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Internet Oracularities #85

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85, 85-01, 85-02, 85-03, 85-04, 85-05, 85-06, 85-07, 85-08, 85-09, 85-10


Usenet Oracularities #85    (offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 20 Dec 89 23:11:46 GMT

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85-01    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that I spend so much money on Compact Discs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm... I suspect you're spending too much money on CD's because you're
} trying too hard to get laid.  Here are some cases in point:
}
} --You bought twelve Grateful Dead CD's after you met this cute nympho
}   deadhead at your local Tower Records thinking she'd be so impressed
}   that you'd have no trouble asking her out.  Too bad she hated the
}   Dead and only dressed up that way to turn on her eighty-six year old
}   husband who by the way is very rich and has promised her a huge sum
}   in his will if she continues to dress up that way.
}
} --That one woman who played oboe in the symphony orchestra?  I seem to
}   remember you bought Beethoven's first, fourth, fifth and ninth,
}   Mozart's Requiem and Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, Bach's Brandenburg
}   Concertos #'s 1 thru 6 (three concertos per disk), and Toccata and
}   Fugue in D minor just so you could keep your head above water when
}   talking with her about classical music.  Of course, I suspect she
}   wasn't too impressed when you told her that your favorite was
}   "Toccati's Feud in Asia Minor".
}
} --Not to mention that headbanger that you wanted to get to know better
}   because you thought the word "headbanger" meant something other than
}   "heavy metal fan".  Five Motley Crue, four Iron Maiden's, three Def
}   Leppard's, two Judas Priests (and a partridge in a pear tree).  Just
}   to find out later that "headbanger" doesn't really mean "woman who
}   gives great blowjobs".  And to think you came across the only Metal
}   fan in the world who's saving herself for marriage.
}
} Here's a breakdown of your purchases the past year:
} Twelve Grateful Deads @ $12.99 each
} Nine generic classical @ $10.99 each
} Fourteen generic heavy metal @ $12.99 each
} Thirty-seven Top 40 @ $12.99 each
} Five generic jazz @ $11.99 each
} Seven Big Band (gotta admire you for that one; it's not everyone who's
} attracted to 70+ year old women) @ $11.99 each
} Fifteen New Wave @ $12.99 each
} Ten Punk Rock (gotta admire you for that one too; it's not everyone
} who's attracted to women who beat up men for fun) @ $12.99 each
}
} Sub-total:  $1,385.91
} Sales Tax:  $   83.15
} Total:      $1,469.06
}
} Of the twenty-six women you wanted to fuck this year, you only scored
} with the punker and the septegenarian.  And you could have done that
} for free.
} Do yourself a favor:  stop buying CD's and go get yourself a hooker.
} At fifty bucks a score (plus fifty cents for the rubber) you can get
} laid an average of 29.09 Saturday nights per year.  Although
} septegenarians do give better head if their teeth are missing.
}
} You owe the Oracle and yourself a subscription to the Columbia House
} CD club.  And a better pocket calculator.


85-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, I have a question about Barbara the
> net.suppleness.goddess that you told me about.
>
> I know that Lisa, naturally, spends most of her spare time having sex in
> one form or another, acting as The Great Goddess of Sex.  She is
> performing her divine sex acts.
>
> What about Barbara then?  How does she spend her spare time, acting as
> The Great Goddess of Suppleness?  Just being divinely supple, I suppose.
> What are her divine suppleness acts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Barbara does indeed spend her time performing acts of divine suppleness.
} She is often seen tying herself into a pretzel.  Occasionally she ties
} herself into a frayed knot and goes to harass the people on rec.humor.
} Sometimes she comes slithering seductively over my terminal, performing
} magnificent backbends.  On alternate Thursdays she can be found joining
} Lisa in extremely supple sex acts, the kinds that mere mortal women find
} nigh impossible.  You owe the Oracle a beautiful and talented disciple
} of Barbara.


85-03    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What was it between Kirk and Spock?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sixty-three high-energy phorce phields, a lightyear of lead shielding, a
} high-intensity ionic energy screen, and a big species gap.


85-04    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it really true that you are what you eat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, shit!  That mean's I'm tofu!  And my girlfriend is me!!


85-05    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I keep writing my girlfriend stories about goats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never underestimate the erotic potential of stories and poetry about
} ruminant beasts.  Why do you think the rec.humorites are so fascinated
} with ASCII pictures of cows?  To wit:
}
}       There once was a boy with a goat,
}       As horny as a sailor off boat,
}           At night in his sleep,
}           He dreamt it was a sheep,
}       And he didn't have to fuck it down the throat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a kid.


85-06    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you make the Jehovah's Witnesses go away?
> Why are they here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jehovah's Witnesses are in your terminal room?  How strange.  Usually
} they are out on some urban street corner giving out free copies of "The
} Watchtower."
}
} There are two ways you can get rid of them:
}
}       1) [Short-term solution] Say "Shoo! Go away!"  Amazingly,
}          this works.  It does not work on Hare Krishnas, though.
}
}       2) [Short-term solution-- possible side-effects] Take off
}          your clothes, prick your finger, draw a blasphemous
}          symbol on your chest, and start rocking back-and-forth,
}          intoning the name of Cthulhu or your own favorite demon.
}          (Or daemon, but I doubt the J.W.'s are scared of spool
}          files.)
}
}       3) [Short-term solution-- possible anti-social side-effects]
}          Take off your clothes, and finger your prick.
}
}       4) [Long-term solution] Assassinate Michael Jackson.  Aside
}          from rescuing the world from the prince of androgeny, you
}          will cut off their main monetary supply, and their
}          oraganization will wither.
}
}       5) [Alternate long-term solution] Find out who is in charge--
}          the "top banana"-- and get them involved in a jucy sex
}          scandal.
}
}       6) [Backup alternate long-term solution] Find out where they
}          print "The Watchtower" and contaminate the bins of ink
}          with a virulent microorganism.  Notify the health department
}          that the J.W.'s are dying on street corners across America.
}
}       7) [Backup alternate contingency long-term solution] If they
}          don't all die off in step (6), notify the C.I.A. that
}          Communists, Libyans, or whatever are trying to destroy
}          the U.S. by passing out contaminated brochures.
}
}       8) [Substitutive backup alternate contingency long-term
}          solution] Make them publish "The Watchtower" using only
}          Microsoft products.  Sit back, and watch frustration set
}          in!
}
}       9) [Final solution] Hold a J.W. convention.  Drop a
}          low-yield nuclear device on it.
}
} You owe the Oracle your version of "Mein Kampf."
} The Oracle has done his thing.


85-07    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my girlfriend's behind the most ticklish spot on her body?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wellll.  It's like this.
}
} When God created woman he decided to give her three weaknesses:
}
}  - The first weakness was a fondness for kids.
}  - The second weakness was a need for men.
}  - And the third weakness was a ticklish tush.
}
} Some people (women) think these are virtues.
} Some people (men) enjoy exploiting the third weakness.
} All men exploit the second one... <grin>
}
} You owe the oracle a feather...


85-08    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, I admire Dan Quayle.  I want to worship his spleen.  I want
> to worship his tongue.  I want to admire his cunt.  I want to worship
> his ankle.  I want to adore his penis.  I want to kiss his virtue.  I
> want to worship his soul.  I want to worship his little finger.  I want
> to kiss his neutron bomb.  I want to kiss his fist.  I want to admire
> his soul.  I want to admire his shoulder.  I want to adore his spleen.
> I want to admire his ribs.  I want to admire his chest.  I want to
> admire his rump.  I want to worship his salivary glands.  I want to
> adore his ear.  I want to admire his virtue.  I want to adore his penis.
> I want to adore his morality.  I want to kiss his forearm.  I want to
> admire his little finger.  I want to adore his toe.  I want to kiss his
> mind.  I want to admire his thigh.  I want to worship his arm.  I want
> to worship his shinbone.  I want to worship his neutron.  I want to
> worship his spirit.  I want to admire his ribs.  I want to worship his
> private region.  I want to worship his spleen.  I want to adore his
> bowels.  I want to kiss his scorpion.  I want to kiss his toe.  I want
> to worship his stomach.  I want to admire his salivary glands.  I want
> to admire his ear.  I want to kiss his lips.  I want to kiss his virtue.
> I want to worship his finger.  I want to kiss his mind.  I want to
> admire his cheeks.  I want to adore his spirit.  I want to admire his
> arm.  I want to worship his tonsils.  I want to admire his personal
> region.  I want to worship his raisin.  I want to worship his personal
> region.  I want to worship his cheeks.  I want to worship his ear.  I
> want to worship his shanks.  I want to admire his bowels.  I want to
> admire his chest.  I want to kiss his shoulder.  I want to kiss his
> spirit.  I want to admire his stomach.  I want to admire his flesh.  I
> want to worship his leg.  I want to worship his morality.  I want to
> kiss his bowels.  I want to kiss his shanks.  I want to adore his head.
> I want to admire his gall bladder.  I want to adore his virtue.  I want
> to worship his leg.  I want to kiss his hand.  I want to admire his
> mouth.  I want to adore his salivary glands.  I want to worship his
> tongue.  I want to admire his arm.  I want to admire his kneecap.  I
> want to worship his forearm.  I want to admire his liver.  I want to
> worship his cheeks.  I want to kiss his elbow.  I want to admire his
> shoulder.  I want to admire his ankle.  I want to worship his ear.  I
> want to kiss his thigh.
>
> How should I go about doing it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Although this is most peculiar behavior, I think that you'd be
} doing the country a service if you did all that in the following manner:
}
}    Go to a local hobby shop or scientific supply store and buy a
} dissection kit.  Then, get Danny-boy alone somewhere and knock him over
} the head with a heavy object (I leave the bluntness up to you).  Drag
} him to your place, get out your dissection kit, and live out all your
} fantasies.  You get what you want and everyone else gets rid of
} something they never wanted but got stuck with.
}
}     The omniscient oracle hopes you have been enlightened.


85-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My vibrator's batteries are dead!  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You could go out to your local supermarket or convenience store and buy
} replacement batteries.  Most vibrators use C-size 1.5 volt flashlight
} cells; some purse models use AAA- or AA-size penlight cells, and some
} large models use D-size batteries.  Here's how to tell:
}
}         Size of vibrator by   Batteries
}         effect s(t)imulated   required
}         -------------------   ----------
}         is it in yet?         one AAA
}         could you put it in   one AA
}          a bit deeper?
}         yawn.....             two AA's
}         oh, that's nice       one C
}         oh, that's very nice  two C's
}         OH, that's VERY uh..  one D
}         OHH!!!!!!!!           two D's
}         Ahhhhhhh......        four D's
}
} Be sure to buy alkaline for lasting potency.


85-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I so obsessed with brassieres?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, my lad, it's not brassieres you're obsessed with, it's what they
} hold.  You see, a brassiere is a treasure chest which contains another
} chest, which hopefully will contain a heart of gold which will let you
} hold the other chest.  I hope this helps.
}
} You owe the oracle two tits.


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