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Internet Oracularities #837

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837, 837-01, 837-02, 837-03, 837-04, 837-05, 837-06, 837-07, 837-08, 837-09, 837-10


Internet Oracularities #837    (131 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 6 Jun 1996 12:22:57 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   837
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

837  131 votes KIqb4 krFrg cvRq9 auNoi DpGj6 tzDm6 iyDqe 96xDI kyxqi 5sUoi
837   2.9 mean  2.1   2.9   2.9   3.1   2.5   2.5   2.9   3.8   2.9   3.2


837-01    (KIqb4 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I told you already, DON'T ASK ME THE WOODCHUCK QUESTION!
>
> ***** ***** ****** *****
>    *  *   *    *    ***
>   *   *   *    *     *
>  *    *   *    *
> ***** *****    *     *

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And the question is: How can even the average shmoe supplicant live the
} glamorous life of the Internet Oracle?


837-02    (krFrg dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 54?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, that would be a few too many chromosomes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise not to bear offspring.


837-03    (cvRq9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh wise one...
>
> Is the State of Texas REALLY as big as all outdoors and is it
> possible that a fusion powered spacecraft could attain the speed of
> light... or at least .9 of the S of L ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Topologically speaking, every point in the Grand and Glorious
} Sovereign State of Texas can be mapped to every point of "outdoors"
} strange but true.
}
} A fusion, or matter-antimatter reaction, powered spacecraft cannot
} reach lightspeed.  That is a matter of Physics.  Going 90% of
} lightspeed is certainly possible, that just takes engineering design
} work.
}
} As an aside, if you mounted fusion jets to the State of Texas, and
} accelerated, eventually the state would mass as much as all outdoors.
}
} You owe the Oracle a working fusion spaceship.


837-04    (auNoi dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mystical Oracle, I cannot ever understand you, even when you speak in
> words shorter than one syllable.  Maybe I'm just stupid.
>
> Can you please tell me how to get more

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  First, kill a turtle and turn its shell upside down (you should
} eat the turtle.)  When you are picking up the berries and roots, put
} them in the shell instead of trying to carry them all in your hands.
} You've really been dropping more than you keep.  And sooner or later
} you're going to have to deal with that bright orange burning stuff.  I
} know it hurts, but when used properly it will scare away the large
} carnivorous beasts at night so that you can develop speech habits and
} devise better hunting and gathering strategies.  Then you can also
} start working on your pickup lines, and you'll really start getting
} more.
}
} You owe the Oracle your thick skull to put in a museum in a few
} thousand years.


837-05    (DpGj6 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do nice guys always come last?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the hot chicks don't go for the nice guys.
}
} You owe The Oracle a deposit to your local sperm bank.


837-06    (tzDm6 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most -- oops.  Sorry.  Gotta go take my French final!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This oracle is becoming increasingly displeased with the quality of
} recent supplicants.  It was bad enough when the supplicants didn't
} grovel enough (or any at all) but now they don't even ask a question?
}
} The answer is: 42.
}
} You now owe the oracle an Alex Trebek fan guide.


837-07    (iyDqe dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <blink><font size="5"><b><i><u>
> Most kewl Oracle
> </u></i></b></font></blink>
>
> how can I get a scrolling LED display to work on my home page?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <IMG SRC="divinewrath.jpg">
}
} <ZOT>
} Supplicant, I am royally sick and tired of HTML questions.  I have
} therefore introduced my own extension to HTML, the purpose of which is
} to remove zombified web-heads like you from the gene pool before the
} entire human race is reduced to a bunch of pointing, clicking idiots.
} </ZOT>
}
} <P>
} Your next of kin owes the Oracle penance unto the tenth generation.
} </P>


837-08    (96xDI dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The prevalence of null questions in the Oracle's queues has
} remained unexplained since the dawn of Oracular studies.  While
} underestimation of the intelligence of the average supplicant is
} indeed difficult, relatively few of them are actually entirely
} empty-headed, which makes the obervation that many Incarnations
} receive one or more null questions each week rather perplexing.
}
} We would like to propose a new hypothesis, which is that null
} questions arise from the mutual annihilation of question and
} anti-question within the queue.  The question is replaced in
} the queue by the generated null, while the energy of the
} interaction is carried by a high-energy ZOTon which serves
} as an answer to the anti-question.  The plausibility of this
} hypothesis is strengthened by the observed existence of anti-
} questions for many of the most frequently asked questions.
}
} For instance:
}
} Q+: How can I get her to notice me?
} Q-: How can I get him to leave me alone?
}
} Q+: Why can't we all just get along?
} Q-: I'm Joel Furr, and I'd like to tell you about something that
}     really pisses me off.
}
} Q+: How can I make money fast?
} Q-: Why is Windows 95 so bad?
}
} Q+: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
}     chuck wood?
} Q-: How can I live a long and happy life?
}
} Q+: Prose is fine, but poetry is neater,
}     I know how to rhyme, but I guess I could possibly use some
}         help with my meter.
} Q-: Which operating system is better?  C++ or Netscape?
}
} Q+: To be or not to be: that is the question.
} Q-: Is the Answer really 42?
}
} Q+: How can I make the Oracularities?
} Q-: I'm a hopeless geek.  How can I expand my horizons beyond
}     computer systems, Star Trek, bad puns and an endless search
}     for titillation on the net?
}
} Occasionally, one observes questions which are their own anti-
} questions.  The interaction between pairs of such questions seems
} likely to produce two or more null questions, plus a shower of
} ZOTons which may themselves react with other questions.  The
} problem of just how many such questions need to be asked before
} the queue goes critical is an interesting subject for further
} research.
}
} Q+/-: I know she says she loves me, but does she *really* mean it?
}       And why doesn't she trust me?
} Q+/-: Listen up, @*&^$%&.  What's with this CDA &^%$#@*&?  Don't
}       those fascist %$**&#@%^s understand I have something
}       *^#$+^%ing important to say?
} Q+/-: Why do people ask so many stupid questions?


837-09    (kyxqi dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest Oracle, who knows more about pets than any vet:
>
> Some mornings I wake up and my Schroedinger's cat is dead, others I
> wake up and he's alive, and sometimes he seems only half-alive!  Why?
> What can I do to help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try only half waking up - that way you can't lose!


837-10    (5sUoi dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@cs.mcgill.ca

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most telegenic one,
>
> What are the "Freemen" in Montana trying to prove?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fermat's Last Theorem.  Sadly, because Montana is so cut off from the
} rest of the world -- can you believe that it is even cut off from North
} Dakota? -- word that the theorem was proved has not yet reached the
} Freeman.  The interesting question is why the FBI is so interested in
} preventing a small band of Montanans from independently proving the
} theorem.  But that's not what you asked.
}
} You owe the Oracle a textbook on elementary geometry.


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