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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} New! From Oracle Enterprises! The collapsable .signature! } } When not in use, folds up to a handy two-character size, minimizing } transmission time, bandwidth, and annoyance factor. But with a simple } double-click with the middle mouse button while holding down Alt, Ctrl, } Tab, and Delete: } } > } > } } -----> } -----> } } ------------> } mpuserve.com> } ff.htm      > }             > } ------------> } } -----------------> } on@compuserve.com> }                  > } al/biff.htm      > }                  > }                  > } -----------------> } } ---------------------------> }  <b1ffington@compuserve.com> } www.panix.com/~clays/biff/ > } .htm                       > } age/ejournal/biff.htm      > } ml#henderson               > }                            > } _biff.html                 > } s.html                     > } ---------------------------> } } ------------------------------------------------------------------> } "Biff" Abraham H. Biffington, Wanker    <b1ffington@compuserve.com> } "Don't trust anyone under 30."  http://www.panix.com/~clays/biff/ > } http://www.hsv.tis.net/%7Ebttf/bttf_faq.htm                       > } http://www.whistler.net/worldtour/homepage/ejournal/biff.htm      > } http://www.cbs.com/lateshow/latestar.html#henderson               > } http://regina.uio.no/Album/Biff95/                                > } http://lab.housing.fsu.edu/Pages/didyou_biff.html                 > } http://www.eciad.bc.ca/~jmiddlet/results.html                     > } ------------------------------------------------------------------> } } <-------------------------------------------------------------------> } <-"Biff" Abraham H. Biffington, Wanker    <b1ffington@compuserve.com> } <-"Don't trust anyone under 30."  http://www.panix.com/~clays/biff/ > } <-http://www.hsv.tis.net/%7Ebttf/bttf_faq.htm                       > } <-http://www.whistler.net/worldtour/homepage/ejournal/biff.htm      > } <-http://www.cbs.com/lateshow/latestar.html#henderson               > } <-http://regina.uio.no/Album/Biff95/                                > } <-http://lab.housing.fsu.edu/Pages/didyou_biff.html                 > } <-http://www.eciad.bc.ca/~jmiddlet/results.html                     > } <-------------------------------------------------------------------> } } Yes! You now have a complete .signature, ready for vilification on } alt.fan.warlord! Available in Stealth model as well. Only $79.95 at } outlet stores in your area. } } You owe the Oracle a promise never again to wonder whether yours } isn't big enough.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many licks DOES it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a > Tootsie Pop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One, if you're Madonna.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle; I have wet my pants in your presence.  I hope you don't mind. > > My request: > >    I would like access to ALL the Oracle's transmissions.  There must > be a list of questions somewhere and all the responses that have ever > been given to each question! (Why not share?) > >    To conserve disk space, the database can purge all responses over > one month old.  Within one month, the best "oracularities" can be > collected and saved elsewhere. > >    If such information is available, where?  If not, why not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't mind. Just stay away from the sofa or I'll smack you with a } newspaper. } } The information you seek is already collected. You can access it on the } web at http://oracle.org/database/questions/index. } } We had to compress the file to save disk space. Ironically, the entire } content of the compressed version reads: } }         How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could }         chuck wood? } } Seems to sum up 98% of the questions asked.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh grest Oracle whose subprocesses mere moratls cannot fathom > please tell me, it is necessary for amphibians to wait a half an hour > after they eat before going on land?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, because generally the last thing that amphibians eat before going } onto land for the first time is their own tail, and that normally takes } more than half an hour to finish eating, the answer is no, but only } from a scientific point of view. } } Of course, this doesn't matter at all, because their mothers still make } them wait a good forty-five minutes, just to be sure. } } You owe the Oracle proof in writing that the half-hour rule is a myth.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are sugar cubes nutritious?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes Timmy, sugar has a place in a well balanced diet. But for even more } fun, you can take about 6 pounds of sugar, some pink dishwashing liquid } and about one gallon of gasolin.... } }         ORRIE!!!! } }         Yes, Lisa beloved (narf) } }         Orrie, what was the question. } }         You know that dear, it was "Are sugar cubes nutritious?" } }         ...and what were you just telling the young lad. } }         How to make Na...  Oh!  Sorry. } } The answer to your question is yes. } } You owe the Oracle some cotton candy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> []

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yup, that's not a bad way to draw a minature ASCII tie-fighter. } } Other options include: } } [-] or, [*], H, ... and one which is banking to the side  /-/ } } You owe the Oracle an ASCII rendering of the death star which } includes at least 5 different types of tie-fighter.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The inhabitants of the planet F*ckface

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [SCENE: Mulder and Scully sit in a coffeeshop in Flushing, Queens. } Scully attempts to calm Mulder, who has been transformed into a dwarf } by a cult of teenaged psychokinetic hippies during an investigation } into alleged kidnappings of Polish immigrants by the Men In Black.] } } Scully: Mulder, I think you're overreacting. } } Mulder: Overreacting. OVERREACTING? I'm 3 feet two inches tall, Proctor } and Gamble is involved in a plot to market clones of my family members, } Polish people keep dissapearing, I haven't had a decent sex scene in } two seasons and you think i'm OVERREACTING? } } Scully: Cool it, shorty. [She bops him with a rolled up analysis of the } Bigfoot Autopsy film] } } [There is a crash as a team from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and } Firearms swings in through the plate glass window of the coffeeshop. } Agents surround Scully and Mulder and train their weapons on them. An } agent hands Scully a slip of paper. The BATF boys swarm out of the } building into a waiting humvee parked out front.] } } Mulder: What was that all about? } } Scully: [looking pensive] It's a piece of paper of a type I've never } seen before. It has something written on it in green ichor... } } Mulder: What? What does it say? } } Scully: [reading] "The inhabitants of the planet F*ckface..," and then } it trails off... } } Mulder: This may be the clue to finding my long lost sister! } } Scully: [patiently] Mulder, I think you're overreacting... } } *click* } } Damn summer repeats. } } You owe the oracle something decent to watch until the new Babylon 5 } episodes come out.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle who is so wise in the ways of love and lust..... > > How can I attract a mall chick with big fluffy hair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Even the great Oracle who is so wise in the ways of love and lust } is perplexed as to why you would want a mall chick with big fluffy } hair...but that was obviously not your question...your question was } how to attract one. } } The Oracle suggests trying different techniques, each one more } aggressive and severe than the previous. } } Step one, walk through the mall counting a large stack of money. } State loudly to no one in particular that you don't know why you carry } so much money when you have so many credit cards.  The Oracle knows } that mall chicks like big spenders.  (It is recommended that you walk } with a friend who can ward off muggers.)  If that fails to work... } } Step two, get some tattoos.  The Oracle knows that mall chicks with } big fluffy hair like distinctive guys.  After getting tattoos, repeat } step one.  If that fails to work... } } Step three, body piercing (preferably visible body piercing, if you } know what I mean).  (This is for the same reason as step two above). } Repeat step one with your tattooed, pierced body.   If that fails } to work... } } Step four, a Dennis Rodman hair-dye job should top off your pierced, } tattooed body.  By now, every one in the mall will watch you count your } money and listen to your talk about your credit cards...including the } mall chicks with fluffy hair!  However, if you still fail to attract } a mall chick with big fluffy hair... } } Step five, take a photograph of yourself and mail it to Madonna, } maybe she's missing Dennis Rodman and will decide that you are the } next best thing. } } Good luck my pathetic child!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is "Mail Lady" an oxymoron?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, an oxymoron is more along the lines of a moron with an OH+ } radical attached.  Since both morons and free radicals tend to bind } strongly to the first interesting thing that comes along, this is a } match made in heaven. } } You owe the Oracle some jumbo shrimp.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and mighty one, I just tried this, and look what > I got: > > % ping www.nsa.gov > no answer from www.nsa.gov > > I find this vaguely disturbing.  What's going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} click, click, click } [sound of head scratching] } click, click, click, } click } [more sounds of head scratching] } click, click, click, click } [thundering voice] } 'Clever little rats! Hehehehehe' } click } click, click, click } [thundering voice] } 'Hmmm....' } } I will not bother going into many details since your time is very } limited. As I type this answer, they are on their way. They know who } you are, where you live, where you work the color of the socks you are } wearing today etc etc etc.  They know you questioned their existence, } and are out to prove to you that they exist. How do they prove it? } By making you not exist... } } Hello! Hello? Hello.... Mere mortals. } } You owe the Oracle your earthly posessions.