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Internet Oracularities #843

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843, 843-01, 843-02, 843-03, 843-04, 843-05, 843-06, 843-07, 843-08, 843-09, 843-10


Internet Oracularities #843    (111 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 5 Jul 1996 16:33:47 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   843
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

843  111 votes bwtB2 7qqyi duLc9 equtc fpClc xzpa8 5hzBh bAxkb dnCne atpvg
843   3.0 mean  2.9   3.3   2.8   3.0   2.9   2.3   3.4   2.9   3.0   3.1


843-01    (bwtB2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I find a bank that will accept a spell check?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Any of the following banks would appear to be prime candidates:
}
}  Banque de Qeubec
}  US Truss
}  Bank of Amerika
}  Credit Susse
}  Bacno Itailano
}  Deutscche Kommerzzbank
}  Bank of Englan
}  Chemical New ork
}  your own pigy bank
}
} You owe the Oracle a money check.


843-02    (7qqyi dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh very powerful and slightly weird Oracle, something strange happened
> to me recently.
>
> I apparently annoyed one of your Incarnations, and she sent me the
> following impressive display of pyrotechnics:
>
> }
> }     ZZZZZZZZZZ              OOOO           TTTTTTTTTT
> }                   Z                O          O                   T
> }               Z                   O            O                  T
> }           Z                       O            O                  T
> }       Z                             O         O                   T
> }     ZZZZZZZZZZ              OOOO                     T
> }
>
> Although there are some superficial structural similarities, this
> does not actually appear to be an authentic ZOT.  What manner of
> special effect does it designate?  How does it compare with a ZOT
> in potency?  And how would you pronounce it?
>
> Please do not send me an authentic ZOT for comparison.  I've
> received several already, and have no wish to repeat the experience.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is a Microsoft ZOF(tm).  As you noticed, it has remarkable
} similarity to an Oracular <ZOT!>(tm), but when you get right down to
} it, it's nothing but a cheap, ineffective copy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a successful lawsuit against Microsoft.


843-03    (duLc9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whatever became of the infamous New Zealand brothers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To make this easier, I'll just break it up brother by brother:
}
} John - the first to leave, due to the pressures of touring. Became a
} monk. Died while meditating; this was believed to have happened
} sometime in March of 1992, but nobody's really sure, since all those
} who saw him just thought he was still meditating.
}
} Michael - now lives with wife in Springfield with two daughters, a son,
} a cat and a dog. Works at local nuclear power plant.
}
} Aaron - died of drug overdose in his bathroom at home in Nashville;
} fans all over North America claim he is not really dead, and have
} reported sightings of him at ice cream parlors and convienience stores;
} religion has formed around these sightings.
}
} Bob - assassinated by mentally disturbed fan while coming out of a
} hotel with his wife.
}
} John (the other one) - disappeared on drinking binge with friends;
} claim he was abducted by a UFO.
}
} Gary - shortly after the breakup, he sailed out to prove that the world
} is really flat and was never heard from again. The Flat Earth Society
} has erected a monument to him in Davis, California.
}
} Rex - became international drug lord. Whereabouts are unknown.
}
} Darol - worked as an engineer with Pacific Bell; quit a few years ago
} to draw a cartoon based on his experience with corporate America as a
} lowly cubicle worker.
}
} Zachary - supposedly commited suicide recently. However, "suicide note"
} only mentioned suicide in a different pen color then the rest of the
} note; extremely eccentric wife suspected.
}
} Bobby - became Internet phreak. Repeatedly sent woodchuck questions to
} Internet Oracle; was **ZOT**ted out of existence.
}
} There you have it. There is rumor of a reunion, but hopes are not
} exceptionally high.


843-04    (equtc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ok, you said if I resigned from the Senate, you would tell
> me who to choose for Vice-President. So who is it?
>
>                                       -Bob

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dennis Rodman.
}
} Best to take him now while he's still undecided about his own future in
} basketball.
}
} Trust me.  Perfect combo.  And you get a popular African American to
} show just how racially tolerant you are.
}
} You owe me nothing... this one's on me, Bob.


843-05    (fpClc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most myserious and higly addictive Oracle
> who knows 'bout prime time too...
>
> Will agent Mulder ever get in Dana Sully's bed in X-files
> or would that be paranormal activity for FBI?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't hold your breath. It's X-Files, not XXX-Files.


843-06    (xzpa8 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No message body; hope that's ok.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle replies:
}
}       "             !              ,              ,         and
}          . "


843-07    (5hzBh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Tell me !!  Almighty Oracle !!
>
>      What is the meaning of life ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to Life V7.0 product support. Please hold.
}
} (Elevator music version of "Inna-gadda-da-vida" plays for several
} minutes.)
}
} Press 1 for a bug report on version 7.0 of Life. Please listen
}         to this if you have not previously done so.
} Press 2 for information on Life 8.0 beta.
} Press 3 for frequently asked questions about Life.
} Press 4 for information about the availability of Life on
}         other planets.
}
} (Supplicant presses 1 for a bug report, since it sounds
} important.)
}
} The following bugs have been reported in version 7.0 of Life:
}
} -Puberty (This includes acne, awkwardness, voice changes, etc.)
} -Various incompatibilities between sexes
} -Man's inhumanity to man
} -Gall bladders
} -Death
}
} (Supplicant gets bored and presses 3 for the frequently
} asked questions, in an attempt to find the meaning of life.)
}
} Please enter your product registration number.
}
} (Supplicant realizes he does not have one and instead
} enters random digits.)
}
} You did not enter a valid registration number. This number
} is obtained by all people who own Life 7.0.
} I'm sorry, but only people who have a life may ask questions.
}
} (Dial tone.)


843-08    (bAxkb dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most fantastic,
>  Can you recite for me the verse entitled "The Supplicant and the
>  Incarnation"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, of course I know the entirety of that great verse "The
} Supplicant and the Incarnation" being omniscient and all, however, if I
} may say so it is a rather boring piece, consisting rather heavily of
} insistent groveling on one side and numerous zots on the other. So!
} What I am going to do for you today is demonstrate my new wonderful
} Versification Machine (tm) which merely requests that you input the
} various subjects and verse form and shall return in moments a wonderful
} work of art heavy in symbolism and all other good things like that.
} Without further ado...the Machine!!!
}
} Editor's Note: It should be noted at this point that a large machine
} has been rolled in by numerous small greasy white things, presumably
} supplicants that have asked the woodchuck question. Occasionally one of
} them is caught going too slow and is crushed beneath the machine's
} great wheels..no great loss. The machine itself is covered with many
} blinking lights and a small slot at the very bottom. The crew of the
} old Star Trek would feel right at home with this machine.
}
}       Ok Machine, let's get to work. I'm feeling saucy today, so I
} would like a verse with both a Supplicant and an Incarnation, done
} in..hmm..limerick form please.
}
}       (The machine groans and growls, shudders, and the lights blink at
} an insane rate, finally a small piece of white paper springs out of the
} slot at the bottom.)
}
}       Ok, let's see what we have here..
}
}       There once was a lady from Tunsch
}       Who had her family for lunch
}       She munched Dad's ribs
}       BBQ sauce for the kids
}       and washed it all down with Mom Punch
}
}       What?!? No! No! No! Not "Sustenance and the Relations"! Perhaps
} the limerick form is too difficult. Let's try this again, eh? Machine!!
} I would like a verse with both a Supplicant and an Incarnation done in
} a wonderful song form. Now!
}
}       (Once again the machine shakes and shudders, lights blinking in a
} fair imitation of any techno club. If you look closely you can almost
} see oil running down its brow. Finally a small piece of white paper
} springs out from the bottom. The Almighty Oracle grabs the piece of
} paper, looks over it, falls apart in a fit of red-faced rage.)
}
}        In A White Supplicant (And a Pink Incarnation)?!?!?! That's it.
} Worm #2, go get the copy of..(dramatic pause)..Windows 95. We'll show
} this machine the meaning of pathos the hard way.
}
}       (The machine falls apart in a fit of depression, crushing many
} small white things.)
}
}       You owe the Oracle a book of poetry and an apology to Stanislaw
} Lem


843-09    (dnCne dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There's always a question for a theoretical Oracle, at least in theory.
> Possibilities are many.
>
> How can I explain my dog the quantum theory of *takyons* ?  Neutrinos
> it fairly understands, the little particles with no mass nor electrical
> chaege. But takyons, how can anything have imaginary mass and speed
> always greater than light speed?  It's said that light speed is the
> top speed only in our short distances and gravitation-curved universe.
> What are you, takyon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All subatomic particles were originally created for Star Trek.
} Let me explain.
}
} Photon torpedoes are a completely false creation.
} Positronic networks are only of the imagination.
}
} Antimatter containment fields will never really exist.
} Believing in subspace is something one must resist.
}
} Takyon pulses are one hundred per cent faked.
} Distortions in the space-time continuum are half-baked.
}
} And please have no faith in the ship's warp core.
} Star Trek is what these were all created for.
}
} The speed of light stretches above like a tower.
} I'm afraid we will always be stuck with impulse power.


843-10    (atpvg dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We find our hero, The Internet Oracle, in the bedroom with a beautiful
> young blonde.  They both have very large smiles.
>
> "Orrie darling, this has been the best time I've had in my life,
> and well, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry."
>
> "Sorry for what?"
>
> "This!"  Faster than it takes to blink, she grabs the Oracle's Staff
> Of Zot and moves out of reach.  The door bursts open and three large
> thugs seize the Oracle.  The Oracle, without his Staff Of Zot, is
> quickly overpowered.
>
> "Well, Mr. Oracle, I have you at last."  Now standing in the doorway
> is an elderly gentleman with an eye patch over his left eye.
> He carries with him a woodchuck, which he strokes constantly as
> he talks.  He grins evilly and continues, "Since you are immortal,
> I know I cannot kill you, but I think that encasing you in concrete
> and throwing you into the ocean for the rest of time will give you
> something interesting to think about."  He motions to the thugs,
> "Take him away!"
>
> The thugs drag the Oracle out the door.
>
> [Is this the end of our heroic Oracle?  Will he be able to escape
> from this watery fate? Stay tuned for the answers to these questions
> after this quick break.]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Burton Laxitives -- for a revitalizing empty feel , Brought to you
} by the people who gave you Draino
}
} Now back to our normal programing.........
}
} The Oracle standing there asseses the situation and is quick to
} realise that he controls all of time.  He therefore manipulates time
} to 5 minutes before the event.
}
}  We find our hero, The Internet Oracle, in the bedroom with a beautiful
}  young blonde.  They both have very large smiles.
}
} "Orrie darling, this has been the best time I've had in
}  my life, and well, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry."
}
} "Thats ok "
}
}  Faster than it takes to blink, she grabs the Oracle's Staff Of Zot
}  and moves out of reach.  The door bursts open and three large thugs
}  seize the Oracle.  The Oracle, without his Staff Of Zot, is quickly
}  overpowered.
}
} "Please dont hurt me , please, please, please, please"
}
} "You deserve to die, Orrie."
}
}  An elderly gentleman with an eye patch over his left eye.  He carries
}  with him a woodchuck, which he strokes constantly as he talks.
}  He grins evilly and continues, "Since you are immortal, I know I
}  cannot kill you, but I think that encasing you in concrete and
}  throwing you into the ocean for the rest of time will give you
}  something interesting to think about."  He motions to the thugs,
}  "Take him away!"
}
} "Wait, I think you underestimate my situation"
}
} "No I think you overestimate yours,  I have the staff that means
}  no *ZOT*"
}
} "Well, you see I sort of had a feeling this was going to happen and
}  took the necessary precuations and replaced the staf with a fake one"
}
}  Then in a blast of light there is a big....
}
} ####   ####  #####
}   #   #    #   #
}  #    #    #   #
} ####   ####    #
}
} And all of the Woodchuck followers where gone, The Woodchuck scampers
} off into the distance.
}
} You owe the oracle a rock and a hard place!!!!!!


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