[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 19:44:19 GMT

Internet Oracularities #838

Goto:
838, 838-01, 838-02, 838-03, 838-04, 838-05, 838-06, 838-07, 838-08, 838-09, 838-10


Internet Oracularities #838    (117 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 12 Jun 1996 12:09:08 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   838
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

838  117 votes adCL9 lwyl9 jwBib 2gDKe 4fvMj cgBzh 6cwBu brxmo dCDj8 7ixEj
838   3.2 mean  3.3   2.7   2.7   3.5   3.5   3.2   3.6   3.2   2.8   3.4


838-01    (adCL9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oracle so much wise, please tell me:
>         since we all know things grow under the effect of the heat, for
> example, days are getting longer in the summer, why are the women's
> skirts getting *shorter* (In Paris, it's *quite* shorter.....)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant --
}
} As you may or may not be aware, a large amount of energy is contained
} within women's skirts.  Literally billons of excited particles spend
} their days merrily bouncing against one another in a shameless display
} of Brownian motion.  As the air temperature rises outside however,
} these skirt particles become more and more excited, gradually changing
} state from solid to liquid to gas, and ultimately, to plasma, wherby
} the molecular bonds shatter.  The component particles are thrown
} pell-mell in all directions, passing through solid matter (and
} adolescent males), and eventually flying off into space.
}
} Some say that autumn and winter were invented to keep women's skirts
} from disappearing completely, making it very difficult to get any work
} done at all.  I, for one, look forward to global warming, and its
} effect on the fashion industry.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bikini wax.


838-02    (lwyl9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (Otis Viles)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O brilliant Master of the Net, whose feet I am unworthy to kiss,
>
> Do you ever have question distribution bugs?  Could I be sent the
> answer to somebody else's question by accident?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, I DO NOT want to hear the woodchuck question ANY MORE.  This is
} the FIVE HUNDREDTH time you've sent it to me over the last TWO DAYS,
} and I'm getting SICK of it!  You hear me!  And you haven't even
} grovelled once, and all that I've done is minorly injure you!  You know
} what you deserve?  I'll show you what you deserve:
}
}   *   ***** ***** ***** *****   *
} * * *    *  *   *   *    ***  * * *
}  ***    *   *   *   *     *    ***
} * * *  *    *   *   *         * * *
}   *   ***** *****   *     *     *
}
} Piles of dust can't ask questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle -- wait, you're dead.


838-03    (jwBib dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> http://oracle.most.wise.edu/grovel/ohgreatwonderful/
>   zotswoodchucksandlemurs/
> http://tellme.why.org/this/true/
>
> http://im.obsessed.net/with/web/surfing/?/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} http://supplicant.most.stoopid.aol/well/where_else_would_he_be_from/
} http://computer.fundamentals.training.net/HowTo/Logoff.html
} http://social.life.wantads.com/most_desperate/
}
} http://you.owe.oracle.omni/bandwidth_increase/tenfold/


838-04    (2gDKe dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, please share you're infinite wisdom and tell me
> what happens to a stone dropped in a well that would go trough the
> Earth ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like all things that pass through to the other side of the earth, it
} would wind up in China.
}
} This theory was actually put to the test many, many years ago. Such a
} well was dug, and stone after stone was dropped into it, never to be
} seen again. Meanwhile, the Chinese were astounded to find rocks
} constantly popping out of a recently-created hole in the ground.
} Despite their bewilderment, they did have enough sense to say, "Well,
} as long as we're getting all these free rocks, we might as well put
} them to use".
}
} Several proposals were made, including the "Great Pile of Rocks of
} China", the "Great Gravel Driveway of China", the "Great Stone
} Barcalounger of China", and the "Really Impressive Giant Checkers Set
} of China". In the end, however, a big wall was the only thing everyone
} could agree on.
}
} You owe the Oracle some wallpaper. And lots of it.


838-05    (4fvMj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the sun go on shining?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jehovah Construction & Maintenance Co.
} P.O. Box 3
} Elysium, Milky Way 777777742
} "Order out of Chaos in 7 days, or your money back!"
}
} Dear Mr. Oracle,
}
} Thank you very much for the inquiry you forwarded to us from Supplicant
} Qa29090.  We have investigated the situation, and it turns out your
} supplicant is absolutely right.  The continued operation of Sol does
} represent a significant expense.  We estimate we would save several
} thousand ptarggs per xorpf if we turned it off, or at least put it in
} standby mode.  Our ships seldom need to visit, after all, as there are
} now several more convenient locations offering high-quality livestock
} organs.  We are therefore taking steps to rectify the situation
} immediately.
}
} While this savings may seem small, we estimate that there are thousands
} of other similarly useless stars in this galaxy alone.  We have started
} a program to locate and extinguish these, and estimate that this could
} have a very significant impact on our bottom line for the current
} fiscal qlomgar.
}
} Thank you and your Supplicant very much for your suggestion.  We would
} hate to be "left in the dark" about a matter as important as this.
}
}                                         Yours,
}
}                                         Beneziel
}                                         Budget Director, Jehovah C&M


838-06    (cgBzh dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does Gummi means ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ------------------------------------------------------------
} You have reach the Oracular Search Engine for bizarre words.
}
}     -------------------------------------------
}     | Neat picture with hypnotic subliminal   |
}     | message telling you to sell your soul   |
}     | to the Oracle                           |
}     -------------------------------------------
}
}     Search: Gummy
}
} 15386 items found
}
} A type of shoelace, the sound of one hand clapping, the password for
} releasing the US nuclear arsenal, the way the dog of a non-grovelling
} supplicant feels after it's master has been *ZOT*ed, a yet to be
} discovered type of subatomic particle, the name of the 8th dwarf, a
} drink popular near M-361, the last word uttered by Jonh H. Stheven in
} 1721 before he spontaneously combusted, the substance from which the
} glue that ties the universe together is made of, said of something
} which can be chewed, the name given to the ball in ballpoint pens
} before everyone forgot about it, the name of the clerk who approved the
} building of the Pisa tower, said of the way shadows dance across the
} spring of a pogo-stick in a mid-summer afternoon, one of the 12573
} sacred words of the opopochoatl tribe, the name of the second moon of
} the planet now known as the asteroid belt before it crashed on said
} planet, the battle cry of the much ridiculed Ireck the Viking, the
} substance in a vampire's skin which prevents it's reflection from
} showing on a mirror, a caribbean lizard, an extremely rare type of fish
} which doesn't know how to swim and drowns easily, a typical material
} found in pocket lint, a type of dessert generally served to ogres after
} devouring small children, the stuff dreams are made of, the 13th sign
} of the zodiac,
}
}     [Prev1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|Next]
}
} You owe the oracle a grovel and good explanation before I make your
} dog feel gummy.


838-07    (6cwBu dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who's mind is so large and open it rivals Roseanne
> Arnold's mouth,  if you find my question worthy, tell me:  If it's "a
> penny for your thoughts" and you "put your two cents in",  who's making
> the extra penny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Thank you for Thinking! Come again soon!
}       GST#:B50678GFR389       June 11, 1996
}       Server: Brain           13:17
}
}       Item                            Amount
}
}       1 Thought                       $0.0100
}         - surcharge for it being a    $0.0025
}               rational thought
}         - surcharge for free thought  $0.0025
}         - CDA administration fee      $0.0004
}
}       Pre-tax total:                  $0.0154
}               GST 7%                  $0.0011
}               PST 8%                  $0.0012
}       Subtotal:                       $0.0177
}
}       Tip:                            $0.0023
}
}       You owe the Oracle:             $0.0200


838-08    (brxmo dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@mincom.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this a dagger I see before me, it's handle towards my band?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Come, let me clutch thy supplicant.  I have thee not, and yet I
} see woodchuck questions still.  Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible
} to feeling as to sight?  Or are thou but a supplicant of my omniscient
} mind, a false creation, proceeding from the silly-question oppressed
} all-powerful brain?  I see thee yet, in form as palpable as this which
} now I answer to.  Thou marshall'st me the way that I was going, and
} such a supplicant I was to ZOT.  Mine eyes are made the fools o' the
} other senses, or else worth all the rest; I see thee still, and on thy
} lips and mind questions of woodchucks, html tags, and "grovel.h", which
} was not so before.  There's no such thing:  it is the endless pressure
} of knowing which informs thus to mine all-seeing eyes.  Now o'er the
} one halfworld the internet seems dead, and wicked questions abuse the
} privelege of the oracle.  Witchcraft celebrates Pale Hecate's
} offerings, and wither'd murder, Alarum'd by his sentinel, the
} woodchuck, whose howl's his watch, thus with his clumsy pace.  With
} Tarquin's ravishing strides, towards his design Moves like the ghost of
} a ZOTTED supplicant who asked one too many ridiculous questions.  Thou
} sure and firm-set earth, hear not the answering of questions, who I
} answer to, for fear thy very stones prate of my knowledge, and take the
} present horror from the time, which now suits it.  Whiles I threat, he
} asks woodchuck questions: Words to the heat of answers too cold breath
} answers.
}
} Out out, damn supplicant!


838-09    (dCDj8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' Spurious and l33+ Oracle on High, answer this most pitiful and
> trivial question from I, your most humble plebian...
>
> Who is McDonalds trying to kid with their Arch Deluxe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're trying to kid everybody into thinking that their
} products are anything other than the scorched corpses of tormented,
} antibiotic-and-growth-hormone-injected, topsoil-eroding, mad bovine
} critters, and that said products will do anything for you other than
} have you wind up paying some cardiac surgeon's kids' orthodontist
} bills.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tofu burger with extra alfalfa sprouts.


838-10    (7ixEj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, oracle most grand, to whom i am not nearly worthy of the title
> "supplicant", please answer these most dire questions:
>       Will the jackson's ever go away, and if so, how could one speed
>       the process?
> Thank you, oh mighty oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant,
}
} Though they may seem to be a thorn in the buttock of humanity, the
} Jackson clan is actually a Force for Good, not Evil.  Banishment, you
} see, would have grave effects upon mankind, the Earth, and the Universe
} at Large.  For instance...
}
} * Waiflike Janet is engaged in a lifelong mission to bring "da funk" to
} boogie-starved areas of the planet like Cambodia, Haiti, and Nebraska.
}
} * The very glandular LaToya exerts enough gravitational pull to help
} smooth irregularities in Earth's orbit caused by nuclear testing and
} Vanilla Ice.
}
} * Ever-fading Michael is single-handedly responsible for masterminding
} the largest journalistic empire known to man vis a vis the tabloid
} industry, employing thousands of former Kinney shoe salesmen throughout
} America and Europe, thus lessening the draw on an already overtaxed
} global welfare system.
}
} * The mildly greasy Tito and the remaining three Jackson brothers
} (Mango, Kiwi, and Curly) are being tested as alternative "humane"
} weapons in U.N. peace-keeping missions.  The Brothers Four are
} air-dropped into hostile territory where they demoralize warring
} factions with tales from their sagging solo careers and pathetic
} comeback attempts.
}
} Though it is not alwasy easy to see, I hope you now understand how the
} Jackson Family fits into the Grand Scheme of Things.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of curl relaxer.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org