[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:35:16 GMT

Internet Oracularities #832

Goto:
832, 832-01, 832-02, 832-03, 832-04, 832-05, 832-06, 832-07, 832-08, 832-09, 832-10


Internet Oracularities #832    (120 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 6 May 1996 09:45:54 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   832
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

832  120 votes nwym9 pHti5 6ESf5 3hAKi 5nuvv d8CEl 6tCti 6kNwd 7kFH9 6mLza
832   3.1 mean  2.7   2.5   2.8   3.5   3.5   3.4   3.2   3.2   3.2   3.2


832-01    (nwym9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  DO you like cake?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} } Cake takes hours to make,
} } so, no I do not like to bake cake.
}
} > Here is instant cake mix
} > Does this your cake aversion fix?
}
} } Instant cake mix tastes like slime
} } I want my cake to be divine.
}
} > For four hours I shall slave
} > to make a cake that will make you rave.
}
} } I am pleased you have service to offer
} } Most seeking me have only questions to proffer.
}
} > Answer the supplicants' questions then
} > I shall bring the cake to your den.
}
} } I have eaten my fill
} } but now I feel very ill.
}
} > You turned my pet woodchuck to ash
} > so I baked in my entire strychnine stash.
}
} } Foolish supplicant, you will see
} } that strychnine has no effect on *URGH*


832-02    (pHti5 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who tells Yahoo what to list, what is this "life" thing
> that people keep recommending to me, and how should I go about
> getting one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} the Milton-Bradley version is currently available at Toys-R-Us and the
} original and cinnamon flavored ones are in ailse 3 at you local Stop &
} Shop.
}
} you owe the oracle something Mikey likes.


832-03    (6ESf5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr.Oracle
>
> I have heard news that if you Order a Pizza over the Internet you can
> get very sick and might even die - because the "Pizza" "Place" might
> have a virus on their "server" and you can get it from the
> Internet-pizza.  Is this true !?
>
> I also heard that most of these viruses are not detectable by some
> kind of a scanner - is this a CAT scan thing or what? I think a Dr.
> Solomon designed this scanner (is this right?)
>
> Please Mr. Oracle let me know - I'm not Crazy!! no!! "Hey Elvis tell
> Marilyn to stop licking my ear !!) ...... I'm not Crazy ........
>
> Hello.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sadly, the first part of your question is true, especially if you order
} a pizza with pepperoni on it.  The Oracle, sitting most high, has
} observed foolish supplicants, having scarfed down a pizza and a
} six-pack, writhing in agony on the floor.  The Oracle notes that this
} seems to happen most often in college dorms, but that is likely just a
} demographic thing.
}
} Fortunately, the secong part of your question is not true.  When the
} pizza arrives, feed a piece of it to your cat, who will act as a
} scanner.  You must now observe the cat carefully.  If within the next
} six weeks, the cat begins to spin wildly and then starts to fade from
} existence, you know that you have a problem with the pizza.  (Note that
} you must first check carefully to insure that you do not have a
} Cheshire cat.  If you do, you may receive a large number of false
} positive readings.)  Otherwise, eat the pizza.  Of course, it will be a
} bit congealed by this point.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gyro.


832-04    (3hAKi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> nerd

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I've been called some things in my time, but 'nerd?'
}
} I don't think so.  Let's look at the evidence, starting with the
} argument:
}
} 1.  I do spend a lot of time using computers.
} 2.  Being omniscient, I do know an awful lot about them.
} 3.  I often write to people via email, who are frequently in the same
}     room as me.
} 4.  I never sleep.
} 5.  Lisa says I spend far too much time doing this, and ignoring her.
} 6.  There is no number 6.
} 7.  I do find it tricky to make friends.  Being infinitely more
}     intelligent than everybody else doesn't help.  Nor do Monty Python
}     quotes.
} 8.  I always give completely accurate (though often useless) replies to
}     questions.
} 9.  My perspectives are a _little_ different to yours.
} 10. I did have time to write this list.
}
} Hmmm, pretty damning so far.  The counter-argument:
}
} Err, I ... that is to say, We.....  Well, I mean... OK, so I...
}
} Damn.
}
} You owe the Oracle a life.


832-05    (5nuvv dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Supreme Oracle, whose nose is not too long and whose weight is
> perfectly controlled, please tell me whether Shakespeare was right.
> Is it *really* better to have loved and lost than not to have loved
> at all?  And is it in fact better still to be disembowlled alive by
> wild polecats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Allow the Oracle to set the record straight:  William Shakespeare
} was a drooling, illiterate idiot who couldn't even spell his own name
} the same way twice.  All of the works attributed to him were in fact
} written by the members of the Stratford on Avon Stonemason's Guild
} local 147. These men were desperate for creative release from their
} tedious daily lives, but were constrained by the rigid stereotypes that
} bound their society.
}       As a result, these men worked together to compose the greatest
} body of literature of the era, and gave credit for all their work
} to Billy Ray Shakespeare, a local simpleton employed by the Globe
} theater to clean away all the rotten vegetables thrown at the actors.
} Allow me a moment to digress by saying that the Globe theater is in
} itself a fitting symbol of the intellectual state of the British
} Empire.  The architect who designed the theater actually believed he
} was creating an accurate representation of the Earth, based on the
} currently popular concept that the Earth was an eight-sided figure with
} a large hole running through the center.
}       Billy Ray was vaulted to stardom by the works that bore his
} name.  Ironically, the only work actually written by Shakespeare was a
} sonnet entitled "Speak not of this to mine tormented, fragile
} ventricle", which was unanimously panned by literary critics.
}       The cause of your confusion, O humble supplicant, is that
} the original manuscripts were written by these craftsmen as they went
} about their trade.  As a result, most sentences have key words which
} are obscured by globs of mortar, drops of sweat, or spilled tea.  This
} has long been suspected by high school students who struggle to
} comprehend the works of "Shakespeare", but has been concealed from the
} general public as a result of a massive coverup engineered by
} Greenpeace and the Better Business Bureau.
}       The passage you site is in fact missing several crucial phrases.
} The actual text should read:  It is better to have loved an
} intelligent, loving, gorgeous woman who can build a stone wall without
} the use of mortar and lost three pounds betting against the Glasgow
} Serfs in the witch burning championship than to have never loved a
} tuberculosis-infected mongoose with a dry hacking cough and no hair at
} all.  Although somewhat less poetic than the currently accepted
} version, it is nonetheless powerful in its own right.
}       There is only one direct reference to polecats in the works of
} Shakespeare.  In the closing scene of the second act of "Two Less Than
} Interesting Men and a Young Boy Dressed as a Woman Speaking to One
} Another in Archaic, Convoluted Prose in an Unidentified Structure
} Presumably on the Outskirts of Verona" the following exchange takes
} place:
}
}       Influenza: Didst thou not me this into thy portal anon?
}       Malaria:   Verily, yet dost not the stinking flesh like the skin
} of an ill-fated beast of three backs left too long beneath the
} gibbering Sun's cruel and malevolent contempt?
}       Diptheria:  Do you smell a polecat?
}
}       Learn from this what you may, O seeker of infinite Truth.  In
} payment, you may now bestow upon the oracle three verbs, two
} adjectives, an adverb, and the personal pronoun of your choice.


832-06    (d8CEl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most delectable,
> What's the difference between horns and antlers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can't get a job playing antlers in the symphony orchestra.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bull which sheds its horns each year.


832-07    (6tCti dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O great and mighty Oracle, the mayor of Funkytown, whose
> brilliance burns brighter than a disco inferno, and whose love is too
> deep to fathom.  Please answer my humble question.
>
>       In cartoons and old movies, whenever there is a need for a
> character to slip and fall down the character will inevitably slip on a
> banana peel.  How did the banana peel become the universal symbol for
> "slippery".
>       I have performed a pilot study in an attempt to analyze this
> phenomenon.  After placing a banana peel on the floor and having a
> variety of volunteers step on it, none of the ten subjects slipped or
> lost their balance.  The only visible result was a thin, sticky, clear
> film which oozed from the peel onto the floor.
>       (Please note that all volunteers for this study were informed of
> the potential risks and signed informed consent waivers.  Protective
> padding was issued to all participants under OSHA guidelines.  The use
> of human subjects in this study was approved by the Institutional
> Ethics Committee.)
>       I beg Enlightenment, Oracle most wise.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Back in the days of the earliest vaudeville shows, there once was a
} performer named Larry "Avacado" Stubing.  Avacado rose to prominance
} very quickly performing, originally, in the smaller theaters of New
} York City, and later becoming very famous on Broadway.  People would
} come for miles and miles to see him perform.  He had a truly great act
} based on the use of vegetables and fruits for gags.  Unfortunately,
} that was all he could do, and eventually people tired of this.  As time
} went on, the reaction of the crowds to his act got to be as lousy as
} the stench of his rotting fruit.  Avacado started drinking heavily,
} and was completely unable to write any new material for his act.
} He ended up on the street, begging for coins so that he could buy
} more liquor.  He would try short bits from his act on strangers on
} the street, and they would avoid or verbally abuse him for it.  As his
} props rotted away, all that remained was a single banana, now a slimy,
} black, smelly version of its former self.  Avacado was left with a
} single old, tired joke that compared the banana to the male sex organ,
} and with that particular banana, the joke just wasn't funny anymore.
} As it happened, the last time he tried that joke and got nothing but
} rude retorts for it, he just dropped the banana on the ground and tried
} to get away.  One of the spectators harshly shoved him, and he stepped
} back, and stepped on the banana, that was now a rotting, slimy mess on
} the ground.  Needless to say, Avacado slipped on the banana, and fell,
} unfortunately injuring himself very badly.  Since everyone watching
} this completely hated him, they all thought this was very, very funny
} and laughed at him for several minutes.  Avacado's injuries were so
} severe, and nobody came to help him, that after a short time of lying
} on the ground with broken bones and internal bleeding, he finally died.
} But he went to his grave utterly convinced that he had revived his
} career, and would have risen to stardom again, if he could only get up.
}
} Reports of the incident spread like wildfire through the vaudeville
} community, and as a tribute to this once-great comedian, other
} performers started including the banana-peel-slipping gag in their
} acts.  Everyone knew why they did this, and would laugh, not because
} it was funny, but to honor the memory of Avacado Stubing, who gave
} his life trying to make people laugh.
}
} So, you see, the banana-peel-slipping gag isn't really funny; it's
} done as a tribute to a true innovator in the field of physical humor.
}
} I'm surprised you didn't know that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a banana.  Just don't leave it on the floor.


832-08    (6kNwd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Flabulous Oracle, I would like to go into this Oracle business, and
> maybe compete with you.  Don't worry, I would not undercut your
> prices.
>
> I need to know:
>
>  - Where do I take courses on becoming Omniscient?
>
>  - What's the proper technique for ZOTting?
>
>  - Woodchucks and lemurs, I understand, but what's all this with the
>    owls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is pleased that such a fine young entrepeneur like yourself
} has chosen to join the ranks of the world's oldest profession.  (yes,
} we were here before the hookers.)  The road to Oracledom is long and
} hard, tougher ones than you have trie and failed, oh puny supplicant.
} Here, fill out this application, and we'll get you on your way:
}
} ========================================================================
} | The Famous Oracle's School Application Form
} | Please fill out this form using a No. 2 pencil, or the feather quill
} | of a Mongolian Goose.
} |
} |  Personal Data
} |
} |  No, don't bother.  We wouldn't be much in the way of Oracles if we
} |  didn't know this stuff already.  By the way, your mother's real
} | maiden name is Bacigalupa (ask her about it in a couple of years...)
} |
} |  Education
} |
} |  OK, you got through school and got your degree in
} |  Socioanthropolyandromorphology.  (Even if you did cheat on the
} | final.)
} |
} |  Employment History
} |
} |  McDonald's....mmm....Jr. assistant fries cook....Wal-Mart.....
} |  "Assistant inventory controller".....stock clerk....MICROSOFT!?!?!
} |  Usually that's an automatic disqualification, but since you worked
} |  in the mailroom, we'll let it slide...
} |
} |  References
} |
} |  I'm impressed, not everyone can get glowing references from O. J.
} |  Simpson, Timothy McVeigh, and Susan Smith.
} |
} |  Salary Requirements
} |
} |  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHOHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!
} |  Hey Kinzler, get a load of what the supplicant wants for a salary!
} |  GUFFAWGUFFAWGUFFAWROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLSNICKERSNICKERSNICKERLAUGH!
} |
} |  ______________________________   ___________
} |  applicant's signature            date
} |
} |  All applications will be processed in a timely manner.  If you are
} | accepted, pack your bags, and be waiting on your front lawn that
} | night at midnight local time.  We will be by to pick you up.  Due to
} | the sensitive nature of being an apprentice Oracle, we will be
} | disguised as your local police.  Do not resist, just obey their
} | orders.
} |
} |=======================================================================
}
} You owe The Oracle USD $10,478.95 for first-year's
} incaceration^h^h^h^h^h^h^h^h^h^h^h tuition, room & board, and
} registration fees.  Your Learner's Permit for your practice wand will
} come under seperate cover.


832-09    (7kFH9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't animal biscuits look like actual animals?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Your question represents a misconception common to many people.
} Animal biscuits are not baked to resemble animals, they are actually
} baked *by* animals.
}       Owners of large corporations have found one of the truly great
} loopholes in the labor laws of this country.  Issues such as worker
} safety and minimum wages apply only to HUMAN employees.  As a result
} many companies have adopted a policy of employing animals in as many
} positions as possible.
}       The federal government was actually the first to experiment in
} animal employment as a means of reducing costs.  They were very pleased
} to discover that the spitting cobras used as clerks in the Department
} of Motor Vehicles were actually more polite to customers than the
} original clerks, and had higher degrees of productivity.  Collections
} of deliquent taxes increased 275% when the regular IRS auditors were
} replaced with a pack of rabid mongoose.
}       Military applications, however, proved less successful.  The Air
} Force cut funding for the Flying Squirrel project almost immediately.
} Although the creatures were able to evade enemy radar quite easily,
} their limited payload carrying capacity proved a severe operational
} limitation.  Pentagon officials were also disappointed that the
} squirrels did not display the acceleration or manuverability exhibited
} by the first prototype Rocket J. Squirrel.  Rocket J. Squirrel was
} eventually discharged due to rumors of his involvement with an
} individual later identified as "Bullwinkle J. Moose".
}       Recently de-classified Army films show that a talking mule named
} Francis served as a member of the Women's Air Corps during World War
} II. Francis also received a premature discharge, due in large part
} toward her tendency for "zany, hilarious hijinks".
}
}       You owe the Oracle a can of Mr. Limpet safe tuna and the name of
} all surviving relatives of the unknown soldier.


832-10    (6mLza dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Twelve wise men assembled do not even hold a match to your toes.  Your
> chess rating, unlike mine, is greater than your golf score.  You are
> especially pleased by tripartite grovels.
>
> How can I improve my golf score?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well... hmmm let's see:
}
} Improving golf scores has been a major drain on American productivity
} for over a century and a half and the Oracle considers that if more
} efficient means were employed people could spend less time on the links
} and more time in the office (playing Solitaire, the sole reason for
} the success of Microsoft Windows (think about it)) or at home with
} the family (watching sports on TV, particularly golf).
}
} Well, here it is.  The Oracle's 3 step method for improving your
} golf score.
}
} Part of the problem with golf is that you are hitting a really small
} ball with a club that has a really small head into a really small hole
} far enough away to be in another ZIP code.  No wonder so many golf
} players get so frustrated that they're heading to the clubhouse in
} disgust before they get to the fourth tee.  In fact, in some circles,
} the "back 9" often refers to the beers one consumes while telling
} stories about having to quit early, having hit all of one's balls
} into the water.  And of course whose concentration wouldn't be shot
} with the unnatural acts of fashion that pass for men's golf wear?
} Face it, the game is just too darn hard, so you'll have to change it.
}
} Step 1 consists of doing to golf clubs what the tennis racquet company
} formerly known as Prince did to tennis racquets several years ago:
} Make the head a lot bigger.  You spend less time squinting through a
} hail of sod looking for that beautiful drive down the fairway only to
} discover the ball still sitting on the tee.  The Oracle hates to bow
} down so low as to commit shameless self-promotion, but would recommend
} the Oracular line of sporting equipment featuring the Double Eagle
} brand of golf clubs with the acclaimed California Red Woods (TM),
} Uncle T.I.O.'s Shootin' Irons (TM) and the Over-Your-Head-Wedgie Sand
} Wedge (TM, U.S. Pat. Pending).
}
} Step 2 involves the course.  The Oracle is continually amazed at
} how people complain that they're hitting in the one-forties when
} they're playing on courses that look like a Navy SEAL obstacle course.
} I mean, c'mon... there's sand traps, trees, knee-high rough, water
} everywhere and those stupid windmills.  It's like playing golf in the
} Everglades... or Minnesota.  The Oracle recommends finding a course
} consisting of even ground, shaped much like a wide "V" sloping gently
} down to the green at the far end.  You'll drop two strokes a hole...
} guaranteed.
}
} Step 3 involves the length of holes.  The Oracle is reminded of
} that scene in Apollo 13 where Jim Lovell (as played by Tom Hanks)
} is sitting out on his patio blocking out the moon with his thumb.
} What the movie didn't portray was his thoughts at that moment,
} "Man, this moonshot will be almost as hard as a 453 yard par 5!"
} Remember, they never made it to the moon.  Of course, most golfers
} don't have to contend with a puking Bill Paxton, but I digress.
} The point is that to expect anyone to sink a ball in a hole over
} a quarter mile away in any few than a dozen strokes is ridiculous.
} Shorter distances will improve scores and lower real estate costs.
}
} You owe the Oracle an _honest_ par scorecard from Putt-Putt.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org