[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 17:07:22 GMT

Internet Oracularities #852

Goto:
852, 852-01, 852-02, 852-03, 852-04, 852-05, 852-06, 852-07, 852-08, 852-09, 852-10


Internet Oracularities #852    (98 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 17 Aug 1996 10:12:27 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   852
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

852   98 votes 7kxu8 aoEh7 27ouz 8lDr3 6qIj3 3pwv7 2bCyd 8msqe 8fpxh 6gyll
852   3.2 mean  3.1   2.9   3.9   3.0   2.9   3.1   3.5   3.2   3.4   3.4


852-01    (7kxu8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We just had a system crash on our Novell server here.  I reinstalled
> most of the applications, but some of our customer databases were
> corrupt.  We run a backup system, but it's always such a pain to go
> alllllll the way to the server room and swap the tapes every day.  I've
> been doing it monthly (since my boss actually makes me give him the
> monthly tapes to take off-site).  The crash happened on July 26th and I
> still haven't had the heart to tell him I lost over a million dollars
> in billing information.
>
> My question, I guess, is:  Should I just type in a whole bunch of names
> and bogus credit card numbers to make up the difference, should I
> duplicate the month of June into the July database, or should I just
> suck it in and put the month of July on my own credit card and call it
> a learning experience?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Oracle gets up from his console] This one is making my head spin.  I
} think I'll go get a drink first!  [Leaves]
}
} [Some moments later, Lisa walks in, snooping around cautiously.]  Hey,
} a question! [Sits down at the console, typing] {{
}
} If you can't recover the information, don't do anything dishonest...
} just accept the possibility that you might be in deep scooby snacks.
} But you need to try a recovery first.
}
} When my experiment in multithreaded parallel processing fiber
} optic/superconductor microkernel operating systems crashed the Oracular
} console, I was fortunately able to fix it myself, but if I hadn't I
} would have taken it to "Drivesavers".  I heard that they once saved a
} powerbook that had been submerged at the bottom of the Amazon for 2
} days.  Well, whenever Orrie^H^H^H^H^HZadoc runs into trouble, he calls
} them.
}
} There's a little known feature in Novell such that at the location on
} the physical drive where the file node tree begins, there's a raw
} string "TNSH". (Stands for "The Node Starts Here", I guess someone at
} Novell's a history buff.)  If the Drivesavers people can find that
} location, they may be able to retrieve enough filehandles to save a
} good amount of your data. And then you won't be up a credit creek.
}
} On the bright side, at least it didn't happen to you while joyriding in
} an SR-71 while travelling MACH 3 in the stratosphere.  I didn't enjoy
} fixing that hardware problem, let me tell you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of chocolates, labeled, so that I know what
} I'm gonna get.
} }}
}
} [Lisa gets up.] Mmm, chocolates.  [Runs off to solve Fermat's last
} theorem, finish her P vs. NP proof, and beat DOOM on "NIGHTMARE!"
} difficulty level with one life.]


852-02    (aoEh7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is my mail system failing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you checked to see that everything's plugged in properly?
} No loose connections?  Yes, I know you're not a total novice, but you
} know how things are.  Debugging from a distance like this, I have to
} cover all the bases.
}
} Okay, the next thing to check is the mai


852-03    (27ouz dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell, Great Ones, which is better: Star Wars or Star Trek?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Star Wars                         Star Trek
}       ---- ----                         ---- ----
}
} Takes place long ago, in a      Takes place in the future, in
} galaxy far, far away.           a galaxy very near.
}
} Lots of sequels. More on        Lots of sequels. More on
} the way, including spinoffs.    the way, including spinoffs.
}
} Young hothead (Luke Skywalker)  Young hothead (Wesley Crusher)
} matures and learns to use       matures and learns that he has
} strange mental powers.          strange mental powers.
}
} Humans run the galaxy.          Humans run the galaxy.
}
} Aloof princess needs help.      Aloof Betazoid offers help.
}
} Action toys sell well.          Action toys sell poorly.
}
} Strange alien (Yoda) offers     Strange alien (Spock) offers
} moral guidance.                 logical guidance.
}
} Annoying 'droid (C3PO) has      Annoying android (Data) has
} a stupid name, talks funny,     a stupid name, talks funny,
} walks funny, and gets           walks funny, and gets
} partially disassembled from     partially disassembled from
} time to time.                   time to time.
}
} You've got a good chance        You've got a good chance
} of being killed off if          of being killed off if
} you're wearing a Storm          you're wearing a red
} Trooper uniform.                shirt.
}
} Frequent explosions in          Frequent explosions in
} vacuum violate laws of          vacuum violate laws of
} physics.                        physics.
}
} Darth Vader is actually         Dr. Crusher is actually
} Luke's father, and Princess     Wesley's mother.
} Leia is actually Luke's
} sister.                         Well, duh.
}
} Cute ewoks cause problems,      Cute tribbles cause problems,
} then turn out to be helpful     then turn out to be helpful
} in the end. They also           in the end. They also
} provide some comic relief.      provide some comic relief.
}
} Major characters get killed     Major characters get killed
} sometimes but come back         occasionally but come back
} later as benevolent ghostly     later as special guest
} appearances.                    appearances.
}
} Without the special effects,    Without the special effects,
} would have five minutes of      would have five minutes of
} screen time.                    screen time.
}
} Hotheaded pilot (Han Solo)      Hotheaded pilot (Tom Paris)
} has been in trouble with        has been in trouble with
} the authorities.                the authorities.
}
} Evil beings who want to         Evil beings who want to
} take over the galaxy live       take over the galaxy live
} in a city-sized spherical       in a city-sized cubical
} spacecraft.                     spacecraft.
}
} Space warp will get you there,  Space warp will get you there,
} unless it's broken.             unless it's broken.
}
} Never let the laws of           Never let the laws of
} physics spoil a good plot.      physics spoil a good plot.
}
} Aliens eat strange food,        Aliens eat strange food,
} and speak strange languages.    and speak good English.
}
} Nobody wears a space suit.      Nobody wears a space suit.
}
} Everything gets solved in       Everything gets solved in
} the last few minutes.           the last few minutes.
}
} Space weapons look cool.        Space weapons look cool.
}
} Large furry alien (Chewbacca)   Large furry alien (Worf)
} speaks a strange language       speaks a strange language
} but still understands           but still understands
} English. He is always           English. He is always
} gruff but helpful.              gruff but helpful.
}
} In the end, you can win if      In the end, you can win if
} you turn off your high-         you turn on your high-
} tech gadgets and use            tech gadgets and use
} the Force when it's needed.     force when it's needed.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as g. t. <na53711@anon.penet.fi>) a
} shorter wait for new episodes.


852-04    (8lDr3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh Oracle, who is infinitely wise whether your priests refer to
> you as "TUO" or "TIO", please help this unworthy supplicant.
>
>       I have placed two calls to two different businesses in Hong Kong.
> Both business placed me on hold (such is life, even at trans-Pacific
> rates.)  Both businesses, however, played the same tacky rendition of
> Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" while I waited.
>
>       Is this a sign of a world-wide conspiracy or has the Orient
> replaced its culture with a bastardized Western European one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Conspiracy?  No conspiracy, chum!  But you,  SUPPLICANT   could be the
} Internet Oracle's NEXT LUCKY WINNER!!!!!!
}
} Did you get the pinging in the back?  The rhythm?  All you have to do
} now is use the decoder ring you,  SUPPLICANT   got from that box of
} Lucky Charms when you were 8 (you DID keep it, didn't you?), and you,
} SUPPLICANT   get the grand prize!
}
} Suffice as to say it is well worth looking for that ring.  Chauncy
} Walters of Essex did, and hear what he has to say...
}
} "When I first heard "In the Hall of the Mountain King" playing over
} the hold line during a call to Tel Aviv, I thought 'Wow, this is
} terrible.'  Then I heard the pings in the background, and suddenly
} remembered the treasure map I got in the Cracker Jack box and it all
} fit together!  Now I have a bank account that is mysteriously
} replenished with billions of dollars every year, governments are
} pawns on my chessboard of life, and the babes can't get enough of me!
} I owe it all to the Lucky Oracularities Sweepstakes Clearinghouse."
}
} All you have to do,  SUPPLICANT   is send your full name, address,
} market preferences and brand loyalties for a wide variety of products,
} and a cheque to cover the processing fee of $1500 US, and you,
} SUPPLICANT could be well on your way to joining Chauncey!  Wouldn't you
} like that  SUPPLICANT  ?
}
} You,   SUPPLICANT   owe the Oracle a horrifically decorated van with
} two dorks and a big fake cashier's check for a gazillion dollars.


852-05    (6qIj3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, master of all communications technologies,
>
> What are the comparative advantages and disadvantages between ham
> radio and IRC?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HAM RADIO                            | IRC
} -------------------------------------+----------------------------------
} Multiple frequencies to choose from  | Multiple channels to choose from
}                                      |
} No connect charges                   | Some ISPs charge per minute
}                                      |
} Expensive equipment that you have to | Use PC in computer lab at school
} maintain                             |
}                                      |
} Talk only to other hams              | Talk only to other geeks
}                                      |
} Good with pineapple                  | Pretty tasteless any way you
}                                      | look at it
}                                      |
} Fair quality voice transmission      | Text only
}                                      |
} FCC license required                 | ANY1 KAN UZ 1T, D00D!!!!1!1
}                                      |
} Doesn't waste Internet Oracle's time | Doesn't waste Internet Oracle's
}                                      | time
}
} The last one is the most important criterion, of course, so basically
} they're both equally good.
}
} You owe the Oracle a whole bunch more time spent on IRC or the ham
} radio. Your choice.


852-06    (3pwv7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I have a newbie question.
>
> Sometimes, when I ask you a question, I get a response from you that
> says, "The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!"
> And then there's a question after it.  Well, usually it's a question.
> I was just wondering how badly you need these answers... would it
> be better for me to give you a quick answer that's really crappy, or
> hold onto it until I can actually think of a good answer?  (Bear in
> mind that I'm not omniscient like you, so that could take a really
> long time.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen here, kid.  You've been working for us for what?...one week?
} I thought at first that you would work out, mesh in with the rest of
} the team like a cog in a well-oiled machine.  But now...I just don't
} know.  Let me be frank with you: Do you like your job.  I mean:  Do
} you REALLY like your job?
}
} What I'm getting at, kid, is there's a whole gaggle of geeks out
} there who would be more than happy to take your place.  They don't
} care about the long hours.  They don't mind working weekends.  They
} don't eat, the don't sleep, and goodness forbid they should have
} plans for Saturday night!  All we need to do is give them caffeine,
} junk food, UNIX, and all the silly sci-fi broadcasts they care to
} watch until their eyes go Pop-Tart and roll around on the floor.
} It's indentured servitude, twentieth-century style, and they don't
} care, because this is geek heaven to them.  We don't need whiny
} little whimps like you.
}
} So think about it, kid.  Do you really wish to be out there--in the
} real world?  Where you have to...interconnect and relate to other
} human beings?  Where you're required to make a living?  Where the
} best computer system you'll probably be able to afford is a
} second-hand 386/25 that someone had marked down to $120 at a garage
} sale?  Do you really want AOL to be your window on the Internet?  Is
} that what you want?  Huh?  Think about it, kid, because we could
} replace you in the blink of an eye, and don't think you'll be missed.
} You let me know by the end of the day whether you're really committed
} to stay on and make this thing work out, OK?
}
} Now get back out on the floor.  And don't let me see you referring to
} your thesauruses and dictionaries and grammars again!
}
} You owe the Oracle a report on employee morale and a lifetime supply
} of food stamps.


852-07    (2bCyd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle,
>
> It is my sad duty to inform you that, due to an upsurge in supply
> (because of a lack of zotting) and a downturn in demand (the
> supplicants seem to have gotten the zotting message), your woodchuck
> shares have dropped 20% of their value.
>
> I would have thought you'd have seen that coming.
>
> Please supply further instructions.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Eugene Smith,
> Smith, Smith, Smith, Smith, Smith, Smith and Dalrymple,
> Stockbrokers.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn.
}
} Okay, here's what you do. Use the options I got in the Gondwanaland
} merger to convert the common woodchuck stock to preferred before it
} drops any lower. Then we can use the preferred stock (along with the
} IBM shares Lisa's father gave us) as collateral to buy pork belly
} futures, convert the pork bellies into ground hogmeat, convert the
} ground hogmeat into groundhog meat, and sell it off before anyone
} realizes that groundhogs and woodchucks *are the same thing*.
}
} (Sure it's "trading on inside information". When you're the Oracle,
} what other kind of trading is there?)
}
} You owe the Oracle fair market value for all those timberwood futures
} he had to chuck.


852-08    (8msqe dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, i'm from Sydney, Australia. Where are you from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, my friendly little companionable grovelless supplicant, the
} answer to your question is rather simple.
}
} Remember that childhood tale of the boy in tight green hose and vest,
} flying about the sky, with a cute little fairy dancing about sprinkling
} her fairy dust upon the happy supplicants?  The part about that story
} relative to your question deals with the statement:
}    Second star to the right, and straight on till morning.
}
} This has absolutely nothing to do with where I'm from.
}
} Perchance you can remember something about theology and a journey into
} the heavens, where a fabulous realm is located behind a beautiful,
} arched set of cute pearly gates, or even a frightfully hot, ungroveling
} supplicant infested place of fire and brimstone?
}
} These realms also exist apart from mine.
}
} Is there a possibility you remember last August when you asked the gas
} station attendant about how to get to local condom shop?  Where he
} hitched up his oil stained trousers, professionally scratched at his
} backside, and grunted while gesturing toward the north?
}
} Such mortal locations hold no bearing on my locale.
}
} Perhaps someone offended you the other day, and you told them to "Stick
} it up your A__"
}
} Nope, not in there either, am I?
}
} Perhaps you can recall eating twinkies the other day, while reading the
} ingredients list on the package, not understanding one single word, and
} thinking to yourself, "*Gag* What do they put in these things?"
}
} They are devoid of Oracles, I assure you.
}
} Perhaps you've been reading the Usenet lately, and shaking your head at
} all the strange and childish newbies who fail to get the grasp that the
} internet is a community thing, and you ask yourself, "Gawd, where DO
} they all come from?"
}
} Nowhere near me, I assure you.
}
} Perhaps you've had the pleasure of listening to a politician ramble on
} for hours on end with no discernable purpose, and you ask yourself, "Is
} this leading anywhere?"
}
} Certainly not toward me.
}
} Can you recollect from your childhood when your sibling would come
} around, taunt you, try to tickle you, pick your nose, and make
} disgusting noises while you were trying to talk to your friends on the
} phone.  While all you could do was think about your sibling's brain and
} think, "Jeeezz! Is there anyone in there?"
}
} I'm definitely not.
}
} Remember when you woke up with that roach crawling about your head and
} totally freaked out?  Following that you scattered Roach Motels(tm) all
} about your residence and waited, slobberingly for the roaches to check
} in. The next morning you woke up and checked for new roach-renters?
}
} I wasn't in there, was I?
}
} Can you recollect, staring at your closet at night, and trying to
} figure out what form of monster lived in there?
}
} Not me.
}
} Remember those days of scanning the map, hoping to find the secret
} islands holding Gilligan, Wonder Woman, and Tattoo?
}
} Well, they aren't near me.
}
} So, Where am I, you ask.....?
}
} Back to your question of course.
}
} You owe the Internet Oracle two roach motels, a twinkie and an
} autographed picture of Tattoo.


852-09    (8fpxh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Stupendous and most grandiose Oracle of The Internet, knowledgeable
> in the ways of all things, enlightened to the point where The
> Priesthood need shades, Blight of woodchucks, Keeper of the Seven
> Sacred Seals, Wielder of the Unholy Power of ZOT!, He Who Is Never
> Described As "A bit shit really", King of the Land Of Learning,
> Teacher of the Misplaced Supplicant, Possessor of Cool Haircuts and
> "Nice strides guv.", tell me this...
> Has the human race achieved ANYTHING it can be justly proud of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} %talk humanrace@collec.tiveconscious.ness.org
} [Connected to host]
} >Yes?
}
} Have you achieved anything of which you can be justly proud?
}
} >Huh?
}
} Look up.  I'm not typing it again.
}
} >What's achieve?
}
} Jesus H. Christ...is there ANYTHINg you are proud of?
}
} >Um...
}
} Just a minute...stay there...
}
} ^Z
} Stopped
}
} %finger humanrace@collec.tiveconsciousness.org
}
} User name: humanrace                      Directory: /dev/null
} In Real Life: Clueless
} Idle Time 20 seconds.
} Unread mail since Begnning of Time.
}
} Project: None.
}
} Plan:  To screw everything in sight.  To hopelessly mar the only planet
} capable of supporting life.  To eat Crisco.  To brush my teeth with
} contraceptive jelly.  To^C
}
} %fg
}
} >Hey whass goin on
}
} Never mind.  I figured it out.
}
} You owe the oracle a less depressing question.


852-10    (6gyll dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (Otis and/or Jane)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Once upon a midnight dreary, as I pondered weak and weary, over
>      many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore ...
>
>      It suddenly occurred to me to wonder why the heck I was still at
>      work, and what had possessed me to ever look in that dog-eared
>      Fortran book! O mighty Oracle, whose cognitive powers are dwarfed
>      only by his roguish good looks, please heed your puzzled
>      supplicant's plea, and help me understand whether I am going mad,
>      or if there is a different, perhaps even sinister, meaning to all
>      of this!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was many a year ago,
} In a company by the shore,
} That a language arose which you may know
} By the name of FORTRAN IV;
} And this language it lived with no other thought
} Than to program machines of yore.
}
} I was a newbie and it was brand new,
} In this company by the shore;
} But I coded such works that were more than men's dreams-
} I and my FORTRAN IV;
} With programs that junior workers at DEC
} Coveted all the more.
}
} And this was the reason that, long ago,
} In this company by the shore,
} A language blew out of a cloud, chilling
} My beautiful FORTRAN IV;
} So that the high-born salesmen came
} And bore it away from me,
} To shut it up in the old backup tapes
} And replace it with Visual C.
}
} Young Ritchie, not half so happy in Unix,
} Went envying me for sure-
} Yes!-that was the reason (as all men know,
} In this company by the shore)
} That the C came out of a cloud by night,
} Chilling and killing my FORTRAN IV.
}
} But my code it was stronger by far than the hacks
} Of those who are youngsters so poor-
} Of those who remember no lore-
} And neither the angels in heaven above,
} Nor the demons down under the floor,
} Can ever dessever my soul from the soul
} Of the beautiful FORTRAN IV.
}
} For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams
} Of the beautiful FORTRAN IV;
} And the stars never rise, but I see the bright "I"s
} Of the beautiful FORTRAN IV;
} And so, all the night-tides, I riffle the sides
} Of the card deck that deep in my cabinet hides,
} In its sepulchre there by the shore,
} In the tomb of my FORTRAN IV.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cask of Amontillado.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org