} Easy. Let me summon up one of my dearest supplicants to
} tell you how it's done.
} [A FLASH OF LIGHT and a slightly confused SUPPLICANT
} appears, picking his nose.]
} ORACLE: Let me introduce to you Mr. Gregory A. Milliken of
} Hoboken, New Jersey. He has been writing to me for just
} about 24 years now, and has yet to make it into the
} Oracularities _once._
} SUPPLICANT: (grinning) 'das right.
} ORACLE: So, tell me, how exactly can one be so humorless
} as to not think up one original thought in 24 years?
} SUPPLICANT: (still grinning, mugging for the camera) Uh...
} Jus' lucky, I guess.
} [Another FLASH OF LIGHT. A stack of PAPERS appears in the
} ORACLE'S hands]
} ORACLE: Let me read you one of your first submissions to
} me. It was a question. (rustles paper) It reads: "HEY
} OORACLEE BUDY. ANSWER MY QUESTION, OKAY?? WHAT IS UP
} WITH TAHT OPRAH CHICK?"
} [SUPPLICANT collapses to the floor in a paroxysm of mindless
} ORACLE: (ignorning SUPPLICANT) Another reads: "WHICH CMAE
} FIRS, THE EGG OR THE... CHICK?!?"
} [SUPPLICANT issues forth another burst of laughter. His
} face turns red, and he begins to wheeze.]
} ORACLE: And then, you began answering questions. (rustles
} paper) The question asked of you was: "Oh, Oracle, your
} wondrous power never ceases to amaze me. Tell me, why can
} I not balance a spoon on my nose? A friend of mine can, and
} I feel so talentless because I can't." A question with some
} real possibilities. And what, if I might ask, Mr. Milliken,
} did you answer?
} [SUPPLICANT continues to roll around on the floor, clutching
} his stomach. Giggling, he is only able to huff a simple
} grunt now and then.]
} ORACLE: I'll answer that for you. You wrote: "SPOON THIS,
} MISETR BIG-NOSE!"
} [SUPPLICANT shrieks with laughter. Somewhere, a WINDOWPANE
} ORACLE: Maybe, Mr. Milliken, you can remember the first time
} you ever wrote the Oracle. You forgot to grovel, as I recall.
} What, pray tell, did I do to you?
} SUPPLICANT: (laughing, tears streaming down his face) You...
} You... heh... you... zott... heh... woo!
} ORACLE: Yes, I zotted you. And how many times since have I
} been forced to zot you?
} SUPPLICANT: (still howling) About... a..... about... 4 hun..
} ORACLE: Four hundred thousand, eight hundred, eighty-two
} times in 24 years. Often, twice in one day. You can go now.
} [Another FLASH OF LIGHT, and SUPPLICANT disappears. As he
} goes, you hear him yell "Ouch!" and giggle mindlessly.]
} So, you see, dear Supplicant, the only thing that can keep
} you out of the Oracularities permanently is a severe case
} of brain damage, electrically induced. If you're still game,
} let me know, and I'm sure we could work something out to
} give you... ah... what you want.
} You owe the Oracle twelve neurons and a paroidal lobe in
} a pear tree.