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Internet Oracularities #847

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847, 847-01, 847-02, 847-03, 847-04, 847-05, 847-06, 847-07, 847-08, 847-09, 847-10


Internet Oracularities #847    (112 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 23 Jul 1996 12:03:57 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   847
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

847  112 votes 5rDoh 4uDsb 7wApc 5eBuq 4eppI 2cvxy 6pGu9 duxr9 6mDve 17rAF
847   3.4 mean  3.2   3.1   3.0   3.5   3.8   3.8   3.1   2.9   3.2   4.0


847-01    (5rDoh dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What can I do with an old 286?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Interesting you should ask.  NASA, which is trying to get rid of many
} of the TRS-80s currently used by its engineers, has approved the 286 as
} best available technology.  It budgeted $245 million to acquire 100 of
} the machines at $245,000 each.  In addition, in conjunction with the
} Small Business Administration (SBA), it has established a program
} whereby owners of 286 may fly to Houston to perform the 286
} installation, for which they will be paid $175,000 plus expenses.
} (Note: technicians using 8088 or 186 machines are not eligible for this
} upgrade.)
}
} You owe the Oracle your vote in the next 5 elections.


847-02    (4uDsb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: <forbes@ihlpf.lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh great and powerful Oracle, who never misses a show, please
> tell me:
>
>       I was watching the new Microsoft/NBC cable channel MSNBC when a
> window popped up which said: "MSNBC caused a General Protection Fault
> in tv.exe at dh0x00ff:0aac. OK?" I tried calling tech support but got
> put on hold for three hours. What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You obviously haven't bought the upgraded version
} of the MSNBC TV driver. You need to purchase it (visit
} http://www.microsoft.com/msnbc/tv/upgrade.html for info on how
} to order).  Install it and you will have no more problems with MSNBC.
}
} I take that back.  You will have no problems for about a week, until
} the next version of MSNBC comes over the airwaves.  Also, you will
} need about twice as much RAM in your TV as before.  Of course, that's
} a good thing--most TVs don't have any RAM in them to start with...
}
} You owe the Oracle a good-old antenna from Radio Shack.


847-03    (7wApc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wondrous Oracle most excruciatingly and prodigiously wise,
> exuberant and flowing in thine abundance and plenitude of wisdom and
> knowing, Great Oracle who sees deeply into the heart of the most
> delicate of situations, please answer my humble request:  tell me, oh
> Wise Oracle, why does my danged modem keep dropping characters?
>
> Your humble servant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the look of it, there is a new version of firmware floating around
} the Internet that enforces a limited form of the restrictions proposed
} in the Telecommunications Decency Act.  It seems to "infect" modems on
} contact with other "infected" modems, but I'm not quite sure what it's
} doing.  Lemme infect a test modem, type in some test text, and see what
} gets dropped:
}
} <sound of a modem being infected>
}
} ...censorship always deeats its own prpose, for it reates, in the end,
} the ind of ociety tat s incapable of exercising real discreion...In
} the long run it will create a generation incaable of apprecating the
} difference between independence of thought and ubervience.
}                               -- Henry Steele Commager
}
} <sound of a modem being disinfected>
}
} Hmmmm...looks like a bit of analysis is in order.  I'll get back to you
} on this one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a uschia kelele and a set of arving nives.


847-04    (5eBuq dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@juno.com (Frank J. Backitis Jr.)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> could you please tell me how to make sure that my
> Oracularities do *not* make it into the Digest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy. Let me summon up one of my dearest supplicants to
} tell you how it's done.
}
} [A FLASH OF LIGHT and a slightly confused SUPPLICANT
}  appears, picking his nose.]
}
} ORACLE: Let me introduce to you Mr. Gregory A. Milliken of
}  Hoboken, New Jersey. He has been writing to me for just
}  about 24 years now, and has yet to make it into the
}  Oracularities _once._
}
} SUPPLICANT: (grinning) 'das right.
}
} ORACLE: So, tell me, how exactly can one be so humorless
}  as to not think up one original thought in 24 years?
}
} SUPPLICANT: (still grinning, mugging for the camera) Uh...
}  Jus' lucky, I guess.
}
} [Another FLASH OF LIGHT. A stack of PAPERS appears in the
}  ORACLE'S hands]
}
} ORACLE: Let me read you one of your first submissions to
}   me. It was a question. (rustles paper) It reads: "HEY
}   OORACLEE BUDY. ANSWER MY QUESTION, OKAY?? WHAT IS UP
}   WITH TAHT OPRAH CHICK?"
}
} [SUPPLICANT collapses to the floor in a paroxysm of mindless
}  giggles.]
}
} ORACLE: (ignorning SUPPLICANT) Another reads: "WHICH CMAE
}  FIRS, THE EGG OR THE... CHICK?!?"
}
} [SUPPLICANT issues forth another burst of laughter. His
}  face turns red, and he begins to wheeze.]
}
} ORACLE: And then, you began answering questions. (rustles
}  paper) The question asked of you was: "Oh, Oracle, your
}  wondrous power never ceases to amaze me. Tell me, why can
}  I not balance a spoon on my nose? A friend of mine can, and
}  I feel so talentless because I can't." A question with some
}  real possibilities. And what, if I might ask, Mr. Milliken,
}  did you answer?
}
} [SUPPLICANT continues to roll around on the floor, clutching
}  his stomach. Giggling, he is only able to huff a simple
}  grunt now and then.]
}
} ORACLE: I'll answer that for you. You wrote: "SPOON THIS,
}  MISETR BIG-NOSE!"
}
} [SUPPLICANT shrieks with laughter. Somewhere, a WINDOWPANE
}  shatters.]
}
} ORACLE: Maybe, Mr. Milliken, you can remember the first time
}  you ever wrote the Oracle. You forgot to grovel, as I recall.
}  What, pray tell, did I do to you?
}
} SUPPLICANT: (laughing, tears streaming down his face) You...
}  You... heh... you... zott... heh... woo!
}
} ORACLE: Yes, I zotted you. And how many times since have I
}  been forced to zot you?
}
} SUPPLICANT: (still howling) About... a..... about... 4 hun..
}
} ORACLE: Four hundred thousand, eight hundred, eighty-two
}  times in 24 years. Often, twice in one day. You can go now.
}
} [Another FLASH OF LIGHT, and SUPPLICANT disappears. As he
}  goes, you hear him yell "Ouch!" and giggle mindlessly.]
}
} So, you see, dear Supplicant, the only thing that can keep
} you out of the Oracularities permanently is a severe case
} of brain damage, electrically induced. If you're still game,
} let me know, and I'm sure we could work something out to
} give you... ah... what you want.
}
} You owe the Oracle twelve neurons and a paroidal lobe in
} a pear tree.


847-05    (4eppI dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 'Twas brillig, and the slithey toves
> Did gyre and gymbol in the wabe;
> All mimsy were the borogroves,
> And the mome raths outgrabe.
>
> "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
> The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
> Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
> The frumious Bandersnatch."
>
> He took his vorpal sword in hand;
> Long time the manxom foe he sought.
> Then rested he by the tum-tum tree,
> And stood a while in thought.
>
> And as in uffish thought he stood,
> The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
> Came whiffling through the tulgey wood
> And burbled as it came.
>
> One-two, one-two, and through and through!
> The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
> He left it dead, and with its head,
> He went galumphing back.
>
> "And hast though slain the Jabberwock?
> Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
> O frabjous day, callooh, callay!"
> He chortled in his joy.
>
> 'Twas brillig, and the slithey toves
> Did gyre and gymbol in the wabe;
> All mimsy were the borogroves,
> And the mome raths outgrabe.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'Twas the zillionth time the slimy hordes
} Did spam and mailbomb all the Net;
} All drooled-on were their keyboards,
} And their earlobes were wet.
}
} "Beware the Newbie dork, my son!
} The cluestick bait, the one trolls catch!
} Beware the mailbomb jerk, and shun
} The ludicrous MAKE MONEY FAST."
}
} He took his kernel source in hand;
} Long time a compromise he sought.
} Then sent a packet on public band,
} And ruled the radio LAN as root.
}
} And as in hackish glee he grinned,
} The Newbie dork, asshole aflame,
} Came whiffling through its login prompt
} And burbled as it came.
}
} kill -9, rm -rf, and sed and sed!
} The dork's account went *plonk*!
} He left it dead, and went to bed,
} And slept peaceful as a monk.
}
} "And hast thou burned the Newbie dork?
} You really pulled it off?!"
} That ISP's security
} Wasn't even tough.
}
} 'Twas the zillion-and-oneth time the slimy hordes
} Did spam and mailbomb all the Net;
} All drooled-on were their keyboards,
} And their earlobes were wet.


847-06    (2cvxy dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Got any less-famous historical quotations you'd care to share?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Ow!".  Mary, Queen of Scots
} "Ow!".  Joan of Arc
} "Ow!".  Lincoln
} "Ow!".  Custer
} "Ow!".  Napoleon
} "Ow!".  Hitler
} "Ow!".  Kennedy
} "Ow!".  Cobain
}
} **ZOT!!**
} "Ow!".  Supplicant


847-07    (6pGu9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, please tell me the the weather surrounding the
> Oracle's residence.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So, how's the weather?  Is this what it comes down to?  No more "How do
} we stop this plague?" or "How can I assure victory in battle?" or even
} a simple "What do the Fates hold for my son/daughter?"
}
} How is the weather indeed.  Does no one set out upon quests anymore?
} Is no one concerned with the weighty matters of the universe?  Can any-
} one even think to muster up the curage to ask if shaman/scientists will
} ever discover their "Grand [or Great] Unified Theory"?  (The answer is
} no.)  (To both.)  Does anyone even care about what *really* happened to
} Schroedinger's cat?  Apparently not.  They are more interested in the
} WEATHER..
}
} Let me guess, you also spend your off time browsing the web, not for
} itellectual pursuits, but to find that last ellusive cheat code for
} HEXEN, huh?  (No, I won't tell you what it is!)  Of course I am right.
} I am the Oracle.  I know everything.  And you come to me, grovelling
} about the WEATHER??
}
} Fine.  Let me look out of the window.  [Time Passes]
}
} Wow.  Blue skies.  White fluffy clouds, about 25C, (that's 77F), no
} rain, about a 8 km/hr breeze (that's 5mph), absolutely beautiful.
} I think I will go out and play now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a half-lost, half-found poster for his cat.


847-08    (duxr9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and all that even if you are a bit wierd please
> tell me:
>
> Are you gay?
>
> I mean, in the last digest you asked for a payment of "George Clooney
> in nothing but a bow and holding a chocolate cheesecake."
>
> Everybody knows that straight guys don't eat chocolate cheesecake!
>
> What's the deal you freak?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle:  I had been working at my keyboard for three days straight.
}    I had subsisted on nothing but aspirin and caffeine, and I
}    hadn't had a wink of sleep--nada.  I was about to throw the
}    towel in and take an early retirement when another supplicant
}    contacted me.  I asked him what in blazes he wanted?
}
} Supplicant:  It was obvious from his quick response that he was
}    sincerely interested in my question.  I asked him:  "Are you
}    gay?"
}
} Oracle:  Well, it turned out that this insufferable supplicant
}    had the nerve to ask if I was gay.  "Gay?!!" I asked in dis-
}    belief.  "Here I am topping out 72 hours straight without
}    any rest or any intelligent questions.  My eyes are so
}    bloodshot and swollen they feel as if they're about to pop
}    out of my skull, and my head feels as if someone has been
}    working at it with a jackhammer.   "Am I gay?  Not in the
}    least bit--I am cranky as an oracle can be--and you're the
}    lucky supplicant to break the Oracle's back!"
}
} Supplicant:  It was very clear that he was passionate about
}    his work.  So I asked him about requesting payment in the
}    in the last digest, when he asked for a payment of "George
}    Clooney in nothing but a bow and holding a chocolate
}    cheesecake."
}
} Oracle:  George Clooney?  A Bow?!  Chocolate cheesecake?!!
}    I asked him what he was prattling on about.
}
} Supplicant:  He didn't remember the reference, so I tried to
}    refresh his memory by reminding him that everybody knows
}    that straight guys don't eat chocolate cheesecake!
}
} Oracle:  I categorically denied everything.  And then the
}    little upstart had the gall to suggest I was a freak.  So
}    I told him where to go.
}
} Supplicant:  He gave me several options as to where I could find
}    a definitive answer to my question.  He then wished me luck
}    before severing our connection.
}
} Oracle:  I told him I hoped he would grow a brain some day.
}
} Voice-Over:  The Usenet Oracle.  Providing quick and honest answers
}    to today's benighted mortals.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ice bag and dump truck load of Nytol.


847-09    (6mDve dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle whose boots are always licked clean, why do they call it banana
> bread, when it doesn't look anything like a banana?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the same way that politicians convince us they are honest, the
} bread is merely trying to convince you it is a banana. Yours,
} dear Supplicant, is not to ask why -- merely to nod your head in
} silent affirmation and go along with it.
}
} It is interesting to note that, depending on which political party
} you're more prone to believe, your banana bread can even take on
} different positions. For example:
}
} REPUBLICAN: Your banana bread has been overtaxed and overburdened
}  for years. The crushing weight of government is threatening to
}  squish it into a wet paste before your very eyes. Contrary to
}  what you might think about the creation of the bread itself, it
}  _was_ bread from the moment the flour went in the bowl to be mixed,
}  and therefore deserves to have the full rights as a fully-developed
}  loaf.
}
} DEMOCRAT: Your banana bread should be government-regulated, since
}  some of it tends to have sharp edges or be very hot when it comes
}  out of the oven. People should _not_ have the right to own banana
}  bread, as it can be concealed and used as a deadly weapon. However,
}  it should be left up to the woman as to what she does with her
}  _own_ banana bread.
}
} REFORM: Your banana bread is majorly annoyed by NAFTA, and has
}  large ears. Through a series of elaborate scientific studies
}  conducted over a period of several years, it has been determined
}  that your bread is 76% overtaxed, 48% unhappy with the lack of
}  family values in this country today, 97% against the "fat Elvis"
}  stamp, and 67% banana.
}
} LIBERTARIAN: Hey, didja know you can smoke banana bread and get
}  a killer buzz?
}
} You owe the Oracle a clean pair of hip-waders.


847-10    (17rAF dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The other day I was walking home, when a brilliant flash of light
> caused me to turn and cover my eyes.  When I looked back at where the
> light was, I saw a charred piece of paper fall to the ground.  It may
> be of interest to you--
>
> (it appears to be a page from somebody's diary)
>
> "
> August 17th, 1996
>
> I'm going to try to write about this as calmly as I possibly can,
> considering what's just happened.  As far as I can tell, every city on
> earth has been destroyed in a nuclear armageddon, something beyond my
> wildest dreams.  I've looked on the Temple of the Internet Oracle, and
> even it has been destroyed.  I can'
> "
>
> The scrap ends there.
>
> What does this all mean?  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} July 17, 1996: Supplicant has exeprience described above.  Reads note
} and decides to contact the Internet Oracle vie email.
}
} July 20, 1996: Supplicants email message interecepted by CIA.
} President is alerted.  An emergency meeting of the Cabinet is convened.
} It is agreed to place all arms of the National Defense on full
} super-secret alert.
}
} July 25, 1996: Alarmed by intelligence reports of US activity, Russia
} goes on full scale alert as well.  In private meetings, tensions
} between the two countries rise.
}
} July 31, 1996: China goes on ful scale alert
}
} Aug 1, 1996: Israel and India go on full scale alert. Nato forces
} mobilize in Western Europe.
}
} Aug. 3, 1996: Iraq threatens Israel with retaliation if Israel
} continues military mobiolization.
}
} Aug. 5, 1996: Internet Oracle constructs time travel jet to escape
} upcoming armegeddon, of which he is fully cognizant.
}
} Aug. 9, 1996: Arguing factions of Russian inner circle create
} heightened tensions and bring conflict even closer.
}
} Aug 10, 1996: Chinese forces mass on border with Russia.
}
} Aug 11, 1996: CIA informs President Clinton that charred piece of paper
} surely must imply certain armegeddon and that there best sources
} indicate it will come from with in Russia.  President waffles on
} telling the public.
}
} Aug 14, 1996: Hard Copy breaks the news of tensions between nations
} brought to the brink of worldwide destruction.  Country-wide panic.
}
} Aug. 16, 1996: Internet Oracle goes to sleep, Lisa inadvertantly sets
} clock alarm for 8 pm instead of 8 am.
}
} Aug. 17, 1996, 7:51 am EST: Renegade Russian submarine Captain launches
} his missiles against Western Europe.
}
} Aug. 17, 1996, 7:54 am EST: Western European forces retaliate.
}
} Aug. 17, 1996, 8:01 am EST: Everybody launches whatever they have.
}
} Aug. 17, 1996, 8:15 am EST:  A sleeping Internet Oracle is awakened by
} a hysterical Lisa.  They overslept...again.  They hop in the jet and
} take off.  Lisa begins to write in her journal, describing the
} landscape:
}
} August 17th, 1996
}
}  I'm going to try to write about this as calmly as I possibly can,
}  considering what's just happened.  As far as I can tell, every city on
}  earth has been destroyed in a nuclear armageddon, something beyond my
}  wildest dreams.  I've looked on the Temple of the Internet Oracle, and
}  even it has been destroyed.  I can only pray that mankind will somehow
}  continue on from this tragedy.  If only that supplicant had never sent
}  that email this could have all been avoided.
}
} Aug. 17, 1996, 8:18 am EST:  The Internet Oracle's jet reaches time
} warp speen at exactly the instant it is destroyed by a missile.  Pieces
} of debris are scattered throughout time.  Some going as far back as 2
} billion years, others only a month.
}
} You owe the Oracle a, forget it, what difference does it make, we're
} all gonna die.


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