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Internet Oracularities #853

Goto:
853, 853-01, 853-02, 853-03, 853-04, 853-05, 853-06, 853-07, 853-08, 853-09, 853-10


Internet Oracularities #853    (99 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 24 Aug 1996 19:39:40 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   853
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

853   99 votes 8qzka 5ewCa 8hvud 4fGrb 8xvp2 6oLe8 esCg3 3bnxt 6ctvl 4pEo6
853   3.1 mean  3.0   3.3   3.2   3.3   2.8   2.9   2.7   3.7   3.5   3.0


853-01    (8qzka dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a multifaceted question! I've never seen something so wonderful in
} all my life! And, well, thank you for the extreme compliment, calling
} me a super user who is the root of all your life's answers... wait a
} minute! Maybe you mean something more... Let's look at the definition
} for this symbol (out of the Jargon File (published as the New Hacker's
} Dictionary)):
}
}     #
}         Common: number sign; pound; pound sign; hash; sharp;
}         crunch; hex; mesh.  Rare: grid; crosshatch; octothorpe;
}         flash; square, pig-pen; tictactoe; scratchmark; thud;
}         thump; splat.
}
} Well, the first one, "number sign", is pretty obvious, as is "pound
} sign", even though it confuses our UK counterparts. I don't think
} there's anything hidden in those two, unless, of course, you mean to
} pound me with a street sign...
}
} Let see; pound... I hope you're not planning on giving me a pounding,
} or I'll have to get nasty. I'm not liking the violent trend this is
} taking... Maybe you want to give me some money? Good exchange rates,
} these days, I hear...
}
} Hash: Not feeling all that hungry at the moment; maybe I've had too
} much? Either that, or you want me to become addicted to spuds...
}
} Sharp: Well, you're sure not. At least, not as sharp as I am. And
} there's that violence again...
}
} Crunch: Look at this, either you're hungry, or you want to crunch my
} bones! More violence!
}
} Hex: Good grief! Are you a pagan, too? Wanting to hex all my work? If
} there's one thing I cannot stand, it's violence!
}
} Mesh: This one is a little tougher to figure, but it could mean
} mosquito netting. That's it! You want to kill me like a bug! More
} violence!
}
} Grid: Well, this one's a little more harmless, thank the gods... Maybe
} you're thinking of the gridiron? Hut-hut-hut!
}
} Crosshatch: Another pretty harmless one. Looking for a simple Windoze
} background pattern are you?
}
} Octothorpe: You're getting quite weird...
}
} Flash: No, you can't take any pictures of me! Especially not *that*
} way! Now, close up your jacket and go away, or I'll have to zot
} something!
}
} Square: Yes, you are.
}
} Pig-pen: Well, I know it gets a little messy in here at times, but I'm
} so busy answering all these bloody questions all day long that I have
} little time for temple cleaning. Either that, or you mean to pen me up
} like a pig, and possibly poke me! Egads, more violence!
}
} Tictactoe: No, I'm too busy answering questions to play simple games
} with you. Go ask your niece!
}
} Scratchmark: Again, violence! I mean, I may like it when Lisa scratches
} my back, but she doesn't try to draw blood!
}
} Thud: Uh, oh. I'd better check for 16-ton weights before continuing. I
} cannot believe the hostility you're showing towards me...
}
} Thump: You want a fight, do you? You must, with everything you've been
} suggesting by your question!
}
} *SPLAT*
}
} You owe the Oracle a spatula to scrape you up with, and a trip to an
} anger therapist.


853-02    (5ewCa dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise and benevolent Oracle, whose fortune cookie I am not fit
> to bring to the table (much less break open for you).  Tell me the
> answer I seek to this question...
>
> After eating Chinese food the other day, I received a fortune that read
> "The Reward of Life is Yours."  What is this reward of which my fortune
> speaks?  Do I need to go somewhere to collect it, or will it be mailed
> to my house?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you return the winning number before the end of time, we'll say:
}
} "JOE SUPPLICANT, YOU'VE WON THE REWARD OF LIFE!!!!"
}
} Yes, that's right, Joe Supplicant, the Reward of Life is yours if you
} have and return the winning number before the end of the world.  But be
} sure to act now, because if you wait until the afterlife to return your
} winning number, it'll be too late!  When the end of time comes, if we
} don't have YOUR winning number, we'll draw another one and give the
} Reward of Life to somebody else!  Then we'll call you on the phone and
} TELL you that you lost and make you, Joe Supplicant, feel like a moron
} for the rest of eternity!
}
} And you have another chance to win, Joe Supplicant!  If you send your
} entry in before the end of the millenium, you will have a SECOND CHANCE
} TO WIN! Yes, you're reading correctly!  Just affix the enclosed Bonus
} Sticker to your entry form and make sure it's postmarked before January
} 1, 2001, and YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING WILL BE DOUBLED!  Yes, that's
} right, DOUBLE THE CHANCE TO WIN THE REWARD OF LIFE!
}
} What, you ask, is so great about this Reward of Life anyway?  Joe
} Supplicant, the Reward of Life is a product of Grand Unified
} Industries, Inc. and is widely known as one of the most diverse and
} functional set of biochemical reactions in the universe.  Here's just a
} few of the features of the Reward of Life you will be receiving when
} you return the winning number:
}
}   - Deoxyribonucleic Acid based Heredity Functions
}   - The complete set of Higher Consciousness and Self-Awareness options
}   - A fully functional Bipedal Locomotion option
}   - Two five-digit Environmental Manipulater Units with one Opposable
}     Thumb each
}   - A complete set of Emotions and Feelings, including angst, anger,
}     happiness, sadness, jealousy, lust, contentment, revenge --
}     Everything you expect in a higher life form!  We'll even include
}     Love and Hate!
}
} But remember, Joe Supplicant, if you don't return the winning number on
} time, WE'LL GIVE THE REWARD OF LIFE TO SOMEBODY ELSE, and then MAKE YOU
} FEEL LIKE A COMPLETE MORON FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY!
}
} As if all this weren't a great offer, we're also including a huge array
} of inexpensive magazine subscriptions that we know you'll be interested
} in!  Just affix the appropriate stamps to your entry form, and you'll
} start receiving your new subscriptions next month!  No need to send
} money, you'll be billed later!
}
} So send in your winning number now, Joe Supplicant, and don't miss your
} chance to win the Reward of Life.  And remember, if you reply before
} January 1, 2001, you'll have DOUBLE the chance to win!
}
}                               Sincerely,
}
}                               S. Being
}                               President of Everything
}
} PS: You owe the Oracle a plate of Angry Chicken and the odds of
} winning.


853-03    (8hvud dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pj ptsv;r. ejp [tryrmfd yp lmpe oy s;;.
>
> O fpm y trs;;u nr;rovr upi str P,midvormt. dp O frvofrf yp ,slr yjid
> trs;;u do,[;r yrdy got upi, yp [tpbr upi strm y )pt ,sunr str. niy O
> yti;u fpiny oy_/
>
> Og upi omfrrf str p,modvormy. yjrm oy djpi;f nr mp [tpn;r, gpt upi yp
> frvu[jrt yjod do,[;r vpfr smd smdert ,u ,rddshr.
>
> Og upi vsm y. jperbrt. O eo;; jsbr [tpbrm upi str mpy ejsy upi v;so,
> upi str. smd upi epm y rbrm lmpe oy >rbo; htom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      "LISA!"
}
}      <Yes, Orrie?!>
}
}      "Have you seen that old "Decoder Ring for Geeks +4" some
}      supplicant gave me after Clinton was elected?"
}
}      <Did you try the desk, dear?>
}
}      "Of COURSE I tried the desk.....dear. Where was it when you
}      cleaned up last?"
}
}      <When -I- did WHAT?!>
}
}      "I'm sorry. Wrong phraseology. Where did you see it last?"
}
}      <That Joel fellow had it.>
}
}      "And Joel went out with....Zadoc! Slither in here immediately!"
}
}      ........S
}
}      "That's better. Now, to get out of your current 'condition', can
}      you tell me where the "Decoder Ring for Geeks +4" is?"
}
}      Zadoc nods.
}
}      "Careful!! You drip venom on the shag, and Lisa will make boots
}      out of you!"
}
}      Zadoc carefully nods, grovelly furtively.
}
}      "Very good. Now GET ME THAT RING!"
}
}      Zadoc slithers under the desk. Much knocking about is heard,
}      followed by a burp. Zadoc appears with the ring in his fangs.
}
}      "Well done, good and faithful serpent." Orrie takes the ring. "and
}      now..."
}
}      <ZOT!>
}
}      "Thank you, Massssssssssster."
}
}      "You're welcome. I'm sure you'll get used to the tongue. Again, no
}      more posting JPG's of Lisa on my home page. Get out."
}
}      Zadoc departs.
}
}      The Oracle ponders the message, and resorts to the Geek decoder
}      ring.
}
}      "Hmm....ah....humph! Really.....fine."
}      ...
}
}      So, pal, you put your message into some geeky code, don't grovel,
}      belittle my omniscience, seek to test me, and have the NERVE to
}      grin about it afterwards?
}
}      I'm the Oracle, pal. You think I don't receive messages from
}      supplidiots like yourself, but using PGP without giving me the
}      key! If I can do that, I can handle moving my hands one key over
}      on a keyboard!
}
}      BTW,  it's "believe", not "beleice"; "Omniscient", not
}      "Omnuscienr"; "this", not "thus"; "for", not "fir". And you can't
}      use periods to end a sentence.
}
}       ZZZZZ  OOOOO  TTTTT  !!
}          Z   O   O    T    !!
}         Z    O   O    T    !!
}        Z     O   O    T    !!
}       ZZZZZ  OOOOO    T    ..
}
}      You owe The InterNet Oracle (Caps intended, as incarnated as
}      eadams@ndcwireless.com) a really, REALLY good code. <Sheesh!>
}
}      oh oracle, who pretends to know it all,
}
}        i don't really beleice you are Omnuscienr, so I decided to make
}        thus really simple test fir youm to prove you aren't (or maybe
}        are, but I truly doubt it).
}
}        If you indeed are omniscient, then it should be no problem for
}        you to decypher this simple code ans answer my messagem
}
}        If you can't, however, I will have proven you are not what you
}        claim you are, ans you won't even know it <evil grin>


853-04    (4fGrb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (Otis Viles)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't have a lot of money but I want to have my family history
> traced. Other than running for public office, what is the easiest and
> cheapest way of going about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lay a sheet of translucent paper on top of your family history. Use a
} pen to exactly duplicate the markings visible through the paper. A
} simple and inexpensive procedure, is it not?
}
} You owe the Oracle a pantograph.


853-05    (8xvp2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, please enlighten this humble supplicant...
> Wy do all of my Oracular answers seem to end up being judged by
> Otis Viles?  Is there some sort of karmic attraction between us,
> perhaps?  Are we "soulmates" or some sort of mystical thing like
> that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is hardly something so interesting as "karmic attraction" or
} "soulmates" or such.  Poor Otis just has been assigned to peruse the
} stupidest five percent of the Oracularies.  The fact that he keeps
} coming up with yours is just an unlucky coincidence.
}
} You owe the Oracle a free elevator.


853-06    (6oLe8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the English language kind of stupid sometimes. For example why
> is a drive-way called driveway when it should really be called
> parkway, and why is a parkway called parkway when it should really be
> called driveway. You drive on a parkway, you dont park.  You park on
> a driveway, you dont drive.  Can someone like you with an extremely
> high IQ level, explain this to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Years ago, sometime in between the Space and the Dark Ages, cars were
} just catching on and some people were concerned that they were exposed
} to the elements while not being used.  They went to the great thinkers
} of their time and asked them what to do.
}
} PERSON: Help!  Our horseless carriages are exposed to the elements
} while in storage!
}
} GREAT THINKER:  Why, your newfangled automobiles will always be exposed
} to the elements.  The elements make up everything around us, the air,
} the ground, everything.  The only way to get your horseless carriage
} away from the elements would be to encase it in a vacuum, but it is
} doubtful you could do this without the help of God, or at least a good
} vacuum cleaner.
}
} PERSON:  Ah, sorry I asked.
}
} So the people insulted the great thinkers' ancestry, and the great
} thinkers made elitist comments about the people's upbringing, and the
} two groups went back to their business.  Later, a paving company,
} trying to find a gimmick through which they could get more money, came
} up with the concept of driving the horseless carriage down a small
} little road and into a shed of some sort.  This quickly caught on, and
} the company made millions.  The little road was named a drive-way
} because they drove their car down it.  The name "garage" comes from the
} sound people made when they inhaled the carbon monoxide filled air of
} the shed.
}
} Much later on, people drove much faster horseless carriages.  Their
} automobiles were a lot safer, so they began to look at the scenery
} instead of wondering when and if their car would explode.  They noticed
} that the scenery around the roads was ugly and complained about it.
} The environmentalists complained about the pollutants created by the
} cars.  Thus trees were planted by many roads to make them look better
} and to absorb some of the pollution.  This also made the car companies
} and repair companies happy because if someone goes off the road and
} hits a tree, they will have to repair or replace the car.  In this way
} it satisfied everyone.  The roads were termed "parkways" because they
} were supposed to look like a park. Usually this means they are roads
} flanked by weak saplings which need to be supported by rods and look
} artificial.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ADC atlas of Cincinnati.


853-07    (esCg3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wonderfully great Oracle who has been around since before
> time itself but has never gotten bored: I remember back when I first
> discovered your great Oracular presence and started sending questions
> and answers to the Oracle, there was much talk of secret codes needed
> to get into the Oracularities. This seems to have been hushed up
> lately, so I've been forced to conclude that these codes do insist,
> and that some sort of trade was made where the Priests gave certain
> incarnations the codes and in return the incarnations have promised
> never to mention them again, which explains their current absence.
> Is this really true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} X-Oracularity-Code: The purple water runs uphill.
}
} No, of course not.  That's just a rumor.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Captain Crunch decoder ring.


853-08    (3bnxt dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Furry Oracle, whose car I am not worthy to drive off
> a cliff,
>
> I've been thinking of starting a flamewar. Preferably me
> versus an entire Usenet group, as I excell at that. I
> plan to find some great, busy, *unmoderated* group that
> hasn't had a good solid flamewar in over a year. I will
> then read the FAQ, and take special note of what not to
> do, preferably something the entire group is probably a
> little sensitive about. Then I will make a post or series
> of posts that totally break the rules of the FAQ. When
> people start to complain, I will tell them that they
> *obviously* don't understand the FAQ. If it appears that
> the arguements starting to go to E-mail, then I will make
> a series of *new* posts, designed to lure as many newcomers
> into the flamewar as possible. You would think that after
> a while people would start ignoring me, but believe me,
> I'm experienced in these areas, and it never happens.
> Before long, the entire newsgroup has descended into chaos.
>
> So, Orrie, all I need now is a newsgroup I can do my work
> in. Would you be so kind as to suggest one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Might I suggest microsoft.public.netiquette? Here are some helpful
} topics you might be able to use.
}
}       Dole for President -- Perot for Vice President!
}
}       Where can I get a free Internet connection to the WWW?
}
}       WHAT DOES THE CAPS LOCK KEY DO IN VISUAL BASIC. ITS ON MY
}       KEYBOARD AND ITS NOT IN THE MANUAL ANYPLACE I LOOKED.
}
}       Netscape doesn't work any more. How come/
}
}       The government is putting secret bugging devices inside your hard
}       drive to see what you're doing. I opened mine up (there are a lot
}       of stickers about "warranty void" that they put on there just to
}       keep you from looking) and I found a tiny gadget inside that
}       records everything you put on your hard drive for the GOVERNMENT!
}
}       Who's in charge of this bbs, and is he really a millionaire?
}
}       Any hot babes want to talk dirty to me? Call 1-900-555-1212.
}
}       This bbs sux big time. Are there any others?
}
}       Perot for President -- Bill Gates for vice president!
}
}       This is a test message because my modem is broken.
}
}       I saw a newsgroup last week that was talking about making a new
}       newsgroup. Which one was it?
}
}       What's a cascade?
}
}       I only bought Windows 95 because it's supposed to make my
}       computer work just like a Macintosh. But I can't get MacWrite to
}       work. How come?
}
}       If you don't like my messages, then you're obviously just
}       harassing me because I'm a woman. Also, I'm into girl-girl
}       action, so if you can send me any pictures or gifs that would be
}       good.
}
}       How do you put sounds onto your web pages? I'm using Visual
}       Basic, if it matters.
}
}       Bill Gates for President! (I was just kidding about Perot.)
}
}       How can I post messages here? Answer by email because I can't
}       read this group.
}
}       How can I fix my email? Answer here in the newsgroup, because I
}       think my email is broken. I asked this last week and I still
}       haven't gotten any answers.
}
}       I'm using Oracle version 7. How do I make a new database? It has
}       to have places for zip codes.
}
}       How can I get a cool anonymous address like g. t.
}       <na53711@anon.penet.fi>?
}
}       Can somebody please send me Windows 95? I think I erased my CD.
}       It was an accident.
}
}       I want to make a new newsgroup to talk about Kurt Cobain. I want
}       to call it microsoft.talk.about.kurt.cobain. What do I do now?
}
}       You people are making Jesus very sad.
}
}       Last week you told me how to turn off call waiting, but now
}       nobody can call me when I'm on the WWW. What did I do wrong?
}
}       How can I get my own email address? Write to me at
}       username@localhost.
}
}       Quayle for President! Four more years!
}
}       Does anybody know how to use the DELTREE command? I was fooling
}       around with it yesterday, and now my computer won't start, so I'm
}       using a friend's.  But it doesn't work on his, either.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of marshmallows and some sharpened sticks.


853-09    (6ctvl dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  What is the $50,000 question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "What do I owe the Oracle?"


853-10    (4pEo6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thundering Oracle, I am bowled over by your supreme intellect.  My
> slightly furled brow is totally flattened by the mere thought of your
> massive dome, the wrinkles on your forehead, and the incredible
> Omniscience you wield.  Not to mention that I'm more or less
> terrified of your brobdingnagian ZOT.
>
> What I need is sage advice, and I'm sure I've come to the right place.
> My wife has planted herbs in her garden,  There are the usual ones,
> parsley (both curly and Italian), sage (more about that later),
> several varities of rosemary, and enough thyme to sink my
> grandfather's clock.  She has several others as well, and has been
> careful to keep the members of the profligate mint family from running
> amok as usually happens.
>
> The trouble is the sage.  I think it's wise to us.  Every time we
> prepare a recipe that calls for herbs, I go out to the garden to get
> some.  Thyme, no problem, it lies right there and I cut it.  Basil for
> pesto?  Yum!  Big fat basil leaves, little tiny ones, all ready for
> harvest.  But the sage is never ready.  It is too old, or too greasy
> from the tractor, or has some sort of wilt or blight.  The stuff is
> supposed to be a hardy evergreen, fer gosh sakes, but instead it seems
> to be hardly evergreen.  What are we doing wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sage is, indeed, wise to you.  Is it no wonder that we call our
} wise men "sages" in honour of this most clever plant?
}
} Sage has been trying to outwit man for years.  It has grown in the
} most inhospitable areas of the world to avoid cultivation.  Certain
} rare varieties have been known to be toxic if used excessively.
}
} The problem is that they are, like most intellectualls, poorly
} organized.  Other vegetables, such as celery and rutabagas, have
} launched incredible (and effective) PR campaigns to convince people of
} their bland taste and antisocial side-effects.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mixed salad, hold the veggies.


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