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22 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:44:08 GMT

Internet Oracularities #844

Goto:
844, 844-01, 844-02, 844-03, 844-04, 844-05, 844-06, 844-07, 844-08, 844-09, 844-10


Internet Oracularities #844    (111 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 9 Jul 1996 08:04:45 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   844
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

844  111 votes 8vHn6 6mFse 4uQj6 dxxq6 jLph3 bvwqb 5iBxi cACk5 cxHi5 bnIp8
844   2.9 mean  2.9   3.2   2.9   2.8   2.4   3.0   3.4   2.7   2.7   3.0


844-01    (8vHn6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@teleport.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> -- [ From: New User * EMC.Ver #2.3 ] --
>
> How can I become more popular?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ways to Become more POPULAR
}
} 1. Internet "Put witty sayings between your first and last names so you
} can be popular just like Dave DeLaney" Oracle.
}
} 2. Moderate rec.arts.erotica so you can be like popular Tim Pierce.
}
} 3. Visit http://www.nsa.org and ask them to make a link to your page.
}
} 4. Arrange to have a wealthy relative die and leave you with lots of
} money and/or possessions.
}
} 5. Have intimate encounters with women named after flora.
}
} 6. Have your wife have intimate encounters with women named after
} flora.
}
} 7. Arrange to be acquitted of the mysterious murder of your wife.
}
} 8. Write a crappy operating system and sell it to the massess for
} millions.
}
} 9. Be seven feet tall and really good at basketball. (Note: it helps
} if you can arrange to have a tennis shoe named after you)
}
} 10. Develop a fondness for lemurs.
}
} 11. Write a story where major heads of state develop mysterious
} rashes and die horribly painful deaths. Dedicate and send a copy to
} the president.
}
} 12. Have the same first name as a Peanuts character. Write an
} operating system.
}
} 13. Raise your hand and remind the teacher that they forgot to assign
} homework.
}
} 14. Be omniscient.
}
} 15. Obey the law. Do the speed limit in the fast lane.
}
} 16. Name your cold sores after ex-girlfriends.
}
} 17. Be able to do cool tricks with your tongue.
}
} 18. Let everyone on Usenet know how they can make money fast.
}
} 19. for ($x=0; $x<30000; $x++){
}       open (INODE_EATER, ">$x");
}       close INODE_EATER;
}       }
}
} 20. "Thanks for showing my class how to use the UNIX machines. We
} cleaned up the lab when we were done. We even turned off all of the
} machines for you!"
}
} Blargh. You owe the Oracle a set of users that don't suck and tomato
} juice that doesn't contain methanol.


844-02    (6mFse dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most awesome and pretty darn terrific Oracle, and then some, why
> aren't cousins allowed to marry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the offspring are invariably AOL users....
}
} You owe the Oracle a 'Happy Birthday Uncle Dad!' card.


844-03    (4uQj6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What web page gets visited the least?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.. a difficult question.. The answer is, of course, a tie between
} several contenders:
}
} Shroedinger Fan Club: Maybe it exists, maybe it doesn't.
}
} Cthulhu's Personal Web Page: Rumors of people being devoured alive by
}       green tentacles when they try to view the images.
}
} Larry S. Dimchuck's Personal Web Page: Sorry Larry, everyone _does_
}       hate you.
}
} Alaskan Cheese Board Web Page: Seal cheese is a definate experience.
}
} Microsoft Super-Secret Page: Contains a PD copy of Win95 for free
}       download. It actually works, and fits on one disk.
}
} Archives for Alt.Sex.Fetish.Turtle: Terrapins need love too, y'know...
}
} Taken together, these pages have an average of negative two users per
} day.
}
} There is also the one instance whereby two files were accidentally
} switched, so that the content of the page is a short web address, while
} the address itself is a rather naughty tale involving three nuns, a
} farming family, and a sheep with three legs.
}
} 'Nuff said..
}
} You owe the Oracle twenty pushups. Just because.


844-04    (dxxq6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ormmphi, hmh dho ai gmht pinemht bmmtpher oumfpht oph
> mhphy mphmhfoumf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, if you're investing so much money in a Universal Translator, you
} might as wgll take the trnksfdvle to read the instructagators and
} instbrph it properly! Turn tsadf page 42 in the boochlet aghnd read
} the scrgshn "WARFNG": `Be short at altimes to have languatalkscrbage
} wrenvier gaurdge pnoint ta triget languatalkscrbage exprecisctly. Thit
} appluginance must brie Marsed.'
}
} You wow Ormmphi frnwsh brttrcellies fofr Is translanguificsantor.


844-05    (jLph3 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
> What happens if I put something nonrecyclable in the blue recycling
> trash can at my desk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The world would end, since Anti-recyclibles dont's react well with
} Recyclibles. It's kinda like th Anti-matter-Matter reaction.


844-06    (bvwqb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I improve my chances of winning at "one potato, two potato"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whilst keeping the forth and fifth digits held close to the palm,
} extend the thumb, and the second and third digits.  Bring the tips of
} aforemention fingers together.
}
} Shout "The Flamethrower!" and you will surely win.
}
} (But really Mr Clinton there must be a better way to make policy
} decisions?)


844-07    (5iBxi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What doe sit mean when a lovely girl invites you for a walk in the
> woods?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She probably doesn't want any witnesses.
}
} You owe the Oracle a portion of your estate..


844-08    (cACk5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who is a real know-it-all,
> what is John Wayne Bobbitt up to these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm..."know-it-all" is a rather unique grovel...uhm, thanks!
}
} Our beloved Mr. Bobbitt has been quite the mover and shaker since his
} last brush with celebrityhood.  He quickly parleyed his overnight
} sucess into a string of Grill Your Own hot dog stands in the northeast,
} which he recently had to cut loose to pay off attorney's fees.  He's
} now working on an autobiography, aptly titled "A Parting of the Ways" -
} really good stuff on existentialism, finding ones' Place of Power
} within yourself, etc.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of A Parting of the Ways, with
} the good parts cut out.


844-09    (cxHi5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the secret of successful weight loss?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Major surgery.  In times past, this was accomplished by several
} very effective means, including the sword and the headsman's axe.
} The weight lost by these means was gone in a very short time, and
} very rarely came back, which is more than you can say for the current
} fad diets.  There were certain undesirable side effects, however,
} and these methods have lost favor in most parts of the world today.
}
} Modern surgeons prefer to use a scalpel, and work with the patient
} under general anesthesia.  Of course, there's a trade off with
} everything; they charge much higher fees than the typical headsman.
}
} You owe the Oracle a textbook on do-it-yourself liposuction.


844-10    (bnIp8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (Otis and/or Jane)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, who knows all the secrets of the great
> French chefs, what is the difference between bearnaise, hollandaise,
> and mayonnaise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are all basically the same sauce, but are named for the local
} regions in which they were popularized; Bern, Holland, and the Mayo
} Clinic.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Ham and cheese sandwich with mustard.


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