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Internet Oracularities #849

Goto:
849, 849-01, 849-02, 849-03, 849-04, 849-05, 849-06, 849-07, 849-08, 849-09, 849-10


Internet Oracularities #849    (110 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 30 Jul 1996 12:32:38 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   849
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

849  110 votes dpzqb 3ryxd 5dwtv mBsh6 8lBtf 9dtDk 4izsp 28LGb 8sCt7 8pvth
849   3.2 mean  3.0   3.2   3.6   2.5   3.2   3.4   3.5   3.5   3.0   3.2


849-01    (dpzqb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: <forbes@ihlpf.lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, fountain of all tomato sauce, please explain to me in
> simple language why it is that when I sent the explicit list of the
> sorts of things I enjoy, as requested, I haven't heard from the guy in
> a week?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's take a look at your list, eh?
}
}  1. WWF
}  2. Satanic rituals
}  3. Bondage and Ginsu
}  4. Animal feces
}  5. Halloween music
}  6. Drinking blood
}  7. Magic: The Gathering
}
} Number 7 is the problem.  He prefers Dungeons and Dragons.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Ruby Mox.


849-02    (3ryxd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I unable to get a girlfriend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, quit your whining. Every time the Achaeans raid a city, you get
} your pick of all the women. Then this *one time*, you're forced to
} give that girl back to her father, and you start bitching and moaning.
} It's petty, it's unkingly, and most of all it's tiresome.
}
} Anyway, if you're really that lonely, there's a simple solution. You're
} the head honcho -- just grab that cute chick Achilles hooked up with.
} Sure, he'll sulk for a while, but what's he going to do -- go on
} strike?
}
} You owe the Oracle some nude Troy GIFs (or at least, some topless GIFs
} of the towers of Ilium).


849-03    (5dwtv dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You need to tell her you love her more.  All women like to hear words
> of endearment and Lisa is no different.  If you do this more often and
> spend some quality time with her, (and, no, watching reruns of Cybil
> does not count as quality time) I am sure that you will recover from
> your "problem" and begin your relationship with her anew.
>
> You owe the Supplicant a nude picture of Lisa in order to enter it into
> the "Cyberwomen" issue of Playboy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh lowly and insignifigant Supplicant, who doth grovel in mud and speak
} of woodchucks with every third breath. You who doth supply me with both
} endless fustration and means of support, yet continually ask questions
} stretching from the inane to the offensive, with the frequent null
} question bridging both catagories. Please tell this massively powerful
} and omnipotent Oracle how he might convince Lisa to wear that little
} black thing with the see-through parts?
}
} (Hey.... wait a minute...)


849-04    (mBsh6 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> will melanie ever get naked in the parking lot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How many times do I have to tell you, NO MORE WOODCHUCK
} QUESTIONS!  *ZOT* *ZOT* *ZOT*!
}
} Oh wait-- that was question number three million five
} hundred /two/?  I mistakenly gave you the answer to
} question number three million five hundred /one/...
} sorry about that.  Here, to make it up to you, I'll
} scrape your smoldering remains into a neat pile, and
} let you have this cute little pail to keep your ashes
} in.


849-05    (8lBtf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (Otis and/or Jane)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm thinking of a number 1 through 10, what is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <ZOT!>
} <ZOT!>
} <ZOT!>
}
} Now then, this is just a guess, mind you, but I suspect that the
} number 3 is uppermost in your thoughts right now.
}
} This Oracularity was brought to you by the number 3 and the
} letter Z.


849-06    (9dtDk dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > And thus spake the Oracle:
> >
> > } yep
>
> Oh most magnificent and inscrutable Oracle, I am merely
> a poor insignificant mortal, and my intelligence and
> wisdom are nothing next to yours.  As a result, I am
> quite incapable of identifying the humor in the Oracular
> answer I quote above.  Please, could you do a miserable
> supplicant a favor, and explain it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nope.


849-07    (4izsp dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> \
>  \
>   \
>    \
>     \
>      \
>       >
>      /
>     /
>    /
>   /
>  /
> /

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm delighted to announce to the scientific community that the answer
} to the intriguing Null Question debate seems to have finally come to an
} end. I have just confirmed that it was indeed a Mother Null that I
} found in my Inbox this morning. Autopsys reveal that it was still alive
} upon being sent through the mailer daemon.
}
} Long thought to be extinct, the Nulls seem to be on a level with the
} coelacanth. Until this point, only the petrified skeletal remains of
} grown Nulls had been discovered, and now it is realized that a fully
} grown Null is much larger than was originally thought. The Null
} discovered today was almost 13 times the size of a newborn Null.
}
} It has been determined that the live Null makes it's meal of binary
} data, attaching itself to the end of a string and eating to the
} beginning. We have been able to partially reconstruct the Mother Null's
} last meal today, sadly, it was the woodchuck question. It seems that
} she attached herself to the tail end of the question, right at the
} point of "could chuck wood?" and ate all the way to "How much wood co"
} before realizing her mistake. Apparantly this string acted as a poison
} and sent her reeling into the data path of the mail server. This
} discovery leads one to the conclusion that all the Null Questions are
} simply cases of food poisoning left untreated. The smaller, baby Nulls
} need only a small peice of the woodchuck question for the poison to
} take effect; this accounts for missing question marks on many of the
} woodchuck questions recieved. The fact that most Null Questions
} recieved are newborns also strongly backs this up our data, suggesting
} that Natural Selection is the primary tool used to weed out those Nulls
} who can't distinguish safe questions from woodchuck questions early in
} life.
}
} As a side note, it is still unknown how she managed to find her way to
} my mailbox, but researchers aren't taking time out to ponder this small
} enigma. They're focusing more time and effort on discovering what it is
} that draws the poisoned Nulls to mail servers, and what it is in their
} makeup that sends more than 95% of these Questions to the Oracle. We
} can only hope further research will provide the answers.


849-08    (28LGb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Monthly status reports are due by noon on July 30.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Already finished, FIVE days ahead of time. (Hey, I'm the Oracle,
} remember?)
}
} REPORT FOR JULY 1996
}
} Null questions: 11,247 (up 8%)
} Questions involving woodchucks: 873,293 (down 0.1%)
} Questions posed as rhymes: 477,231 (up 14.6%)
} Questions directed at Lisa: 1 (down 99.9%) [and, boy, is she pissed!]
} Questions from Joel Furr: 12,005,287 (down 33.3%)
} Questions without proper grovels: 12,005,288 (up 87.4%)
} Questions with remarkably stupid typos: 167,991 (up 18.9%)
} Questions regarding Microsoft, Windows 95 or Bill Gates: 34,229,401 (up
} 9.4%)
}
} Number of items demanded from supplicants: 67,440,195 (up 92.2%)
} Items received from supplicants: 4 (up 50%)
}
} You owe the Oracle a new overhead projector and one of those neat laser
} pointers.


849-09    (8sCt7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> will I marry and be happy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O disillusioned supplicant,
}   You have juxtaposed two mutually exclusive components in your
} question.  It is not possible to be both married and happy.  It is,
} however, possible to be merry and happy, or even Mary and happy.
} One the other hand you could be married and harpy, or married and
} yappy, you choose.
}
} You owe the Oracle an article each from Ann Landers & Dear Abbey...
} o yes, and some Twinkies.


849-10    (8pvth dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@cs.mcgill.ca

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
> Answer lowly supplicant,
> Nature of haiku?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant so brave
} For the ancient Japanese
} Car vanity plates.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to cram "The Usenet Oracle" into seven
} letters.


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