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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this the death of the Oracle? > > # ps >   PID TT STAT  TIME COMMAND >  7275 q2 I     0:00 -sh (csh) >  7281 q4 I     0:00 -sh (csh) >    12 ?  S    23:59 oracle > 19122 qc R     0:00 ps > # kill 12 > Terminated > # ps >   PID TT STAT  TIME COMMAND >  7275 q2 I     0:00 -sh (csh) >  7281 q4 I     0:00 -sh (csh) > 19136 qc R     0:00 ps

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oracle>sqldba lmode=y } } SQL*DBA: Release 2.03.42.05.01 - Production on Sat Sep 7 21:27:03 1996 } } Copyright (C) Oracle corporation 1979, 1992.  All rights reserved. } } ORACLE2 Server Release 2.03.42.05.01 - Production } With the procedural and distributed options. } PL/SQL Release 2.03.42.04.01 - Production } } SQLDBA>connect internal } connected. } SQLDBA>select * from dual; } D } _ } X } 1 row selected. } SQLDBA>exit } SQL*DBA complete. } > } ==================================== } Nah, Oracle's up, must be the supplicant's problem } } oracle>su - root } ~#> ps -ax | grep supplicant } 5038  p0  S 0:00 grep supplicant } } ~#>exit } =================================== } Can't even kill -9 him, he's already gone! } Still, can't take chances with people trying to kill } the Oracle.  Let's make sure he doesn't do it again. } } ~#>find . -user supplicant -exec {rm -rf $1}; } find: Invalid argument to -exec: {rm -f $1} } ~#> } =================================== } Never could work that syntax out, but take no chances! } } ~#>cd / } /#>rm -rf * } } Segmentation Fault. } } NO CARRIER } ==================================== } } Oh well, looks like we resort to the old } ZOT -9 supplicant } } You owe the Oracle a secure Unix environment.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you were to stick buttered toast on the back of a cat and then drop > it from a height, what would happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It would fall. } } You owe the Oracle your firstborn child, postage paid.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HI, > > WHAT IS THE MILITARY STRENGTH OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The ability to CAPITALIZE AT WILL, ANYWHERE on the GLOBE, without } RISKING AMERICAN LIVES.  The Internet BEGAN as a DARPA research project } to DEVELOP this VITAL CAPABILITY, and has SUCCEEDED beyond the WILDEST } DREAMS of ITS designERS. } } You owe the Oracle a cruise missile that selectively targets the Caps } Lock key on keyboards from hundreds of miles away.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                 The Null Question Song } }       Woodchucks roasting on an open fire, }       Questions real, and questions null, }       Kinzler dons his High Priestly attire, }       And folks sign up with AOL. } }       Ev'rybody knows }       That Kinzler and his Priests below }       Help to keep the answers bright. }       Late night lusers with their modems aglow }       Will find it hard to sleep tonight. } }       They know an answer's on its way; }       It's full of wit and wisdom and a debt to pay. }       And ev'ry K00L D00D is gonna try }       To see if Orrie can recite the whole of pi. } }       And so I'm offering this simple song }       To tell you what it's gonna be: }       Although it's been said, }       (and you've still got it wrong), }       "Send _r_e_a_l_ questions to me." } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as g. t. <na53711@anon.penet.fi>) a real } question next time.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, Oracle, whose programming skills are so great that you write Java > programs using C++, please help this poor supplicant. > > I'm trying to use an on-line book to learn C. I cut and paste each line > of the first program, but it won't compile. What should I do?  I've > included the program below. > > } >    printf("Hello, world!"); > { > void main (void) > > #include <stdio.h> > #include <stdlib.h>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay Bill...I'll help you this one last time, but remember, you need to } write these instructions down, and not with pencil!!! } } the #includes come first....then the function declarations, then the } function... } } Try this: } } #include stdio.h } void main() } { } /* Copyright (c), 1996, Microsoft Inc.  This program and all similar } programs that even use the function main() or the #include structure } or maybe even include {} are property of Microsoft and its affiliates, } the Roman Catholic Church, the United States Department of Justice, } Japan, Inc., Europe, and Intel Corporation. */ } printf("Hello World!\n"); } } } } Try that... } } You owe the Oracle an PC without any Microsoft products preinstalled } (or even included with it)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Where and how can I play Bridge in Internet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eh? Whassat? You want to play on the bridge of the USS Internet? } Well, they don't usually allow kids up their, not since they found that } crusty green stuff under Ensign Crusher's console, but I'll see what I } can do. } ..... } <Slow fade out. Fade in to bridge of USS Internet> } } Captain James "K" Parry: Ensign... set a... course for... } 255.129.36.55... Warp 28.8. } } 1st Officer McElwaine: Isn't that PERILOUSLY close to the MICRO$OFT } Zone? VIOLATORS of all that is GOOD and WORTHY on the Internet? } } Dr Grubor: Dammit, yuh pointy-eared Vulcan, this is a free ship! The } people have spoken! Everybody agrees with me! } } <A point of white light appears, expands, then vanishes to reveal the } Oracle> } } Captain: Q! But you aren't in this series! } } Oracle: I'm afraid not. I am the Internet Oracle. I have a request to } join you, here on the bridge, from one of my supplicants. } } Captain: Oh... My God! Not... another one! We... must journey... } bravely on... to our... destination! } } McElwaine: I FEEL it would be more APPROPRIATE to go THI$ way. } } Grubor: The Usenet Freedom Knights say THIS way! } } Serdar Argic: Did someone mention Armenia? } } Security Chief Dick Depew: Spam of the port bow! ARMM! ARMM! } } <The bridge crew continue to argue, becoming more and more vocal. } Eventually, a fist fight breaks out. The Oracle sighs, shrugs, and } disappears> } ..... } } I'm afraid they're... uh... real busy right now. But rest assured, } we're in good hands. Yeah, right. } } Now scram, kid, you bother me.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> segmentation fault

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Damn Supplicants95.  Let's try again." } <The Oracle hits the Reset button> } }   Welcome to Supplicants95 V.9998B } }   Loading grovel library. }   ERROR: Unable to locate grovel library. }   Loading spelling dictionary. }   ERROR: Unable to locate spelling dictionary. }   Loading grammar checker. }   ERROR: Unable to locate grammar checker. }   Loading common sense module. }   ERROR: Unable to locate common sense module. } }   -= Supplicants95 Command Line Interface =- }   % askme } }   Preparing a question... }   Would you like: }     0. Null question. }     1. Woodchuck question. }     2. Spam. }     3. Intelligent question with good grovel. } }   Your choice: 3 } }   ERROR: Unable to find necessary intelligence. }          Continue anyway? (y/n): yes } }   <segmentation fault> } } "Argh!  Take that, you stupid machine!" <ZOT!> } } You owe the Oracle the GNU version of Supplicants95.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who never seems to be working in a Dilbert > cartoon, unlike this poor supplicant, please bolster my hopes a > bit, if you can. > > Since I came to this company, every single project I've worked > on has been cancelled before it went into production.  Why is > this, and what can I do about it?  It's really depressing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} don't worry Mr. Clinton. } you may have 4 more years in which to initate your projects again. } } you owe the oracle some of your Hillary-proof teflon.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > Recently I installed windows in my computer. > > At first, the CPU was happy with its light and airy new > environment. > > I was happy too, to be able to look in and see the disk spinning > around, the bits queuing up to catch the bus, and all the other > action inside. > > Now the CPU is complaining that it wants more privacy. > > Should I put in drapes or venetian blinds? > > Oh, and by the way, the CPU left the windows open and a lot of bugs > got in. I guess I need screens, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant, } } first of all, to get the bugs out of your computer one possibility is } to close the windows. Put an old apple on your desk, for bugs detest } the odour of Californian apples. Or either, if you wish to make your } CPU happy, seed some Linux kernels. } } Then the growing directory tree will not only get you rid of the bugs, } but you will also be able to make use of software growing in the } wilderness of the Internet that can be freely used without any owner } throwing you out of his lotus or corel garden. You will find such } software e.g. in the free software forest. } } Now, under UNIX, also the CPU privacy is maintained much better than } under open windows. Whenever some data try to enter some place they } shouldn't, you get a segmentation violation, and when they catch the } wrong bus, you are also notified by a 'bus error'. And, Unixland is } located near the C, so you have an healthy and airy environment, as } your CPU likes it. Your garbage can be thrown on a temporary core dump } and memory will be recycled. Finally, if you don't like mice, you can } always use a 'cat' for editing. } } You owe me a *****apartment in your CD-ROM.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet, the final frontier. } These are the delusions of the Internet Oracle. } His continuing mission: } To seek out new supplicants, } To boldly ponder what no one has dared ponder before! } }                               Oracle Trek } } Oracle: Oracle's log, Supplemental: We have just given enlightenment to }       another group of primitive net users.  We are now on route to }       www.reisa.com for some much needed rest and relaxation. } } Lisa: Oracle! We have a question coming in on the emergency channel! } } O:    What is it? } } L:    I don't know, the transmission appears to be jammed! } } O:    Jammed, eh?  Can you determine the source? } } L:    The transmission appears to come from somewhere in the Netcom }       domain. } } O:    Zadoc! Plot a course for Netcom, warp factor 9! } } Zadoc: Yes, your majesty.  It will be a pleasure for me, your }       humble servant, to serve you in such a useful way.  I am }       eternally grateful for being given the chance . . . } } O:    Just do it already! } } < The ship disappears in a brilliant array of special effects > } } L:    I have located the source of the transmission.  The source }       appears to be a satellite in orbit around the planet.  It appears }       to be repeatedly transmitting the null question. } } O:    I don't like this at all. } } < The satellite explodes in an gratuitous display of special effects > } } O:    Shields! Shields!!! SHIELDS!!!!!!! } } Z:    Your humble servant begs your forgiveness, most omniscient sir, }       but the shields are not responding. } } O:    Engineering! I need those shields! } } < The Oracle's order is left unanswered as a Woodchuck of Prey decloaks } in a clever use of stock footage.  The captain of the enemy ship } appears on the view screen > } } Xoracle: Greetings, my brother. } } O:    Xoracle!  What is the meaning of this? } } X:    Now now, my dear brother, do you really think you could keep up }       this question answering business, and not share any of the }       profits with your poor brother, now did you?  I want half of all }       the payments you have been receiving for the last seven years! } } O:    O.k. heres a check for $1.95. } } X:    It was a pleasure doing business with you. } } < The Woodchuck of Prey warps away in a amazing presentation of special } effects. > } } L:    What a jerk. } } O:    Yeah, Evil twin brothers tend to be like that. } ---------- } } You owe the Oracle $1.95 in reimbursement.