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Internet Oracularities #841

Goto:
841, 841-01, 841-02, 841-03, 841-04, 841-05, 841-06, 841-07, 841-08, 841-09, 841-10


Internet Oracularities #841    (123 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 1 Jul 1996 09:55:34 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   841
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

841  123 votes cyxya ftCre aGOi3 8HLl4 7uJtc 5xDzb jtBmg 4wPqa 7iCzp eACmd
841   3.0 mean  3.0   3.0   2.7   2.8   3.1   3.1   2.9   3.0   3.4   2.9


841-01    (cyxya dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} New! From Oracle Enterprises! The collapsable .signature!
}
} When not in use, folds up to a handy two-character size, minimizing
} transmission time, bandwidth, and annoyance factor. But with a simple
} double-click with the middle mouse button while holding down Alt, Ctrl,
} Tab, and Delete:
}
} >
} >
}
} ----->
} ----->
}
} ------------>
} mpuserve.com>
} ff.htm      >
}             >
} ------------>
}
} ----------------->
} on@compuserve.com>
}                  >
} al/biff.htm      >
}                  >
}                  >
} ----------------->
}
} --------------------------->
}  <b1ffington@compuserve.com>
} www.panix.com/~clays/biff/ >
} .htm                       >
} age/ejournal/biff.htm      >
} ml#henderson               >
}                            >
} _biff.html                 >
} s.html                     >
} --------------------------->
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------>
} "Biff" Abraham H. Biffington, Wanker    <b1ffington@compuserve.com>
} "Don't trust anyone under 30."  http://www.panix.com/~clays/biff/ >
} http://www.hsv.tis.net/%7Ebttf/bttf_faq.htm                       >
} http://www.whistler.net/worldtour/homepage/ejournal/biff.htm      >
} http://www.cbs.com/lateshow/latestar.html#henderson               >
} http://regina.uio.no/Album/Biff95/                                >
} http://lab.housing.fsu.edu/Pages/didyou_biff.html                 >
} http://www.eciad.bc.ca/~jmiddlet/results.html                     >
} ------------------------------------------------------------------>
}
} <------------------------------------------------------------------->
} <-"Biff" Abraham H. Biffington, Wanker    <b1ffington@compuserve.com>
} <-"Don't trust anyone under 30."  http://www.panix.com/~clays/biff/ >
} <-http://www.hsv.tis.net/%7Ebttf/bttf_faq.htm                       >
} <-http://www.whistler.net/worldtour/homepage/ejournal/biff.htm      >
} <-http://www.cbs.com/lateshow/latestar.html#henderson               >
} <-http://regina.uio.no/Album/Biff95/                                >
} <-http://lab.housing.fsu.edu/Pages/didyou_biff.html                 >
} <-http://www.eciad.bc.ca/~jmiddlet/results.html                     >
} <------------------------------------------------------------------->
}
} Yes! You now have a complete .signature, ready for vilification on
} alt.fan.warlord! Available in Stealth model as well. Only $79.95 at
} outlet stores in your area.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise never again to wonder whether yours
} isn't big enough.


841-02    (ftCre dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many licks DOES it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a
> Tootsie Pop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One, if you're Madonna.


841-03    (aGOi3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle; I have wet my pants in your presence.  I hope you don't mind.
>
> My request:
>
>    I would like access to ALL the Oracle's transmissions.  There must
> be a list of questions somewhere and all the responses that have ever
> been given to each question! (Why not share?)
>
>    To conserve disk space, the database can purge all responses over
> one month old.  Within one month, the best "oracularities" can be
> collected and saved elsewhere.
>
>    If such information is available, where?  If not, why not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't mind. Just stay away from the sofa or I'll smack you with a
} newspaper.
}
} The information you seek is already collected. You can access it on the
} web at http://oracle.org/database/questions/index.
}
} We had to compress the file to save disk space. Ironically, the entire
} content of the compressed version reads:
}
}         How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
}         chuck wood?
}
} Seems to sum up 98% of the questions asked.


841-04    (8HLl4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh grest Oracle whose subprocesses mere moratls cannot fathom
> please tell me, it is necessary for amphibians to wait a half an hour
> after they eat before going on land?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, because generally the last thing that amphibians eat before going
} onto land for the first time is their own tail, and that normally takes
} more than half an hour to finish eating, the answer is no, but only
} from a scientific point of view.
}
} Of course, this doesn't matter at all, because their mothers still make
} them wait a good forty-five minutes, just to be sure.
}
} You owe the Oracle proof in writing that the half-hour rule is a myth.


841-05    (7uJtc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are sugar cubes nutritious?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes Timmy, sugar has a place in a well balanced diet. But for even more
} fun, you can take about 6 pounds of sugar, some pink dishwashing liquid
} and about one gallon of gasolin....
}
}         ORRIE!!!!
}
}         Yes, Lisa beloved (narf)
}
}         Orrie, what was the question.
}
}         You know that dear, it was "Are sugar cubes nutritious?"
}
}         ...and what were you just telling the young lad.
}
}         How to make Na...  Oh!  Sorry.
}
} The answer to your question is yes.
}
} You owe the Oracle some cotton candy.


841-06    (5xDzb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> []

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yup, that's not a bad way to draw a minature ASCII tie-fighter.
}
} Other options include:
}
} [-] or, [*], H, ... and one which is banking to the side  /-/
}
} You owe the Oracle an ASCII rendering of the death star which
} includes at least 5 different types of tie-fighter.


841-07    (jtBmg dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The inhabitants of the planet F*ckface

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [SCENE: Mulder and Scully sit in a coffeeshop in Flushing, Queens.
} Scully attempts to calm Mulder, who has been transformed into a dwarf
} by a cult of teenaged psychokinetic hippies during an investigation
} into alleged kidnappings of Polish immigrants by the Men In Black.]
}
} Scully: Mulder, I think you're overreacting.
}
} Mulder: Overreacting. OVERREACTING? I'm 3 feet two inches tall, Proctor
} and Gamble is involved in a plot to market clones of my family members,
} Polish people keep dissapearing, I haven't had a decent sex scene in
} two seasons and you think i'm OVERREACTING?
}
} Scully: Cool it, shorty. [She bops him with a rolled up analysis of the
} Bigfoot Autopsy film]
}
} [There is a crash as a team from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and
} Firearms swings in through the plate glass window of the coffeeshop.
} Agents surround Scully and Mulder and train their weapons on them. An
} agent hands Scully a slip of paper. The BATF boys swarm out of the
} building into a waiting humvee parked out front.]
}
} Mulder: What was that all about?
}
} Scully: [looking pensive] It's a piece of paper of a type I've never
} seen before. It has something written on it in green ichor...
}
} Mulder: What? What does it say?
}
} Scully: [reading] "The inhabitants of the planet F*ckface..," and then
} it trails off...
}
} Mulder: This may be the clue to finding my long lost sister!
}
} Scully: [patiently] Mulder, I think you're overreacting...
}
} *click*
}
} Damn summer repeats.
}
} You owe the oracle something decent to watch until the new Babylon 5
} episodes come out.


841-08    (4wPqa dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle who is so wise in the ways of love and lust.....
>
> How can I attract a mall chick with big fluffy hair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Even the great Oracle who is so wise in the ways of love and lust
} is perplexed as to why you would want a mall chick with big fluffy
} hair...but that was obviously not your question...your question was
} how to attract one.
}
} The Oracle suggests trying different techniques, each one more
} aggressive and severe than the previous.
}
} Step one, walk through the mall counting a large stack of money.
} State loudly to no one in particular that you don't know why you carry
} so much money when you have so many credit cards.  The Oracle knows
} that mall chicks like big spenders.  (It is recommended that you walk
} with a friend who can ward off muggers.)  If that fails to work...
}
} Step two, get some tattoos.  The Oracle knows that mall chicks with
} big fluffy hair like distinctive guys.  After getting tattoos, repeat
} step one.  If that fails to work...
}
} Step three, body piercing (preferably visible body piercing, if you
} know what I mean).  (This is for the same reason as step two above).
} Repeat step one with your tattooed, pierced body.   If that fails
} to work...
}
} Step four, a Dennis Rodman hair-dye job should top off your pierced,
} tattooed body.  By now, every one in the mall will watch you count your
} money and listen to your talk about your credit cards...including the
} mall chicks with fluffy hair!  However, if you still fail to attract
} a mall chick with big fluffy hair...
}
} Step five, take a photograph of yourself and mail it to Madonna,
} maybe she's missing Dennis Rodman and will decide that you are the
} next best thing.
}
} Good luck my pathetic child!


841-09    (7iCzp dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is "Mail Lady" an oxymoron?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, an oxymoron is more along the lines of a moron with an OH+
} radical attached.  Since both morons and free radicals tend to bind
} strongly to the first interesting thing that comes along, this is a
} match made in heaven.
}
} You owe the Oracle some jumbo shrimp.


841-10    (eACmd dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and mighty one, I just tried this, and look what
> I got:
>
> % ping www.nsa.gov
> no answer from www.nsa.gov
>
> I find this vaguely disturbing.  What's going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} click, click, click
} [sound of head scratching]
} click, click, click,
} click
} [more sounds of head scratching]
} click, click, click, click
} [thundering voice]
} 'Clever little rats! Hehehehehe'
} click
} click, click, click
} [thundering voice]
} 'Hmmm....'
}
} I will not bother going into many details since your time is very
} limited. As I type this answer, they are on their way. They know who
} you are, where you live, where you work the color of the socks you are
} wearing today etc etc etc.  They know you questioned their existence,
} and are out to prove to you that they exist. How do they prove it?
} By making you not exist...
}
} Hello! Hello? Hello.... Mere mortals.
}
} You owe the Oracle your earthly posessions.


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