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Internet Oracularities #842

Goto:
842, 842-01, 842-02, 842-03, 842-04, 842-05, 842-06, 842-07, 842-08, 842-09, 842-10


Internet Oracularities #842    (111 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 3 Jul 1996 08:18:58 -0500 (EST)

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842  111 votes nBCa3 apzre 6pNq5 grCp5 3fvFl 3gutx aEIe3 9kBwd 8fwxn drmop
842   3.1 mean  2.4   3.1   3.0   2.8   3.6   3.7   2.6   3.2   3.4   3.2


842-01    (nBCa3 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where do babies come from

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, another hapless supplicant with an existentialist question.
}
} Now, The Great Oracle must first decide upon a suitable
} punishment for you for Not Groveling First.
}
} How about a Nice Big Fat *ZOT*
} And ..
} Another *ZOT*
} And..
} a little eensy teensy weensy Baby **zot**
}
} You should know where THAT came from...
}
} Ok, now that introductions have been formally completed, The Great
} Oracle believes that babies and child processes in UNIX are essentially
} one and the same-they come from the same parent, and they adopt
} habits that their parents disapprove of.  They change their names,
} their addresses, and, of course, the way they dress to reflect options
} exactly the opposite of those favored by the parents.
}
} Also, like child processes in UNIX, once the kid leaves home, he will
} invariably try to move back in.  This does not always sit too well with
} the parents, who have become accustomed to walking about the house
} unclothed, leaving the TV on all night, and playing old Pink Floyd
} albums on the stereo loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear.
}
} You owe The Great Oracle your first-born child, baby clothes, and
} enough money to hire an au-pair for seventeen years.


842-02    (apzre dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, what can I do in a few minutes at home that will earn
> me a billion dollars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Be very lucky and guess Bill Gates' Swiss bank account number.


842-03    (6pNq5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Magnificent Stupendously Fabulous Fantastic Oracle,
>
> Guess what!!!  I just got my brand new mail-ordered shrunk to size
> ZOTgun (humanoid version) and I'm just DYING to try it out.  Would you
> mind sending me one of your supplicants from your "To Zot" list so I
> can test this beauty?
>
> Your must humble supplicant thanks you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, dear fellow, it is not yet possible to transfer
} supplicants via the Internet without serious damage.  It's true, it's
} no problem for me to reduce a supplicant to a string of 1's and 0's
} (in fact, it's rather enjoyable), but reconstituting them correctly
} at the other end is still a long way from solution.  (Expect to see
} this feature in uudecode 25.17, though I'd wait until at least version
} 28.25 before using it on anyone you really care about.)
}
} In the meantime, here are a few suggestions on how to find test
} subjects for your ZOTgun.
}
} 1)  Look up contributors to the recent cascades in rec.humor.oracle.d.
}
} 2)  Post to alt.sex.aol, "E-mail me for hundreds of sexy NUDE GIFs".
}     This should give you thousands of candidates to choose from.
}     (Give preference to anyone who posts their response, or whose
}     response consists entirely of "Me, too!".)
}
} 3)  Ask Dr. Kevorkian for volunteers.  Even if he has no "clients"
}     at the moment, I'm sure he'd be happy to help you test it, since,
}     as you say, you're just DYING to try it out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a waiting period.


842-04    (grCp5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       How much wood would a woodpecker peck if a woodpecker could peck
> wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all depends on the hourly wage, lost time accidents occuring during
} work time, and the job conditions.
}
} Sayyyyyy...wait a second. Why does this question seem familiar?


842-05    (3fvFl dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people keep posting usenet articles that have a list of five
> people you are supposed to send money to? Isn't that the stupidest
> idea in the world? If not, then what is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As a matter of fact, it's only the ninth stupidest, as this list shows:
}
} The Top Ten Stupidest Ideas in the World:
}
} 10) "Hello, E. F. Hutton? Listen, I want you to invest all my funds in
} 8-Track cartridge technology. I'm telling you, it's the music format of
} the future!"
}
} 9) "Say, if I ask a bunch of people to send me money, and then send
} that money to someone else, I'll be rich!"
}
} 8) "Hey guys! Let's develop a piece of software called 'Bob'!"
}
} 7) "Look at it this way, Mrs. Gifford, those kids need the work. And
} think of all the money we'll save. Everybody wins!"
}
} 6) "Maybe if I light this match, I'll be able to see where that gas
} leak is coming from."
}
} 5) "I believe the public is ready for a vacuum-cleaner-based
} haircutting product."
}
} 4) "How about we all go see that new Pauly Shore movie?"
}
} 3) "That 'Bob' sure looks like a whiz-bang piece of software. I think
} I'll buy it."
}
} 2) "Hmmm, I think I'll roll up this tobacco that's growing all over the
} place, light it on fire, and then suck on it for awhile, despite the
} fact that I'll receive no benefit whatsoever."
}
} 1) "...and I call this new piece of legislation the 'Communications
} Decency Act'."
}
} You owe the Oracle... oh, let's face it, we all really owe Letterman on
} this one.


842-06    (3gutx dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh luminous Oracle, whose doormat I am unworthy of chewing:
>
> I've noticed that whenever I eat Cheetos, I get orange crud all over my
> fingers. Can't they do something to fix that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Foolish, foolish supplicant.  The "orange crud" IS the Cheetos
} product.  What you have been eating is the styrofoam packaging it is
} shipped in.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pancake recipe that requires 2 cups of Cheetos.


842-07    (aEIe3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Really Nifty Oracle, I have just gotten a new printer, and it
> came with a paper tray that accepts over a dozen sizes of paper.
> The sizes are indicated with obscure combinations of letters and
> numbers, but the only one I have actually seen is 8 1/2 x 11. In
> fact, looking through all my office supply catalogs, the only size
> I see is 8 1/2 x 11. What are all these other sizes? Do they really
> exist? If so, who uses them, and where can I get some?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That does it. I've had it up to here with those pesky Europeans. First,
} the thermometers. Then the yardsticks. Then the liquor bottles. Then
} the socket sets. Now, they want to control our paper supply!? Well, I
} say, NO MORE! That's where I have to draw the line! I mean, you sure as
} hell can't get four sheets of A4 by cutting a piece of 17 x 22! That is
} so wasteful it isn't funny. It's time to take action against European
} meddling and refuse to buy any more of those newfangled printers! Are
} you with me?
}
} You owe the Oracle a couple of cases of recycled tractor feed 13 x 2
} 7/16 lime green origami paper.


842-08    (9kBwd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What, if any, cultural significance did the word "P-toing!" have to the
> early Sumerians?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The word P-toing (discovered by Dr. Farnsworth McNugget in 1809 on an
} ancient Sumerian artifact at the Osgood/Elvis dig) was originally
} thought to be a reference to a Sumerian diety. Little was known about
} this god, although it was widely surmised that P-toing may have been an
} incarnation of the Babylonian Ek-spektorate.
}
} A small group of warriors seem to have been a sort of Templar to this
} diety. They were known to the Sumerians as the Neenerneenerwakathoopi,
} or (roughly translated) the Knights Who Say Ni. This group vanished
} sometime during the Lesser Great Periodontal Era but reappeared shortly
} after the Masons were created. Only a small fragment of their ritual
} exists today (the bulk of the Masons of the era having donned fez and
} driving small, comical vehicles), which contains a clear reference to
} the original god:
}
}         icki icki icki icki P-toing zoop boingngngngngngngng
}
} which McNugget translates roughly as "One of these days, P-toing,
} zoop, right in the kisser."  Other authorities (such as Professor J.
} Smegma Coriolanus) scoffs at this, stating that `boingngngngngngngng'
} is clearly a genitive form; for the translation to be correct, it
} would require a nominative form.
}
} Thus does modern archaeology investigate and solve the mystery of a
} word that originally referred to flatulence.
}
} You owe the Oracle some ancient Egyptian Bean-O(tm).


842-09    (8fwxn dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@cs.mcgill.ca

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wait, wait, I'm a bit confused here. Am I the Oracle and
> you the supplicant, or are you the Oracle and I the
> supplicant, or... I'm so confused!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm the Oracle, you idiot! Everyone can see that! Look, I'll prove it
} to you. Zadoc! Hoi, ZADOC!!!
}
} [Enter Zadoc the Priest, shuffling on his knees as custom demands]
}
} ZADOC: You howled, O Cyberstentorian One?
}
} ORACLE: Study this supplicant closely.
}
} [Zadoc the Priest peruses the supplicant all over with a great show of
} interest]
}
} ORACLE: Now study me closely.
}
} [This time the examination is necessarily less thorough, as due
} deference requires Zadoc to keep his eyes averted at all times]
}
} ORACLE: Seen enough?
}
} ZADOC: One could never see enough of your majestic visage, Master.
}
} ORACLE: Slimy little flatterer. Now tell me, Zadoc -- which one of us
}   two is the Oracle?
}
} ZADOC [nervously]: Erm... is this a trick question, Master?
}
} ORACLE: No stalling! Just answer, dammit!
}
} [Zadoc the Priest realises his Master is setting him some enigmatic
} kind of test, and failure to provide a suitably profound response may
} damage his chances of advancement within the priesthood. Beads of sweat
} appear on his forehead. He has no option but to play for time, hoping
} against hope that the Oracle's true meaning will reveal itself to him]
}
} ZADOC: Er, um... could I ask you both some questions, Master, to fully
}   establish your identity?
}
} ORACLE [burying his face in his hands]: Ohh god... I should have known
}   this was a mistake...
}
} ZADOC [to supplicant]: What is your girlfriend's name?
}
} SUPPLICANT: Um... oh, I know! It's whats-her-name. Lisa, that's it.
}
} ZADOC [to Oracle]: What is your girlfriend's name, Master?
}
} ORACLE: Emma bloody Thompson! Who do you think, you moron!
}
} ZADOC: Well, you really *sound* like my Master, Master, but this other
}   Master here gave the correct answer.
}
} SUPPLICANT: Hey! You mean I really am the Oracle?
}
} ZADOC: It's often hard to tell. The Mysteriously Moving One can be
}   incarnated in the most unlikely guises. I think further questioning
}   is required. Um, let's see now... How much wood would a woodchuck
}   chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
}
} SUPPLICANT: Gee, I don't know...
}
} ORACLE: You blasphemous snotmonkey!!!
}
}                            >> ZOT <<
}
} SUPPLICANT: Hey, that's right! I can't do that. So *you* must be the
}   Oracle, and *I'm* the supplicant! It's all clear to me now!
}
} SMOKING REMAINS OF ZADOC ON THE FLOOR: D-does that mean I pass the
} test?


842-10    (drmop dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Wonderous Oracle please answer this question?
>
> Will Joe Montana come back to football as a player?  If not, why not?
>
> ___________________________________________________________________
>
> I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors,
> But I think that God has a sick sense of humor,
> And when I die I expect to find him laughing....
>
> Depeche Mode from the Song "Blasphemous Rumors"
> ___________________________________________________________________
> ___________________________________________________________________
>
> http://www.somehost.com/usr/m.prozac.htm  "I came. I saw, I took a
> prozac"
>
> Why Sophia Petrillo?  When I am old I shall wear purple! And be just
> like Sophia from the Golden Girls!  "Picture this....I love you
> pussycat".
> ___________________________________________________________________

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey! I recognise that sig! It was tacked onto the back of a really
} crappy answer I got to one of *my* questions last week.
}
} Boy, oh boy, oh boy! There really must be an Oracle guiding our
} destinies that he allows a twist of fate like this. The incarnation's
} revenge! Now you're really gonna know what unfunny is, sonny!
}
} Lessee now...
}
} Q: Who was that lady I saw Joe Montana with last night?
} A: That was no lady, that was his manager.
}
} Nah, there's a certain metahumor in that (very popular with the
} priests, metahumor is. Heaven forfend, the last thing we want is this
} getting in the digests). I know, let's forget about Joe Montana
} altogether (I've never heard of him anyway, being the foreign gent I
} am). Depeche Mode is French, and you mention cats, so here's a
} bilingual cat joke so bad not even Zadoc could be amused:
}
} There's these two cats, see, one English and one French. The English
} cat's called One-Two-Three, and the French cat's called Un-Deux-Troi.
} Well, these two cats decide to have a race, see, and the first one to
} swim across the English Channel's the winner. So which one won? Hah!
} Don't know, do you? The English cat, of course! Because Un-Deux-Troi
} cat sank!
}
} HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahaha...
}
} No, that's no good - it made me laugh, and I have an extremely
} sophisticated sense of humor. Hmm... there's *got* to be something I
} can do that's appallingly bad. Apart from picking my nose and flicking
} the boogers at the monitor, I mean (I do that all the time anyway).
} Lemme think...
}
} (Did you know Sophia Petrillo is an anagram of Hip Allotropies? Just
} a thought...)
}
} I got it, I got it! No relevance to anything whatever, that's the
} ticket! I once told this joke to my Dad and he laughed, which proves
} it's beyond redemption because his sense of humor is worse than
} primitive, it's... well, indescribable, really (the sort of jokes he
} tells are like: "Whar's Paw, Maw?" "In the barn." "Whasse doin'?"
} "Hangin' hisself." "Dincher cut him down?" "Nah, he wurn't dead yet."
} Enough to make you feel suicidal yourself, isn't it?) Yep, this'll
} definitely do it:
}
} Q: What should you do if you see a spaceman?
} A: Park in it, man!
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as yourself) an invisible sig.


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