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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  DO you like cake?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} } Cake takes hours to make, } } so, no I do not like to bake cake. } } > Here is instant cake mix } > Does this your cake aversion fix? } } } Instant cake mix tastes like slime } } I want my cake to be divine. } } > For four hours I shall slave } > to make a cake that will make you rave. } } } I am pleased you have service to offer } } Most seeking me have only questions to proffer. } } > Answer the supplicants' questions then } > I shall bring the cake to your den. } } } I have eaten my fill } } but now I feel very ill. } } > You turned my pet woodchuck to ash } > so I baked in my entire strychnine stash. } } } Foolish supplicant, you will see } } that strychnine has no effect on *URGH*

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who tells Yahoo what to list, what is this "life" thing > that people keep recommending to me, and how should I go about > getting one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} the Milton-Bradley version is currently available at Toys-R-Us and the } original and cinnamon flavored ones are in ailse 3 at you local Stop & } Shop. } } you owe the oracle something Mikey likes.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr.Oracle > > I have heard news that if you Order a Pizza over the Internet you can > get very sick and might even die - because the "Pizza" "Place" might > have a virus on their "server" and you can get it from the > Internet-pizza.  Is this true !? > > I also heard that most of these viruses are not detectable by some > kind of a scanner - is this a CAT scan thing or what? I think a Dr. > Solomon designed this scanner (is this right?) > > Please Mr. Oracle let me know - I'm not Crazy!! no!! "Hey Elvis tell > Marilyn to stop licking my ear !!) ...... I'm not Crazy ........ > > Hello.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sadly, the first part of your question is true, especially if you order } a pizza with pepperoni on it.  The Oracle, sitting most high, has } observed foolish supplicants, having scarfed down a pizza and a } six-pack, writhing in agony on the floor.  The Oracle notes that this } seems to happen most often in college dorms, but that is likely just a } demographic thing. } } Fortunately, the secong part of your question is not true.  When the } pizza arrives, feed a piece of it to your cat, who will act as a } scanner.  You must now observe the cat carefully.  If within the next } six weeks, the cat begins to spin wildly and then starts to fade from } existence, you know that you have a problem with the pizza.  (Note that } you must first check carefully to insure that you do not have a } Cheshire cat.  If you do, you may receive a large number of false } positive readings.)  Otherwise, eat the pizza.  Of course, it will be a } bit congealed by this point. } } You owe the Oracle a gyro.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> nerd

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I've been called some things in my time, but 'nerd?' } } I don't think so.  Let's look at the evidence, starting with the } argument: } } 1.  I do spend a lot of time using computers. } 2.  Being omniscient, I do know an awful lot about them. } 3.  I often write to people via email, who are frequently in the same }     room as me. } 4.  I never sleep. } 5.  Lisa says I spend far too much time doing this, and ignoring her. } 6.  There is no number 6. } 7.  I do find it tricky to make friends.  Being infinitely more }     intelligent than everybody else doesn't help.  Nor do Monty Python }     quotes. } 8.  I always give completely accurate (though often useless) replies to }     questions. } 9.  My perspectives are a _little_ different to yours. } 10. I did have time to write this list. } } Hmmm, pretty damning so far.  The counter-argument: } } Err, I ... that is to say, We.....  Well, I mean... OK, so I... } } Damn. } } You owe the Oracle a life.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Supreme Oracle, whose nose is not too long and whose weight is > perfectly controlled, please tell me whether Shakespeare was right. > Is it *really* better to have loved and lost than not to have loved > at all?  And is it in fact better still to be disembowlled alive by > wild polecats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Allow the Oracle to set the record straight:  William Shakespeare } was a drooling, illiterate idiot who couldn't even spell his own name } the same way twice.  All of the works attributed to him were in fact } written by the members of the Stratford on Avon Stonemason's Guild } local 147. These men were desperate for creative release from their } tedious daily lives, but were constrained by the rigid stereotypes that } bound their society. }       As a result, these men worked together to compose the greatest } body of literature of the era, and gave credit for all their work } to Billy Ray Shakespeare, a local simpleton employed by the Globe } theater to clean away all the rotten vegetables thrown at the actors. } Allow me a moment to digress by saying that the Globe theater is in } itself a fitting symbol of the intellectual state of the British } Empire.  The architect who designed the theater actually believed he } was creating an accurate representation of the Earth, based on the } currently popular concept that the Earth was an eight-sided figure with } a large hole running through the center. }       Billy Ray was vaulted to stardom by the works that bore his } name.  Ironically, the only work actually written by Shakespeare was a } sonnet entitled "Speak not of this to mine tormented, fragile } ventricle", which was unanimously panned by literary critics. }       The cause of your confusion, O humble supplicant, is that } the original manuscripts were written by these craftsmen as they went } about their trade.  As a result, most sentences have key words which } are obscured by globs of mortar, drops of sweat, or spilled tea.  This } has long been suspected by high school students who struggle to } comprehend the works of "Shakespeare", but has been concealed from the } general public as a result of a massive coverup engineered by } Greenpeace and the Better Business Bureau. }       The passage you site is in fact missing several crucial phrases. } The actual text should read:  It is better to have loved an } intelligent, loving, gorgeous woman who can build a stone wall without } the use of mortar and lost three pounds betting against the Glasgow } Serfs in the witch burning championship than to have never loved a } tuberculosis-infected mongoose with a dry hacking cough and no hair at } all.  Although somewhat less poetic than the currently accepted } version, it is nonetheless powerful in its own right. }       There is only one direct reference to polecats in the works of } Shakespeare.  In the closing scene of the second act of "Two Less Than } Interesting Men and a Young Boy Dressed as a Woman Speaking to One } Another in Archaic, Convoluted Prose in an Unidentified Structure } Presumably on the Outskirts of Verona" the following exchange takes } place: } }       Influenza: Didst thou not me this into thy portal anon? }       Malaria:   Verily, yet dost not the stinking flesh like the skin } of an ill-fated beast of three backs left too long beneath the } gibbering Sun's cruel and malevolent contempt? }       Diptheria:  Do you smell a polecat? } }       Learn from this what you may, O seeker of infinite Truth.  In } payment, you may now bestow upon the oracle three verbs, two } adjectives, an adverb, and the personal pronoun of your choice.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most delectable, > What's the difference between horns and antlers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can't get a job playing antlers in the symphony orchestra. } } You owe the Oracle a bull which sheds its horns each year.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O great and mighty Oracle, the mayor of Funkytown, whose > brilliance burns brighter than a disco inferno, and whose love is too > deep to fathom.  Please answer my humble question. > >       In cartoons and old movies, whenever there is a need for a > character to slip and fall down the character will inevitably slip on a > banana peel.  How did the banana peel become the universal symbol for > "slippery". >       I have performed a pilot study in an attempt to analyze this > phenomenon.  After placing a banana peel on the floor and having a > variety of volunteers step on it, none of the ten subjects slipped or > lost their balance.  The only visible result was a thin, sticky, clear > film which oozed from the peel onto the floor. >       (Please note that all volunteers for this study were informed of > the potential risks and signed informed consent waivers.  Protective > padding was issued to all participants under OSHA guidelines.  The use > of human subjects in this study was approved by the Institutional > Ethics Committee.) >       I beg Enlightenment, Oracle most wise.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Back in the days of the earliest vaudeville shows, there once was a } performer named Larry "Avacado" Stubing.  Avacado rose to prominance } very quickly performing, originally, in the smaller theaters of New } York City, and later becoming very famous on Broadway.  People would } come for miles and miles to see him perform.  He had a truly great act } based on the use of vegetables and fruits for gags.  Unfortunately, } that was all he could do, and eventually people tired of this.  As time } went on, the reaction of the crowds to his act got to be as lousy as } the stench of his rotting fruit.  Avacado started drinking heavily, } and was completely unable to write any new material for his act. } He ended up on the street, begging for coins so that he could buy } more liquor.  He would try short bits from his act on strangers on } the street, and they would avoid or verbally abuse him for it.  As his } props rotted away, all that remained was a single banana, now a slimy, } black, smelly version of its former self.  Avacado was left with a } single old, tired joke that compared the banana to the male sex organ, } and with that particular banana, the joke just wasn't funny anymore. } As it happened, the last time he tried that joke and got nothing but } rude retorts for it, he just dropped the banana on the ground and tried } to get away.  One of the spectators harshly shoved him, and he stepped } back, and stepped on the banana, that was now a rotting, slimy mess on } the ground.  Needless to say, Avacado slipped on the banana, and fell, } unfortunately injuring himself very badly.  Since everyone watching } this completely hated him, they all thought this was very, very funny } and laughed at him for several minutes.  Avacado's injuries were so } severe, and nobody came to help him, that after a short time of lying } on the ground with broken bones and internal bleeding, he finally died. } But he went to his grave utterly convinced that he had revived his } career, and would have risen to stardom again, if he could only get up. } } Reports of the incident spread like wildfire through the vaudeville } community, and as a tribute to this once-great comedian, other } performers started including the banana-peel-slipping gag in their } acts.  Everyone knew why they did this, and would laugh, not because } it was funny, but to honor the memory of Avacado Stubing, who gave } his life trying to make people laugh. } } So, you see, the banana-peel-slipping gag isn't really funny; it's } done as a tribute to a true innovator in the field of physical humor. } } I'm surprised you didn't know that. } } You owe the Oracle a banana.  Just don't leave it on the floor.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Flabulous Oracle, I would like to go into this Oracle business, and > maybe compete with you.  Don't worry, I would not undercut your > prices. > > I need to know: > >  - Where do I take courses on becoming Omniscient? > >  - What's the proper technique for ZOTting? > >  - Woodchucks and lemurs, I understand, but what's all this with the >    owls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is pleased that such a fine young entrepeneur like yourself } has chosen to join the ranks of the world's oldest profession.  (yes, } we were here before the hookers.)  The road to Oracledom is long and } hard, tougher ones than you have trie and failed, oh puny supplicant. } Here, fill out this application, and we'll get you on your way: } } ======================================================================== } | The Famous Oracle's School Application Form } | Please fill out this form using a No. 2 pencil, or the feather quill } | of a Mongolian Goose. } | } |  Personal Data } | } |  No, don't bother.  We wouldn't be much in the way of Oracles if we } |  didn't know this stuff already.  By the way, your mother's real } | maiden name is Bacigalupa (ask her about it in a couple of years...) } | } |  Education } | } |  OK, you got through school and got your degree in } |  Socioanthropolyandromorphology.  (Even if you did cheat on the } | final.) } | } |  Employment History } | } |  McDonald's....mmm....Jr. assistant fries cook....Wal-Mart..... } |  "Assistant inventory controller".....stock clerk....MICROSOFT!?!?! } |  Usually that's an automatic disqualification, but since you worked } |  in the mailroom, we'll let it slide... } | } |  References } | } |  I'm impressed, not everyone can get glowing references from O. J. } |  Simpson, Timothy McVeigh, and Susan Smith. } | } |  Salary Requirements } | } |  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHOHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE! } |  Hey Kinzler, get a load of what the supplicant wants for a salary! } |  GUFFAWGUFFAWGUFFAWROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLSNICKERSNICKERSNICKERLAUGH! } | } |  ______________________________   ___________ } |  applicant's signature            date } | } |  All applications will be processed in a timely manner.  If you are } | accepted, pack your bags, and be waiting on your front lawn that } | night at midnight local time.  We will be by to pick you up.  Due to } | the sensitive nature of being an apprentice Oracle, we will be } | disguised as your local police.  Do not resist, just obey their } | orders. } | } |======================================================================= } } You owe The Oracle USD $10,478.95 for first-year's } incaceration^h^h^h^h^h^h^h^h^h^h^h tuition, room & board, and } registration fees.  Your Learner's Permit for your practice wand will } come under seperate cover.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't animal biscuits look like actual animals?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Your question represents a misconception common to many people. } Animal biscuits are not baked to resemble animals, they are actually } baked *by* animals. }       Owners of large corporations have found one of the truly great } loopholes in the labor laws of this country.  Issues such as worker } safety and minimum wages apply only to HUMAN employees.  As a result } many companies have adopted a policy of employing animals in as many } positions as possible. }       The federal government was actually the first to experiment in } animal employment as a means of reducing costs.  They were very pleased } to discover that the spitting cobras used as clerks in the Department } of Motor Vehicles were actually more polite to customers than the } original clerks, and had higher degrees of productivity.  Collections } of deliquent taxes increased 275% when the regular IRS auditors were } replaced with a pack of rabid mongoose. }       Military applications, however, proved less successful.  The Air } Force cut funding for the Flying Squirrel project almost immediately. } Although the creatures were able to evade enemy radar quite easily, } their limited payload carrying capacity proved a severe operational } limitation.  Pentagon officials were also disappointed that the } squirrels did not display the acceleration or manuverability exhibited } by the first prototype Rocket J. Squirrel.  Rocket J. Squirrel was } eventually discharged due to rumors of his involvement with an } individual later identified as "Bullwinkle J. Moose". }       Recently de-classified Army films show that a talking mule named } Francis served as a member of the Women's Air Corps during World War } II. Francis also received a premature discharge, due in large part } toward her tendency for "zany, hilarious hijinks". } }       You owe the Oracle a can of Mr. Limpet safe tuna and the name of } all surviving relatives of the unknown soldier.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Twelve wise men assembled do not even hold a match to your toes.  Your > chess rating, unlike mine, is greater than your golf score.  You are > especially pleased by tripartite grovels. > > How can I improve my golf score?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well... hmmm let's see: } } Improving golf scores has been a major drain on American productivity } for over a century and a half and the Oracle considers that if more } efficient means were employed people could spend less time on the links } and more time in the office (playing Solitaire, the sole reason for } the success of Microsoft Windows (think about it)) or at home with } the family (watching sports on TV, particularly golf). } } Well, here it is.  The Oracle's 3 step method for improving your } golf score. } } Part of the problem with golf is that you are hitting a really small } ball with a club that has a really small head into a really small hole } far enough away to be in another ZIP code.  No wonder so many golf } players get so frustrated that they're heading to the clubhouse in } disgust before they get to the fourth tee.  In fact, in some circles, } the "back 9" often refers to the beers one consumes while telling } stories about having to quit early, having hit all of one's balls } into the water.  And of course whose concentration wouldn't be shot } with the unnatural acts of fashion that pass for men's golf wear? } Face it, the game is just too darn hard, so you'll have to change it. } } Step 1 consists of doing to golf clubs what the tennis racquet company } formerly known as Prince did to tennis racquets several years ago: } Make the head a lot bigger.  You spend less time squinting through a } hail of sod looking for that beautiful drive down the fairway only to } discover the ball still sitting on the tee.  The Oracle hates to bow } down so low as to commit shameless self-promotion, but would recommend } the Oracular line of sporting equipment featuring the Double Eagle } brand of golf clubs with the acclaimed California Red Woods (TM), } Uncle T.I.O.'s Shootin' Irons (TM) and the Over-Your-Head-Wedgie Sand } Wedge (TM, U.S. Pat. Pending). } } Step 2 involves the course.  The Oracle is continually amazed at } how people complain that they're hitting in the one-forties when } they're playing on courses that look like a Navy SEAL obstacle course. } I mean, c'mon... there's sand traps, trees, knee-high rough, water } everywhere and those stupid windmills.  It's like playing golf in the } Everglades... or Minnesota.  The Oracle recommends finding a course } consisting of even ground, shaped much like a wide "V" sloping gently } down to the green at the far end.  You'll drop two strokes a hole... } guaranteed. } } Step 3 involves the length of holes.  The Oracle is reminded of } that scene in Apollo 13 where Jim Lovell (as played by Tom Hanks) } is sitting out on his patio blocking out the moon with his thumb. } What the movie didn't portray was his thoughts at that moment, } "Man, this moonshot will be almost as hard as a 453 yard par 5!" } Remember, they never made it to the moon.  Of course, most golfers } don't have to contend with a puking Bill Paxton, but I digress. } The point is that to expect anyone to sink a ball in a hole over } a quarter mile away in any few than a dozen strokes is ridiculous. } Shorter distances will improve scores and lower real estate costs. } } You owe the Oracle an _honest_ par scorecard from Putt-Putt.