotta come in now.  Ask me again
} tomorrow.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tree house.  With a night light.


831-10    (6yNq5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@cs.mcgill.ca

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, wiser and more mighty than the Holy Mackerel, to whom all
> mackerel must bow down; faster and more powerful than the Koala of
> Doom, before whom all marsupials tremble; nobler and prouder than the
> Great Pelican, besides whom albatrosses are as gnats, hear my plea...
>
> Why does my cat occasionally climb up the corner of the room and cling
> just below the ceiling?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid your cat is a little unbalanced.  That's unbalanced as in
} mentally ill.  He's suffering from a rare form of feline schizophrenia,
} and he has delusions that he's a spider.  You may also have noticed
} him catching moths and eating them - it's all tied together.
}
} You should take your cat to the vet.  There are a variety of
} antipsychotic medications which can be prescribed for this condition.
} Catching the cat may be a little tricky, but you can make the job
} easier by turning on the air conditioning.  As the room cools down,
} the cat (thinking that he's a spider and therefore cold-blooded)
} will become torpid.  On no account should you swat him with a
} rolled-up newspaper.  This would be terribly traumatic, and he might
} never recover.
}
} You owe the Oracle some No-Pet Strips.


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