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Internet Oracularities #836

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836, 836-01, 836-02, 836-03, 836-04, 836-05, 836-06, 836-07, 836-08, 836-09, 836-10


Internet Oracularities #836    (135 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 3 Jun 1996 08:33:23 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   836
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

836  135 votes 4kMGl aAJue dmFBm jIPj2 bKPl6 bNKib gtDyh 7iQEi iuRq8 8wSsd
836   3.0 mean  3.4   3.0   3.2   2.6   2.7   2.8   3.1   3.3   2.8   3.0


836-01    (4kMGl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Psychologically Stable Oracle, please help me out.  This morning I
> was happily getting ready to go to school, when my wife screamed,
> "AAAAUUUGGGHHH!!! There's a dead Beatle on the kitchen floor!"
>
> Now, naturally, I assumed she was talking about John (he being the only
> dead one so far), so I went running.  When I got there, not only was
> John's decomposing body NOT on our kitchen floor, but she was pointing
> at some squished bug and begging me to get rid of it, apparently having
> forgotten all about John.  Is my wife losing it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have no fear, she is not losing it.  That "squashed bug" was in
} fact one of the many reincarnations of John Lennon since his
} unfortunate demise.  Being such a talented individual, he has made
} his mark in many forms of life.  And no, I don't just mean the mark
} on your kitchen floor.  Fellow insects regarded this particular
} Beatle with great respect, since it composed some of the highest
} forms of insect music ever chirped.  Among the lyrics of this fine
} beatle were:
}
} "Yesterday, it was so easy to fly away, now they closed
}  the window woe is me, they'll open it again one day?"
}
} "We all live in the yellow wallpaper,
}  just underneath that bit,
}  where it's peeled away."
}
} "She's got a cricket to crawl, and she's ok."
}
} "Strawberry picnics, this is unreal,
}  something to get stuck about, strawberry picnics forever."
}
} "Roll up! Roll up - means the swatter's here!"
}
} Alas it never got to write classics such as "Jealous Fly" because
} your wife stepped on it.


836-02    (aAJue dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> echo "I'm a tiny tiny thing"
> echo "Ever flying in the spring"
> echo "Round and round a ringaring."
> echo "Long ago I was a king"
> echo "Now I do this kind of thing. "
> echo "On the wing, on the wing! "
> echo "Bing! "
> echo "                   Joyce "

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I'm glad that I will never see
}       A UNIX style of poetry
}       The #includes that I attach
}       Checking that my '"'s match
}       The cryptic text of all my betters
}       With titles formed from just two letters
}       But run "vi", give it a bash
}       50 words, and then a ...
}
} /usr/games/Joyce: segmentation violation (core dumped)


836-03    (dmFBm dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie,
>
>      When are you and Lisa going to settle down and have a slew of
> little Orrie's and Lisa's?
>
> Your Humble Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's all I need - teenagers who really do know everything.
}
} You owe the Oracle some deity-proof birth control.


836-04    (jIPj2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderful Oracle, to whom I cannot begin to grovel
> properly:
>
> Many a time in your words to us, I see questions which
> #include <grovel.h>
> Now this may be fine for an all knowing being such as yourself, but
> those of use who are but slime underneath your toenails, we are not
> gifted enough to fathom this great library of grovels.  Will you
> spare a worthless spitball such as myself the grace of knowing what is
> in this file?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This mystical file (which only exists on certain machine
} configurations) is used to assist in replying more efficiently to the
} numerous requests received.  The full scope of such texts is not for
} the eyes of mere supplicants such as thyself, but you have persuaded me
} to enlighten you to a small portion of it...behold!
}
} /**********
}   <grovel.h> - standard include file for Oracle inquiries
}   Version 0.2a
} **********/
}
} #include <string.h>
} #include <errsys.h>
} #include "dry_witticisms.h"
}
} #ifndef ASLEEP
}
} #ifdef WOODCHUCK
} #define ZOT
} #endif
}
} #ifdef CLUELESS
} #define EXTRA_SARCASM
} #endif
}
} /* Is the supplicant truly worthy of a response? */
} #ifdef SUFFICIENTLY_GROVELLING
}
} #define RESPOND mail oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}
} int generate_response(char *);
} char * generate_clever_payment(char *);
}
} #endif
}
} #endif
}
} You owe the Oracle a new and improved preprocessor.


836-05    (bKPl6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracular wonderful Great:
>
> Why is the paper so green, the sky so mixed-up, the trees so white, and
> me so green?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the days before digital scanning equipment, primitive
} tribesmen would wander the plains of the pre-postindustrial
} wastelands with optical recording instruments. These
} tribesmen rendered their images first in an oddly reversed
} view on a thin transparent film and called it a negative.
} They then used processes arcane and diabolical to turn
} these into pictures similar to what you get on a high
} resolution monitor (although it was more like a screen
} capture than an imaging device.) The artifact you hold
} in you hands is one of these proto-pictures and was undoubtably
} produced by such an antique.
}
} You owe the Oracle nude .GIFs of Ansel Adams


836-06    (bNKib dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle who knowest all in time and space:
>
> I have to give a presentation on Managing Time in Geographical
> Information Systems in a little over an hour and, as usual, I am under
> prepared. What can I do in the remaining time to give my presentation
> that extra sparkle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To give your presentation a little more sparkle, you could always use
} fireworks, but pyrotechnics usually requires a license, and that would
} take too long.
}
} Have you considered accelerating your presentation to the speed of
} light?  You would be blue-shifted, but everyone would think that your
} presentation was taking too long, because of the time dilation.  You
} could always accelerate your audience to the speed of light, in which
} case, they would experience a red-shift, and rightly so, because
} they'd be angry since they thought they missed your presentation,
} which was infinitely short.
}
} Oops, you might have to travel to the 24th century before you find the
} right time machine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a smart Time Machine that doesn't have a Microsoft
} sticker on it.


836-07    (gtDyh dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are all products from Gateway 2000 decorated with
> large cow spots? Do the Gateway marketing people think
> lots of cow spots = good quality?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Gateway people are mad. They were driven to madness by paranoia.
} They were driven to paranoia by caffeine. They were driven to caffeine
} by having to work late hours, so they can pay their bills and fill the
} gaps in the walls, the gaps that let the evil flying insects which they
} can't see when they turn the lights on, but they fly around their
} heads, buzzing at them, mocking them and their dreams. If only they had
} smaller heads, they could fit easier into the empty Dealer Copy of
} Windows boxes which they cut holes out of so they can see without being
} vulnerable. Now look at them, they're practically living in a prison
} and the insects are taunting them in tiny insect voices which can
} hardly be heard over their scared, beating hearts.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hammerdrill, dammit, and some liquid rubber fizz.


836-08    (7iQEi dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       If Toy Matinee is such a good band, why has nobody ever heard of
> them?? It just doesn't make any sense...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't make sense until you look at it logically. You see, in order
} for many people to hear about Toy Matinee, other people must tell them
} about the band. In order for many people to go around telling others
} about the band, they must think the band is good.
}
} So you see, the trick is to get the largest number of people thinking a
} band is good. Unfortunately, the tastes of consumers form a bell-curve.
} In other words, a few people appreciate really good things, a few
} people prefer worthless things, but most people like mediocre things.
}
} Success then, depends not on creating the absolute best product, but
} rather in creating a product that most closely matches the tastes of
} the largest number of people. Such a product, by definition, will be
} neither good nor bad, neither dull nor inspiring, neither stupid nor
} clever, and neither useless nor completely useful.
}
} Successful enterprises like Microsoft, The Gap, Hootie and the
} Blowfish, McDonald's, and every major Hollywood studio know this
} principle well.
}
} And so does this particular incarnation. Oracularities, here I come!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Ford Taurus station wagon and a copy of TV Guide.


836-09    (iuRq8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oracle,
>
>      How did Ceri get such a tight perm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You again? You're fixated on this Ceri person, you know. That's
} unhealthy.
}
} As for your question, if you carefully study the small of her back you
} will find a small rheostat which can be moved in either direction from
} "Gentle Wave" to "Velcro". This may be set too far to the right -
} consult your technical manual for details. Later models (Version 3.1
} and higher) have this controlled internally.  You are advised to call
} qualified service personnel before attempting an adjustment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a remote control for his girlfriend.


836-10    (8wSsd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ifthenelse

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, Spring, when a young mans fancy turns to conditional statements.
} The elegance of a finely turned condition, the blood surging at
} the daring use of Boolean Logic, the jump in the step. Of course,
} different languages have different variants, such as unless, whenever,
} while, until... Heady stuff. Try not to get carried away.
}
} You owe the Oracle a truth table, and a falsehood couch.


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