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Internet Oracularities #839

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839, 839-01, 839-02, 839-03, 839-04, 839-05, 839-06, 839-07, 839-08, 839-09, 839-10


Internet Oracularities #839    (124 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 20 Jun 1996 15:35:20 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   839
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

839  124 votes bswxk 6llEA cmIrj cexCr cuBqj 9vzxg cqEmo dxJp8 tGsh8 azvye
839   3.1 mean  3.2   3.6   3.2   3.4   3.1   3.1   3.2   2.9   2.5   3.1


839-01    (bswxk dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come its so quiet in here these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, Lemmy, your eardrums have blown again.
}
} I SAID, YOUR EARDRUMS HAVE - Aaah, what's the use.
}
} You owe the Oracle an amp that goes up to 11. I SAID - oh, forget it.


839-02    (6llEA dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that I don't notice the the errors in my mail mesagges until
> AFTER I've clicked on the "SEND" icon?  THere seems to be a direct
> relationship betwween the number of errors I make and the importantness
> of the person I am snending the message to.  And with someone as
> impotant as youself, I wouldn't be surprised if this message ends up
> looking like comnplete gibbberrish.  Even when I prrof-read my
> carefully crafted literary masterpeices, errors still appear AFTER I've
> cliscked on "SEND".  It's as though the icon also initiates a sort of
> reverse-spell-cheker on my messagees.  Thnaks in advace for answering
> my question my question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The fault that you even *shave* a send iron leaks volumes abort your
} oiling service. As an AO Luser, you shore the servile with a huge
} dumber of cretins that makes for a bald recitation in the Infernal
} community. Therefore, AWOL has mortified the software to mate every
} massage come out with an equal numbing of air wars. As you kin see, the
} latex 3.0 venision does a better jaw of connecting spewing eros, but
} it's newt perfect yet.
}
} You woe the Horrible a beater whey to spend e-maul.


839-03    (cmIrj dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Indecently Wise Oracle, the Communications Decency Act just ate flaming
> death! Shall I celebrate it by committing several indecent acts of
> communications?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, from what I've seen, what the world needs from you is several
} decent acts of incommunication.


839-04    (cexCr dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Imagine no posessions;
> I wonder if Yoko Ono could?...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Imagine there's no supplicants.
} It's easy if you try.
} Imagine no more stupid questions.
} Like Who, what, when, how and why.
}
} Imagine no more grovels,
} Written in C++,
} With #inclu-huuuuuuu-uuuude.
}
} You may say that I'm omnipotent.
} And I am the only one.
} So I can zot your butts all day long.
} 'Til I get tired, and I feel I'm done.
}
} Imagine no more woodchucks.
} And no more chucking wood.
} Imagine perfect grammar.
} And good spelling if you could.
}
} Imagine no AOLers,
} Wasting lots of space.
} D000000000D!
}
} You may say that I'm omnipotent.
} And I am the only one.
} So I can zot your butts all day long.
} 'Til I get tired, and I feel I'm done.


839-05    (cuBqj dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, you are so BIG, so absolutely huge, gosh, we're all
> really impressed down here I can tell you.
>
> Forgive me, O Oracle, for this dreadful toadying and barefaced
> flattery.  But you are so strong and, well, just so super.
>
> Oh Orrie, please don't zot us,
> Don't grill or toast your flock.
> Don't put me on the barbecue,
> Or summer me in stock,
> Don't braise or bake or boil me,
> Or stir-fry me in a wok...
>
> Oh, please don't lightly poach me,
> Or baste me with hot fat,
> Don't fricassee or roast me,
> Or boil me in a vat,
> And please don't stick thy supplicant
> In a Rotissomat...
>
> ... well, now for something completely different, where WAS the
> fish in the middle of the film?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm an omnipotent being,
}      And have been since before I was born,
}      And the one thing they say about us Gods,
}      Is they'll ask you dumb questions as soon as they're formed...
}
} Every question is sacred,
}      Every question is great,
}      If a question is wasted,
}      I get quite irate.
}
} Let the supplicants waste theirs,
}      On some silly hogs of ground,
}      I shall make them pay for,
}      Each brain cell that can't be found.
}
} Every question is wanted,
}      Every question is good,
}      Every question is needed,
}      In your neighbourhood.
}
} Then there are AOL'ers,
}      Who try to waste my time,
}      But I love those who give their
}      Questions in a rhyme.
}
} Every question is useful,
} Every question is fine,
} I need everybody's!
} So please get in the line.
}
} Though the AOLers ask theirs,
}      O'er mountain, hill and plain,
}      I shall zot them down for
}      Each question that's asked in vain.
}
} Yes, every question is sacred.
} Every question is great.
} You asked about the fishy fish?
} Allow me to iterate.
}
} My question queue is filling,
} It's taken all it's got.
} I shall speed up things for all of us,
} And dish out another *ZOT*


839-06    (9vzxg dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o almighty oracle, please help me with what is becoming a problem more
> severe every day! you are my only hope!
>
> i seem to have encountered a horrible rash of bad luck that started
> about 3 weeks ago and is still going: first, my pet lizard ran away.
> then, something very bad (it's very personal and i'd rather not reveal
> it, but trust me, it's bad!) happened, and then somebody snatched my
> crops, and then my boyfriend got mono (i don't have it yet but i'll
> probably get it), and today my backpack's zipper broke and my brand new
> 32 oz thermos of coffee fell to the ground and shattered!
>
> i just dont' know what to do. my luck seems to be getting worse. i'm at
> my wit's end. do i have bad karma? how can i purge myself of the evil
> that has taken over my being?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Write a Country Music song about it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a few ounces from your next crop.


839-07    (cqEmo dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle so mighty whose reach is infinate and whose rubber ducky
> is yellow, answer me your humble supplicate this question:
>
> What should one do when confronted by an irate postal worker?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shoot back.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Kevlar vest.


839-08    (dxJp8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, in whose infinate wisdom knew that Peter was lying the
> *first* time when he cried wolf, please help me!!
> A small fly has just flown into my ear and I can feel it tickling
> inside my head.  I tried poking my finger into my ear, but it won't go
> in far enough to reach the itch.  I swallowed a spider to catch the fly
> but it just wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside me.  I could spray
> some bug killer into my ear, but with the danger of CFC's and global
> warming I would like to pursue all other avenues before resorting to
> this dangerous option.  And besides, what if the fly is really Jeff
> Goldblum rehearsing for another "Fly" film?  What can I do?
>
> P.S.  It was my left ear.
>
> P.P.S. I've already tried the "sink plunger on each ear" trick, and
> that didn't work either; but it did remove a small grey lump from my
> head with a sort of wavy pattern all over it.
>
> P.P.P.S. It was the lump that had a wavy pattern all over it, not my
> head.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Typically, flies are attracted to light.  The solution to your problem,
} then, is to shine a flashlight into the other ear resulting in the fly
} proceeding to the source of the glow and then it will fly away.


839-09    (tGsh8 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and magnificent one, I am so bored, is this all there is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, there is much, much more. However, it's Windows 95 or NT, Pentium
} reccomended.


839-10    (azvye dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Fluffy Oracle who knows much more than there actually is,
> please answer my question:
>
> I keep hearing claims that there are many international conspiracies
> around us. Are there actually any?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, supplicant, who wishes to pierce the veil of mystery surrounding
} the subject of international conspiracy,
}
} I sent my simulacrum of a secret agent, Htron Revilo, into the dark
} alleyways of the secret world, from the Casbah of Algiers and the back
} streets of Gaza to the luxurious cafes adjacent to the Quai d'Orsay.
} At considerable risk to life and limb, as well as his Newt Gingrich
} hairdo, Htron met with "usually reliable informants," some of who had
} "provided accurate information in the past," and many of whom were "in
} a position to know."
}
} Htron drank stout in Dublin and Belfast, vodka in Moscow, aguardiente
} in various parts of South America, arrak in Beirut, and tea among the
} teetotalers of the desert.
}
} He investigated stories of Red Brigades, Red Army faction, mujahideen,
} separatists, revanchists, unionists, anarchists, communists and
} fascists, black helicopters, Black Power, the Black Hand, the Black
} Watch, Black Beauty, Black Shirts, Silver Shirts, Brown Shirts, Green
} Shirts, no shirts (decamisados), and no pants (sans-culottes).
}
} Once he recovered from a serious overdose of cheap booze and bad tea,
} Htron Revilo reported as follows:
}
} There once was a man from Nantucket,
} Brought a conspiracy home in a bucket,
} The claims and the lies,
} Brought tears to his eyes,
} I can't find the truth, so just [remainder destroyed in the process of
}   transcription].
}
} You owe the Oracle a book report on Conrad's "The Secret Agent."


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