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Internet Oracularities #850

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850, 850-01, 850-02, 850-03, 850-04, 850-05, 850-06, 850-07, 850-08, 850-09, 850-10


Internet Oracularities #850    (112 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 3 Aug 1996 10:55:04 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   850
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

850  112 votes 3mJvb kAHa3 5rIt7 6lKx6 6drCs 6nEwb 8lyBc 6nGlk 5iFwg 7lryn
850   3.2 mean  3.2   2.5   3.1   3.1   3.6   3.2   3.2   3.2   3.3   3.4


850-01    (3mJvb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I would like to get into ham radio.
> I've got an pair of car stereo speakers, and a telephone
> handset, and an old rabbit-ear antenna, and a 6 pound ham.
> Is there anything else I need?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally a question that plumbs the depths of my knowledge!
}
} Ambitious supplicant,
}   You seem to have gathered the essentials.  Keep in mind that the
} type of ham you use will affect the areas you can reach.  A Virginia
} ham will only allow access to Kansas, for obvious reasons.  Under
} no circumstances, with your setup will you be able to reach Israel.
}
} You owe the Oracle 100 pounds of Kosher bacon bits.


850-02    (kAHa3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, hey!  You've changed addresses!  Now, all your messages
> are coming from gummy.cs.indiana.edu, instead of
> moose.cs.indiana.edu.  What prompted this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle answers:
}
}       Very observant... most people are babbling so much about
}       woodchucks and such that they miss the find points.
}
}       The answer is easy, U.S. Postal regulations caused split
}       in certain zones . . . we were affected.
}
}       By the by, watch out, next year E-mail stamps are going up...


850-03    (5rIt7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I have to come out and ask my question?  You're
> omniscient, so you already know what the question is.
> You could just answer it, without waiting for me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So!  Here we have another one of you pathetic freeloaders who expect
} everything just handed to you on a plate.  Couldn't even be bothered to
} grovel, I see.  Typical.  Still I suppose I have to help you, poor
} suffering mortal that you are...
}
} Here are the answers to all the questions you will ask for the
} remainder of your life.
}
} --
} 2 August
}
} I'm afraid that it probrably is contagious.  However, visiting him is
} the only way that you can be assured of recieving your share of the
} inheritance.  If you don't visit him, the entire fortune will go to
} your revolting cousin, Max.
} ---
} 8 August
}
} The cure for Boxienelli's Syndrome will be discovered in June, 2004 by
} Azzx`mdi Mod-izxi`q.  Azz had spent many years of his life building up
} to this discovery, using a special breed of lab rats for his
} experiments. The cure would have been discovered much earlier were it
} not for the efforts of animal rights protesters who prevented him from
} carring out the experiments on cockroaches necessary to perfecting the
} cure.
} ---
} 19 August
}
} Yes, I'm afraid that it will be quite painful, but you'll just have to
} put up with that.  As for your will, I suggest that as you can't take
} it with you, you could leave the loot back to your cousin.  After all,
} kissing the old codger was probrably a bad idea in the first place.
} ---
}
} You owe the Oracle the question of life, the universe, and everything.


850-04    (6lKx6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: <perkunas@juno.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and most puissant Oracle, whose dandruff I am unworthy to have
> fall upon me,
>
> Why are some Olympic events scored on a scale of 10, and others on a
> scale of 6?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Originally all the events were judged on a scale of 10.  However,
} this wasn't an official rule, it was just the traditional way scoring
} was done.
}  Eventually the various standards organizations decided to simplify the
} scoring in the same manner that they simplified UNIX standards.
} OSF decided on a sliding scale, with the top score equaling the
} average age of the competitors multiplied by .41.  XOPEN disagreed and
} insisted the scoring should be binary with everyone getting a 1 for
} each required element performed well and 0 if it was not done well.
} Thus a gymnast may get 11011110 if she missed two elements.  POSIX felt
} we would all get along better if everyone received the same score.
} Meanwhile, corporate sponser IBM lobbied for scores that were bigger
} than anyone felt we had a need for.
}  Eventually the ruling board for each sport picked a standard.
} Tragically, sports that picked a bad standard faded away.  Thus,
} firewalking and tomahawk throwing are no longer olympic sports.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Lavina Milosovic.


850-05    (6drCs dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: <perkunas@juno.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise,  please tell me how much wood would a wood chuck
> chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last!  I've been waiting eons for a supplicant to get this
} question right.  Usually, they mangle it terribly, and it ends
} up referring to those horrid little animals.  But you are
} obviously a carpenter, and you know what's what.
}
} Unfortunately, my Priests are not carpenters, so they don't
} know what you're talking about.  Folks, if you look at a lathe,
} you'll see a sort of cylindrical clamp, which holds the wood in
} place.  That's the chuck.  A drill has a similar arrangement
} (also called a chuck) for holding the drill bit, and in order
} to distinguish between them, the one on the lathe is called a
} wood chuck.
}
} Now on to your question.  If used improperly, a wood chuck can
} indeed chuck wood.  The amount varies according to the size of
} the lathe - a small one used by hobbyists would only be able
} to chuck about a kilogram, whereas a big industrial model could
} hurl up to 35 kilos.  Don't get in the way of that baby!  Your
} own lathe, which is probably of the most interest to you, could
} throw as much as 12.7 kilos at a go.
}
} For the record, I should mention that a wood chuck will only
} be able to chuck the wood if it is not tightened securely, or
} if the wood is off-center.  It is a tribute to your skill as a
} carpenter that you have never seen a wood chuck chuck wood.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice matched set of unchucked wooden
} candlesticks.


850-06    (6nEwb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> subscribe

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need to provide a lot more information than that before you have
} a viable offer.  What is my choice of magazines?  Prices?  Method of
} payment?  How long will it take for my subscriptions to be processed?
} Is there a money-back guarantee if I'm not completely satisfied?
} Do the proceeds benefit some charity or other worthy non-profit
} organization?  Do you enter me in a sweepstakes if I subscribe?
} What if I don't?  Is there a maximum number of subscriptions I can
} order?  Where can I get a copy of your company's financial statements
} and credit references?
}
} You owe the Oracle a good hard look at the Oracular help file.


850-07    (8lyBc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle so wise, please inform -
>
> There's this little black button on the front of this computer.  It's
> just below the power button, just to the up and left of the headphone
> hole, just to the up and right of the microphone hole, and some way to
> the right of all the pretty coloured lights.  I can't press it because
> it's one of those buttons that needs a ball point pen to press it, and
> I don't have one.
>
> What does it do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The little black button?  Oh, that is the Black Hole Overload Memory
} Button (BHOMB).  Little known to most computer users, a mini black
} hole resides at the heart of every computer.  Its sole purpose is to
} mysteriously gobble up that 100-page sales proposal that you've been
} laboring on for the past six months.  Every so often, the mini black
} hole--which does not have as big an appetite as its interstellar
} cousins--must be emptied lest it become bloated or develop a terrible
} case of indigestion.  Let me assure you, a black hole with
} indigestion or heartburn is NOT a pretty sight!  Since you obviously
} have a multimedia system, you must have noticed a full-audio, 16-bit
} sucking sound occurring every so often, usually accompanied by data
} loss and bizarre system messages, such as "Error:  Error Encountered
} During Error Processing."  This is your special little friend, hard at
} work.
}
} So you must be asking yourself:  "If it must be purged every so often,
} then must there not be a way to restore that file containing Mom's
} recipe for woodchuck with bearnaise sauce and asparagus tips, right?"
} Wrong, you silly mortal!  Access to the black hole is controlled by a
} special driver:  lbh ("little black hole").  The lbh driver is
} really nothing more than a specially designed version of the driver
} for the null file, otherwise known as the bit bucket.  Whatever goes
} into a null file is irretrievably mangled and smooshed, the basic
} working principle of Mr. Quayle's brain.
}
} So why does your computer have such a seemingly ridiculous device?
} Because its specification was mandated by ANSI in 1985 and is
} officially published as LBH00.0312-1985.  Various lobby groups, most
} notably the American Association for Electronic and Computer
} Engineers fought for inclusion of this specification as a guarantee
} that there would always be a need for technical support personnel
} whose sole job is charge customers through the nose for technical
} assistance on how to hose up their systems, and then recommend
} product upgrades that the customers really don't need and will never
} know how to use properly.
}
} So just relax and learn to live with it.  You can't avoid it.  Be
} sure to back up your files daily, although there's no real guarantee
} that that little critter in your PC won't go out for a stroll some
} day and suck up your backups as well.  Don't bother with safe deposit
} boxes, he knows how to pick locks.  Actually...he'll probably just
} eat the lock as an appetizer.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete biography of Stepen Hawking and a
} 200-page report on quantum graviational field theory.


850-08    (6nGlk dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      yo, wise Oracle person type thing,
>      Am I Satan?  And if so, hOW...YOU WILL IGNORE THIS MESSAGE.  THIS
>      BODY IS MINE NOW.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A DEMON
}  (or, You Might be Satan If...)
}
}   - Small animals burst into flame when you pet them.
}
}   - Your fondest childhood memories are of large rodents and
}       sledgehammers.
}
}   - All life ceases to exist within a 10 mile radius whenever
}       you sneeze.
}
}   - You can't go out with anyone because your date is always
}       put off by the packs of scavenging animals following
}       you everywhere.
}
}   - People at haunted houses are scared of _you_.
}
}   - Your mother constantly refers to you as her "hellspawn."
}
} You owe the Oracle a brand new car... type... thing.


850-09    (5iFwg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I convert to Judaism to marry my girlfriend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Strictly, it's not necessary.  Your kids will be Jewish anyway.  The
} question is, do you want to LOOK Jewish.  If you haven't had it cut
} off yet, it'll have to go.  I recommend you visit your rabbi NOW.  He
} will explain everything to you, including your bris.
}
} Here are several reasons NOT to convert:
}
}   1.  You are happily a Christian.
}
}   2.  You are happily an atheist.
}
}   3.  You don't care about religion.
}
}   4.  Who needs 5000 years of retroactive persecution?
}
}   5.  You already believe in The Internet Oracle.
}
}   6.  You can't stand the thought of gefilte fish.
}
}   7.  Your father is in the KKK and would have apoplexy under his hood.
}
}   8.  Your mother makes excellent chicken soup already, and there's
}       something she's never told you.
}
} There are dozens more reasons.  Your rabbi will tell you all of them.
}
} You owe the Oracle your promise to show this Oracular answer to your
} rabbi.


850-10    (7lryn dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Good evening, my name is Lucas, and I'll be your Supplicant tonight.
> Before you answer, let me tell you about our specials.
>
> First, we have a meaning-of-life tonight, very profound, comes with
> a fine grovel and your choice of beverage.  If you're looking for
> something lighter, we have our Geek Special, how can I get a date,
> excellent with our house whine.  If you're in the mood for something
> unusual, there's the Chef's Surprise.  Fresh punctuation on a bed of
> gibberish, in a cheesy sauce, definitely exotic and
> out-of-the-ordinary. And as always, Sir, we have our Specialty of the
> House, the Woodchuck question, fried, grilled or blackened to order,
> comes with a side of Spam.
>
> Are you ready to answer, or do you need a few more minutes to decide?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How about spam, spam, spam, blackened woodchuck, spam, spam, spam and
} spam? I'd also like a nice bottle of the house whine, please.


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