[IO]
Internet Oracle
26 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 21:43:59 GMT

Internet Oracularities #856

Goto:
856, 856-01, 856-02, 856-03, 856-04, 856-05, 856-06, 856-07, 856-08, 856-09, 856-10


Internet Oracularities #856    (88 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 6 Sep 1996 10:08:31 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   856
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

856   88 votes 6crvc 9jmki cpqdc 3mAm5 7mDf5 ahyi9 9tpdc 27rvl 7ftpc 8gtkf
856   3.1 mean  3.4   3.2   2.9   3.0   2.9   3.0   2.9   3.7   3.2   3.2


856-01    (6crvc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, wise, majestic, noble, exalted, magnificent,
> superb, transcendent, prodigious, Oracle -
> please answer this humble supplicant's question.
>
> What does the 12 step program for Oraculists look like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cute as a button! Why, I haven't shown anyone my baby pictures in
} years. I remember when young Kinzler first took a break from playing
} Pong on his shiny new Commodore Vic-20 to program 'Oracle 1.0' Lemme
} see ... I used to keep a copy in my wallet ... here we go.
}
} 10 PRINT "Grovel, you worm!"
} 20 INPUT A$
} 30 PRINT "Would you like to ask the Oracle a question"
} 40 LOCATE 3, 25 INPUT A$
} 50 IF A$ = "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
}    chuck wood" GOTO 100
} 60 IF A$ = "d00d wh@rez the h0t ch!ckz-n-stuff??!?" GOTO 100
} 70 IF A$ = "Wanna $Make*Money*Fast$?" GOTO 100
} 80 IF A$ = "Why does the computer say 'Press Any Key to continue' so
} often
}    when it doesn't have an 'Any' key?" GOTO 100
} 90 IF A$ = "Hal, open pod bay doors!" GOTO 110
} 100 COLOR 140 SOUND 240, 25 LOCATE 12, 35 PRINT "*ZOT*!"
} 110 LOCATE 12,35 PRINT "I'm sorry, Dave --- I'm afraid I can't do
} that." 120 END
}
} You owe the Oracle a free gift certificate to get the 5 1/4 disk he was
} first saved on bronzed.


856-02    (9jmki dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Powerful and Mighty Oracle, who is so smart that sometimes you have
> trouble expressing yourself in simple terms for us meer mortals, please
> respond to my humble request.
>
> Recently, you sent me an answer to one of my questions. However this
> answer was quite different than any of the other answers I have
> received or read in the Digests. Your answer was:
>
> } ~
>
> I have been staring at this answer for three days now, and have not
> achieved enlightenment from it. I have concluded that I must be too
> dense to figure out any meaning in this answer. So now I humbly beg you
> to please elaborate in simpler terms as I am not nearly as brilliant as
> your magnificence.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .


856-03    (cpqdc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@shell.portal.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is being a Priest of the Internet Oracle a blessing, or a curse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Omniaccurate Oracle believes in going directly to the source.
}
} HEY! HEY, PUTZ--er, PRIESTS! QUIT PLAYING MINESWEEPER AND GET IN HERE!
}
} Now I need to call my cousin. Yah? Tell those warbling little angels to
} keep it down for a few, eh? I'm going to put you on the speaker phone.
}
} All right, folks, here's the deal: the supplicant wants to know whether
} being a priest is a blessing or a curse. Yah's gonna run down the
} varieties of each for us, and you just chime in with your experiences.
} Got it? Good.
}
} "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
}
} OK, hold on a sec, let me write this down. Fungaroli's bummed because
} her bosses won't let her yodel on her radio show. Kinzler is whiny
} because you can't get anything stronger than 3.2 in Bloomington.
} Darkmage is pouting because people make fun of his nickname. Is that
} it? OK, go on, Yah.
}
} "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
}
} No, Sewell, mourning for your hairline doesn't count.
}
} "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."
}
} Next.
}
} "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they
} shall be satisfied."
}
} Next.
}
} No, I am NOT "blowing through them," Panzer. Or should I remind you of
} the pictures you downloaded yesterday, and a few hours of Photoshop
} work that added in two nuns, a gazelle, and a hot tub full of tapioca?
}
} "Blessed are you when men revile you and persecute you and utter all
} kinds of evil against you falsely on my account."
}
} Well, there may be something to that. My queue of "Where do your @#%&*
} priests get their &@#$!* senses of humor?" is still running in the
} triple digits each day.
}
} That wraps up blessings, Yah? OK, how about curses?
}
} Well, there's the monthly one. Only Fungaroli and Wilson have that one
} to worry about. Jeez, this priesthood is kind of a male-heavy club,
} isn't it?
}
} "Cursed be he who misleads a blind man on the road." Quit snickering
} and pointing. If you have something to say, say it.
}
} "Cursed be he who lies with any kind of beast." OK, stop making fun of
} Forbes' date at the last Priests' smoker. She wasn't baa-ing, she had
} asthma.
}
} This is getting nowhere fast. Let me cut right to the point:
}
} You all get to read a bunch of peoples' attempts at being funny?
}
} *nods*
}
} And you glean only ten for every couple of days, and still people only
} give about a third of them more than a lukewarm chuckle?
}
} <Yeah> <Mmm-hmm> <Yup> <Yes>
}
} And they gripe, moan, whine, steam, and grouse, cast aspersions on your
} sense of humor, and then redouble their efforts to show you how it's
} done? Hey! not all at once. I get the picture. Someone wipe the foam
} off of Engelhardt's lips, eh? I think he fainted.
}
} Clearly, being an Internet Oracle Priest isn't a blessing or a curse --
} it's eternal punishment. The only question is, what did you folks do to
} deserve this? Hmmmmm ...
}
} I think I know ...
}
} Show of hands, and no nonsense. How many of you were guilty of spamming
} your friends with every funny or semi-funny note that anyone sent to
} you? You were the ones, the jokelist geysers, the spewers of top-ten
} lists and "Green Eggs and Ham" parodies, weren't you? WEREN'T you?
}
} That's what I thought.
}
} You owe the Oracle, incarnated as D. Srader, a promise to clean up your
} act. Otherwise, we may have an opening here soon.


856-04    (3mAm5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who's shoe's never need polishing, who's shirts are
> never wrinkled, and who's pants never need pressed, please answer this
> humble supplicant's request even though I be naught but as lint in thy
> pocket.
>
> I got a new wash and wear suit. If I'm in a hurry can I just wear it
> into the shower and clean up and go to my meetings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No you cannot wear the suit directly into the shower. The problem lies
} in the structure of the weave they use to make these clothes and in
} the flow of water. Consider the following facts:
}
} 1. A regular shower consists of about 2 gallon of water per minute
} 2. A wash and wear suit is sewed by acrylic materials that lets through
}    about 0.1 gallons of water per minute.
} 3. The fitnes of such a suit is not 100% so there are a 15%
}    let-through of water around the neck and such.  This means that the
}    suit is filled at a rate of 0.3 gallons a minute.
} 4. A suite that is of normal fitness has a maximum of 0.5-1 gallons of
}    empty space when weared.
}
} Conclusion: Your suit *will* explode in less than two minutes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of aluminum swimming-trunks.


856-05    (7mDf5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the addresses of a few Newsgroup Servers that I can post on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Harumph.
}
} What is this garbage? Yet /another/ Internet lackey who can't even
} grovel!?
}
} Why I ought to...
}
} *has second thoughts about using Ye Ole Mighty Zot Maker (tm) to
} smite the undeserving supplicant back into the volcanic ash from whence
} (s)he came*
}
} So you wanna Newsgroup Server to post to, do ya?
}
} Information like this does not come cheaply, my little supplicant. You
} must prove yourself worthy and capable of dealing with such potentially
} powerful addresses. But since you (obviously) know how to send email,
} you may be ready.
}
} But, to make it easy for you, here's a checklist to see if you qualify:
}
} 1] Have you ever responded to or sent an email whose subject is "Make
}    money FAST !!!1!!"
} 2] Do you find yourself sending emails to people with subjects like
}    "Ignore -- test."
} 3] Are you afraid of catching the "Goodtimes Virus"?
} 4] Do you often send emails whose entire body consists entirely of "Me
}    too!"?
} 5] Does the concept of "Blue-Green Algae" sound interesting?
} 6] Have you ever asked The Internet Oracle a question, and forgotten
}    to grovel?
}
} If you answered YES to _any_ of the above questions, you are not
} worthy. Stick to reading the funnies on Sunday (you'll be less
} confused). Perhaps in a future life you will attain the wisdom needed.
}
} If you answered NO to _all_ the questions above, you are worthy of
} having a list of addresses to Newsgroup Servers. Of course, if you
} answered NO to all the questions above, you should be able to find the
} addresses for yourself.
}
} In either case, you owe the Oracle a battery powered reversible swizzle
} stick.  In red.


856-06    (ahyi9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Write an essay on Pope, in the style of Pope.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Anno Domini, Amen


856-07    (9tpdc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tritelly Orrie; do you like the wood to be chucked or plain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The patient's eyes opened.  He made no attempt to escape from the
} straitjacket, as he had before.  His mouth worked, but the lips
} remained closed.  He did not make a sound.
}
} "Oh good!" the nurse said, "I see you're doing a lot better now.
} Now it's dinnertime.  Open wide.  She dipped the spoon in the broth,
} and leaned forward, toward the patient.
}
} As the spoon neared his face, the patient's face took on a different
} look, one of unmitigated anger.  His eyes stared wildly at the
} spoon, and his mouth worked furiously, lips pressed firmly together.
} Just as the spoon was about to touch his lips, he spat violently in
} the nurse's face.  Shocked, the nurse jerked backward, spilling the
} hot broth on the patient's crotch, and eliciting a bellow of pain
} and rage.  The nurse dashed out, wiping her face on her sleeve and
} calling for assistance and a bucket of cold water.
}
} Later, in the head psychiatrist's office, the nurse was giving her
} report to the doctor.  "He still seems to be suffering from these
} delusions about being an oracle or whatever it is."
}
} "Any improvement in the language recognition areas?" asked the doctor,
} scribbling notes in the patient's chart.
}
} "No, and there must still be some degree of hallucination. too.
} He doesn't appear to recognize food, either by sight or by smell.
} After the incident with the broth, he was shouting 'I'm sick of all
} these woodchucks!'"
}
} "Right.  We'll try increasing the dosage of Haldol.  Keep the
} restraints on him for the time being.  And tell the nurses on the
} next shift to report anything unusual immediately."
}
} You owe the Orac^H^H^H^Hpatient a discharge.


856-08    (27rvl dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: <perkunas@juno.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Black is the absence of all color.... is White the sum of all color?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.
}
} However, Black is not "the absence of all color" as you so ignorantly
} assume.  You have obviously confused the proper noun "Black"
} (capitalized) with the simple adjective "black" (all lower case).  The
} former appears in names such as the "Black Sea", which has nothing to do
} with an absence of light.
}
}     To prevent you, the supplicant, from making similar mistakes, I have
} prepared a list of other confusing pairs of words.  Study this list, and
} you'll never make the capitalization mistake again!
}
} ray -- a beam of illumination
} Ray -- your beer-bellied neighbor who forgot to return your lawn mower
}
} apple -- a delicious piece of fruit
} Apple -- a flavorless heap of plastic and silicon
}
} macintosh -- a variety of apple
} Macintosh -- a variety of Apple
}
} oracle -- a fountain of wisdom
} Oracle -- Yours Truly
}     (Actually, these two aren't that different.)
}
} windows -- things that break when you throw baseballs at them
} Windows -- things that break when you click on them
}
} gore -- blood and guts
} Gore -- a politician
}
} Ms. -- an unmarried female
} MS  -- a tyrannical empire
}
} gates -- things that prevent you from going where you want to go today
} Gates -- someone responsible for software that prevents you from going
} where you want to go today
}
} You owe The Oracle a date with Vanna White.
}
} <ouch>  Lisa, cut that out!


856-09    (7ftpc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Still a buck private, eh?  Well, don't feel too bad about
} it.  After all, privates are the ones who really make up
} the army, aren't they?  Be proud of what you are!  And
} remember, if you keep up the good work, you'll soon make
} it to PFC, and then you'll be able to send messages like
}
} (> .
}
} Who knows, if you decide to make a career of it (and you
} could do worse), you could even get as far as
}
} >>
}
} or
}
} (>>> .
}
} You owe the Oracle a shoeshine and a snappy salute.


856-10    (8gtkf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, who even understands what is left after
> Nothing is taken away,
>
> I have too much free space on my disk,
> so it looks like I haven't been doing enough work.
>
> Can I get some kind of program to compress the free space,
> so it won't take up so much space?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The internet Oracle suggests you switch to Windows 95,
}
} your disk will be full before you know it, and you'll be asking for an
} extra gigabyte before you can say "Why don't I just use linux?"
}
} T.I.O.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org