[IO]
Internet Oracle
20 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 5:26:51 GMT

Internet Oracularities #835

Goto:
835, 835-01, 835-02, 835-03, 835-04, 835-05, 835-06, 835-07, 835-08, 835-09, 835-10


Internet Oracularities #835    (131 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 21 May 1996 13:35:50 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   835
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

835  131 votes 8wzGe 6xSv7 9lKzk 5hEvC sIpld Zplj5 gACtc uTA64 zXs63 9iwDx
835   2.8 mean  3.2   3.0   3.3   3.6   2.6   2.1   2.9   2.2   2.1   3.5


835-01    (8wzGe dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (Otis Viles)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Super, wonderful, gracious, superfluous oracle!
>
>    Answer me this!
>
>    Is it possible for you to create a question so difficult that not
> even you can answer it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course not! For thousands of years I have answered the questions of
} mankind on all subjects. If I started creating questions as well, I'd
} never get anywhere. Besides, I'm not allowed; the creation of questions
} is strictly the province of the Usenet Quizicle - I'll hand you over.
}
} -->SUPPLICANT TRANSFER COMPLETE
}
} How are you? What do you want? Would you like a question? Anything in
} particular? When you say 'so difficult', do you mean complex or just
} hard? Why do you want to know anyway? Do you get some kind of twisted
} pleasure out of paradoxes? Don't you have anything better to do?
} Wouldn't you prefer a question involving popular culture? You're sure?
} Will this do? "What is the complete history of every atom in the
} Universe from creation up until the time you finish answering the
} question?"
} What about this?
} "Why is McDonalds popular?"
} Does this take your fancy?
} "How much wood would a wo-"
}
} *******ZOT*******
}
} --> CONNECTION TERMINATED. RETURNING SUPPLICANT.
}
} Now you know why I'm so much more popular, and where all those really
} annoying questions come from. I'm afraid that due to his immortality, I
} can't permanently *ZOT* the irritating little dweeb, but that should
} slow him down for a while.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stone too heavy for God to lift, and
} Schroedinger's Cat.


835-02    (6xSv7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (Otis Viles)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oracle, Oracle on my internet connection
>      Please tell me...
>
>      Why is the large land mass northeast of Canada called "Greenland"
>      when most of the area is covered with an ice sheet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yawn.  The ignorance of some supplicants nearly overwhelms me.
}
} But wait, I'm the Oracle, and cannot be overwhelmed.
}
} Your ignorance UNDERwhelms me.
}
} Eric (The Red) and his son Leif ran a real-estate operation about a
} thousand years ago.  They enticed Norse farmers (who should have known
} better) to pull up stakes and move to the Vast Unexplored and Fertile
} Terretories they claimed to have discovered.  Iceland was first, but
} that name didn't go over very well.  Next was Greenland, and then
} Vineland, and finally Columbus, Ohio.  Each more enticing, more
} expensive, and further away than the one before.  Sort of like
} suburban subdivision tracts.
}
} There was a bit of a problem in reaching Columbus, Ohio.  First of
} all, Columbus hadn't been born yet.  Secondly, the Norse explorers
} were trying to get there via a northern route, sailing south from
} Husdon's Bay.  They landed in Minnesota.  If you do not believe me, go
} to Lake Woebegone. where you can find the Statue of the Unknown
} Norwegian.  (Actually, because I'm an all-knowing Oracle, I know who
} he is, but I'm not telling.  Oskar Knutsen's secret is safe with me.)
}
} You owe the Oracle someone who will eat the rest of a year's supply
} case of lutefisk.


835-03    (9lKzk dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All-knowing Oracle can you explain something that is unfathomable to
>  me? Why don't grown-ups get summer break?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The reason, oh seeker of knowledge, stems from a little recognized
} parasitic infestation of the adult members of the human population
} which is especially virulent in developed countries.  The parasite
} (Vehicularii passengercarus) comes in a number of variants (such as
} subcompactunatum, minivanus, and the particularly nasty
} Monster-Truckulii), of both domestic and foreign origins.
}
} This parasite attaches to its human host at around age 16 to 21, often
} having been acquired from members of the infected individual's family.
} The parasite immediately becomes an enormous drain on the host, forcing
} the afflicted individual to search for ever-growing amounts of
} sustenance. This often starts with after-school and summer jobs, but
} quickly grows to full time, 40 hr/week careers; thus forcing the adult
} host (or "grown-up") to be in an unending search for fresh resources to
} support this awful parasite and forgoing the summer-break which is the
} naturals state of unafflicted humans.
}
} The infestation often is accompanied with a secondary infection, the
} mortgage; which as the name implies is with the host until death.


835-04    (5hEvC dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most grovellable, how do you get fifteen men on a dead man's
> chest? Isn't it a little crowded?  (Not to mention that awful crunching
> sound as his rib cage collapses....)
>
> ____ _______
> Unisys Corporation
> (at the Fritz Companies, Inc.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Arr, shiver me timbers, Jim lad, but it does a man's heart good
} to hear some o' that mainframer talk again. Weren't so long ago
} when old Orrie was on the crew of the good ship Sperry. And it
} was wild times, and "Big Blue on the starboard bow!" and "Stand
} by to repel lusers!" And a better crew you couldn't hope to have,
} lad. And in the quiet times, we'd brew coffee, and we'd talk the
} yardarm off, about who was the original "Boy-Programmer" whose
} exploits were honoured by adding the term as a keyword in the bug
} reports database. And the connection between grey zebras and
} measuring performance. And whether Harold ever wore anything
} different from that green polyester leisure suit. Course it
} changed after the Merger, lad. Never trust a captain whose first
} order is "Gild the lifeboats!" So that's when we invented the
} Mike Blumentahl Secret Decoder Ring. Let's just set it up, Jim
} lad, by typing in the secret phrase:
}
} h o n e y , i s h r u n k t h e c o m p a n y !
}
} and see what it tells about your shanty.
}
} }       Fifteen men
}                 ^^^ Executive Vice-Presidents
} }                     on a dead man's
}                            ^^^^^^^^^^ engineer's
} }                                     chest
}                                       ^^^^^ brainpower
} }       Yo-ho-ho
}         ^^^^^^^^ We're in charge now
} }                and a bottle of rum
}                        ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Gold credit cards, expense
}                                      accounts, etc.
} }       Drink
}         ^^^^^ Ship approaches harbour. Cap'n sends signal "Have
}               case of beri-beri on board, what should I do query".
}               Habour-master signals back "Send it to Sperry they
}               drink anything"
} }              and the Devil
}                        ^^^^^ Bill Gates, of course
} }                            had done for the rest
}                                  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Involuntary
}                                                    downsizing
} }       Yo-ho-ho
}         ^^^^^^^^ We're still in charge. So sue us.
} }                and a bottle of rum
}                        ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Corporate jet, executive
}                                      center in south of France,
}                                      covered car space near the
}                                      door, etc.
}
} You see that, Jim lad? Even without the Decoder Ring thee was
} thinkin' along the right lines. Jus' keep thy eyes blue and thy
} nose brown, and you'll go far.
}
} You owe old Orrie a crutch, a wooden leg, and a parrot that
} shrieks "Pieces of seven!" so he can tell the "parroty error"
} joke.
}
} [Sperry was merged into Unisys in 1986; name blanked to protect
}  supplicant's career.  --DS]


835-05    (sIpld dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> kiddie porn

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, for heaven's sake! Try and get the words right!
}
} It's "Jimmy crack corn", okay? Not "kiddie porn". "Jimmy crack corn and
} I don't care". Let's take it again from the top, shall we?


835-06    (Zplj5 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the best ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Me. Nyah.
}
} You owe the Oracle a '#1' trophy.


835-07    (gACtc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise, most kind, most beautiful, please tell me:
>
> Why is it that I seem to be attracted only to women who bite me?
>
> A humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eat more garlic.


835-08    (uTA64 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh "more powerful than a locomotive" oracle,
>
> Can you figure this one out?
>
> "There are three words in the English language that end in 'gry'.
> Two of them are angry and hungry. The other one we use every day
> and everybody knows what it means. If you listen closely, I
> already told you the answer."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you have _any_ idea how often I'm asked this?
}
} Almost as bad as woodchucks..
}
} *zot* (at low setting)
}
} For your impudence, you owe the Oracle a list of twelve words ending in
} 'splunge'.


835-09    (zXs63 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle,
> #include <exceptional/grovelling.h>
>
> Why did the Knights who say Ni, say Ni?
>
> And why did they change their mind?
>
> Idle supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 75,000,000 years ago, the Galactic Overlord Xenu solved the
} overpopulation of his Empire by kidnapping people, bringing them to
} Earth, chaining them to a volcano, and dropping a nuke on them.  They
} were then captured, and taken to an "implant station", where they were
} brainwashed into thinking they were mere mortals.  Indeed, they were
} even brainwashed into thinking that they should go around saying Ni!
} Ni!
}
} They changed their mind after "finding some plants, trees, etc and
} communicating with each one individually until they were sure their
} communication had been received."
}
} You owe the Oracle one trip to alt.religion.scientology


835-10    (9iwDx dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell this insignificant thing, oh great spiffy oracle... where
> do woodchucks go in the winter (besides your dinner table)???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good lord! I don't think this has ever happened before. At least, I
} don't think it has... hmm... Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC!!!
}
} [Enter Zadoc the Priest, shuffling on his knees as custom demands]
}
} ZADOC: You whooped, O Usenet Ubermensch As Was But Internet Icon As Is?
}
} ORACLE: Well done, Zadoc -- that was so convoluted and fatuous not even
}     I understood it.
}
} ZADOC: Thank you, Master!
}
} ORACLE: Never mind the small talk. I called you in to have a look at
}     this woodchuck question --
}
} [Zadoc the Priest lurches back in horror and starts crossing himself
} vigorously, mumbling benedictions]
}
} ORACLE: No, twit! It's nothing like that, stop getting yourself in a
}     lather. Look -- the supplicant doesn't ask about wood-chucking.
}     It's a completely unrelated question. I think that's the first time
}     we've ever had that, isn't it?
}
} ZADOC: As you know, O Thou Who Art Gigascient But Occasionally
}     Forgetful, I have memorised all the Oracular digests to date as
}     part of my priestly training. There was once a generic woodchuck
}     question, to which you responded by sending the supplicant a
}     woodchuck FAQ. Another vile and bestial supplicant then spammed
}     your mailbox with all the questions taken from the FAQ itself.
}
} ORACLE [chuckling]: Oh yes, I remember now. It's not often anybody gets
}     multiply ZOTted. How is the miscreant now?
}
} ZADOC: Compost, Master. Along with his neighbors, their neighbors and
}     several passers-by. Our insurance premiums are still astronomic.
}
} ORACLE: Heh heh, that'll learn him to mess with immortals.
}
} ZADOC: Shall I notify our lawyers -- Messrs. Dewey, Cheatum and Howe --
}     that you are about to repeat the exercise on this supplicant, so
}     that they can get the papers ready?
}
} ORACLE: No, I was rather pleased to get a different sort of woodchuck
}     question for a change. Shows an original mind. I think we should
}     reward the fellow. I know! Let's make him a priest.
}
} ZADOC: But -- but, Master! We don't have any vacancies for new priests
}     at the moment.
}
} ORACLE: That's okay, he can have your place. I was getting sick of the
}     sight of your face and the sound of your long-winded drivelling
}     anyway.
}
} [Zadoc the Priest, appalled beyond his power to express, kneels
} paralysed before the Oracle, opening and closing his mouth without
} issuing any sound]
}
} ORACLE: You know, Zadoc, you look just like a goldfish when you do
}     that. Yes, we'll give him your place, and... Say, what's his name,
}     anyway?
}
} ZADOC: Oop... agh... um, that is, er, Vernon T. Poppelmeyer.
}
} ORACLE: That could pose a problem. Poppelmeyer the Priest? Vern the
}     Priest? Hmm... no, I don't think so... Oh well, so much for that.
}     Looks like you can stay, Zadoc.
}
} ZADOC: Master, thank you, thank you, thank you! You are the sun that
}     lightens our darkness! Your mercy is not strained, it pours like
}     the oil out of a punctured supertanker and --
}
} ORACLE: Oh, do shut up! Go away and strangle a lemur, or do something
}     else constructive.
}
} ZADOC: At once, Master! A dozen lemurs, Master! All in your name, O
}     Thou Who Art The Nemesis Of All Small Furry Irritating Creatures!
}
} [Zadoc the Priest shuffles backwards towards the door. A thought
} strikes him just before he reaches it]
}
} ZADOC: Erm, Master... Forgive my insolence, for I know it is an affront
}     for such a wretched worm and pismire as myself to even draw breath
}     in your presence, but...
}
} ORACLE: *sigh* What now?
}
} ZADOC: Aren't you going to answer the supplicant's question, Master?
}
} ORACLE: What? What question? Oh! Of course I was. You didn't think I'd
}     forgotten, did you?
}
} ZADOC: Not for a nanosecond, Master!
}
} ORACLE: Good -- push off then.
}
} [Exit Zadoc the Priest]
}
} So, you want to know where woodchucks go in the winter? Florida.
}
} You owe the Oracle a priest without a silly name. I mean, for crying
} out loud! Stenor, Snuggles, Dr. Noe, Harold the Foot, Darkmage -- what
} can you hope to achieve with a rabble like that?


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org