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Internet Oracularities #845

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Internet Oracularities #845    (110 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 12 Jul 1996 15:29:31 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   845
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

845  110 votes hpvu7 2eDwn 9qrtj amDta bnGoa 7hPob 7swud 8uOl1 7rxud 5dJC9
845   3.1 mean  2.9   3.5   3.2   3.1   3.0   3.1   3.1   2.8   3.1   3.3


845-01    (hpvu7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh Great Oracle whose girlfriend outshines the legendary Helen of
> Troy, please answer my humble petition.
>
>       If I continue to send you messages on company time how soon
> before I am fired, and will I care?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Didn't you read the piece of paper that was enclosed with your final
} paycheck last week?


845-02    (2eDwn dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, bigger than a road digger, more serene than a washing
> machine, who knows more than a carpet store and gets things wrong less
> often than people who leave their ice-cream out in the sun and wait for
> it to soften,
> please tell me:
>
> Why do I never seem to have a matching pair of socks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quantum mechanics. To elucidate:
}
} Socks are created in sock-antisock pairs.  These are separated at high
} energies in the factories and forced into packages with little
} cardboard damper devices.
} Each package will contain either two socks or two antisocks.  The
} cardboard dampers prevent them from escaping during transit, but once
} they make it to your sock drawer they repel each other with
} considerable force. It is extremely difficult to get them back together
} and usually they settle for alignment with a sock or antisock of a
} different "spin", which is why you usually end up with a pair that are
} similar but different in some single distinct way.
} It is fairly frequent of course for a sock and antisock to come into
} contact, annihilating one another.  This is why you never have as many
} socks as you thought you had.
}
} Incidentally, in the presence of water (for example, in a washing
} machine), the particles released during the sock-antisock reaction are
} trapped long enough to undergo secondary decay, which usually results
} in a pink, lacey-edged cotton handkerchief exactly one size too small
} to be useful.
}
} You owe the Oracle some clean underwear, at energies in excess of 8.3
} Gigaelectronvolts.


845-03    (9qrtj dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh no!  Tell me it's not true!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I would,  but the fact is, it is true. You have heartburn..
}
} When I had stomach pain, I was afraid to go to the doctor because I
} thought it might involve surgery - I thought it was ulcers. My wife
} convinced me to, though - "You're not getting any younger," she said,
} so I went.
}
} My doctor said Mylanta.
}
} WHY DID I TRUST HIM? Perhaps its because he looked just like the
} doctors on TV. Maybe I'll never know...
}
}    I went home, and tried the stuff. At first it was just
} two tablespoons every evening, after my evening meal, but soon, I
} was having after breakfast, and then lunch. Before I knew it, I was
} hooked. I couldn't stop myself - I had to keep drinking it. It gave
} me terrible indigestion, yet the only way to calm my bowels was with
} more of the stuff. I was up to 3 litres a day, then four - I spent all
} my time at the drug store or on the toilet, sipping Mylanta, and
} reading cheap novels. Soon, my trips became longer. I kept running out
} of reading material in the middle of a toilet trip and having to sit
} there for hours, with nothing to do. I had to graduate to the hard
} stuff: James Joyce, Charles Dickens, and the Encylopedia Britannica (I
} remember finishing letters K through O and Tolstoy's War and Peace in
} one glorious four-day bender). I slept in fitful dozes, dreaming
} nightmarish visions of giant pale blue-green bottles, and vast lakes
} minty green.  All I was eating was Mylanta. My wife had left me - I
} didn't even notice until I realized that my favourite spoon was gone.
}
} When they came for me, I was lying on the bathroom floor in a
} retching spasm coughing the stuff I drank the night before. When I
} realized they were going to take me away, I became enraged, maniacal.
} It took six paramedics to put the strait jacket on me, AFTER they had
} sedated me.
}
} Things are different now. I had to have a triple colon bypass, and
} half the lining of my stomach removed. The colostomy bag still comes
} unplugged every once in a while, but usually isn't too much of a mess,
} (except, of course the time when my dog ran away with it). I have begun
} looking forward to my weekly colonic, and have met so many wonderful
} people, like Jimmy 'Slippy Hands', my rectal probe operator and all the
} people at the colostomic support group, and Mylantaholics Anonymous.
}
} Still I have my health, and that's what counts doesn't it?
}
} You owe the oracle two tablespoons to be taken at bedtime. If
} symptoms persist for more than two weeks, consult a medical
} professional.


845-04    (amDta dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and powerful Oracle, who didn't buy Snapple when Howard Stern
> was promoting it, please answer my humble question:
>
> What is the deal with all of the radio station in New York City?  As
> you well know, all of the major stations have undergone drastic format
> changes in the past year:  first KROCK went from classic rock to
> alternative/grunge (eek!), then WNEW went from classic rock to new
> rock/grunge (argh!), and Z100 went from dance/pop to
> pop/mainstream(grunge) (oh well).  Now I find out this past weekend
> that my favorite station, Q104.3, went from hard rock to classic rock
> (why!!!?).  It used to be, "New York's pure rock, Q104.3", now it's
> "104.3, the new classic"  What is going on here?  Don't they realize we
> get upset when they change a station that has been a certain way for,
> like, 15 years?  Please help me undestand this phenomenon.  I am very
> disoriented.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is quite simple:  New York is undergoing a Great Vowel
} Shift.
}
} What is happening in your puny mortal radio stations today is exactly
} what happened numerous times in Europe during the middle ages, except
} with a more accelerated pace due to the effects of mass media.  The
} vowels (and perhaps consonants as well) are being shifted toward the
} red part of the spectrum, causing lyrics to have a more grungy sound.
}
} Take for example, the following phrase:
}
} "We're not gonna take it, no, we ain't gonna take it, we're not gonna
}  take it, anymore."
}
} Feeding this into a simulation that slowly shifts e->a, i->e, and u->o
} yields a more modern phrase, in this case from Pearl Jam:
}
} "WEEEEEEEEEELLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAH,hammalammajammabammasdlsCAJrrsdfCONCRETE."
}
} By an even stranger coincidence, "Smells like Teen Spirit" is merely a
} vowel shifted version of the Wonder Stuff's "Size of a COW."  This
} theory also demonstrates why lip-synching made-to-order
} teenybopper-with-ZITS bands like NKOTB or Milli Vanilli will eventually
} be exposed as frauds, since after enough shifting the lyrics won't
} match their lip movements.
}
} It is left as an exercise to the reader to show that, in 20 years, all
} songs by Michael Bolton will suck even more.
}
} You owe the Oracle the entire State of New York.


845-05    (bnGoa dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose supreme power reigns over the universe,
> please tell me:
>
> Was that Lisa who streaked across the lawns of Wimbledon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nope my disciple, unluckily for you, it was not my Lisa.
} In any case you will be happy to know that the girl at
} Wimbledon was much and much better than my Lisa, first of
} vcds ouch... ops, *hi Lisa* ,gfdnwe d 72  j
}
} x
} ff
}
} *help*b hghg[[[[
}
} gs
} h hf3w ]30x
}
} yoi u owev the ORCLE THe pho newq num hbwrer of  thwe girlsa
} in zx Wimsv bledon!!!


845-06    (7hPob dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello oracle,
>
> I'm twelve and still a virgin.  Now I'm getting desperate.
> What shall I *do*?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't fret; Plenty of people have gone through puberty without
} losing their virginity, and they've turned out to be decently
} well-balanced folks.
}
} However, if you go beyond 20 without getting laid, the stress
} will start to do things to your mind. Dan Quayle held out until
} age 29, and _he_ can barely spell "virgin" now.
}
} Here are a couple of tips to remember when you're considering
} "taking the plunge without taking the _plunge_:"
}
} 1. Act cool, be cool.
}
}       Nothing says turnoff like being able to irrigate several
}      Texas farms with sweat wrung out of your Spiderman teeshirt.
}      A quick blast of liquid nitrogen under each armpit should do
}      the trick.
}
} 2. Vigor is the better part of valor.
}
}       By sheer chance, there is a law of physics which states
}     two bodies cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Your
}     first time out, you will most likely try to accomplish just
}     that, leading to either a horribly damaging childhood
}     experience you'll describe to a therapist when you're age
}     50, or a severe leg cramp the next morning.
}
} 3. Know what to say the next day.
}
}       Part of the adolescent sexual experience is learning
}    how to handle the infamous "morning after." In the interest
}    of providing an educational experience, I won't tell you
}    what works well, but I will tell you what _doesn't_: cab
}    fare on the nightstand.
}
} 4. Madonna is off-limits.
}
}       Self-explanatory, I think.
}
} 5. Pay attention to your partner.
}
}       You don't have to completely swamp them in affection, but,
}    still, make sure the other person feels needed. It's awfully
}    disquieting during sex to hear your partner muttering, "Beige!
}    We'll paint the ceiling beige!"
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of that Dennis Rodman/Madonna
} thing.


845-07    (7swud dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I make a lot of money putting cacti into dish gardens and selling
> them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       If you advertise on AOL, you can.  Observe:
}
} (Scene: The hallowed halls of AOL tech support, 2:47 am)
}
} AOL Tech Supprt: How can I help you?
} AOL User: YEAH I THINK YOUR STUFF ISNT WORKING
} Tech: In what way?
} User: I BOUGHT SOME CATCI DISHES FROM YOU GUYS AND ONE OF THEM BROKE
} Tech: (pause) . . . Yes?
} User: THEY SAID THE DISHES NEVER BREAK AND ONE OF THEM BROKE
} Tech: Well, why don't you talk to the company?
} User: THEY SAY THEIR STUFF NEVER BREAKS!!! SO ITS GOTTA BE YOUR
} SOFTWARE Tech: (another pause) I see.
} User: I WANT NEW AOL THAT WONT BREAK MY DISHES
} Tech: What exactly happened?
} User: I WAS GETTING PICTURES FROM PEOPLE AND I KNOCKED ONE OVER WHILE
} IT WAS SENDING NOW THERES CACTUS CRAP ALL OVER MY FLOOR AND I POKED
} MYSELF IN THE HANDS AND FEET A LOT
} Tech: Are you sure this isn't a question for their company?
} User: I       WASNT BORN YESTERDAY YOU MORON JUST TELL ME WHERE I NEED
} TO GET NEW AOL STUFF SO MY DISHES DONT BREAK!!! I NEED THE WHOLE DINNER
} SET OF 12 Tech: (after a LONG pause) Alright.  Look, I'm not supposed
} to tell you this, but there IS a bug in the Macintosh AOL v2.7 that
} breaks dishes. First call the dish place and tell them that you'll pay
} for a new set, and that we'll cover it, since it's our fault.  You'll
} be reimbursed with login time.  Then, write a check for $49.95 to AOL,
} asking for the Macintosh v2.8 No-Dish-Breaking software.  It's very
} hard to make, so it costs a little.  Ok?
} User: THATS EXPENSIVE BUT OK THANKS
}
}       Then you and your Tech Support compadre split the money the
} gentleman sends you, and ZOT him one for not grovelling to me.  The
} financial ZOT of spending way too much money on meaningless
} applications won't faze him, since he already uses AOL.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Macintosh v2.8 No-Dish-Breaking debugger.


845-08    (8uOl1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> QUICK!! Which way did they go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ok..they left in a eastbound train at 5:30 a.m. The train is
} going 73.2 miles per hour. The train itself is on the Earth, which is
} rotating at a healthy clip. The Earth is usually rotating around
} the Sun at speeds fast enough to send you hurtling into space, if it
} wasn't for that great centripetal force. (Clever, aren't I?)
} Hmmm, this is looking difficult. Do I get any scratch paper? The Sun
} is zipping around along with all those other damn stars in the Milky
} Way. The Milky Way is taking the long path to Grandma's.
} Huh? Oh, sorry...I was just told by the priest that the
} point is moot anyway. They were all killed when the train derailed
} because some punk put a penny on the track. And don't even THINK of
} asking me where all the parts are.


845-09    (7rxud dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear oracle,
>
>         Why do cats drink milk with their tongues curved under?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Because extending the tougue with the tip curved over signifies
} something else in feline culture.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Katra Sutra.


845-10    (5dJC9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh knower of all and doer of Lisa, please tell this humble
> supplicant what RFTM means.  Is it a government agency?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This little known group is the Royal French Toast Makers.  Despite
} the name, it isn't actually a government agency.  The word "royal"
} indicates that the organization has received an appointment from Her
} Majesty, as the official supplier of greasy breakfast foods to
} Buckingham Palace.
}
} RFTM has its roots just after the turn of the century, when several
} London cooks decided (for reasons which have been lost in the annals
} of time) that they needed to standardize their French Toast
} preparation, so they got together to form an ad hoc committee.  They
} were originally going to call themselves the English French Toast
} Association (EFTA), but when the contradiction in that term was
} pointed out, they settled for the National Eggy Bread Society
} (NEBS).  (EFTA turned up again later on, but that's a different
} story.)
}
} Over the years, NEBS achieved continual improvement in the standard
} French Toast, and in 1968, Queen Elizabeth II appointed them to their
} current position, and suggested (well, OK, commanded) them to change
} the name to RFTM.  In a controversial move, Nigel Smythe, then the
} chairman of the organization, was knighted (Royal Victorian Order).
}
} RFTM tends to stay out of the news, as they consider their current
} French Toast standard to be perfect, and are not attempting to
} improve it in any way.
}
} (And you were expecting me to say something like "read from the
} manual", weren't you?  Tish!)
}
} You owe the Orcale a cure for dyslexai.


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