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Internet Oracularities #854

Goto:
854, 854-01, 854-02, 854-03, 854-04, 854-05, 854-06, 854-07, 854-08, 854-09, 854-10


Internet Oracularities #854    (98 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 27 Aug 1996 17:47:47 -0500 (EST)

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   854
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

854   98 votes opijc eovib bnxo7 gpqjc 4oGia hBpf4 06nDu mkuh9 fsxca 6gRi5
854   2.9 mean  2.7   2.9   2.9   2.9   3.1   2.5   3.9   2.7   2.7   3.0


854-01    (opijc dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh conscientious Oracle, who always has his pets spayed or neutered,
> why did the people inside my television feel it necessary to do a
> special "Best of the Price is Right" show?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because, alas, they are trying to raise money to have Bob Barker
} spayed.  So far, Dian Parkinson has contributed $.02.
}
} You owe the Oracle one spayed Right-to-Lifer, for her answer.


854-02    (eovib dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Possesor of Untold Riches of Wisdom,
>
> What's the square root of Rush Limbaugh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sonny Bono.


854-03    (bnxo7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose very being is hard for my mortal mind to fathom, could
> you please answer me this question?
>
>       Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman it is called
> sexual harasment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it is called
> $4.99/minute?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  Maybe I'll ask Lisa that one.
}
} ... On second thoughts, maybe I won't.
}
} Time's up.  You owe the Oracle $4.99.


854-04    (gpqjc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Orrie!  Watch me pull a woodchuck out of my hat!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE:  Again?
}
} (Bullwinkle reaches into his hat and pulls out William Shatner)
}
} SHATNER:  Get... a life!  It's... only... a... show!  Buy... MY... Star
} trek... novels, Fire... of Eden... and the... Return!  I'm... happy
} with... the end of... Generations... Theres... a thing... on... the
} wing...
}
} ORACLE:  My GOD, Bullwinkle!  Look what you've done!
}
} (Curtain closes on the Oracle running for his life as Shatner bursts
} into song...)
}
} SHATNER:  Looo... cy... in the... SKY... with... Diamonds... Oh...


854-05    (4oGia dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> \
>  > ..
> /
>
> ---------------
>
> ^C Prompt $p$g$g
>
> !H
> :wq

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, We're glad to see that you've expressed an interest in
} CrypticDOS version 5.068289! You will notice that none of your
} "standard DOS" commands will work. This is Standard Operating
} Procedure. Here are some examples:
}
} DOS command___CrDOS equilivant___
} REN           STIMPY
} CD            VINYL
} MD            DENTIST
} DEL           IBM
} ERASE         CHALKBOAR
} PROMPT        CUE
} DIR           DIRIGIBLE
} CALL          HANGUP
} REM           METALLICA
} COPY          CAT
} DATE          PALM
} TIME          PARSLEYSAGEROSEMARYAND
} VOL           AMPLITUDE
} BREAK         SHATTER
}
} Thank you! Remember, you can order CrypticDOS today for just $39.95,
} and we'll include your own personalized copy of FORMAT, using ANY
} command name YOU want!
} Have your friends join the fun! Order additional copies for just $29.95
} each and we'll include a copy of CrypticLink, perfect for talking or
} sending files to a friend!
} Remember, the number is 1-800-555-1212! Order now!


854-06    (hBpf4 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr Wise One, what happens to mineral water when it expires?
> I know that milk becomes sour, but what could possibly happen
> to water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When it expires, mineral water becomes Malta Wine, err, no, that's not
} it. Long ago, Leer writ "mana is what mineral water turns into",
} although Ana Merle writ otherwise.  As long as you keep it away from
} your waterline ram, she wrote "it's okay for mineral water to be warm
} eternal; I like it that way."  It may sound like an alien war term, or
} some sort of wet arm (linear), but don't be fooled by me reliant raw
} language.  In Canada, in the winter, Mar Ale is what you'll end up
} with.  I hope you aren't yet sick of my lame wire rant, 'cause I'm not
} done.  Some will say that refrigeration is the best way to prevent
} expiration, and you may think they're right, but they aren't: raw lime
} works much better.  I should know; one time, rear lawn had a tree we
} often used for such, even though a rare law met in some states
} disallows it.  I hope you learned from me raw rant; lie back and drink
} a mineral water to relax.
}
} You owe the Internet Oracle a Corn Tree Inlet, a non-career title, a
} lit neon terrace, certain net lore, and a lace net. Toni, err, Lisa,
} likes that sort of thing.


854-07    (06nDu dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the month July comes from the name Julius, from whence do the others
> derive their names (especially April)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They come from a variety of places:
}
} January, February, March: Named for three sisters of Roman mythology,
} Jan, Februaria, and Marsha. All of them had hair of gold, like their
} mother -- the youngest one (Februaria) in curls. During the reign of
} Marcus Aurelius, Februaria's name was changed to Cindia, to avoid the
} enormous civil wars that used to erupt between people who pronounced
} the first r and people who didn't.
}
} April: This name, oddly enough, was not used by the Romans, but comes
} from the work of Geoffrey Chaucer. Chaucer's masterwork, _The
} Canterbury Tales_, starts
}
}      Whan that Aprill with his shoures soote
}      The droghte of March hath perced to the roote
}      And bathed every veyne in swich licour . . .
}
} Scholars of the nineteenth century assumed that "Aprill" was Chaucer's
} name for the month following March, and adopted it as more elegant
} than the old Roman name, "Vernalideuteromartia". In fact, recent
} scholarship has discovered that the name actually refers to a well-
} known figure of Chaucer's day, Llewelyn ap Rill, a Welshman who used
} to celebrate the coming of spring by pouring a hogshead of wine over
} his head.
}
} May and June: Named after two Roman goddesses, Maia and Juno. Juno was
} married to Jupiter, so her month was considered felicitous for
} weddings. Maia posed naked for a painting by Goya; her month was
} considered an excellent one not to be married in.
}
} July and August: Named after Julius and Augustus Caesar, respectively.
} (The months of Tibery, Caligull, Claudy, and Nerr never quite caught
} on.)
}
} September, October, November, and December: So named because they were
} months number 7 (_septem_), 8 (_octo_), 9 (_novem_), and 10 (_decem_),
} respectively, in the old Roman calendar. This often causes confusion,
} since they are the 9th through 12th months of our calendar; however,
} the Romans used to number the months as follows:
}
}      January -- 1
}      February -- 2
}      March -- 5
}      April -- 6
}      May -- 4
}      June -- 3 1/2
}      July -- 5 (again)
}      August -- pi
}      September -- 7
}      October -- 8
}      November -- 9
}      December -- 10
}
} This was changed to our modern system by Marcus Aurelius, who declared
} the old system to be _stultissimus verbis_ ("too stupid for words").
}
} You owe the Oracle a _Xena: Warrior Princess_ calendar (for research
} purposes).


854-08    (mkuh9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is it that the world can be full of such boundless good while
> children are blown up on flights to Paris?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Such a cynical question for one so young,
}
} The truth of the matter is that when large numbers of children(often
} excited by a trip to Eurodisney) are enclosed in the confines of an
} aircraft
} they achive critical mass and thereby explode showering happiness over
} a large area


854-09    (fsxca dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, no!  You went to the wrong place.  I told you to get your
} questions from /nev/dull, not /dev/null!
}
} At least your grovelling wasn't as bad as last time.


854-10    (6gRi5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help, please, O swift Oracle.  Like other supplicants I'm so messed up
> I find it hard to bend over far enough to grovel.  Anyway, i tried to
> use a bubble sort, but the bubbles got caught in the algorithm and
> slowed it down to a crawl.  So I tried a shell sort, and the shells
> messed up the logarithm.  Please give me a method for sorting that
> will work.  I mustn't spend a lot of effort because I'm behind already
> and my assignment is late.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's check My Handy-Dandy Guide to which sort fits your situation:
}
} Bubble Sort:  This is slow, inefficient, and primarly useful only when
}               ordering thise little bars of soap you get in hotels, on
}               airplanes, and as free samples in the mail
} Shell Sort:   Very good when going to a raw bar.  The Oracle finds that
}               this lets you efficiently work through the various
}               oysters, clams and mussels
} Heap Sort:    The Oracle's personal favorite.  Used while dealing with
}               both clean and dirty laundry
} Quick Sort:   Very helpful deciding what flavor milk you want to drink
}               with your cookies before bedtime.
} Vorpal Sort:  When ordering Lewis Carroll poems, primarily.  Not widely
}               known or understood.
}
} You owe the Oracle a quick heap of bubbling shells


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