} Well, I would, but the fact is, it is true. You have heartburn..
} When I had stomach pain, I was afraid to go to the doctor because I
} thought it might involve surgery - I thought it was ulcers. My wife
} convinced me to, though - "You're not getting any younger," she said,
} so I went.
} My doctor said Mylanta.
} WHY DID I TRUST HIM? Perhaps its because he looked just like the
} doctors on TV. Maybe I'll never know...
} I went home, and tried the stuff. At first it was just
} two tablespoons every evening, after my evening meal, but soon, I
} was having after breakfast, and then lunch. Before I knew it, I was
} hooked. I couldn't stop myself - I had to keep drinking it. It gave
} me terrible indigestion, yet the only way to calm my bowels was with
} more of the stuff. I was up to 3 litres a day, then four - I spent all
} my time at the drug store or on the toilet, sipping Mylanta, and
} reading cheap novels. Soon, my trips became longer. I kept running out
} of reading material in the middle of a toilet trip and having to sit
} there for hours, with nothing to do. I had to graduate to the hard
} stuff: James Joyce, Charles Dickens, and the Encylopedia Britannica (I
} remember finishing letters K through O and Tolstoy's War and Peace in
} one glorious four-day bender). I slept in fitful dozes, dreaming
} nightmarish visions of giant pale blue-green bottles, and vast lakes
} minty green. All I was eating was Mylanta. My wife had left me - I
} didn't even notice until I realized that my favourite spoon was gone.
} When they came for me, I was lying on the bathroom floor in a
} retching spasm coughing the stuff I drank the night before. When I
} realized they were going to take me away, I became enraged, maniacal.
} It took six paramedics to put the strait jacket on me, AFTER they had
} sedated me.
} Things are different now. I had to have a triple colon bypass, and
} half the lining of my stomach removed. The colostomy bag still comes
} unplugged every once in a while, but usually isn't too much of a mess,
} (except, of course the time when my dog ran away with it). I have begun
} looking forward to my weekly colonic, and have met so many wonderful
} people, like Jimmy 'Slippy Hands', my rectal probe operator and all the
} people at the colostomic support group, and Mylantaholics Anonymous.
} Still I have my health, and that's what counts doesn't it?
} You owe the oracle two tablespoons to be taken at bedtime. If
} symptoms persist for more than two weeks, consult a medical