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Internet Oracularities #833

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833, 833-01, 833-02, 833-03, 833-04, 833-05, 833-06, 833-07, 833-08, 833-09, 833-10


Internet Oracularities #833    (123 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 11 May 1996 08:26:46 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   833
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

833  123 votes mIum5 bwRn4 flCsl swpoe 7hIGd 78kzR 3uAGc Cqyh8 9xOp6 6hvzy
833   3.1 mean  2.5   2.8   3.2   2.7   3.3   4.0   3.2   2.4   2.9   3.6


833-01    (mIum5 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> _The Joy Of Cooking_ includes a recipe for cooking woodchuck.
> Is it any good?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. But the recipe for cooking the supplicants who ask questions
} about woodchucks is absolutely scrumptious.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pot of roadkill stew.


833-02    (bwRn4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's well known that Moses brought down two tablets from Mt. Sinai
> containing the ten commandments. What's not so well known is that there
> were originally three tablets, with fifteen commandments. (I have
> been informed that Moses stubbed his toe, fell, and broke one.)
>
> Mighty Oracle, before whom I genuflect, genuflect, genufect
> (tan-tan-ta-rah sing-boom!) - can you enlighten us about the missing
> five commandments?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, here you go.  You picked a topic very near and dear to my heart.
} There were 15, Moses did trip, and, even though Martin Luther will have
} to come back from the dead to create an addendum to the chaticism, I
} will tell you (even though it was a pretty iffy grovel!).
}
} XI.     Thou shalt not hassle.
} XII.    Thou shall remember that Tuesday is double stamp day at Subway.
}         Therefor redeem ye not thine free sandwich cards upon that day.
} XIII.   He who shall, so shall he who.
} XIV.    Thou shalt not ask to borrow thine neighbors tools.
} XV.     Thou shalt not ask my beloved Oracle about woodchucks or
}         lemurs.
}
} You owe the Oracle some super glue.


833-03    (flCsl dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@mincom.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey everyone!
>
> Let's find out what happens when NOBODY answers this question.  Don't
> reply to it -- just ignore it.  The Oracle will send it to someone else
> after a day or so (according to the FAQ), and that person shouldn't
> reply either. If I don't get a reply by October, I'll post the results
> in rec.humor.oracle.d.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well well, a pyramid scheme with a theoretical maximum growth
} coefficient of 1 and a promised reward of a Usenet posting sometime in
} October.  This shouldn't last too long.
}
} You should do your homework before posting a message like this.  Try
} something along the following lines:
}
}       $PAM THE NET FA$T!!!1!!!
}
} Hi, my name is Angela Nasty Xenomorph-Bitch.  Six months ago I was
} down on my luck, I hadn't made it into the digest for weeks, I was
} getting nothing but woodchuck and null questions to answer, and the
} replies I received all quoted the question back at me.  Moreover, my
} ISP was hounding me for unpaid bills.
}
} So I put a shotgun in my mouth and was just about to pull the trigger,
} when I received a letter in the mail saying I could get ripped off by
} sending a few duplicates of it to my friends and some money to the guy
} whose name was on top of a list.  I was just about to toss it in the
} paper bin when I thought, perhaps there's something there!  So I
} edited the text a little and emailed a copy to postmaster on every
} machine I could do reverse IP lookup on.
}
} The results went beyond my wildest dreams.  The following morning, I
} had fourty thousand messages in my mailbox, and by lunchtime my
} account had been removed.
}
} Now, I never have to worry about making the Digest again.  Whenever I
} need attention, I just fire off another volley of spam and get my
} account pulled.  It works every time!
}
} The reason it works is because everyone follows the rules exactly.
} Here are some examples of people who didn't:
}
} Arthur T. Wombat of Wiretap, IL, ignored this message, and five days
} later, the Feds busted down his door and arrested him for distributing
} child porn.
}
} Eunice Roach of Lubricant, MA, tore up this message.  She was found
} brutally murdered the next weekend.
}
} Clarence S. Bugger of Rimmer, WI, ignored this message, and became the
} victim of a hit-and-run accident.
}
} Jonathan Ratface-Octagon of Double Penetration, OH, threw this message
} away and was killed by an unidentified mugger.
}
} Mrs. Large Object of Fort Crag, FL, didn't open this message; a body
} in the desert has been tentatively identified as hers.
}
} And they still haven't found the bodies of William Pit of Blast
} Radius, Christian Undies-Carrot of Heave, Glamorgan Nexus-Six of Power
} Ranger, Lorna Hippopotamus of Barbiturate, and Enid Communist of
} Beauty, to mention a few.
}
} So get working.
}
} Angela Nasty Xenomorph-Bitch
}
} PS. There is also a success story: Sean Connery got this message and
} followed the instructions exactly, which is good because I love him
} and would hate for anything nasty to happen to him.


833-04    (swpoe dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Logically complete Oracle,
>
> Who was the world's greatest Philosopher?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only Zeno approached, but never acheived greatness...


833-05    (7hIGd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         O Great Power of the Universe whom elnightenes those whom call
> thee ORAACLE, whom sall be remembered in history as the master of
> information, whom will eventually time of such lowly groveling,
> pleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopl
> easeopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseoplease....
>         Why do all women think they are fat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A worthy (if garbled) question, oh frustrated supplicant.
}
} You've heard of the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."
} Well, what *else* do we associate Venus with?  The greenhouse effect.
} And who *else* lives in a green house?  Mr. Morey Schickelgruber of
} Cleveland, Ohio, that's who.  But this is not his story ...
}
} It is the story of Morey's great uncle, Hans Schickelgruber, and of a
} Nazi experiment gone horribly awry.  Hans was a scientist working for
} Germany during World War II, and late in the war he developed what can
} best be described as a mind control machine.  It could take a single
} thought of its operator and project it to a target population, who
} would then become obsessed with it.  When Hitler heard of the machine,
} he wanted Hans to broadcast a thought like "I want to shoot everyone in
} my platoon" to the advancing Allied armies.  But Hans could not bring
} himself to do something so cruel.  He had been reading Aristophanes, so
} instead he decided to broadcast "I will not have sex with any man until
} we surrender the war" to all the women in the U.S. (the machine could
} be set to target one gender). The impact this would have had on history
} (not to mention the birthrate in early 1946) would have been
} staggering, but it was not to be.
}
} On the night of April 1, 1945, while Hans was preparing to send his
} message, the Allies staged a bombing raid on the city where he worked.
} As the rubble of his laboratory crashed down around him, he desparately
} activated the device.  Unfortunately, in his dying moments, Hans's eyes
} fell upon a picture of his wife, Helga.  And Helga Schickelgruber was,
} to put it mildly, a real porker.  He could not help but think, "My God,
} what a fat, ugly woman."  And that thought was broadcast to the women
} of America, who took it to heart and have passed it down by example to
} all their female descendants. Much to the dismay of we men who get
} tired of hearing it, but much to the benefit of the diet soda industry.
}
} You owe the Oracle some fat-free Ambrosia to serve to Lisa.


833-06    (78kzR dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need your help .  I'm   I need your  help.  I'm
> new to the Internet ,     new to the  Internet,
> and have never used the   and have never used the
> Oracle  before; I know     Oracle before; I know
> how easy it is  to fake   how easy it  is to fake
> e-mail messages, and I    e-mail messages, and I
> was afraid I'd get a      was afraid I'd get  a
> reply from some phony .   reply from some  phony.
>
> The recent government     The recent  government
> attempts at taking        attempts at  taking
> over the net, and         over the net, and
> control ling what we       controlling what we
> see, hear and think,      see, hear and think,
> smacks of  McCarthyism    smacks  of McCarthyism
> to me, and looks like     to me, and looks like
> a threat to free speech   a threat to free speech
> in cyberspace .           in  cyberspace.
>
> Is this true , Oracle ?   Is this  true,  Oracle?
> Will future generations   Will future generations
> say that we held  on to   say that we  held on to
> decency, but gave up      decency, but gave up
> liberty?  Or by  then     liberty?  Or  by then
> will it be too late?      will it be too late?
> Will there be n o one     Will there be  no one
> who understands  what     who understand s what
> liberty means a nymore?   liberty means  anymore?
>
> I get cross-eyed just     I get cross-eyed just
> thinking about it.        thinking about it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant, in view    Dear supplicant, in view
} of you unfortunate eye      of you unfortunate eye
} condition, I shall also     condition, I shall also
} write stereoscopically.     write stereoscopically.
}
} I know, I know, this        I know, I know, this
} Net.indecency hysteria      Net.indecency hysteria
} we're currently having      we're currently having
} to endure is a pain in      to endure is a pain in
} the butt, isn't it?         the behind, isn't it?
} Jesus, there's always       Jeepers, there's always
} been porn on the Net,       been naughtiness on the
} just like there has in      Net, just like there has
} the real world. You want    in the real world. You
} to see naked hooters?       want to see unclad
} Just walk into any          chests? Just walk into
} goddam newsagent. And       any atheistic newsagent.
} how do you like the         And how do you like the
} bloody nerve of one         sanguinary nerve of one
} country thinking it can     country thinking it can
} tell the rest of the        tell the rest of the world
} world what it can and       what it can and can't say
} can't say in electronic     in electronic communications?
} communications? Can the     Can the <expletive deleted>
} frigging US government      US government stop an
} stop an Australian          Australian calling a New
} calling a New Zealander     Zealander a sheepmolest^H
} a sheepshagger if that's    ^H^H^H^H^Hworrier if that's
} what he really wants to     what he really wants to
} do?                         do?
}
} Hey, you know there was     Hey, you know there was
} even one of those           even one of those intellect-
} cretinous parental          ually challenged parental
} control filters recently    control filters recently
} that blocked Socks's        that blocked Socks's
} cruddy White House page     encrusted White House page
} for kids, because the       for kids, because the
} smutty pussy used the       unclean private parts used
} word couples to describe    the word conjoins to describe
} people like Bill and        people like the President
} Hillary? (Hah! As if        and the First Lady?
} Bill ever restricted his    <generally suggestive
} attentions to just a        parenthetic allegations
} couple, eh?) This kind      deleted> This kind of
} of crap will ensure that    number twos will ensure
} the whole thing sinks       that the whole thing sinks
} under a tidal wave of       under a tidal wave of
} derision. Hell, your        derision. Heck^H^H^H^H
} kids learn far ruder        Gosh, your kids learn far
} words than couples at       naughtier words than
} school. Perhaps those       conjoins at school.
} geniuses in your            Those geniuses in your
} idiotic Congress should     wonderful Congress should
} legislate about what        legislate about what
} can be said in the          can be said in the
} playground, too.            playground, too.
}
} Still, I understand         Still, I understand
} your fears about            your fears about
} freedom of speech on        freedom of speech on
} the Net, and sympathise     the Net, and sympathise
} with them. As an            with them. As an
} immortal, however, I        immortal, however, I
} have the advantage of a     have the advantage of a
} long-term perspective,      long-term perspective,
} and so I can assure you     and so I can assure you
} that I've seen all this     that your government is
} sort of thing before,       only thinking of your
} and it all blows over in    welfare. You must trust
} time. Repressive regimes    your government. Your
} rarely last more than a     government knows what
} century, often much         is good for you. Those
} less. Those smegheads in    <term not in dictionary>s
} Congress think they know    in Congress know that
} what's good for you         they are what is good
} better than you do          for you. They love you.
} yourself. This is           They want you to be
} typical of the right-       happy. They don't want
} wing paternalism that       you to worry your head
} grips the Republican        about matters you don't
} party generally -- hence    understand. But to do
} all the whining on about    all this, they need your
} children, of course.        complete obedience.
} They want to treat you      That's not too much to
} all as children -- so       ask, is it? We can't
} much easier to control      have people rocking the
} than adults. And what       boat. Not if we're to
} with the resurgence in      rebuild a law-abiding,
} religious fundamentalism    God-fearing America
} as a backlash against       from the ruins left by
} the liberalism of the       those pinko subversives
} 60s and 70s, not to         of the 60s and 70s. You
} mention millenium fever,    want your children to
} they now think they've      be safe. You want to be
} got some sort of moral      safe. You want us to
} mandate for their heavy-    look after you. You know
} handed tactics.             you do.
}
} But bear up, supplicant.    But we noticed that you
} Things are not as bad as    used words like McCarthyism
} they could be. Okay, so     and liberty to imply that
} we're undergoing a          you were disapproving of
} brief return to the         your elected government's
} days of McCarthyism.        sterling efforts to protect
} What you have to do is      you from yourself. You must
} keep saying to yourself:    guard against Unamerican
} "This country is still      thoughts like these. Keep
} a democracy. Come the       saying to yourself over
} elections, I'll see who     and over: "Every day in
} has my true interests       every way I am getting
} at heart and vote           better, and more dutiful,
} accordingly." And they      and more trusting, and
} know it. In the end,        more obedient." You can
} it's you who controls       do it. You will do it.
} them. Hang on to that       And in the end, you'll
} thought -- you'll feel      feel better for it.
} better for it.              Or else.
}
} As this is your first       As this is your first
} time, you don't owe the     transgression, Big Brother
} Oracle anything. Please     forgives you. Next time
} feel free to call again     it'll be a visit to the
} anytime.                    room full of rats, buddy.


833-07    (3uAGc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is for a college paper, so it'd better be good: What is the
> profile of the typical Oracle supplicant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       You should know better than to try to fool the Oracle--I know
} what college you go to, and I know what your average "paper" looks
} like. "It had better be good." Hmmmmph. It's been a good day, so I'll
} even write your paper; but, you didn't grovel, so I'll make sure it's
} at about the same quality level as your previous papers.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} english w0000 (english as a foreign language for native english
} speakers) prof. diddle, term paper
}
}       WHAT ABOU TTHE SUPPLICANY? BY CHUP LEE KANT
}
}       i are some comments to make regardinf the average suplicant.
} firstly, is that because they just do not grovel like they usey to. i
} mean at worst they used to do some #include grovel.h or obgrovel whhich
} was obnoxious, but. now they don't even grovel even a littel and you
} wonder why yhr oracle so mighty even writes back at all. i meen what
} the HELL!!!!! second, is to their alway useing run-on sentences, bad
} metaphots, and misspell eeverything. the oracle woldnt have a clue what
} they wetre talkn about if he didnrt already known everything!  it is
} also wort noting that the average supplicnt doesn't grovel. i am hgoing
} to write about that.
}       for the body of my pappr, having finished the introduckion, i
} would like to say that although the average suppliacant is bad, that
} ttese is not a causual relationshp between them being bad and the
} potentiality of episiteiologicsl supplicants. you want two bodys on yer
} head and hav two mirros in your hand. that is to say, that just about
} ever supplicant really sucksm not just the average one. i meen what the
} HELL!!!!! hw hard is it to have a little resptct for the allknowing and
} maybe ask an interestng question not about lotus notes or lame
} paradox-wannaves!?!?!
}       in condlusion, i'd like to say that somthing augt really to be
} done about hte avergea supplicant. yay my nose is big, big like a
} pickly, i'm still getting paid.  not that i coudl understand an entity
} as powerdul and macho as the oracle but i must say that it woul
} dprobaky get very very annoying answering questions for iditos with no
} respect. i meen what the HELL!!! damnit it sucks. it sucks, it sucks,
} it sucks. in conclsion, it is time to think about doing something
} oabout the avrege supplicant right away. thnaks i hope you like this
} papre bettr than the onea bout my socks (which i thot was funny you
} justdidnt get so i forwardd it to anothr professor for anoth opinion)
}       the end fo the psaper
}
}       You owe the Oracle a little respect for helping boost your
} average essay grade just a litte.


833-08    (Cqyh8 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> My roommate and I are trying to decide which is the
> absolute worst spectator sport.  I think it's golf;
> he says bowling.  Which one of us is right, or is
> there something even worse that neither of us has
> thought of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you ever watched professional zazen?


833-09    (9xOp6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle of almost infinite grace and wisdom (and a certain
> unspoken sexy allure), I've met a policeman who is tall, blond
> blue-eyed and very athletic in the sack... please tell me, could
> it all end in tears?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well there's always that possibility.  Let's get an
} accurate prediction, though.  Where did I put my
} crystal ball?  Ah, there it is.
}
} I see a thick fog.  Nothing much at all.  Slowly, the
} fog is clearing.  I'm starting to make something out
} now.  I see...  I see a long, skinny rectangle, with
} a sort of button at one end of it.
}
} Drat.  That's the low battery indicator.  I'll have
} to try the Tarot cards instead.
}
} While I shuffle them, have you heard the one about
} the three monks and the bishop on the moon?  You have?
} Okay, I won't bore you with it again, then.
}
} Right.  Let's start with the basic seven-card layout.
} The first card relates to past events.  And in that
} position, we have... the seven of spades.  AARGH!
} Somebody switched decks on me.
}
} This won't do at all.  I could do the bit with the
} chicken entrails if you like.  No?  A bit squeamish,
} are you?  Lots of people are, these days.  It doesn't
} really matter.  Chickens don't give very good readings
} in affairs of the heart anyway.
}
} Ah well.  It looks as if I can't give you a definite
} answer today.  You owe the Oracle two alkaline C cells,
} and a proper Tarot deck.


833-10    (6hvzy dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> could you please explain Visual Basic to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Awright, recruits! Line UP! You're here for Visual Basic Training,
} y'hear!
}
} What a sorry mess o'meat we have here. It's a shame, a real shame.
}
} Corp'r'l, look at this. Do you see what they're sending us these days,
} tryin' to pass for geeks?
}
} Listen UP! You're here at Camp Turing for Visual Basic Training. When
} you signed up, you thought you were going to be spending time playing
} DOOM and finding the secret way to cheat at Minehunt, didn't you? Well,
} it's not going to be that way. You're here for two things: Coding your
} butt off, and hacking 'til your ears bleed. For the next six weeks, I'm
} gonna be your worst nightmare, kicking you around the compound,
} treating you like a library routine without documentation.
}
} You! Yes, you there. What's your name. Speak UP! Reinhart, huh? What do
} you call this, Reinhart? It looks like one of them America On-Line
} install diskettes. Is that what it is? I said, is THAT what it IS,
} geek? Do you keep an America On-Line install disk in your pocket at
} Camp Turing? Awright, geek, drop down and give me fifty lines of
} algorithm for sorting a telephone-number database.
}
} Hey, you! Are you sniffling, geek? I can't HEAR you! Where you from?
} You know, there's never been a good hack that comes out of
} Californ-ee-AY, not since Woz retired. Do you know what we get from
} Californ-ee-AY these days, son? I can't HEAR you! We get nothin' but
} viruses. You a virus, boy?  Are you callin' me a liar? You a virus,
} boy? You know what we do with viruses in the camp? We put 'em through
} the Turing Machine. That's it, right over there. You don't want that,
} do you boy? All right... Run around the Turing Machine three times,
} then come back and wire up a help system using a touch screen out of a
} TRS-80 and a ball of twine. What are you standing here for? Go, go, go!
}
} Awright. Any of the rest of you pathetic losers have a Geek Code? Speak
} up. Anybody? You? You got a Geek Code? Well, let's see it. Whup it out;
} let's see if you've got what it takes to be a geek. Haw! You call that
} a Geek Code? You don't even have the o+ in the right order. Do you
} think you could remove a unix file named -rf, boy? Could you? What
} command would you use? You ain't much of a geek, are you? Say it. Say
} "I'm no geek SIR!"  I can't HEAR you! Get out there and port Linux to
} the HP-48gx. Go!
}
} Okay. The rest of you, hook up these generators to the stationary
} bicycles and pedal like hell. The Lieutenant needs to take his laptop
} out into the field in another six hours, and the batteries are totally
} drained.
}
} You owe the Oracle an honorable discharge.


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