[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Aug 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 13:46:20 GMT

Internet Oracularities #846

Goto:
846, 846-01, 846-02, 846-03, 846-04, 846-05, 846-06, 846-07, 846-08, 846-09, 846-10


Internet Oracularities #846    (108 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 1996 14:53:38 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   846
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

846  108 votes guzj8 5kfmK 9HEe2 0arBy 4tuza 3kxAg 8ztqa 3dwHh 3bCEg 9vwu6
846   3.2 mean  2.8   3.8   2.6   3.9   3.2   3.4   3.0   3.5   3.5   2.9


846-01    (guzj8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, master of all he surveys.
>
> What's that dangly bit hanging at the bottom right corner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's your conscience, Mr. Dole.  Just sweep it under the rug.
}
} You owe the Oracle $1,000,000 for a consultation fee.


846-02    (5kfmK dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me honororable oracle, master of fates
> why does the world have a shortage of dates?
>
> ----------------------------
> Anand Kumar
> Mangement Institute of India
> ----------------------------
> [name anonymized to protect the innocent -ed]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm Oracle.  That's Oracle, P.I.  I have a short temper and a long Zot
} Gun.  I take the cases the other guys won't touch.  It's easy.  I'm
} omniscient.  Word has gotten around that my prices are steep, so
} business has been bad lately.  All I've had are testosterone-high
} teenagers yelling null questions at me from across the street.  Lucky
} for them that my short temper hasn't given way.  Yet.
}
} Today, I was cleaning my Zot Gun when a guy walked through the door.
} The second I laid eyes on him, I knew he was going to be trouble.  Guys
} wearing caps with dangling bells always are.  I asked him what I could
} do for him.  He spouted a little jingle.
}
} "Honororable?" I said.  "That's a mouthful.  I never have been able to
} understand how you Indian guys can pronounce all those 17-syllable
} words."
}
} "Indian?" he queried.  "What makes you think I am Indian?"
}
} "You forgot to remove your name tag," I pointed out.  "Welcome,
} Ananada, I mean Panda, I mean ... dang!  How do you pronounce that,
} anyway?"
}
} "Never mind that," he said impatiently.  "What are you going to do
} about the dates?"
}
} "What dates?"  I asked.  "You mean the fruit?  The things on the
} calendar?"
}
} "No, no, no!" he shouted.  "I thought you were omniscient!"  I was
} beginning to dislike this guy.  "I mean social rendevouzezezes.  I mean
} where a couple go out and have fun together.  You know!"
}
} Indeed.  "What makes you think there's a shortage?" I asked.
}
} "Well, *I* don't have any!" he exclaimed.  "And neither do any of the
} guys I hang out with.  Shouldn't that tell you something?"
}
} I thought for a moment.  He might have something there.  Could the
} women of the world have something against guys who wear belled hats and
} name tags?  This could bear investigating.  Especially if I could get
} the guy to put me on an expense account.
}
} "Look," I said, "I'll get right on it, but I'll need a retainer.
} Otherwise my teeth might shift, and I'll have to do those braces all
} over again.  And I want 2 grand, right up front.  You can put them next
} to the other pianos.  Deal?"
}
} He refused to take the deck of cards, and said, "You drive a hard
} bargain, Oracle, but I'm a desperate man.  When can you start?"
}
} I looked at my calendar.  I had to meet Mary in half an hour, followed
} by Susan, Marge, Jennifer, Barb, Karen, the other Marge, Lily, and
} Alice.  "I'm pretty busy today," I said.  I turned to the next day.  I
} had to meet the sorority girls in the morning, followed by lunch at the
} nunnery, and then I'd promised to teach Samantha how to park.  I mean
} drive.  "Tomorrow looks kind of busy, too," I said.  "How about if I
} start next week?"
}
} I looked up.  He had been stooping over, looking at my calendar too.
} There was a fire in his eyes.  "It's ... it's ... it's YOUR fault!" he
} roared.  Quick as a flash, he reached into his breast pocket and pulled
} out a Woodchuck Repeater.  He fired twice in rapid succession.
}
} "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
} wood?" "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
} chuck wood?"
}
} I reeled, but managed to snatch up my Zot Gun.  Then I remembered: I'd
} been cleaning it!  I frantically tried to put it back together, but he
} fired again.
}
} "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
} wood?"
}
} The situation looked grim, and so did I.  I quickly lashed out with a
} null reply, and another, and another!
} ""
}
} He staggered back towards the door, and then suddenly collapsed in a
} sobbing heap.  "I just want a date.  That's all I ever wanted, was just
} one lousy date.  Why are you putting me through all this, WHY?!??"  I
} put my arm around his shoulders and tried to console him.  "Look," I
} said.  "If that's all you want, why don't you come back on Monday, and
} I'll introduce you to Betsy."
}
} "Really?" he said, with hope showing in his eyes.  "Well, all right
} then ..." and he drifted miserably through the door.
}
} He'll like Betsy.  She's my bottle.  I haven't used her since I was
} ... oh ... about 12 months old, I believe.  I hope he doesn't forget
} the 2 grand.


846-03    (9HEe2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest gourmet of Oracles, who knows which fork is for the salad
> and which is for the main course:
>
> I see this commercial where this man (whom, I should add, is not
> noticeably overweight) proudly announces he has this card which
> will refund him $120 if his bill for dinner is $600.  I ask only the
> most obvious of questions: where the heck does he eat to run up a
> bill of $600?????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a question that more companies' accountants should be asking
} themselves when they get back those travel sheets from junketing
} executives.  In any other industry, the 20% rebate would be called
} bribery, a kickback, el mordido, "miscellaneous expenses of doing
} business overseas," or payola.
}
} Nobody can eat $600 in one sitting.  It takes me at least two.
}
} You owe the Oracle a king-size box of Breathsure.


846-04    (0arBy dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know what I hate?
>
> RICH PRICKS

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As a matter of fact, I did know that.  That's my job.
}
} You're new to this, aren't you?  Well, this is how it works:
} *you* ask the questions, and *I* supply the answers.  Think you
} can manage that?  Let's try it then.
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > You know what I hate?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} Corduroy pants.  Body piercing.  Boyzone.  Dirty fingernails.
} People telling you to have a nice day.  People telling you to "Enjoy!"
} their Web site.  People starving in a world of plenty.  White shirts
} with little thin pink stripes.  Cars with "Colonel Bogey" horns.
} Garfields stuck to car side windows.  Bumper stickers detailing their
} son's college grades.  Phone-in help desks.  Voice mail.  On-hold
} music. "Funny" ansaphone messages.  In fact, almost anything associated
} with telephones.  Sun-dried tomatoes.  Monosyllabic supplicants.  "Me
} too!" posters.  Little yappy dogs that have to be carried everywhere.
} Jim Carrey.  White socks.  Bugs Bunny socks.  Musical socks.
} ESPECIALLY musical socks.  Men with hairy toes wearing sandals and
} no socks.  Thermal cups at service plazas.  People who drive pickup
} trucks when they don't have to.  Beavis and Butthead.  Charles and Di.
} Micro$oft's imminent conquest of the Net.  Cascades.  Jim Carrey.
} The way how, when people arrange the snacks for a party, they always
} mix the cheese-and-onion potato chips in with the salt-and-vinegar
} ones. Smurfs.  Barbershop choirs.  The thought of Nicole Kidman playing
} Mrs. Peel in the film of "The Avengers".  Supplicants who don't grovel.
} Supplicants who ask the w**dch*ck question.  Supplicants who don't
} grovel AND ask the w**dch*ck question.  The word "Jurassic" used to
} describe anything other than the middle bit of the Mesozoic Era. The
} word "loser" spelled "looser" (it should, of course, be spelled
} "AOLuser").  Jerry Adams.  Newt Gingrich.  Baseball caps worn the wrong
} way round.  Joggers.  Skateboarders.  Roller bladers.  In fact, anybody
} with little wheels attached to their feet.  Fat women in leggings. Fat
} men in Bermuda shorts.  Thin men in Bermuda shorts.  JuVeNiLeS wHo
} ThInK wRiTiNg In AlTeRnAtInG cApS iS cOoL.  The Taster's Choice/Gold
} Blend couple.  Bras that pull your breasts up under your armpits. Any
} and all references to "Mission Impossible".  Any and all references to
} "The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy".  This terrible pain in all the
} diodes down my left side.  Those watches that double as calculators,
} address books and nuclear magnetic resonance spectrographs and spend
} all the time beeping as their owners play with them.  Jim Carrey.
}
} Hang on a minute - this is a list of what *I* hate!  See what you've
} done, you've got me all confused!  Let's try it one more time.
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > You know what I hate?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} RICH PRICKS!
}
} You owe the Oracle an end to this feud between you and Mr. Pricks.


846-05    (4tuza dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh high Oracle who's shoes I am unworthy to drool upon, please grant me
> the answer to this question...
>
> Do exclamation point thingies *really* look like feet thingies?  Me and
> some friends have been arguing over this matter for quite sometime,
> enclosed is an example...
>
>   ! !
>    ! !
>   ! !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Over the years huge debates have been held in the ivory towers of
} Academia as to what exactly an exclamation point looks like.  Here's a
} sample of a typical debate:
}
} Charles: I'm telling you, it's a phallic symbol!
}
} Edward: No it's not, it's a footprint!
}
} C: Well what does a footprint have to do with an exclamation point?
}
} E: A lot more to do with one then a phallus!
}
} [A freshman peeks in the room.]
}
} Freshman: I think it looks kind of like a light bulb.
}
} C&E: Shaddup.
}
} [The freshman leaves to go and make unsuccessful passes at seniors.]
}
} C: You just think it's a footprint because you've been looking at all
} the footprints pointing away from your lectures.
}
} E (shouting): OH YEAH?  WELL YOU JUST THINK IT'S A PHALLUS CAUSE YOU'RE
} ALWAYS STROKING YOURS!
}
} C (shouting): AT LEAST MINE GOES UP YOU BIG HEAP OF DINGO'S KIDNEYS!
}
} Custodian: It looks a bit like a beer tap to me.
}
} [C&E stop shouting and turn towards the big ! they drew on a blackboard
} beforehand.]
}
} C (much calmer): No, it doesn't look like that at all, but my mouth is
} getting a bit dry from all this shouting.
}
} E: Yeah, me too.  Hey, I know a good pub down the street.
}
} [Charles, Edward, and the custodian (who's paid by the hour) head off
} to the pub for a beer, ending the debate.]
}
} Oracle: So, supplicant, it was never decided...until today, during
} which I'm going to resurrect Demetrius, inventor of the exclamation
} point, and ask him about it.  All discussion will be translated into
} English, don't worry.
}
} [The Oracle makes a purposeful hand gesture, and a man wearing a toga
} appears.]
}
} Oracle: Greetings, Demetrius.
}
} Demetrius: Uh, hi.  Glad to be here.
}
} Oracle: History tells us that you were the first to use the exclamation
} point, which was later used by several languages.
}
} Demetrius: Yeah, that's me.
}
} Oracle (leans forward intently): So tell me, what did you base it on?
}
} Demetrius (a little embarrassed): Well, um, my brother Tiberius
} disappeared for a few years and then appeared, claiming to have seen
} the future.  He talked about all sorts of dumb stuff, like airplanes,
} voyages to the moon, and non alcoholic beer.
}
} Oracle: And?
}
} Demetrius: Well, uh, once he drew something he called a light bulb for
} me, and that's where I got the shape of the exclamation point from.
}
} Oracle (surprised): Really?  Go fig. (turns toward supplicant) You owe
} the Oracle a keg of beer and a burnt out light bulb.


846-06    (3kxAg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: <forbes@ihlpf.lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, whose infallible memory spares him from having
> to rely on photocopy machines:
>
> Why do photocopier repairmen come to jobs wearing white shirts and
> ties?  Who are they trying to kid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, you'd be surprised.
}
} When businesses first started buying photocopiers in the late '50s,
} copier repairmen wore work clothes when they went to a job, just
} like electricians or plumbers.  In the early 1960s, however, a
} feisty start-up copier repair company in New York City, Potzrebie
} Business Repairs, decided to give itself a "signature" by sending its
} repairmen out on jobs dressed in suits and ties, carrying their tools
} in cases that resembled executive briefcases.  This did seem to
} impress customers, and their business increased modestly.
}
} But what converted everyone was an incident in 1962.  A vital Xerox
} machine in the administrative offices of NBC Broadcasting broke down; a
} Potzrebie tech named Kopfer was sent out immediately.  At NBC, a
} receptionist showed him into the inner sanctum near the machine, and
} left him standing as she went off to find the secretary who had the
} keys to the machine.  While he was standing there, the President of NBC
} saw him and assumed he was the candidate for the position of
} Vice-President for Entertainment Programming that he was supposed to
} interview that morning, and called him into his office.
}
} Kopfer had no idea why he was being grilled on his TV knowledge, but
} since he spent all his waking hours off work in the vast wasteland he
} had little trouble answering the questions.  At the end of a half hour
} he had shared his conviction that prime-time TV needed fewer realistic
} dramas and more shows with witches, talking horses and cars, and
} boneheads stranded on desert islands--AND he had a new job title.
}
} Word of this serendipity quickly spread throughout the copier-repair
} community, and within a couple months all copier techs were wearing
} business suits and carrying briefcases when they went on call.  And
} every now and then they have success stories to report.  It might
} interest you to know that the president of Value-Jet and Craig
} Livingstone, head of White House security, were both copy repairmen
} who had made good.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of executive butt-crack pants for upwardly
} mobile plumbers.


846-07    (8ztqa dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: <forbes@ihlpf.lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why no verb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, you have discovered one of the great truths of the English
} language: "why" is in fact not a verb.  This important fact was first
} discovered by an obscure Welsh scholar named Rhys Glyndwr in the year
} 1412.  Until that point, people were quite content to make sentences
} like "Forsooth, I now sett about merrilie to why to ye olde shoppe,"
} which, as you can plainly see, makes no sense whatsoever.  Rhys
} developed a method for using "why" as an adverb instead of as a verb,
} thus producing sentences like "Why settest thou about merrilie to
} hyther to yon olde shoppe?", which makes about as little sense, but it
} looks nicer. Unfortunately, no one was able to take seriously a
} scholarly work about English written by a man whose native tongue gives
} places names like
} "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch," and the
} work became lost to history.
}
} The issue was not addressed again until the late 1800's, when a Dr.
} Johnathan Abramson at Oxford University discovered the use of the word
} "why" as an adverb.  After writing many experimental sentences, he
} stumbled upon the phrase "Why why?"  This sentence turned out to be so
} nonsensical that, on contemplating it, the hapless Dr. Abramson was
} stricken mad.  All evidences of his work were swept under the rug, as
} it were, and the dark secret of this phrase was kept a secret at Oxford
} for decades to come.  The concept of using the word "why" as a verb was
} not only quashed wherever it could be found, but the historical
} occurrences of this were also hidden away.
}
} Now, in the year 1996, the secret has been rediscovered.  You, young
} supplicant, are the possessor of this great and terrible knowledge.  It
} is your choice, whether you will use the power that this grants you for
} good, or for evil.  Indeed, the fate of all humanity rests in your
} hands (which, I should point out, is a very good reason to wash them.
} You don't want the fate of all humanity to get grimy.)  If you were
} wise, of course, you'd ask my advice for what to do with this awesome
} responsibility.  Alas, that is another question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a translation of the phrase "Why why?" into
} Woodchuckese.


846-08    (3dwHh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some physicists are working on Cold Fusion.  Others work on Hot Fusion.
>
> I would like to invent pleasantly warm fusion.  How can I do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hire a team of bears to work on the project, and you'll succeed at all
} three. The Papa bears will produce fusion that's too hot.  The Mama
} bears will develop fusion that's too cold.  But the baby bears will
} succeed in designing a practical fusion system that's "just right".
} Best of luck, and make sure to include my name in the Nobel
} application.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bowl of porridge, a chair, and a bed.


846-09    (3bCEg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, one of the seven wonders of the Internet,
>
> I, the humble supplicant, have a problem.  My best friend appears to
> have become possessed by an evil spirit of some sort.  Could you tell
> me how to be sure whether or not he's possessed and how to purge him of
> the evil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ask him the following questions:
}
} 1.)  If the following people were running for president, who would you
}      vote for?  a.)  Newt Gingrich  b.)  Howard Stern  c.)  Pat
}      Buchanan
}
} 2.)  Which of the following actors should win an academy award?
}      a.)  Steven Segal  b.)  Brad Pitt  c.)  Dolph Lundgren
}
} 3.)  If you were on a roof of a skyscraper and you saw a small child
}      teetering on the edge, would you:  a.)  grab the child and take it
}      to safety b.)  find the parent and have them arrested  c.)  push
}      the child off the ledge and guess what shape the child will make
}      win it hits the ground.
}
} 4.)  Your hero is a.)  Mr. Roper  b.)  the Snuggles fabric bear
}      c.)  Mrs. Brady
}
} 5.)  Answer the following question:  There's always room for a.)  Jello
}      b.)  Spam  c.)  Dole's tax plan
}
} 6.)  Your favorite color is:  a.)  Yellow  b.)  Blue  c.)  Blood red
}      with little flecks of spit
}
} 7.)  My soul belongs to:  a.)  God  b.)  Satan  c.)  Regis and Kathie
}      Lee.
}
} 8.)  I want to have children a.)  when I'm ready  b.)  when pigs fly
}      c.)  drawn and quartered and then served to me on a silver
}      platter.
}
} 9.)  The greatest influence in my life has been a.)  my parents
}      b.)  Michael Jordan  c.)  Tori Spelling.
}
} 10.)  Woodchucks are  a.)  cute, little, furry animals  b.)  put on
}       this earth to annoy me  c.)  in the oven and should be done in a
}       few minutes.
}
} If your friend answered c to all of the questions, then he is
} definitely posessed.  I would suggest strapping him to a chair and
} making him watch reruns of The Courtship of Eddie's Father.  If that
} won't cure him, I don't know what will.
}
} 11.)  You owe the Oracle  a.)  your life  b.)  your soul  c.)  George
}       Clooney in nothing but a bow and holding a chocolate cheesecake.


846-10    (9vwu6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whistling Oracle, please explain why whistling makes me happy and my
> wife angry.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, whistling makes you happy because you're getting a lot of
} oxygen to your brain.  All of that breathing in and out, huffing and
} puffing, makes your blood full of oxygen, and everybody knows that if
} you didn't get any oxygen you'd be pretty sad, so therefore more oxygen
} makes you pretty happy.  Why do you think flute players always have
} those dumb grins on their faces?  You thought it was something else
} didn't you?
}  Well get your mind out of the gutter, pal, because it's the oxygen
} that makes them such happy people.  Now deep-sea divers, those are some
} of the crabbiest people you'll ever meet.  Don't invite one to a party,
} let me tell you - what a downer.  It's all about oxygen.
}
} Now, as to your wife, why does it make her angry?  Well, I think it's
} better if I tell you in a song.
}
} Whistling Fool
} (sung to tune of The Andy Griffith Show):
}
} When your wife
} hears you whistling
} And you have to do it all day long
} She can't help
} think of Andy
} And the Andy Griffith Song!
} And you know,
} It's a show that
} Everyone has seen too many times
} And you know
} That you hate it
} But you watched it all the same!
} What a dumb show!
} What a dumb show!
} What a dumb show!
} But you watched it all the same!
} And Aunt Bea
} What a loser
} And how bout that stupid Barney Fife
} And that kid
} Opie Griffith
} You just want to slap his face!
} So the drift
} Of the story
} Is that whistling is a happy thing
} But if it
} Makes her angry
} You just have to give it up!
} Whistling fool!
} Whistling fool!
} Whistling fool!
} You just have to give it up!
} So you owe
} Me, the Oracle
} An eight-by-ten of Gomer Pyle
} And next time,
} Better grovel
} Or I'll give you a big ZOT.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org