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Internet Oracularities #857

Goto:
857, 857-01, 857-02, 857-03, 857-04, 857-05, 857-06, 857-07, 857-08, 857-09, 857-10


Internet Oracularities #857    (107 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 1996 15:56:57 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   857
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

857  107 votes plun8 bhtvj 4izCc adsAk auyq7 epCl9 cfrzi 9pwpg 9otB8 8jtpq
857   3.1 mean  2.7   3.3   3.3   3.4   2.9   2.9   3.3   3.1   3.1   3.4


857-01    (plun8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this the death of the Oracle?
>
> # ps
>   PID TT STAT  TIME COMMAND
>  7275 q2 I     0:00 -sh (csh)
>  7281 q4 I     0:00 -sh (csh)
>    12 ?  S    23:59 oracle
> 19122 qc R     0:00 ps
> # kill 12
> Terminated
> # ps
>   PID TT STAT  TIME COMMAND
>  7275 q2 I     0:00 -sh (csh)
>  7281 q4 I     0:00 -sh (csh)
> 19136 qc R     0:00 ps

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oracle>sqldba lmode=y
}
} SQL*DBA: Release 2.03.42.05.01 - Production on Sat Sep 7 21:27:03 1996
}
} Copyright (C) Oracle corporation 1979, 1992.  All rights reserved.
}
} ORACLE2 Server Release 2.03.42.05.01 - Production
} With the procedural and distributed options.
} PL/SQL Release 2.03.42.04.01 - Production
}
} SQLDBA>connect internal
} connected.
} SQLDBA>select * from dual;
} D
} _
} X
} 1 row selected.
} SQLDBA>exit
} SQL*DBA complete.
} >
} ====================================
} Nah, Oracle's up, must be the supplicant's problem
}
} oracle>su - root
} ~#> ps -ax | grep supplicant
} 5038  p0  S 0:00 grep supplicant
}
} ~#>exit
} ===================================
} Can't even kill -9 him, he's already gone!
} Still, can't take chances with people trying to kill
} the Oracle.  Let's make sure he doesn't do it again.
}
} ~#>find . -user supplicant -exec {rm -rf $1};
} find: Invalid argument to -exec: {rm -f $1}
} ~#>
} ===================================
} Never could work that syntax out, but take no chances!
}
} ~#>cd /
} /#>rm -rf *
}
} Segmentation Fault.
}
} NO CARRIER
} ====================================
}
} Oh well, looks like we resort to the old
} ZOT -9 supplicant
}
} You owe the Oracle a secure Unix environment.


857-02    (bhtvj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@mail.ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you were to stick buttered toast on the back of a cat and then drop
> it from a height, what would happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It would fall.
}
} You owe the Oracle your firstborn child, postage paid.


857-03    (4izCc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HI,
>
> WHAT IS THE MILITARY STRENGTH OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The ability to CAPITALIZE AT WILL, ANYWHERE on the GLOBE, without
} RISKING AMERICAN LIVES.  The Internet BEGAN as a DARPA research project
} to DEVELOP this VITAL CAPABILITY, and has SUCCEEDED beyond the WILDEST
} DREAMS of ITS designERS.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cruise missile that selectively targets the Caps
} Lock key on keyboards from hundreds of miles away.


857-04    (adsAk dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                 The Null Question Song
}
}       Woodchucks roasting on an open fire,
}       Questions real, and questions null,
}       Kinzler dons his High Priestly attire,
}       And folks sign up with AOL.
}
}       Ev'rybody knows
}       That Kinzler and his Priests below
}       Help to keep the answers bright.
}       Late night lusers with their modems aglow
}       Will find it hard to sleep tonight.
}
}       They know an answer's on its way;
}       It's full of wit and wisdom and a debt to pay.
}       And ev'ry K00L D00D is gonna try
}       To see if Orrie can recite the whole of pi.
}
}       And so I'm offering this simple song
}       To tell you what it's gonna be:
}       Although it's been said,
}       (and you've still got it wrong),
}       "Send _r_e_a_l_ questions to me."
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as g. t. <na53711@anon.penet.fi>) a real
} question next time.


857-05    (auyq7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, Oracle, whose programming skills are so great that you write Java
> programs using C++, please help this poor supplicant.
>
> I'm trying to use an on-line book to learn C. I cut and paste each line
> of the first program, but it won't compile. What should I do?  I've
> included the program below.
>
> }
>    printf("Hello, world!");
> {
> void main (void)
>
> #include <stdio.h>
> #include <stdlib.h>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay Bill...I'll help you this one last time, but remember, you need to
} write these instructions down, and not with pencil!!!
}
} the #includes come first....then the function declarations, then the
} function...
}
} Try this:
}
} #include stdio.h
} void main()
} {
} /* Copyright (c), 1996, Microsoft Inc.  This program and all similar
} programs that even use the function main() or the #include structure
} or maybe even include {} are property of Microsoft and its affiliates,
} the Roman Catholic Church, the United States Department of Justice,
} Japan, Inc., Europe, and Intel Corporation. */
} printf("Hello World!\n");
} }
}
} Try that...
}
} You owe the Oracle an PC without any Microsoft products preinstalled
} (or even included with it)


857-06    (epCl9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Where and how can I play Bridge in Internet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eh? Whassat? You want to play on the bridge of the USS Internet?
} Well, they don't usually allow kids up their, not since they found that
} crusty green stuff under Ensign Crusher's console, but I'll see what I
} can do.
} .....
} <Slow fade out. Fade in to bridge of USS Internet>
}
} Captain James "K" Parry: Ensign... set a... course for...
} 255.129.36.55... Warp 28.8.
}
} 1st Officer McElwaine: Isn't that PERILOUSLY close to the MICRO$OFT
} Zone? VIOLATORS of all that is GOOD and WORTHY on the Internet?
}
} Dr Grubor: Dammit, yuh pointy-eared Vulcan, this is a free ship! The
} people have spoken! Everybody agrees with me!
}
} <A point of white light appears, expands, then vanishes to reveal the
} Oracle>
}
} Captain: Q! But you aren't in this series!
}
} Oracle: I'm afraid not. I am the Internet Oracle. I have a request to
} join you, here on the bridge, from one of my supplicants.
}
} Captain: Oh... My God! Not... another one! We... must journey...
} bravely on... to our... destination!
}
} McElwaine: I FEEL it would be more APPROPRIATE to go THI$ way.
}
} Grubor: The Usenet Freedom Knights say THIS way!
}
} Serdar Argic: Did someone mention Armenia?
}
} Security Chief Dick Depew: Spam of the port bow! ARMM! ARMM!
}
} <The bridge crew continue to argue, becoming more and more vocal.
} Eventually, a fist fight breaks out. The Oracle sighs, shrugs, and
} disappears>
} .....
}
} I'm afraid they're... uh... real busy right now. But rest assured,
} we're in good hands. Yeah, right.
}
} Now scram, kid, you bother me.


857-07    (cfrzi dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: <perkunas@juno.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> segmentation fault

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Damn Supplicants95.  Let's try again."
} <The Oracle hits the Reset button>
}
}   Welcome to Supplicants95 V.9998B
}
}   Loading grovel library.
}   ERROR: Unable to locate grovel library.
}   Loading spelling dictionary.
}   ERROR: Unable to locate spelling dictionary.
}   Loading grammar checker.
}   ERROR: Unable to locate grammar checker.
}   Loading common sense module.
}   ERROR: Unable to locate common sense module.
}
}   -= Supplicants95 Command Line Interface =-
}   % askme
}
}   Preparing a question...
}   Would you like:
}     0. Null question.
}     1. Woodchuck question.
}     2. Spam.
}     3. Intelligent question with good grovel.
}
}   Your choice: 3
}
}   ERROR: Unable to find necessary intelligence.
}          Continue anyway? (y/n): yes
}
}   <segmentation fault>
}
} "Argh!  Take that, you stupid machine!" <ZOT!>
}
} You owe the Oracle the GNU version of Supplicants95.


857-08    (9pwpg dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who never seems to be working in a Dilbert
> cartoon, unlike this poor supplicant, please bolster my hopes a
> bit, if you can.
>
> Since I came to this company, every single project I've worked
> on has been cancelled before it went into production.  Why is
> this, and what can I do about it?  It's really depressing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} don't worry Mr. Clinton.
} you may have 4 more years in which to initate your projects again.
}
} you owe the oracle some of your Hillary-proof teflon.


857-09    (9otB8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Recently I installed windows in my computer.
>
> At first, the CPU was happy with its light and airy new
> environment.
>
> I was happy too, to be able to look in and see the disk spinning
> around, the bits queuing up to catch the bus, and all the other
> action inside.
>
> Now the CPU is complaining that it wants more privacy.
>
> Should I put in drapes or venetian blinds?
>
> Oh, and by the way, the CPU left the windows open and a lot of bugs
> got in. I guess I need screens, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant,
}
} first of all, to get the bugs out of your computer one possibility is
} to close the windows. Put an old apple on your desk, for bugs detest
} the odour of Californian apples. Or either, if you wish to make your
} CPU happy, seed some Linux kernels.
}
} Then the growing directory tree will not only get you rid of the bugs,
} but you will also be able to make use of software growing in the
} wilderness of the Internet that can be freely used without any owner
} throwing you out of his lotus or corel garden. You will find such
} software e.g. in the free software forest.
}
} Now, under UNIX, also the CPU privacy is maintained much better than
} under open windows. Whenever some data try to enter some place they
} shouldn't, you get a segmentation violation, and when they catch the
} wrong bus, you are also notified by a 'bus error'. And, Unixland is
} located near the C, so you have an healthy and airy environment, as
} your CPU likes it. Your garbage can be thrown on a temporary core dump
} and memory will be recycled. Finally, if you don't like mice, you can
} always use a 'cat' for editing.
}
} You owe me a *****apartment in your CD-ROM.


857-10    (8jtpq dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet, the final frontier.
} These are the delusions of the Internet Oracle.
} His continuing mission:
} To seek out new supplicants,
} To boldly ponder what no one has dared ponder before!
}
}                               Oracle Trek
}
} Oracle: Oracle's log, Supplemental: We have just given enlightenment to
}       another group of primitive net users.  We are now on route to
}       www.reisa.com for some much needed rest and relaxation.
}
} Lisa: Oracle! We have a question coming in on the emergency channel!
}
} O:    What is it?
}
} L:    I don't know, the transmission appears to be jammed!
}
} O:    Jammed, eh?  Can you determine the source?
}
} L:    The transmission appears to come from somewhere in the Netcom
}       domain.
}
} O:    Zadoc! Plot a course for Netcom, warp factor 9!
}
} Zadoc: Yes, your majesty.  It will be a pleasure for me, your
}       humble servant, to serve you in such a useful way.  I am
}       eternally grateful for being given the chance . . .
}
} O:    Just do it already!
}
} < The ship disappears in a brilliant array of special effects >
}
} L:    I have located the source of the transmission.  The source
}       appears to be a satellite in orbit around the planet.  It appears
}       to be repeatedly transmitting the null question.
}
} O:    I don't like this at all.
}
} < The satellite explodes in an gratuitous display of special effects >
}
} O:    Shields! Shields!!! SHIELDS!!!!!!!
}
} Z:    Your humble servant begs your forgiveness, most omniscient sir,
}       but the shields are not responding.
}
} O:    Engineering! I need those shields!
}
} < The Oracle's order is left unanswered as a Woodchuck of Prey decloaks
} in a clever use of stock footage.  The captain of the enemy ship
} appears on the view screen >
}
} Xoracle: Greetings, my brother.
}
} O:    Xoracle!  What is the meaning of this?
}
} X:    Now now, my dear brother, do you really think you could keep up
}       this question answering business, and not share any of the
}       profits with your poor brother, now did you?  I want half of all
}       the payments you have been receiving for the last seven years!
}
} O:    O.k. heres a check for $1.95.
}
} X:    It was a pleasure doing business with you.
}
} < The Woodchuck of Prey warps away in a amazing presentation of special
} effects. >
}
} L:    What a jerk.
}
} O:    Yeah, Evil twin brothers tend to be like that.
} ----------
}
} You owe the Oracle $1.95 in reimbursement.


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